shower faux pas

leahlu · February 2010

My sister/MOH is throwing me a bridal shower. One of our mutual friends (who I didn't plan to invite to the wedding) found out via Facebook about the shower and sent her a tacky message like "guess I'm not good enough to be invited to the shower." So my sister caved and invited her, pretending it had been a mistake. However my sister wasn't aware that she was not on the wedding guestlist and I know it's rude to invite someone to a shower and not to the wedding. So now what do I do?

emilykathleen511 · February 2010

Ooo, toughie. Well the friend was rude for even asking, so it was her faux pas to begin with. I would just let it go. She basically invited herself (although your sister should have stood her ground on this one). I would just act really surprised to see her at the shower like you had nothing to do with it (and you didn't) and if she asks about the wedding, just say "We couldn't possibly invite everyone we wanted to due to budget/space constraints, but thank you so much for coming to my shower."

I think the BEST thing to do would be to just invite her to the wedding if there is any way you could you could fit her into your budget and you have space at your venue. If not, YOU have not committed any faux pas. Your sister sort of did, but mainly it was the friend who was rude.

LittleSweetie · February 2010

Ask yourself how you would feel in the uninvited guest's situation. And I know you wouldn't invite yourself to a shower, but I've been invited to showers when I wasn't invited to the wedding, and it SUCKS. Here I am, at my second cousin's wedding shower with a $40 gift because the hostess, her aunt/my dad's cousin, thought it would be nice to invite us. After we got A) no thank you for the shower gift and

no invite to the wedding, we felt majorly snubbed. Sucks, dude.

I think you need to suck it up and invite her to the wedding even though you don't want to. This coming only from how I personally felt after going to a shower when I wasn't invited to the wedding. You need to make an exception, or you will lose this "friend" that won't forgive you for not inviting her to your wedding.

ETA: This is why I didn't talk about my wedding on Facebook! You might want to mention that to your sister as well - if there wasn't talk on Facebook about the shower, you wouldn't be in this situation

debbieupper · February 2010

I have to say I agree with EmilyKathleen. She was absolutely rude making a comment like that, and you have no obligation to invite her to the wedding because of it.

I get what Little Sweetie is saying about feeling snubbed when you're invited to a shower and not to the wedding ... but in her situation she didn't make a rude comment to get herself invited in the first place.

Also, if you do end up inviting her to the wedding because of all this, how many others would be feeling snubbed for not making "the list" over (or along with) her?

Good luck making your decision here. It's a sticky, not-fun one! But in the end it will be a tiny bump along the wedding madness road.

MoriaMN · February 2010

Ugh. These are exactly the types of things that make weddings so stressful. I know all of us have to deal with a few of these "peer pressure" invites. The easy thing, if you have the option, is to invite her. The other option might be to have a conversation with her about your limitations on the guest list, but I'd do it outside of the shower. After that conversation, maybe even offer to return any gift she gives/give her a comparable gift as a thank you because you feel rude accepting a gift at a shower knowing she wouldn't be invited to the wedding. You don't want her to feel scorned twice.

Two unfortunate decisions were made here--none by you. Sadly, I think you'll end up having to straighten things out.

emilykathleen511 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_minnesota-minneapolis-st-paul_shower-faux-pas?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:81Discussion:4c57dbba-6ff8-4a6c-ba7f-81f71c1ea607Post:6cd59c83-2c80-4897-b8f5-04da14b1dd2f">Re: shower faux pas</a>:
[QUOTE]Ugh. These are exactly the types of things that make weddings so stressful. I know all of us have to deal with a few of these "peer pressure" invites. The easy thing, if you have the option, is to invite her. <strong>The other option might be to have a conversation with her about your limitations on the guest list, but I'd do it outside of the shower.</strong> After that conversation, maybe even offer to return any gift she gives/give her a comparable gift as a thank you because you feel rude accepting a gift at a shower knowing she wouldn't be invited to the wedding. You don't want her to feel scorned twice. Two unfortunate decisions were made here--none by you. Sadly, I think you'll end up having to straighten things out.
Posted by MoriaMN[/QUOTE]

I would say ONLY have this discussion if she asks. It would be kind of rude to specifically decide to tell someone why they weren't good enough to be invited to your wedding.

golden1215 · February 2010

IMO I wouldnt invite her to the wedding simply because she was pushy enough to ask about the shower. If it's her plus a date you could easily add $200 to your cost and I doubt you'll get that in return. NOT that weddings are a running tally of money/gifts etc- but her rudeness should not be rewarded with an invite.

She contacted your sister about the shower, not you about the wedding- if she does, explain honestly about why you're not able to invite her and leave it at that.

shudak1 · February 2010

It's really weird she did that. Also weird that she cared so much. Tough call, but whatever you decide I agree that it's this girl that caused the prob.
Good luck!

kassie411 · March 2010

We have such a big family that a lot of time we get invited to showers that we aren't invited to the wedding. I wouldn't stress about it... except for her snotty comment.. I mean she might ASK if she's invited to the wedding. In that case just let her know you couldn't invite a lot of people you wish you could due to space restraints or something like that.

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