Intro and Age Question

Kelli7025 · March 2012

Hi all !

My name is Kelli and I am currently planning my September 2013 wedding. My FI and I have been together for a little over 4 years, and engaged for a little over a year. I work as a full time nanny while working to complete my Marketing degree. I will be graduating in May of 2013, a few months before our wedding. My fiance is a United States Marine, and works as a firefighter.

I have been lurking a bit over the past few days, and I have noticed that there are a lot of 'younger' brides looking for validation regarding getting married so young. I am just curious what everyone thinks is an appropriate age to get married. I know each situation is different, but if you ignore financial situations, school, or any other factor, what do you consider as an appropriate age ?

ETA: I will be 23 and FI will be 24 when we get married.

Annas2013 · March 2012

Honestly I think it depends on the couple, their relationship, and their maturity level. There are younger brides who are just as mature as older brides. But then again there are really immature ones that get married for the wrong reason. I'm 19, but I'll be 21 when I get married. I know that's young. We're having a long engagement for a reason, and we'll both be done with undergrad when we get married. I don't need validation for what I'm doing. It's our choice and our families are supportive. What more do I need?

You can't make a blanket statement by saying this number right here (whatever it may be) is the right age to get married. Every single relationship and situation is different. Every single person is different and has a different opinion on the topic. I understand why a lot of people wait to get married, but I also understand why some people don't.

calliopeia2013 · March 2012

I don't think there's an age limit so much as a maturity and life experience limit. I mostly just think there are certain things that you absolutely must do before getting married to be "old enough." These include being financially independent (of both your parents and your spouse-to-be), having completed an undergraduate education if you intend to do so, having held down a steady job, and having lived on your own at some point (i.e. you kow how to keep the phone bills paid, the power turned on, and the dishes done).

There are some very mature 18-year-olds who have done all those things, and some very immature 30 year olds who haven't done any of them.

I absolutely don't think anyone should get married (or, really, even engaged) before they're a legal adult, though.

indigopsyche · March 2012

I also agree that it's more of a question of maturity rather than a numerical age. However if I had to put a number on it, I'd put down 20 as the earliest age to get married - but again, it does depend on maturity. I will admit I do look askance at people still in the teens getting married (including eighteen and nineteen), but that is simply based on my experience with people in that age range. I know there are mature 18 and 19 year olds (I know I was at that age, and that there are some on this board), but they seem to be in the minority of that age group. Many of the people I see getting married before 20 have never lived on their own - and some make no plans to live on their own after marriage, instead choosing to continue living with a set of parents. If you've lived on your own, have been financially independent, and generally have experienced real life beyond your parent's house, that's when I wouldn't have a problem with it. As for completing a degree, I don't think that's necessary, but I do think it's a good idea to have at least two years of it under your belt so that you've had time to adjust to college before adjusting to marriage.

I will echo I have a problem with people getting engaged or married before reaching legal adulthood - mainly because at 16 or 17 you don't know enough about life to be pledging your life to someone else. At that age you haven't had enough time to actually have a life.

And in my situation I'll probably be 24, he'll be 28, when we get married.

Bay21 · March 2012

Yeah I have to agree with PP's that you really can't put aside the situation: I know a friend who will be turning 20 only a few days before her wedding and was engaged shortly after she was 19; that being said her fi (of the same age) already has a salaried job, and she's still in school to be a teacher; both are super mature for their age.

Like the others though, if I had to put a number on it, I think 20 is about the right age. I don't think most teenagers are ready for marriage, as they haven't really matured enough in my opinion. But, as I and others have said, it really is situational.

I think the reason the "younger" brides sometimes seek validation around here is because they may not get it at home, or from people other than their parents. It's rough to be judged by people everytime you say you're engaged at 19/20; I get plenty of looks and comments from some professors although they never say anything directly to me, because it's not the custom for people in around here (nor at my university for that matter) to be engaged "so young." Heck, my fiance and I didn't tell our families for a year because we knew our families (mine mostly) are traditional and probably would have sneered a little at our "young" ages. But to me, when you know, you just know, and it wasn't like we were saying we'd get married right then; we knew we needed to wait and so we have been/will for about 3 or so years.

For the record, in our case, we were 19 at engagement, and we'll be 22 and two months shy of graduating undergrad.

DelBride2012 · March 2012

The divorce rate falls off dramatically for people who wait until 25. The problem with saying that "it depends on the couple" is that immature people rarely realize they're immature.

indigopsyche · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_intro-and-age-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:26bc112d-2490-43ca-b416-4c9f9cfd301aPost:514e2e31-d84f-420a-93c1-bdabf44fd9fd">Re: Intro and Age Question</a>:
[QUOTE]The divorce rate falls off dramatically for people who wait until 25. The problem with saying that "it depends on the couple" is that<strong> immature people rarely realize they're immature. </strong>
Posted by DelBride2012[/QUOTE]

So true! I wish there was a way to "like" your post..

drummerbonbon · March 2012

I will be 22 and he will be 26, but no one has any problem with us being engaged, which happened when I was 20 and he was 24. I've talked about it with my parents, his parents, and all of our friends, and everyone agrees that we are ready. If they had any problem with it, I think they would tell us. Plus we know it is what we want.

I would tend to agree that 20 is about the youngest age someone should get married, but that is also too young for a lot of people. It just depends.

ChristineNB · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_intro-and-age-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:26bc112d-2490-43ca-b416-4c9f9cfd301aPost:ba5783e1-1715-4862-88a0-0d4c3ad31fb7">Intro and Age Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all ! My name is Kelli and I am currently planning my September 2013 wedding. My FI and I have been together for a little over 4 years, and engaged for a little over a year. I work as a full time nanny while working to complete my Marketing degree. I will be graduating in May of 2013, a few months before our wedding. My fiance is a United States Marine, and works as a firefighter. I have been lurking a bit over the past few days, and I have noticed that there are a lot of 'younger' brides looking for validation regarding getting married so young. I am just curious what everyone thinks is an appropriate age to get married. I know each situation is different, but if you ignore financial situations, school, or any other factor, what do you consider as an appropriate age ? ETA: I will be 23 and FI will be 24 when we get married.
Posted by Kelli7025[/QUOTE]
I personally don't think you or your fiance will be that "young" on your wedding day. As others have said it's not as much about age as it is maturity, and my guess if you are in school and working, you've already developed a certain level of maturity. The one thing I do see very young couples do that I don't think is a good idea is when young couples move straight from livign with their parents to living with their future spouse, without ever living on their own.

Beads921 · March 2012

I don't seem to have a quote button right now (TK is glitching...again...), but Christine - I don't think going from living with your parents to with your partner is the worst thing in the world. It's not always an ideal situation, but it depends on how you handle it as well. Many couples can make it work. I lived alone after moving out of my parents place. FI never did. We've been living together for about 2 years now, and honestly, we're perfectly fine like this. We could both support ourselves alone if we had to, but we prefer to live under one roof. We are not dependent on one another, and that makes a difference.

OP - I do not think 23 and 24 is that young to be married. I tend to side-eye those 20 and under, but after that, I don't really care one way or another unless the couple in question is immature. FI and I will both be 23 and together nearly 6 years at our wedding. If people are questioning you (general you) on age, I wonder if it's more of a question of maturity? No one has questioned us about it. I find younger girls come here looking for validation when they're not getting as much of it at home as they'd like. I think sometimes deep down even they know they're too young, but they're hoping if some random internet strangers tell them they're not, that it will all be OK (or something like that).

ChristineNB · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_intro-and-age-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:26bc112d-2490-43ca-b416-4c9f9cfd301aPost:9e7c4e26-0167-4e0e-8af0-3fe4986f26f3">Re: Intro and Age Question</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't seem to have a quote button right now (TK is glitching...again...), but Christine - I don't think going from living with your parents to with your partner is the worst thing in the world. It's not always an ideal situation, but it depends on how you handle it as well. Many couples can make it work. I lived alone after moving out of my parents place. FI never did. We've been living together for about 2 years now, and honestly, we're perfectly fine like this. We could both support ourselves alone if we had to, but we prefer to live under one roof. We are not dependent on one another, and that makes a difference.
Posted by Beads921[/QUOTE]
I'm not saying that it doesn't work for some people. My opinion is biased because my father-in-law moved right from living with his mother and having his mother do his laundry, cooking, etc. to getting married and having his wife do his laundry, cooking, etc. My father-in-law has no clue how to be self-sufficient or how to take care of himself.

DramaGeek · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_intro-and-age-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:26bc112d-2490-43ca-b416-4c9f9cfd301aPost:f3c4772b-bec5-49c0-99ca-1d4d05d377d7">Re: Intro and Age Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intro and Age Question : I'm not saying that it doesn't work for some people. My opinion is biased because my father-in-law moved right from living with his mother and having his mother do his laundry, cooking, etc. to getting married and having his wife do his laundry, cooking, etc. My father-in-law has no clue how to be self-sufficient or how to take care of himself.
Posted by ChristineNB[/QUOTE]

<div>My husband did this...but he can definitely be self sufficient. I'll never forget when we'd been married about 6 months. He was working nights, I was in grad school, and as I was getting ready for school at 6 am he woke up long enough to tell me that he didn't have any clean underwear. I said, "you know where the laundry room is" and left for school.</div><div>
</div><div>We definitely had some challenges early in our marriage, but I put that down to being raised very differently. H came from a blue collar family with very traditional family roles whereas I came from a white collar family where mom was the breadwinner and dad did a lot of the household chores. While H knew intellectually that i wasn't there to be his mom, it took a while for us to work out the kinks. Now he cooks for us on occasion, does his own laundry, and does a lot of the housecleaning.</div><div>
</div><div>For us, 21 and 22 was just fine, but I know it's not for everyone. Then again, we know couples who got married at 27 and were only married 6 months, and we know couples who got married at 18 and are still married. It really depends on the couple.</div>

julib33 · March 2012

I don't think there is a "right" age. I think it goes to what PPs have said about maturity level and where you are at in your life. My FI and started dating when I was 19 and he was 24 and we started living together within the first two weeks of our relationship. When we get married I'll be 24 and he will be 29. We have had an unconventional relationship but I wouldn't change a thing. Even though we've lived together our entire relationship, we both still have lives outside the relationship and are independent.
I'm not sure how I got so lucky finding my life partner so young, but I most certainly won't complain

dragontrainer · March 2012

I will be 26 and My FI will be 25 (although he will be 26 a few months after).

However, my mother was 20 when she married my father and he was 23. This June they will be celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. So I think just because you're young doesn't mean immaturity.

JaniV123 · March 2012

I will be 23 and he will be 24 i wouldve liked to get married a year before for study reasons but he is more comfortable with it being after he finishes his masters

FaithCaitlin · March 2012

Ditto the ladies who say it's more of a maturity issue than anything! I also think it depends on how long you've been together-- honestly, it may "feel like he's the one" after 1 month but that doesn't mean you should marry him this year! (not directed at anyone on this board, just in general!).

FI is (almost) 23 and I'm 21. I will be graduating 2 weeks before our wedding and FI has a well paying job at a financial firm. We have been together 6 years and are financially stable.

Honestly, get married when it's the right time for you. I'd certainly wait to be financially stable-- honestly, once you've got that covered, I think age doesn't matter (for the most part-- there are plenty of exceptions!)

nikkib043012 · March 2012

Hello!My name is Nicole and I am 20 and my FI is 22. We are actually getting married next month on the 28th _. I must admit previously before he proposed I thought under 24 was to early for me but then u realize age doesnt matter its love and well being. We both have good paying jobs and he is about to graduate in nursing. I dont graduate with my masters in occupational therapy until 2015 but we are stable and paying for our own wedding. I agree there are alot of immature ppl in all age groups. However me and my coworker had a spat because she said she would rather marry at 45 for comfort after 3 months of dating than to be be tied down at 20 after 4 years because its puppy luv??? I was like wtf

neyav · April 2012

Hi! My name is Rodneya. My fiance and I are both 21. We have been together for 4 years! We are both graduating from undergrad in May and our wedding is in June! My fh is also in the Army. I agree that it's more about maturity than age. Our parents are completely supportive of us and our choice to marry. I'm sure that if they thought we weren't ready they would tell us and encourage us to wait a little longer. At this point we are both independent from our parents.

CaitlinLoiko · April 2012

I agree that there is no number that will work for everyone, and it ia about maturity, but I also believe that there are many financial benefits (just perhaps not right away!) to marrying young. For a more in-depth discussion look here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/04/24/AR2009042402122.html

Also, for my fiance and me it was partially a conscience issue. Niether of us wanted to have physical relations before we were married. Then my FI wanted to wait another 2 years after we graduated to even propose, so he could be sure he could financially support us if need be. Very commendable, but it would mean by the end we'd have had six. years. of celibate dating. I love saving myself for marriage but waiting until you're 26 or so is legitimately difficult

So we'll be poor together for a while but our honeymoon phase will get us through the stress!

(fyi, we will be 22 and he got a job before his last semester. We've been dating 3 and a half years and talkled a lot about marriage.)

CaitlinLoiko · April 2012

And we never considered living with a set of parents either, but if the newlyweds have jobs, I honestly don't think there is anything intrisically wrong with living with extended family... for a while, at least! In many cultures having several generations of the family in one house is normal. Why not help out the newlyweds?

I think the thing about divorce rates before age 25 also has a lot to do with how popular culture has come to look at marriage, it's not just about age.... but I won't open that can of worms

Ashelton09 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_intro-and-age-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:26bc112d-2490-43ca-b416-4c9f9cfd301aPost:cc60f4be-f671-4354-8bad-ff6cef220c1e">Re: Intro and Age Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly I think it depends on the couple, their relationship, and their maturity level. There are younger brides who are just as mature as older brides. But then again there are really immature ones that get married for the wrong reason. I'm 19, but I'll be 21 when I get married. I know that's young. We're having a long engagement for a reason, and we'll both be done with undergrad when we get married. I don't need validation for what I'm doing. It's our choice and our families are supportive. What more do I need? You can't make a blanket statement by saying this number right here (whatever it may be) is the right age to get married. Every single relationship and situation is different. Every single person is different and has a different opinion on the topic. I understand why a lot of people wait to get married, but I also understand why some people don't.
Posted by Annas2013[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I totally agree with you. My FI and I are both 20 right now and juniors in college, he'll be 22 and I'll be 21 when we get married. We're both very mature for our age and he'll be done with school by the time we get married and I'll be in my student teaching. Both of our parents are also supportive, so what else is there if you ignore the financial situations. All couples are different, mine just happened to work out this way.

</div>

Vintagelove4 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_intro-and-age-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:26bc112d-2490-43ca-b416-4c9f9cfd301aPost:1c586471-cf43-42ac-a02f-f0c0f3b01845">Re: Intro and Age Question</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think there's an age limit so much as a maturity and life experience limit. I mostly just think there are certain things that you absolutely must do before getting married to be "old enough."<strong> These include being financially independent (of both your parents and your spouse-to-be), </strong>having completed an undergraduate education<strong> if you intend to do so, having held down a steady job, and having lived on your own at some point (i.e. you kow how to keep the phone bills paid, the power turned on, and the dishes done).</strong> There are some very mature 18-year-olds who have done all those things, and some very immature 30 year olds who haven't done any of them. I absolutely don't think anyone should get married (or, really, even engaged) before they're a legal adult, though.
Posted by calliopeia2013[/QUOTE]

I'm not engaged, but I'm the MOH in two of my friend's weddings this year. Maturity is the key to the age factor in my opinion.

AntoniaSousa · May 2012

I don't think you should get married until you have your life put together, and you can legally drink a wedding toast at your own reception.

jenny&will2014 · May 2012

I would say 30 bc you change alot at 21 and even more at 25 and even though you change at 30 it is not as much IMO but it truly does depend on maturity etc

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