Just Engaged and Proposals

Help!!

My sister and I are both engaged, and while you think she would be happy for me...she's not really acting like it.

My older sister, who was engaged April 1st 2012, had originally wanted only a 6 month engagement and to be married in October of 2013. We went dress shopping, started looking for venues every weekend. Then, her and her FI decided to look into buying a house, and to put the wedding off. She ended up pushing the wedding back a whole year! We haven't even talked anything wedding for the past couple of months. 

I was recently engaged on September 14th! My FI and I are extremely happy and have been wanting to get the wedding rolling for a while now, months before we were engaged. We are wanting to have a 7-8 month engagement. When I mentioned this to my sister today, I didn't get the reaction I was expecting... I was expecting her to be as excited as I was for her wedding plans. Instead, my sister told me that I'm being selfish and childish for wanting to get married before her, that I'm stealing her time, and that she should be the one getting married first beause she was engaged first. I'm not really sure what I should think or feel about this. 

I honestly feel like above all else, I should be making myself happy. I don't want to wait another year to be married to the love of my life. How long is it going to be my sister's time? This whole next year? The next year and a half? The next two years? Ughhhh! Help me!

Re: Help!!

  • I'm sorry, that sounds tough.  Know that you are not wrong for making your wedding plans, and no, you shouldn't have to wait until after they get married- your decisions have nothing to do with the ones she has made. 

    Do understand, though, that she may be feeling upset because that's probably what she originally wanted, too.  (But it doesn't excuse her behavior, either.)  You can't change how she is going to respond, so what I would suggest is just to be sensitive when it comes to talking about the wedding.  Wait a little while before asking her to be in your bridal party (that is, if you had planned on that, which I'm assuming you did), you might be surprised, she may come around and actually get excited about helping you get ready, as she's already done some of this. 

    After a little time, if you can, try to talk with her (not argumentatively, you don't want to create a divide between you two, it's not worth it), and express that it would mean a lot to you to have her support, and express that you still fully support she and her fiance.  She may not express her excitement for a while, but it's worth showing her that your wedding doesn't have anything to do with competing with her- and above all, try not to harbor bitterness or anger.  Be patient and understanding. 

    I know it can be difficult when a family member is less than excited about you getting married- my own parents thought we were getting married too quickly and tried to start arguments on anything from his unshaven look to his type of degree, but they eventually came around when they realized we were going ahead with it.  If they were disrespectful, I told them I wasn't going to listen anymore, but I did hear out their respectful concerns.  But then it was my choice, not theirs.  Same with you- still surround yourself with supportive friends and family.  Don't let it get you down. Hope that helps!
  • It may also have to do with the fact that not only did she get engaged first, but she is the oldest and not getting married first. When my younger brother got engaged and married before  me, it was kind of strange, but only for a second. I can imagine with sisters it might be worse.
    It doesn't make what she's doing right, but just might explain a little more.
    But PP is right, do what you need/want to do with your life and just support her as best you can. She will get over it. Promise.
  • That sucks, but I agree that If they made the decision to push their wedding back it shouldn't effect your wedding.  I would suggest talking to family to be sure everyone is on board on making each wedding event exciting for each of you.  Dress shopping for you should be separate from her experience as well as the bridal showers, etc.  If everyone equally gets the attention their will be no "thunder" to steal. 
    I lived this experience with my brothers... older brother got engaged in Dec, set wedding for the next summer.  2nd brother gets engaged in Feb and they set their date for the following march, so sister in laws to be had the "she's stealing my thunder" moment.  But all worked out.  Both brides to be got their equal moments of spotlight, and both weddings were beautiful.  Once the initial engagment period was over, all settled and planning was normal.  I'm sure it is a little different since she is your sister, and girls are different than boys in these situations, but I would think that as long as your families give equal attention to you both, your sister just needs to get over it and be happy for you as much as you were for her.  If not, don't let her ruin your time!
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  • Congratulations on your engagement! It does suck that your sister isn't being as happy and supportive as you would like, but it sounds like it's coming from a place of jealousy more than anything else--although she did make the decision to buy a house rather than get married this year. That said, did you ask her if she was okay with you getting married before her, rather than just telling her your plan? No, you don't need her permission, but it is a courtesy and it's something my friend asked her brother and his fiancee before she beat them to the alter, so to speak. In that case, her brother didn't mind but it's clear that your sister does. I think you really need to sit down with your sister and find out just how important it is to her that she get married first. Is this a temporary anger (you've only been engaged a few days) or is it relationship-ruining anger? If it's the latter, then you need to weigh your options. Do you want to get married and lose your sister or are you willing to change your date to preserve your sisterhood? Yes, it is your wedding and you can do what you want, but you need to ask yourself what is the most important to you? In my case, I really wanted to get married next summer but we found out that my brother would be deployed and wouldn't be back until the fall, so we made the decision to have a January 2014 wedding. I didn't want to push it back six months and I never wanted a winter wedding but it was important to me that my brother be there. The point is, Sometimes you have to make a decision you don't want but it's not going to ruin your wedding or your marriage. After all, you are going to be married for the rest of your life. I'm sure your sister will get over this and you won't have to change your date, but if she's truly, inconsolably angree, then you should think about reevaluating your priorities.
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