Sisters not in wedding party - Mom furious...help!

cdavis0620 · December 2009

My two sisters are about 20 years older than I am. While we have a great relationship, we aren't super close. My wedding party consists of my 4 best friends and my future sister-in-law. This morning, my mother decided to yell at me until I cried about not including my sisters in my wedding party, and how I have hurt their feelings and her feelings, etc. I had planned on asking my sisters to participate by doing a reading / giving a speech before dinner, but haven't asked them yet. What do I do about this? How do I get my Mom to calm down and stop making me feel like a horrible person?

emilyinchile · December 2009

Do your sisters care? Or is this just your mom thinking that you've violated the "rule" that you must put your sisters in the WP?

If your sisters don't care, I'd go ahead and ask them to do readings now. Then talk to your mom and say that you and your sisters are happy with how things are. It's not your mom's decision, and hopefully she'll realize that if all her daughters are in agreement.

If your sisters are upset, you have to decide if it's worth the family drama to keep them out of the WP or if it might just be easiest to include them as BMs. They're your sisters, so I don't think you'd regret having them up there with you, even if they're not your closest friends.

mbcdefg · December 2009

Your wedding party is YOURS to decide. Your mom was wrong to yell at you about this. She probably feels that it's a huge social statement not to include siblings in one's wedding, and she's probably afraid that people will think that not having them as BMs will mean that you don't like them. Some people are just all about other people's perceptions of them and their family, especially (from my experience, anyway) older generations.

Plus, you don't even know how your actual sisters feel about this. Maybe they couldn't care less about it and would be happier doing readings. Your mom has no right to say that you've hurt THEIR feelings about this if she doesn't know that for a fact. And even if your sisters have said this to your mom, it's still not your mother's place to tell you. Your sisters should've come to you in that case.

Personally, I would talk to your sisters and ask if they would like to do readings or if they would be hurt not to be bridesmaids. If they say that they'd rather do readings, then tell Mom the next time she complains, "I spoke to them already and they said they would rather do readings. I gave them the choice and they chose readings, so please don't bother me about this anymore." If she gets huffy again, just politely end the conversation and walk away.

But if they say that they WOULD be hurt not to be BMs, then at least think about including them. You're not obligated to include them, but IMO if it'd cause hurt feelings it's better to have them as BMs. You don't need to round up two more groomsmen, and if they'd feel uncomfortable in the younger BMs' dress then allow them to pick a more mature style from the same designer, fabric, color and length.

But if you decide not to include them, and your mom brings it up again, just say, "Mom, it's MY wedding and the decision is final. I love Sisters and will involve them in another way, but we're not close and I would rather just have close friends in the wedding." Then, again, walk away if she persists. And realize that if she is paying for some/all of your wedding, she may use it as a bargaining chip ("I'm not paying if you don't include your sisters"), so be prepared to have to turn down her money and pay for things yourself if you dont' want to abide by her wishes.

cdavis0620 · December 2009

Neither of my sister's have said a word about not being BMs, so at this point, it's just my Mother having a fit over it. I am paying for the entire wedding, and am honestly getting so tired of everyone telling me how I should do everything. Everyone has an opinion, but no one can throw down the cash to help pay for the party

I am planning on talking to my sister's today - letting them know how important they are to me, and letting them know that even though they aren't in the bridal party, I do want them to play an important role in my wedding. My Mother just has a hard time letting things go, so I feel like even when my sisters and I agree on what everyone's role is, Mom will still be upset. It's incredibly frustrating.

lalap69 · December 2009

I'm wondering why you're including your FI's sister and not your own sisters? Are you especially close with her? Because while I agree that your WP is yours to choose, that does make a pretty strong statement, and I can't imagine a sister NOT being hurt over that.

Instead of just telling your sisters that they're important to you even though they're not BMs, I think it might be better to frame the discussion the way that mbcdefg suggested. If it would hurt them to exclude them, do you really want to do that? They are your sisters, after all.

mbcdefg · December 2009

Personally, I wouldn't say anything like "Even though you're not in the bridal party" to your sisters. I think that could potentially send the wrong message. Or at the very least, you're calling attention to something they might not even have thought about. Know what I mean?

There's no need to explain to someone why she didn't make the cut as a BM. And honestly, it can come across as insulting to many people. "I COULD have picked you as a BM, but I didn't, and here's why." (I know you wouldn't say that verbatim, but I'm just pointing out that some people could take it that way.)

You could just say to each of them, "I really love you and want you to be a part of our wedding. Would you like to do a reading?" and then hopefully they'll say yes and be happy about it.

In the meantime, avoid talking to your mom (and the other busybodies) about wedding plans. If THEY bring it up, change the subject or just politely excuse yourself from the conversation and walk away.

cdavis0620 · December 2009

I am close with my future sister-in-law, and her husband is a groomsman, so it just worked out that way. I am thinking carefully about how to approach my sisters......I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but good Lord, this is my wedding. Not theirs. I wasn't in my one sister's wedding several years ago, and I didn't think twice about it. I don't understand why my Mother decided to blow up on me this morning about it.

Anon I. Mouse · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sisters-not-wedding-party-mom-furioushelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4e074670-dd66-4163-81e1-fd7da52e027cPost:c14b61dd-c116-46a9-ace1-dcff056fe635">Sisters not in wedding party - Mom furious...help!</a>:
[QUOTE]My two sisters are about 20 years older than I am. While we have a great relationship, we aren't super close. My wedding party consists of my 4 best friends and my future sister-in-law. This morning, my mother decided to yell at me until I cried about not including my sisters in my wedding party, and how I have hurt their feelings and her feelings, etc. I had planned on asking my sisters to participate by doing a reading / giving a speech before dinner, but haven't asked them yet. What do I do about this? How do I get my Mom to calm down and stop making me feel like a horrible person?
Posted by cdavis0620[/QUOTE]

I have noticed sometimes mom's get a little weird about weddings. FI and I are both in our thirties, paying for our own wedding, never had an issue with our mothers interfering in our lives as we have each been out on our own for many, many years...and then it was almost like they experienced a shift when we announced we were getting married.

We aren't having a wedding party so that has not been an issue, however we have had them fret about other things. Fortunately we live far enough away that it has not been that bad and we have just nipped it in the bud immediately. Which, is what you need to do (not move away, but nip it in the bud :)). It sounds like you have been a bit fearful of standing up to her to this point in the planning (and others). Not sure if she is paying or not, it can be a bit easier to say "um, no, that is not what we want" if you are paying for it on your own!

Well, now is the time to remind her it is your wedding and your choice as to who you want in your wedding party. You can't "make" her calm down, but you can stop taking responsibility for her feelings (while recognizing them). Something like:

"Mom, I recognize that you think it is important I include Sis 1 and Sis 2 in my wedding party. However, FI and I have our own intentions for our wedding party, and that is between us and those we ask to be in the party".

And then, if you can, maybe stop giving her too many details on the wedding. FI and I found this cut down a LOT on anyone trying to pressure ANYTHING - we just did not give out much details.

Then ask your sisters if they would like to do a reading, etcetera.

aerinpegadrak · December 2009

I'd say about 80% of the time, when a parent (almost always the mother) gets upset about their child being involved in the wedding, the child doesn't remotely care.

I'd, very carefully, find out how your sisters really feel. We were going to make my brother an usher, but he told me he wanted to be a groomsman, so FI agreed. (We might move him to my side, though.) Tread carefully, but ultimately it's your decision.

If they really don't care, hopefully they can tell your mom to shut up about it and stop causing drama.

banana468 · December 2009

Depending on the relationship, you can always ask them now to be BMs or you can ask them to do readings.

My guess though is that Mom is upset and projecting her anger onto her older daughters. I'd definitely talk to them to see what they want to do. It may be for the best to let them know that you'd love them to be BMs.

nuremenosh · December 2009

I think you should ask them. If they decline, ask them to read instead. They might decline because if they're 20 years older I am guessing/hoping they are at least 40 and may not want to be bridesmaids cause a dress for a gal in her mid twenties differs drastically than one in her 40s. I am 12 years older than my youngest sister and will likely decline when years down the road she gets married but I'd be hurt if she didn't ask.

jeannigirl · December 2009

Some very great adivice has been given here. Yes it is yours and FI wedding so you will need to take the bulls by the horns and be the adult women that you are and capable of telling mommie that you have selected who you have and this is not up for discussion.

Mommie needs to stop being childish and be the adult and realize that this behavior will not produce anything. Its mantipulative. Good for you in standing thisd ground because its not only about the wedding it will be other things. Nip it in the bud now and it will save you.

jeannigirl · December 2009

Also throwing something else here. I am a mom and will one day soon within the next couple of years will be the MOB. I would not even think about acting this way to my daughter. Even if I were to put in any amount of $$ which my FI and I plan on helping would I even attach strings to that. I do give her advice on things that will help her when the time comes to planning her wedding.

I tell her its her wedding and she can have whoever she wants in her BP and etc etc.

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

Sisters are a strange animal when it comes to WPs. In many families, it is a public slight to exclude your sisters, especially if your FSIL is included. In others, it's NBD. Your mom might be freaking out b/c she's in the former category. She may also be thinking that you are asking your FSIL and her husband, but not even your own sisters means that you are shunning your side of the family.

If I were in your position, I would probably just ask the sisters to avoid family drama. Or, you could just directly ask them how they feel about the situation.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2009

I think it's kind of weird to have FI's siblings in the WP and not yours. That's why FI and I aren't having ANY siblings in the WP. But it's your decision. I also agree that as women in their 40s, your sisters might not want to dress up as BMs.

It's your wedding, and doing readings is definitely an appropriate role for your sisters.

megk8oz · December 2009

I've said this before and I'll say it again: as far as how your sisters feel (Which, their feelings are the ones that are importatn here): this is and A/B conversation, and your mom needs to "C" her way out.

Talk to your SISTERS, not your mother, about this. Carefully find out what they would like to do (They might be fine with reading, they might want to be BMs, they might just want to be guests), and then see what you can do to make that happen. If they both would like to be BMs, I really don't see the big deal in having them since it keeps the family happy and BMs don't really need to do anything aside from get the dress and show up wearing it. But since siblings are a tricky thing in these situations (Yes, you should pick your own WP, but at the same time, with siblings, no matter what your feelings, it's usually easier to just let them do what they want as far as participation goes), I would definitely be 100% sure how they felt on the matter before talking to your mom about it again.

Once you have your sisters squared away (Be sure to let them know AFTER the fact about your mom's interference), if the outcome is not what your mom wants, you can all present a united front on the matter, explaining "This is what it is, this is what makes everybody happy, so you need to be content with that".

Best of Luck!

cdavis0620 · December 2009

Thank you so much everyone - great advice! My sister's are in their early 50s, so they are a bit older than the rest of the WP

I also have a number of beautiful Neices and Nephews who I have not asked to be in the wedding, merely because I can't see myself picking one over the other, so I am asking them to play other roles that day. I'm Mom's baby girl - Dad died several years ago and I have been living with her, helping with bills, etc. I try to remind myself that she's probably feeling a lot of emotions right now and probably doesn't mean to be angry towards me. I will talk to my sisters and find a way to make peace

jeannigirl · December 2009

Baby girl leaving the nest. It must be hard on mom, just talk with her and let her know how much you love her and tht will never change and you know that she wants the best for you I am sure.

My daughter and I are very close and it was hard when she told me that she was going to move in with her boyfriend. I think that she is just fighting to hold on to you, silly has it may seem but I know the feelings that she is going through and the adjustments she will be facing. So your a good daughter it sounds like so just let her know that you will be there has her daughter even has you are moving on in a new phase of your life. Keep her involved has much has you can.

KJDOHERTY · December 2009

Like others have said, you know your family and social circle, but in my area and social circle, that would be a very public slight to include a FSIL and not your sisters. I'd err on the side of caution and talk to my sisters about it and make sure I wasn't hurting feelings by not asking them. I've learned when planning my wedding it was never a good thing for me to assume anything about what people wanted to didn't want to do!

dianenjnj · December 2009

well, i think since your sisters are in their early fifties they probably don't give a rat's behind about being bridesmaids...they're a little long in the tooth for that stuff.

as someone mentioned, mom is going through alot of emotions right now, be kind and do speak to your sisters...they might be able to better explain to your mom about this...frankly, i don't know any fiftysomethings that would crave being in a wedding party!

LarissaAnn · December 2009

I love the perceptions you in your 20s all have about women in their 40s. I'm staring 40 in the face, and I have to tell you you've got it wrong most of the time when you try to get in the heads of us "older women."

The women I asked to be BMs ranged in age from 19 to 41. Just FYI.

That said, I think OP asking her sisters to be readers, etc, as originally planned is a great way of including them.

momofayden · December 2009

I am not especially close with my sisters either but i included them in the wedding party. If you included your SIL you probably should include your real sisters as well.

jeannigirl · December 2009

I agree Larissa like they know just because someone is older that they wouldn't want to be in someones BP ,that is totally presumptious. I love that you called that out for us "Older Women"

LarissaAnn · December 2009

Yeah, I'm hoping to be a BM in some more friends' weddings when I'm in my 40s. And I'd wear the same dresses I'd wear at 25. I also have long hair and dress up for Halloween, and throw parties, and go out drinking.

No fossil here!

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sisters-not-wedding-party-mom-furioushelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4e074670-dd66-4163-81e1-fd7da52e027cPost:7d0da27b-b394-4758-ad96-7b35a4e76c9f">Re: Sisters not in wedding party - Mom furious...help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I love the perceptions you in your 20s all have about women in their 40s. I'm staring 40 in the face, and I have to tell you you've got it wrong most of the time when you try to get in the heads of us "older women."
Posted by LarissaAnn[/QUOTE]

This! I know so many women in their 40-50's that would be thrilled to be asked to be a BM for a sister or close friend. Sure, some of them may prefer an age appropriate dress, but my 52 y/o mother's MOB dress was younger than most BM dresses. Assuming they wouldn't want to just because of their age is absurd.

jeannigirl · December 2009

I don't feel like a fossil not in the least bit either Larissa. But we know better don't we gals?

LarissaAnn · December 2009

LOL, maybe we need an "old chicks who feel young" board?

emilykathleen511 · December 2009

Larissa: I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Barenaked Ladies! They are my favorite band in fact.

LarissaAnn · December 2009

Have you ever seen them in concert? They're incredibly funny and CLEVER. They do improv!

emilykathleen511 · December 2009

Oh yeah! Most definitely...they are best on stage...I saw them on their Stunt tour, Maroon tour, Barenaked for the Holidays tour, and two other times (if you are a hockey fan, I was at the ice castle in St. Paul when they performed a couple of songs between periods during the big hockey game in I think 2004)...they are amazing! They haven't been back to the Twin Cities in years though

aerinpegadrak · December 2009

Last I heard BNL broke up... It made me really sad, because I would really like to see them live. They're definitely one of my favorite bands.

Sisters not in wedding party - Mom furious...help!

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