dealing with a bossy bridesmaid

HollieLyles · November 2010

i am the maid of honor in my brother's wedding and one of the bridesmaids is trying to be the one to plan everything as far as a bridal shower and stuff. i have felt that she is trying to slowly push her way in the MOH position which irritates me. she is trying to tell me i need to do the small stuff b/c shes has been in weddings before and knows what to do as a moh and bridesmaid but its not her responsibility to take on the duties of the moh. i have mentioned it to the bride and she thinks that this bridesmaid is just trying to help not take over as moh. but as moh i want to do more than address shower invites!!

LD1970 · November 2010

When I was MOH in my sister's wedding, we all divided stuff up. For the shower, 3 o the 4 of us picked a venue & menu together, decided together on centerpieces. The fourth bridesmaid was in Azerbaijan and was in contact via email. She's the one who came up with the favors, and ordered them, and the 3 of us who were local put them together. We all paid equally into the expense.

for the bachelorette party, I did do most of the research into finding things, but all decisions were made by committee and we compromised on the plans.

Why can't you guys do that? Work together?

HollieLyles · November 2010

I wouldn't mind dividing things up but this girl is trying to make all the decisions and doesn't take into consideration what my or the other bridesmaid's opinions are on whatever it is that we are talking about. the only thing she agreed on is that we should split the price of things 3ways but she wants to basically plan the whole thing herself. i think she thinks that since she was a moh in the last wedding she was in that she needs to do that in this wedding. it doesnt really help that her and i have never got along before this and now i have to deal with her to get through this wedding.

LD1970 · November 2010

Ugh. Well, I think you & the 3rd bridesmaid should point out that you'll only be paying 1/3 each of decisions you HELP TO MAKE, and if she wants to do it all on her own, that's just fine, but then she needs to figure out how to foot the bill herself as well.

aerinpegadrak · November 2010

Normally I'm not a fan of the bride getting in the middle, but it might be worth asking the bride to talk her into stepping back a bit and working with you guys more. Don't approach it from a "she's trying to steal my job" angle, but more from the angle of "we want to help too and she's just ignoring us."

Otherwise, I think LD is right and you might just have to hold your money hostage, and only contribute toward things you helped to decide. If she goes ahead and books/buys something without consulting you first, I don't think you're under any obligation to help pay for it.

bablingbrooke · November 2010

It's not necessarily the MOH's job to plan things. My MOH did nothing to plan parties--the other BMs did.

However, if she's trying to make you pay for things you didn't agree to pay for, that's wrong. Just make it clear that all three of you are deciding things together, and that you're not paying for anything you didn't have a say in. It's a very reasonable statement to make.

banana468 · November 2010

I'm going to echo PPs.

You may also get away with writing an email as "MOH" to say, "I realize that there are a ton of ideas we've been throwing around about X event. Let's come up with a plan that the group of us like when it comes to all the details."

If you show her that you're in charge of some things, that will hopefully help her to back down. If she does things without you just say, "I think it's important that anything regarding X be something that's a joint decision if we're going to be splitting the cost. It isn't fair to the others to ask them to spend money if they didn't agree to it."

HollieLyles · November 2010

i think i am going to try the email first and then if that doesnt work im going to hold my money hostage and if that doesnt work im going to talk with the bride about asking her to back off. thank you for your advice!

LD1970 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_dealing-bossy-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9f292f9f-7153-4ce4-8641-6650da455883Post:e48e67fb-b5ee-4896-badd-d18437ea028d">Re: dealing with a bossy bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]You need Chips and Dip. Major Chips and Dip. When she gets pushy: "Thanks for that suggestion. Have you tried this dip? It's delicious." Her: you need to do x. You: "Would you like some chips to go with the dip?" Keep changing the subject. She can't discuss it if you don't participate.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
This is normally an AWESOME suggestion, but it doesn't sound like the bridesmaid is demanding things of the MOH & other BM, it sounds like she's just taking over, planning it herself without consulting the other two, and then intends to demand the cash. In that instance, OP can "dip" the bossy BM all she likes, but if bossy is going ahead and ordering/booking things, dip doesn't stop her.

mbcdefg · November 2010

I would personally say, "The other bridesmaids and I want to do X, and since that's the majority we feel it's best to do it this way. Maybe we can combine some of your ideas with ours so that it's fairly split between all of us."

If she argues and says she's doing it her way, then say, "We're really not comfortable with doing it that way. If you want to help us with our plans, fine. If you want to plan your own separate event instead, fine."

mrstfuture · November 2010

WOW, I wish my BM's and MOH were arguing that way. My BMs won't even talk to my MOH about the shower and are all crying poverty when it comes to the shower. My sister (MOH) and mother will be hosing the bridal shower.

miaka51 · November 2010

Just a side note - please dont inform the bride that you arent getting along... it just seems like a bad idea to stress her out about having to police her support system. Unless it is really unruly, don't bring her into it... I know i wouldnt want to have to play "mom" to my maids...

LD1970 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_dealing-bossy-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9f292f9f-7153-4ce4-8641-6650da455883Post:5d648b1b-2ffb-4d52-9feb-42ca5ddbd9f9">Re: dealing with a bossy bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]Remember that NO is not a four-letter word, and you are not a bad person for using it.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
Why do so many people not realize this?

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