What would you do? I need help.

violakat03 · February 2012

Alright, so here's the back story. I'm trying to decide if I should change my name before the wedding.

I'm divorced and for some reason even though I requested it, the name change order was not included in the final divorce decree. I'm betting anything this was an oversight on the part of my ex, since he was the one that filed and all I had to do was sign - this was all done by mail as we lived 500 miles apart. I have been going by my maiden name socially since a few months after we separated. It's really starting to get to me now that I still have his name. We had no kids, no joint property, nothing, so his name is like that last clinging piece that I can't get rid of from our failed marraige. I really do not want to sign the marriage license for my new marriage, which is a document we will keep for the rest of our lives, with my ex-husband's last name!!

I really want to go back to my maiden name legally, but from everything I'm seeing, because it was not included in my divorce decree, I will have to go through the standard name change legal procedure - which costs $138. Considering this would only be good for 7 months at best (it takes at least 30 days to change), should I even bother?

I'm thinking about taking my divorce papers down to the Social Security office and just not pointing out the missing name change order and see if they'll just change it. Then, I'll just start trying to domino off of that to get other IDs changed. I haven't even been able to get a correct driver's license because the state of Ohio won't accept that I changed to my married name in the first place! (LONG story) So I still have a license from a state I moved away from almost 5 years ago. It's just all really frustrating.

I really think this all goes back to my current name identity crisis. Not only do I go by a different last name than my legal one, I also go by my middle name rather than my first. So I have four variants of my name that are used by different people - and all four are used. Because of this, I'm intending to hyphenate my maiden name with FI's last name after we marry - I want a name that's mine, since I haven't had it for so long.

What would you guys do in my situation?

trawas01 · February 2012

I had a friend in a similar situation. Long story short she had to go through the legal change if she wanted it gone, even though it was suppose to be carried out with the divorce.

She did it, similar to you, about 6 months before getting remarried. It ended up being worth it to her and her fiance.

You need to do what makes you happy though. And your Fi.

ivedonethisb4 · February 2012

I agree with PP do it if it will make you and your FI happy...if it were me I would feel the same as you and not want another mans name attatched forever to my new marriage.

violakat03 · February 2012

You know, it makes me feel a lot better to know I'm not just crazy for feeling that way and that other people have done it. To me, it's worth the money to get rid of the name. I want it off my paychecks, off my username at work, off my school records, etc. I really wish I'd done it sooner now, but hindsight is 20/20.

lv2011 · February 2012

I completely understand where you're coming from. It's absolutely worth it spend the money and change your name to what you want it to be. After a very bitter divorce, if I'd had to have his last name in any way attached to me, I'd have been sick to my stomach every time I heard it or saw it. I knew that it was something I wanted done immediately after. Even though you'll have officially had your name back for a few months, to me it is worth it.

That said, remember that it is just a name. You own the name, the name does not own you. the negativity associated with it is all psychological.

minionlover · February 2012

I would try the SS office first to see what they say. If that doesn't work, they you need to think about if you want to spend the money to get it done. I know here in NY its about $500 since FI changed his name several years ago. Also you want to make sure that it will get done by the time you get married otherwise it seems like it would be a waste of money and will possibly create more problems with your identity.

If it make you feel any better, I still haven't changed my name at SS after my divorce. I have changed it everywhere else but there and I will be divorced a year on Valentine's Day!! What an awesome present that was!!

achiduck · February 2012

Think about how much time and energy you'd have to spend running around to all those places trying to get them to budge.

If it really bothers you that much I'd just pay the $138 and change it legally.

shoebie · February 2012

I would pay and do it , like you said your marriage cert. you keep and it will remind you forever of that failed marriage.....

Creyo · February 2012

HI! I actually worked in the marriage license departmet in Ohio for a year, so I've heard this actually before. I know the BMV and agencies like the require a marriage abstract here to change it TO your married name, so maybe the divorce decree might work for you to get your name changed on your license. I didn't work in divorce, so I'm not sure what they would need to change it back.
About hyphenating your name, if you're going to have it legally changed to your maiden name and then hyphanate you might want to keep in mind that to hyphenate your name in Ohio you need a legal name change. Taking his name is given by getting married, but the hyphen is legal name change. It's kind of dumb since it's just the hyphen that costs.

Anyways, hope that helps a little bit?

violakat03 · February 2012

So far these have all been really great and helpful.

I think the Ohio BMV will be my biggest fight. As I said, I still don't have an Ohio license because they won't accept that I changed my name while living in another state (I grew up in Ohio, but lived in TN for 5 years and moved back) even though my TN license, SS card, etc have my married name on it. They tend to do everything they can to be a big pain. If I can't succeed with just trying to pass off the divorce decree without the name change order (the decree is from TN), then I'll start the process to change it. I'll go down to SS tomorrow and see what happens and if I can't get it done smoothly and quickly I'll just go ahead and post the required newspaper ad and get the ball rolling.

I've talked to FI about the hyphen (it kind of hurt his feelings that I didn't want to take his name until he heard the explanation), and also with someone else that hyphenated their last name after marriage and I think I'm going to the same route my friend did. Socially, she hyphenated it, and when she signed things she hyphenated, but legally she just took her husband's name. She runs an at-home business so she didn't want to promptly change her name/business identity with marriage. She went by the hyphenated name for about 5 years and then just started dropping her maiden name off on various things, then finally just started going only by her husband's last name. I will probably do the same.

What would you do? I need help.

Re: What would you do? I need help.

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