Bridesmaid drama!

nurse2b06 · July 2010

I am having a HUGE problems with my bridesmaids following through and doing anything for the wedding. I got all of them together right after we got engaged to help me pick out dresses. That was about 6 months ago. Now it's time to order the dresses and I can't get ANYONE (except my MOH who is my sister) to respond to when they are available to get the dresses. I finally just set a date to get them and STILL, nobody will reply to me. I feel like nobody thinks this is important and they can all just wait until the last minute. I'm super organized and want everything done on time.
What should I do?

Beachy730 · July 2010

Call the place you are getting it from and ask them the last possible day for the dresses to be ordered to ensure that they will get their on time. Tell the girls that date, and let them go order them on their own time before that date. I know everyone says if they don't have it the day of the wedding, then they are just a guest and no big deal. it can be stressful though on you.

You don't need to all go at once to get the dress. Set it up with the store that they can go in on their own. Or have each girl get measured and give you the measurements so you can go in and order what they need.

Who is paying for the dresses? If they are paying for them, maybe it just isn't a good time for them to pay that money right now. Maybe you can call or email each girl invidually. I only say email since sometimes its easier for people to be honest when they have time to think about how they want to say things as compared to being put on the spot. Give them the information about the dress and tell them when it needs to be ordered by. You could say something like "This is the style number and designer of the dress. You need to order it from this store by this date to ensure that it will be in on time. I would love to go with you to order it but I understand if that can't work. If you won't be able to order it in time or if there are any other problems please let me know ASAP."

Most stores recommend 3-4 months I believe for BM dresses, so they are starting to cut it close. You are getting married in the off season though, so if its a popular dress and color you are ordering there's a decent chance it will come in sooner. I know my girls dresses at David's came in after only 3-6 weeks (all ordered seperately and some had different dresses), and they had been told up to 4 months.

jagore08 · July 2010

When did the bridal shop say that the dresses need to be ordered by? Make sure this is the date before rush fees are added and that there's enough time to get them altered, if need be. Once you have that info, pass it on to your BM and let them work it out.

LD1970 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-drama-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bf017dd1-81b6-4079-8b8a-0706a5ad1a6bPost:4e3893b5-56b6-4d46-9443-044803d9aee2">Bridesmaid drama!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am having a HUGE problems with my bridesmaids following through and doing anything for the wedding. I got all of them together right after we got engaged to help me pick out dresses. That was about 6 months ago. Now it's time to order the dresses and I can't get ANYONE (except my MOH who is my sister) to respond to when they are available to get the dresses. I finally just set a date to get them and STILL, nobody will reply to me. I feel like nobody thinks this is important and they can all just wait until the last minute. I'm super organized and want everything done on time. What should I do?
Posted by nurse2b06[/QUOTE]
There's a TON of time, and they can order them on their own, seriously. Breathe, if you try to oversee every detail you're going to drive yourself insane, and that doesn't help anyone, least of all you.<div>
</div><div>Just get them the info they need and trust them to follow through.</div>

AdeleDazeem · July 2010

I agree with the previous posters and have one alternative suggestion.

For a few weddings I've been in, the bride collected measurements for everyone and then went to the store and ordered them herself. When the dresses came in, she picked them up and mailed them out to all the bridesmaids. This way, she had a modicum of control over ordering the dresses and making sure things were done on time.

Whatever works for you, but don't pester your friends endlessly about it. If most people can make it on one day, then go with those that can make it and let the others know how to order.

banana468 · July 2010

If you're not getting married until December, you have plenty of time.

As PPs said, find out the date the the dress shop needs the order in and tell them, "Call the shop with your measurements by X date."

I also hope that if you've chosen the dress that you asked them their budgets in advance so they're aware of how much they can spend and how much the dress is. For now, just say, "The order needs to be in by X time." and leave it.

You can want a lot of stuff done on time, but unless you're paying, you have to understand that this isn't going to be the same priority for your friends as it will be for you. Just relax and trust that your friends will get things done on time.

Sapphire1002 · July 2010

Sometimes money is the issue for some and it becomes tricky to get it done. I agree with PP, find out last possible order date from bridal shop (without incurring "rush" fees) and let the girls know. Also, many shops allow the BM's to put 1/2 down upon ordering and that should help offset some stress if that's the issue. I know it's important to you and it is to them, but they will get it done

. GL!

trix1223 · July 2010

Not your responsibility, here. If you've chosen the dress (with their input on budget) and given the appropriate dates, then stop micromanaging.

You're thinking, "There's only 5 months until the wedding!!" They're thinking "Sheesh, it's 5 whole months until the wedding? What's the hurry?"

As pps said: get the drop dead date and tell them that after that date, they will have to pay extra. Then trust them to be the adults that they are and get it done.

GL

aerinpegadrak · July 2010

My MOH didn't even SELECT a dress until six weeks before the wedding. Yeah, you've got time.

bablingbrooke · July 2010

Find out when they HAVE to be ordered to get them in time for the wedding. Then email that info to your BMs. Then let it go. It's on them to get it in time. Nobody likes a bride who micromanages her BMs, and it sounds like that's what you're doing. If one BM isn't doing it, I could sympathize. But all but one means that the problem is you, since I highly doubt they're all in cahoots with each other to stress you out and spite you.

Just because YOU like to do things early doesn't give you license to make THEM do things on your timeline. Life doesn't work that way.

If the shop is filling your head with fears about dye lots, ignore it. Not only are the color differences minimal at best, most dyes are calibrated electronically (think like when you get a can of paint at home depot--they get a can of white paint and the machine electronically puts in the right amounts of dye to get the right shade) so it really isn't an issue anymore.

Trust your friends to come through for you. Treating people like you don't trust them makes them not like you.

ALS2011 · July 2010

You have time!! We aren't getting married until 4/23/11 and I was SURE that my BM's were lined out, only to find out that my FUTURE sister in law didn't want to do it!! How stressful! Not only do I have to go find another BM but I have to deal with the fact that my future sister in law isn't all that thrilled about this! haha! Things could be worse!

Noland&Veronica6 · July 2010

Do what I did make them feel bad by saying, it's ok I understand this is not about you so I understand if your not interested in making my day run smooth then don't worry about being a part of MY DAY ... Because at the end of the day as long as YOU YOUR HUSBAND and PASTOR are there that's all that matters.

mkarns · July 2010

Yikes! Timelines and Bridesmaids are proving to be extremely difficutl. I definitely understand your frustrations...I agree with all prior posts. Just give them the order-by dates and have them order the dresses on their own. Thats what I have come down to.

If its any consolation...My Dad is making me pick my sister as my MOH. She happens to be the most irresposible person I know. She stood me up for 2 dress appointments. I mean left me standing there alone with no call, no return text, nothing. She finally showed up to my last appointment, but then literally refused to try on bridesmaids dresses. The sales clerk was appalled. Her reasoning "Um...I didnt come prepared to try on dresses...So i'm not going to try on dresses." After a couple minutes of arguing with her, a girlfriend I had with me who IS NOT part of the Bridal party offered to try on the dresses. Awful. I'm hoping the remaining 5 months go a little more smooth.

Good luck, girlfriend!

bookworm07 · July 2010

If you are the bride and you want things done by a certain time, tell them it is then or never. If they don't get them by that time, then threaten to replace them. If they are like that now, what is going to happen once the wedding last week and wedding day arrive?

If you don't want to threaten them, or you don't have anyone to replace them, then you sit down with each one alone to see why they aren't getting them now. Maybe it is for financial reasons and they don't want to reveal that to the rest of the group.

moxadeco · July 2010

I would say relaxed. As long as the bridesmaids know what the dress is to get and when they have to get it, let them get the dresses at their own time. Unless you are paying for their dresses, there is really no need to all go at the same time...

kristinlj · July 2010

I totally understand.. It is 4 weeks before my wedding and I still have 5 guys and 3 girls that have to get fitted!! It's not that they don't care, it's just that times are tough but they should've realized that agreeing to be in your bridal party means you are accepting that you will have to have funds for certain necessities.. I would give them a cutoff date and if they don't go by that time, they're out..

walkat23 · July 2010

I wanted all the bridesmaids to have strapless dresses since my dress is strapless but one girl told me that she insisted on having straps or at the very least a halter top cause she has bigger boobs and wanted the support. Another girl has to have straps and a shaw cause she doesnt like her arms. The the Maid of Honor Has to be different from the other two. Kill me now!! LoL Yet not one of the three has time to come with me to look at freaking dresses. The wedding is Oct. 30th. The guys are trying me to hurry up so they can go get their tuxes. I just about ready to have no bridesmaids.

nicoleme · July 2010

My wedding is the day before yours and the deadline for my bridesmaids to order is Aug 5th. This might be a good starting point for you. Find out your deadline date and then loosen the reigns on your end. Let them know when the order is due and they can independently order. If you don't trust them to follow through- they shouldn't be your bmaids. My sister had this same problem with one of her bridesmaids; she wouldn't answer her phone, complained the last 5 months about the money and didn't come to any event other than the wedding. It was a huge headache and I found my sister crying on many occasions. You may want to re-evaluate who you want to be standing next to you on your special day. These girls should be ready to help when called upon and additionally, if it's about the money- they shouldn't have accepted a commitment as large as this if they're not able to follow through. No, not every knot to-do list is going to get completed exactly on time. So know that and be careful with the compulsiveness. Best wishes! :-)
-Nicole

Soon2BWe · July 2010

Uy! This is terrible! I am super organized too and love to have things done ahead to be sure they are ready and perfect! This is why, against everyone's recommendation and eye rolling, I chose to have NO bride's maids or grooms men! My "maid of honor" is my 6 year old neice and the best man is our 4 year old nephew! They are easier to dress without a fuss... The day of the wedding, we plan to surprise the "REAL" maid of honor and best man by letting them know they are it... We know they'll be dressed for the occassion and super psyched and surprised... That's enough for me... No Drama! ...from anyone else but me or the groom, that is... its OUR day, after all!

Good luck! I'm sure the girls will get their dresses in time...

katjagirl · July 2010

I was having the same issue with one of my bridesmaids, so I had the shop call them directly to light a fire... they got her to come in the next day.

aerinpegadrak · July 2010

Oh Christ, here come the newbs.

banana468 · July 2010

[QUOTE]If you are the bride and you want things done by a certain time, tell them it is then or never. If they don't get them by that time, then threaten to replace them. If they are like that now, what is going to happen once the wedding last week and wedding day arrive?
[/QUOTE]

That is awful advice. Awful. Awful. Awful.

[QUOTE]I wanted all the bridesmaids to have strapless dresses since my dress is strapless but one girl told me that she insisted on having straps or at the very least a halter top cause she has bigger boobs and wanted the support. Another girl has to have straps and a shaw cause she doesnt like her arms. The the Maid of Honor Has to be different from the other two. Kill me now!! LoL Yet not one of the three has time to come with me to look at freaking dresses. The wedding is Oct. 30th. The guys are trying me to hurry up so they can go get their tuxes. I just about ready to have no bridesmaids. [/QUOTE]

LISTEN to your BMs. Why would you want them to be uncomfortable? No one notices that all the people in the wedding party have the same neckline.

smdubs · July 2010

I feel ya. I live a very busy life and need to be very organized. I picked JCrew dresses for my bridesmaids so they can wear them again and again... I picked the color, they picked from five styles. All the girls, with the exception of my m.o.h., got to the store to order their dresses with not problem. Since my m.o.h. is pretty unreliable so I purchased her dress myself. I'll loan it to her for the wedding and then back in MY closet it goes!

Sometimes you need to think outside the box!

cwm11985 · July 2010

I totally understand, I'm having a difficult time getting a few of my bridesmaids to respond to anything either. One of them waited until literally the LAST day (and until about 5pm that day!) that we could order the dresses to go get fitted. I had asked and asked and asked her nicely for months. Finally that week I was like hey, remember the last day is coming up..if you aren't able to go...then, oh well. I mean, I didn't know what else to do or say either, it was SO frustrating that she wasn't taking it seriously either. I guess you just have to be really nice with your requests but let your girls know that its urgent to get things done. good luck!!

kcople1 · July 2010

Here is what I did (if this any help at all). I am an early planner too. I ordered in April and my wedding isn't until December!
My sister (MOH) was the only one of the bridesmaids who tried on the dress. To see what it would look like on a body and to give the official seal of approval. From there I emailed my other bridesmaids pix of my sis in the dress and the ad of the dress to see it all glammed up. I gave a date for measurements and checks to be in (which was earlier than the date that I wanted to order by). I got all the measurements in first and payed with my credit card (personal choice) and then emailed indivually about money later. My bridesmaids are all over the place so I ordered a few of them to be shipped to their houses instead of to me.

Good Luck! Breathe!

CosetteG · July 2010

Agree with banana468 on this.

If they are paying for the dress, shouldnt they at least feel comfortable and attractive in them?

Brides need to stop being so bridezilla about their weddings and just chill. Focus on the fact that you are about to marry the love of your life and of course focus on having FUN at your reception! All these little things are so trivial and when you come to realize it after your wedding....you'll feel silly for having stressed over those things.

I do get that while in the planning process, these things can be stressful and I'm not saying I dont have my own concerns and stresses (I'm getting married 10/9), but I've been good at listening to every married friend and cousin of mine. To just BREATHE, relax, and have FUN.

defstar82 · July 2010

i ended up having to take my girls one at a time, since there was never a time they were all available.

juliamhimes · July 2010

If you've decided on a dress, just give them a date to have it ordered by. My bridesmaids all ordered their's own their own. They did this online through a discount website and saved money on the dress. I am also in a wedding this fall and we ordered our bridesmaid dresses in the same manner-on our own. Don't let yourself get stressed out about this-such a small part in the big, important picture:)

kdhager · July 2010

I understand your pain and went through it about two months ago. We picked dresses back in December, and then I changed my mind around April. My wedding is in September. I was in no hurry since I knew April was rather early. Then I ran into some problems when we picked new dresses... One of my girls refused to order her dress

She wanted to lose weight before she ordered it and wanted to have hers rushed towards the end. Well, wasn't an issue of whether she wanted it rushed - so long as it got there in time, I wasn't concerned. It was the dye lot issue! Either they all ordered at the same time, or they ALL had to pay rush shipping. Not a good situation. I finally just had to set a date for them to order it by and that was it. I couldn't ask all the girls to pay rush shipping of $50. What if there was a hurricane or some freak of nature and they didn't make it here?! AHHH, stress that was not necessary. I can definitely say, just give them a date and if they need help with money, offer the help. With this economy, we're all tight on money, but if they need help, I am all up for helping a good friend so she can stand by my side on such an important date.

Well, now the drama has really begun

There is drama between all of them with who wants to throw a shower and now no one can agree on a date for my bachelorette party. It is getting hard and I am not a bridezilla, but the fact that I now have to give up my fiance's birthday to have a bachelorette party with my girls kind of sucks. Best advice - It is your wedding and don't forget that. I can say firsthand it is getting very hard worrying about everyone else's needs over my own. Doing something for yourself, whatever that has to be. GOOD LUCK!!

crystal.paolelli · July 2010

I have to agree with banana there is some really bad advice in here.

Why would you threaten your BM's? If I threatened my friends/BM's they would respond with a "nice knowing you bridezilla," quit and never speak to me again. Weddings are about the couple but your BM's are there for you (hopefully) and shouldn't be treated like dogs.

My MOH's and I went to a few shops tried some dresses on they picked their favorite and I gave it an A-OK. Gave all the girls the date they had to have the order in by and if they didn't make that date they took the risk of having to have it rushed or possibly buying the sample dress. Honestly if one of the girls didn't get their dress on time I would just supplement another similar one that was available sooner.

Some get way over stressed about weddings. Have fun. You'll most likely only be doing this once so enjoy it and don't worry about everything coming out "perfect."

cnm220 · July 2010

We are having the same issue, and I can't figure out a way to ask them to order it SOON without coming across as rude or pushy. Sigh. They were given the style number and ordering info in February and asked to order their dresses by July 1st. Out of 5 bridesmaids, only 1 ordered it on time. Now the rest are giving us the run around. It's exhausting, but luckily, we have a little time to spare, and the first dress came back fairly quickly.

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