My mother's maiden name or my father's legal name?

TPatz · February 2012

Okay, so here's a fun one for all you brides out there with Jerry-Springer-worthy families. I was born as M Smith (substitutions made for the names), but my father and almost his whole side of the family are absolutely bat crazy insane. In. Sane. So I stopped speaking to my father six years ago and five years ago started to go by M Brown (my mother's maiden name).

However, and this is where it all starts to get sticky, I've got three problems:

1. I never changed my surname from Smith to Brown legally because I live abroad and it would be way too much hassle with all the visas and passports.

2. I spoke to my father recently to tell him I was engaged, and although I know we'll never have a proper relationship, I don't want that side of the family to never speak to me again either.

3. Turns out we're not even Browns! It all surfaced after my grandfather's passing that he was illegitimate. Who'd a thunk it?

So what it boils down to is that I don't want to allienate the Smiths, but I also don't want horrible memories of my childhood in the form of their surname splashed all over my wedding stationery that I'm going to keep forever.

Thoughts? Thanks!

J&K10910 · February 2012

If everyone knows you as M Brown, I would put that on your invites and such, so you don't confuse anyone.

kwilliams111012 · February 2012

Hmm, sticky situation. Just an idea - you could hyphenate Brown-Smith on the invitation if you really want to use last names or you could do what PP said and use use your first and middle name. I think either would be just fine, IMHO

StephBeanWed61502 · February 2012

What about putting your mom in the "host" position on the invite (even if she's not really hosting in the financial sense)? Then it would read something like this:

"Annie Brown

requests the pleasure of your company

at the marriage of her daughter

FIRSTNAME MIDDLENAME

to

FI FULL NAME

on blah blah blah date

at blah blah blah time

at blah blah blah location."

That way, you're not slighting the Smiths by explicitly using your mom's last name, but you're also not using the Smith last name at all. Also, as a side note, if your grandfather's legal name was Brown, he's a Brown and so is your mom (at least from a name perspective), even if it turns out he wasn't biologically a Brown, so don't stress about that part of it.

ootmother2 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mothers-maiden-name-fathers-legal-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1d86c777-25f3-4bc2-bb3d-0e90e6952861Post:5d8a3cc7-7e88-4cb6-b7f8-ee65b4e3459f">Re: My mother's maiden name or my father's legal name?</a>:
[QUOTE]What about putting your mom in the "host" position on the invite (even if she's not really hosting in the financial sense)? Then it would read something like this: "Annie Brown requests the pleasure of your company at the marriage of her daughter FIRSTNAME MIDDLENAME to FI FULL NAME on blah blah blah date at blah blah blah time at blah blah blah location." That way, you're not slighting the Smiths by explicitly using your mom's last name, but you're also not using the Smith last name at all. Also, as a side note, if your grandfather's legal name was Brown, he's a Brown and so is your mom (at least from a name perspective), even if it turns out he wasn't biologically a Brown, so don't stress about that part of it.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

^excellent idea

strlzfan11 · February 2012

FWIW there were no last names whatsoever on my sister & BIL's wedding invitation.

adktd2boots · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mothers-maiden-name-fathers-legal-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1d86c777-25f3-4bc2-bb3d-0e90e6952861Post:708048a1-96cc-417c-af1c-54bda3c8136a">My mother's maiden name or my father's legal name?</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, so here's a fun one for all you brides out there with Jerry-Springer-worthy families. I was born as M Smith (substitutions made for the names), but my father and almost his whole side of the family are absolutely bat crazy insane. In. Sane. So I stopped speaking to my father six years ago and five years ago started to go by M Brown (my mother's maiden name). However, and this is where it all starts to get sticky, I've got three problems: 1. I never changed my surname from Smith to Brown legally because I live abroad and it would be way too much hassle with all the visas and passports. 2. I spoke to my father recently to tell him I was engaged, and although I know we'll never have a proper relationship, I don't want that side of the family to never speak to me again either. 3. Turns out we're not even Browns! It all surfaced after my grandfather's passing that he was illegitimate. Who'd a thunk it? So what it boils down to is that I don't want to allienate the Smiths,<u><strong> but I also don't want horrible memories of my childhood in the form of their surname splashed all over my wedding stationery that I'm going to keep forever. </strong></u>Thoughts? Thanks!
Posted by TPatz[/QUOTE]

Are you really going to look back at the stationary all that often and think 'what a horrible childhood!' I think you would more than likely look at the stuff and think 'what a wonderful wedding we had'.

Look forward to the new life you're making together and don't look back regretting a past you cannot change. It has made you who you are today.

specialk84 · February 2012

I like Steph's idea. FWIW, my last name was not on my invitations.

TPatz · February 2012

Thanks all for the ideas! I think Steph's is brilliant too and will definitely but it to my momma and see if she's up for it.

tenofcups4me · February 2012

You can avoid it altogether like the PP suggested. Or if you use a last name, I'd use Brown. That's the name you go by and the name that presumably most people know you by. Given that you hadn't spoken to your dad in 6 years and you say his whole family is BSC, I wouldn't be overly concerned about what any of them think.

jennipea382 · February 2012

One of my friends has a similar situation. She has 2 last names - her legal last name from her birth certificate, and the other she goes by. Or went by I should say. She started going by the other one more recently. It's a little confusing but most of her good friends know both last names, so we get it. I'm not sure how her family feels about it and I can't remember the deal with the two last names. I think one was her birth dad's last name and the other was either her mom's maiden name or her step dads' name.

Anyways, I think the BEST idea is to leave off your last name, but I can see how that would make it confusing, especially if your mom isn't hosting. Otherwise personally I'd go with what most people know me by. Good luck!

Avion22 · February 2012

I really don't see what your grandfather's illegitimacy has to do with any of this. If his last name was "Brown" then he was a Brown. If your Mom's last name is Brown, then she is a Brown.

I think you're fine to put the name you are most comfortable with (and the name that you publicly use) on your wedding invitation. There is no need to use your Dad's last name, and based on your relationship with him and his family I don't think I would even give their opinion a second thought. You are a Brown, so use Brown :-)

likeadeadstar · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mothers-maiden-name-fathers-legal-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1d86c777-25f3-4bc2-bb3d-0e90e6952861Post:5d8a3cc7-7e88-4cb6-b7f8-ee65b4e3459f">Re: My mother's maiden name or my father's legal name?</a>:
[QUOTE]What about putting your mom in the "host" position on the invite (even if she's not really hosting in the financial sense)? Then it would read something like this: "Annie Brown requests the pleasure of your company at the marriage of her daughter FIRSTNAME MIDDLENAME to FI FULL NAME on blah blah blah date at blah blah blah time at blah blah blah location." That way, you're not slighting the Smiths by explicitly using your mom's last name, but you're also not using the Smith last name at all. Also, as a side note, if your grandfather's legal name was Brown, he's a Brown and so is your mom (at least from a name perspective), even if it turns out he wasn't biologically a Brown, so don't stress about that part of it.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

This. Solves everything - no explicit last name to tick off the Smiths; no "am I Brown or not?" to be debated. Although, I'm a little baffled as to why you are so concerned with them when their very last name conjures up memories of "insane and horrible childhood events"...

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