S/O: " Are things different"

pixiedust84 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_things-different?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ae5ab98-b5f6-408d-b8c1-23bd35bab3f1Post:4003d30a-faec-41b0-84bc-3174c6c532bb">Re: S/O: " Are things different"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: S/O: " Are things different" : I agree with this. At that point, it just seems like a facade (again, if it is for religious reasons, not practical or personal). But to each his own.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

Exactly. People should make decisions for themselves and what is right for them - not because of what anyone will think.

FutureMrsTR · June 2010

I think the whole "couples who live together before they get married are more likely to divorce" statistic is way skewed. I think it should be phrased as "couples who are morally against living together before marriage are also morally against (and therefore less likely to get a) divorce". It doesn't mean that couples who didn't live together before marriage are happier.

missy68 · June 2010

Well, I quit my job, moved 1000 miles to a new state, new region of the country, and away from all of my family and friends to see if we were a solid couple (which I believed we were). He, in turn, gave up his bachelor lifestyle (no more poker nights at his place, no more stupid forest green walls everywhere, and hopefully soon no more damn waterbed). I could have moved into an apartment, but I would have been miserable. How do you go from coping with maybe 6 inches of snow all winter and temps in the 30s to 3 blizzards a year, temps in the -20s multiple times, 69 inches of snow, and a 12+ snowpack for 3 MONTHS? I truly NEEDED him.

My mom hated it. Her mom, a minister's wife, believe it or not, gave us her blessing - then told me not to tell my mom she told me it was ok

. My dad was okay with it. My brother was too, and everyone just raved over him.

I'm also 42, I've lived on my own for about 18 years, and been married once before. All those factors played into the decision.

jonchrissy · June 2010

Fi and I don't live together- but it's not by choice. We have lived together for short periods of time in our relationship, but never more than 6 months. The reason why we don't live together is that we were in a long distance relationship. FI just got a job much closer to me and we're moving in together in September after my lease is up. I'm so excited!

emilyinchile · June 2010

Looking back, I think the most important thing that I learned about H by living together before marriage was the finances issue. We come from very different backgrounds and feel differently about money, and I don't know that we would have realized exactly how we both saw things if we weren't living together, splitting bills and saving for joint things.

To answer the dealbreaker question, I can see something like that having been a dealbreaker. I wouldn't have married someone who had totally incompatible financial beliefs. And something like being messy, you can work on that, but living together also gives you more insight into whether your partner is going to expect you to do all the cleaning up (whether because of gender roles or just because he's lazy) - and again, while I'd try to work on that, if it became apparent that my boyfriend thought I should pick up after him til death do us part, I wouldn't get married. I wouldn't live with someone I wasn't serious with, so I wouldn't expect to find out something that ended the relationship, but I can see how it would be possible.

MissMandey · June 2010

My parents lost their minds when I moved in with FI three months before the wedding because my job transfer to the city he lives in came in sooner than expected. (we were long distance before I moved in)

The only reason I didn't move in before that is because my parents are super religious and I didn't want to disapoint them.

But now that I have disapointed them.... and I see how much happier I am, then I highly recommend it to any and all who ask.

If you love your FH, you want to be with him. It just makes sense. Maybe it was more so for us because we were long distance, but I think most couples even that only live a few minutes apart want that closeness.

emilyinchile · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_things-different?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ae5ab98-b5f6-408d-b8c1-23bd35bab3f1Post:7544c729-2d8c-4f91-a839-115c7a1e3abe">Re: S/O: " Are things different"</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the whole "couples who live together before they get married are more likely to divorce" statistic is way skewed. I think it should be phrased as "couples who are morally against living together before marriage are also morally against (and therefore less likely to get a) divorce". It doesn't mean that couples who didn't live together before marriage are happier.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

I also think there are plenty of people who jump into living together, and they're probably more likely to get a divorce than people who've made a rational decision that they're ready for cohabitation. That statistic is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

salt78 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_things-different?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ae5ab98-b5f6-408d-b8c1-23bd35bab3f1Post:980e1959-8788-487a-89e5-e4f9624e1bbe">Re: S/O: " Are things different"</a>:
[QUOTE]A lot of people say that they would like to know how a person is to live with and in bed before getting married. Gotcha. Is that a deal breaker though? Would you really end a relationship because the sex wasn't amazing for awhile or because they were sloppy?
Posted by andyandhillary[/QUOTE]

<div>I think it depends. I know someone that it was a dealbreaker for because the chemistry they had in the bedroom was VASTLY different than how well they got along otherwise. </div>

pixiedust84 · June 2010

I think people are getting the whole financial reasons thing from me - understandably- I wasn't clear.

Just for the record Fi and I moved in for far better reasons than financial. a) we love each other b) we wanted to. Which I think are great reasons - the practicality was a bonus. I mean I still maintain - why pay two rents when you're basically living together anyway? However you should live together because you want to, you're serious, and you want to move forward in your relationship - not to save money.

I guess the point was - if you've already made that step in most ways - minus the telling people and actually getting rid of one residence - then why not just officially do it.

GreenPepperBurger · June 2010

My BF and I are planning on living in a house that his family owns until we save up enough money to buy our own house. We cannot live there until we are at the very least engaged because his dad is super religious. Personally, I'm all for living together before marriage. But I know my BF is a slob when it comes to how he lives, and we've traveled together, so I pretty much know what I'm getting myself into.

aragx6 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_things-different?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ae5ab98-b5f6-408d-b8c1-23bd35bab3f1Post:7544c729-2d8c-4f91-a839-115c7a1e3abe">Re: S/O: " Are things different"</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the whole "couples who live together before they get married are more likely to divorce" statistic is way skewed. I think it should be phrased as "couples who are morally against living together before marriage are also morally against (and therefore less likely to get a) divorce". It doesn't mean that couples who didn't live together before marriage are happier.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

This is exactly what I was going to say. For us it wasn't a financial decision or anything like that. We both just felt it was the next progression of our relationship. If other things work for other couples, more power to them.

heather011 · June 2010

My FI and I don't live together for personal reasons. I moved out of my parents' house as soon as I graduated high school, but he lived with his parents until he finished his BA last year. We both really wanted him to experience living on his own so that he wasn't going straight from living with his parents to living with me. Not that it would've been a dealbreaker, but I was curious to see how he would handle having to take care of his own laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc., since his mom pretty much babied him all the time when he lived at home. Turns out, he completely took control of everything and his condo is cleaner than mine! I'm not sure if he would've established those same good habits if we were living together, or if he would've expected me to take over the cooking/cleaning role that he was used to having someone else do for him.

JanoBean75 · June 2010

FI and I have been living together over four years. We got our apartment after dating for a year and a half. Before that, he stayed over every weekend. He'd been living with his father to save money and things weren't great, so he was over a lot during the week, too. In a way, I feel like we've been living together our whole relationship. I wouldn't change a thing.

tamraj09 · June 2010

So I haven't responded to anything on here yet...but just wanted to share my little story.

My FI & I moved in together 6 months after we met, we have lived together for almost 8 years & our wedding is next month.

Living together for so long - we have learned A LOT about eachother, we know what the other doesn't like, we know what ticks the other one off, we also know what is needed from one another. We also know how to work together as a couple - anything from making plans, -either together or on our own-, taking care of our house, our dogs, the shopping, the bills, and the fun!

I think it really, really depends on the couple & I think it depends on how you let the other person, just...BE. I wouldn't change our arrangement for anything & I can't imagine myself in a world where we haven't lived together for the past "almost" 8 years! It has really, really been a wonderful time & I am sure it's only going to get better once we're married!

jnic0319 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_things-different?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ae5ab98-b5f6-408d-b8c1-23bd35bab3f1Post:980e1959-8788-487a-89e5-e4f9624e1bbe">Re: S/O: " Are things different"</a>:
[QUOTE]We aren't living together because we don't live in the same city. If we did, though, we wouldn't. It would have really bothered his dad (and mom while she was alive) and the rest of his family. Neither of us deny how much you learn about a person once you live with them but that was something we were ok with learning once we got married. Maybe you guys can clarify this for me: A lot of people say that they would like to know how a person is to live with and in bed before getting married. <strong> Gotcha. Is that a deal breaker though? Would you really end a relationship because the sex wasn't amazing for awhile or because they were sloppy? When you guys say that, that's how I interpret it but that seems odd so I am interested in some clarification.
Posted by andyandhillary[/QUOTE]</strong>

I come from a very Christian family who were not happy about us moving in together, his family is the opposite and advocated for it. We did end up moving in together, but to answer your question...I don't think it is, because frankly a good sexual relationship should consist of total honesty, you should be able to teach each other and talk openly about sex. Even the best sexual relationships will have a lull, and if you don't learn to be honest and open from the start you're doomed. You will learn from each other and teach each other, it's not a deal breaker in my opinion.

entwinedlove · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_things-different?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ae5ab98-b5f6-408d-b8c1-23bd35bab3f1Post:9e7933a0-3eda-4e16-a4ae-762b2e48f2eb">Re: S/O: " Are things different"</a>:
[QUOTE]Living with someone could be like living with a completely different person, if that makes sense. You know your SO as one way, but (figuratively) spending 24 hours a day, 7 days a week could show you sides you've never seen before. Totally don't want to learn that AFTER the fact, I like to know what I'm getting myself into.
Posted by JennandJoel2010[/QUOTE]

When my mom's parents "strongly encouraged" her to get married when she became pregnant at age 15, her intended was well groomed, clean, very polite, attractive, etc. After the marriage, and particularly after the birth of their daughter, he showed his "true colors" so to speak. He stopped bathing, left the house a wreck for her to clean all the time, and started beating her.

I can definitely understand how a person can show you one thing, and once you're married/living together can become a totally different person.
----------------------
The original question doesn't apply to me now, but I had previously not wanted to live with a significant other for several reasons and have since changed my mind. At one point in my life, my reasoning was religious as it was considered "living in sin." Later I wanted to live on my own to see how I would manage my own space -- I wanted to see if I could live on my own. I now know I can not survive on my paycheck alone. The last "roadblock" to living with my FI was purely selfish and childish -- I didn't want to set up house because when we did get engaged I wouldn't get to have a registry/bridal shower because we already have all the house things. I've grown up quite a bit since that last one, I promise.

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