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Christian Weddings
FI is moving in and I feel physically sick....
Don't get me wrong, I'm super excited that I'm going to get to see him every day now. Before our relationship has been very long distance and I see him twice a week on a good week. Recently, it's been about twice a month (for a few hours each time).
Since we're going to live here after the wedding, FI wanted to get a job here. But I can barely afford my rent -- much less 2 rents! I also haven't been able to find anything that he didn't have to sign a 12 month lease for. Since it's only for 5 weeks,
I figured it would be okay for us to live together and him sleep on the couch every night. I strongly dislike it when people live together before marriage -- especially if they have no plans to get married any time soon. So far, we are both still virgins. A few times, things have gotten a little out of hand, but we've never went anywhere close to "all the way." If we see each other every day, the temptations will be much greater than when we only saw each other twice a month. However, maybe before, because we only saw each other a few times a month, when we were together, we did things that we wouldn't do if we saw each other every day. You know what I mean -- it's exciting to see FI for the first time in 3 weeks!! After seeing him every day for 3 weeks, will I still feel excited to see him?
We've prayed about his housing situation for several months. We'll still be praying about it and hope that something else becomes available even after he moves in (he can always just take a few pair of clothes and spend the night elsewhere)
He'll be here with his stuff Saturday afternoon. I know this is not what God wants, but I don't know what it is that he does want. Maybe I'm just creating more problems for myself. Making myself sick wondering what people will think of us knowing what we're doing is wrong, and yet still doing it.
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Re: FI is moving in and I feel physically sick....
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If you're feeling physically sick, then your conscience is telling you that something isn't right. You can try to rationalize it all you want, but if you're truly uncomfortable with the idea, then it won't get any better. Only you know for sure how you feel about this.
Ask yourself what exactly is bugging you about it. Is it the "disapproval" of others? Or your own fears of going too far? Your feelings that this is not what God wants? That may help you decide what action to take.
And if he doesn't stay with you, does he have any friends that he could bunk with for a little while?
FWIW, during our LDR, DH and I occasionally stayed with each other when we visited on weekends. He couldn't always stay at his uncle's and it wasn't always practical for us to bunk with his parents when I was up here. We just didn't share that fact with people who didn't need to know, and we were careful to remain pure. But I never was physically sick about our decision.
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2010: 41 books, 2011: 31 books, 2012: 100 books
You don't have $500. He doesn't have $500. Let alone whatever the deposit might be. Can he sell his car? Will you need 2 after you'r married? Really? Is there $500 yu can cut from the wedding budget? No favors, maybe? As it's a matter of your conscience v. a very small debt, I'd even borrow the cash.
Also, do you have a church? Any place you've attended more than once? Explain to the pastor. The church should be interested in saving your virtue and your conscience. Maybe the members can pass him around for five weeks - a different home each week. Maybe someone's got a spare room he can have for less than the craigslist rates, or in exchange for doing yard work, whatever.
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[QUOTE]<strong>My fiance and I ended up having to do the same thing. While it's not ideal it can be done, and we actually find it less tempting living together than when we lived apart. </strong>At first I did not feel good about it at all, but I've come to terms with it and because we aren't sexually active at all I don't think it's that bad.<strong> I will say though that I don't tell people that FI and I are living together. Our families know (they actually caused us to have to live together) and our closes frieds know, but that's it. I don't see why anyone else needs to know.</strong> If people knew then they would assume we were having sex, but we're not and I don't want to give people the wrong impression, so we just doin't tell anyone
Posted by BronwynH[/QUOTE]
THIS! We are right there in the same boat.
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[QUOTE]First, I know it sounds weird moving here before he has a job, but do you know how hard it is to apply for jobs from 6 hours away?? FI wants to have a job before the wedding. That was something he really wanted to do -- to prove to my parents he's serious about supporting me. He's not had a job... ever... and he's 25. He's lived with his parents most of the time. When he did move away, he got loans to pay his rent and stuff. Now he has a lot of debt. His parents do own a dairy farm that he helps with, but my parents don't consider it a "real job." He's trying to impress them so they'll know that I'm making a good decesion in marrying this "bum" as they call him.
Posted by kalizoomba[/QUOTE]
Your parents have a problem with you marrying him and you're how far from the wedding? It sounds like you have bigger problems than him living with you...
2010: 41 books, 2011: 31 books, 2012: 100 books
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI is moving in and I feel physically sick.... : Your parents have a problem with you marrying him and you're how far from the wedding? It sounds like you have bigger problems than him living with you...
Posted by mrandmrsbrist[/QUOTE]
I agree with this!
I don't agree with living together before marriage at all, but it seems like the reasons for "having" to live together are crazy. Obviously, God doesn't want this for you and you know it or else you wouldn't have such negative feelings about , if you go against what is right you'll have more problems. But like she said sounds like you have bigger problems then just that.
Sorry it's so stressful
I will be praying for you
[QUOTE]May I ask why your parents don't approve of him? You mentioned the dairy farm issue, but that doesn't seem like a reason to not like him.
Posted by ochemjenn[/QUOTE]
<div>They don't hate him, they just wish I could find someone "better". As I said he's 25 and never had a job other than working on his parents farm. He has Aspergers, so that makes him socially akward. They think that he'll never be able to get a job, and won't be able to support me (or pull his weight in the marriage). </div><div>
</div><div>He cares for me and would do anything for me. He loves me, and he's a christian, but they can't see past his diagnoses. They have come to accept him, but they still don't like it. </div>
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FI and I have our separate bedrooms. Even our pastor says that it's fine and there is precedent in the Bible for the situation during an engagement (Rachel, Jacob, Leah all in Laban's home together. Yeah, Laban was the Father of Leah and Rachel, but they were all still in the same house!), especially because everyone we know is aware that we aren't sharing a bedroom.
[QUOTE]Does that bother you? Is it just the job thing, or is there more you're dealing wtih? I'm sorry, it's a difficult position to be in.
Posted by RebeccaJac[/QUOTE]
<div><span style="color:#000000;font-family:'Times New Roman';line-height:normal;font-size:medium;" class="Apple-style-span"><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;">no, It doesn't bother me that he's never had what my parents consider a "real job" He works harder on the farm than I ever have at my "real job." he never has a day off, and he works from sun up to sun down (and sometimes well into the night). I am a bit concerned that he'll have difficulting finding a good job, but he's willing to work at McDonalds or something at first. It's easy to get those kinds of jobs. </div></span></div></div></span></div><div>
</div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_fi-moving-feel-physically-sick?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e41312de-be38-4b46-8b75-98fe27213c57Post:384764f4-4ea3-4021-965c-405a4e47aa32">Re: FI is moving in and I feel physically sick....</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't agree with you on this ladies.....period. I think that you all know that. FI and I have our separate bedrooms. Even our pastor says that it's fine and there is precedent in the Bible for the situation during an engagement (Rachel, Jacob, Leah all in Laban's home together. Yeah, Laban was the Father of Leah and Rachel, but they were all still in the same house!), especially because everyone we know is aware that we aren't sharing a bedroom.
Posted by letyourselfgo[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Society today thinks "living together" means "sleeping together" even if it really only means "living together" but I think the situation with Jacob was a bit diferent because the girl's dad also lived there and he could control whether they did anything or not. I'm sure he was tempted to sneak into rachel's room after everyone went to bed, but God helped them through the 14 years or temptation. I just have 5-6 weeks.
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Shelling out a bunch of extra money rather than sleeping in separate rooms to save for a future is not a bad thing. If there are other issues that are making the OP queasy, like being so close to the wedding, FI's diagnosis(OP, I remember you posting about this about a month ago that it worried you, I will say a little prayer for you again about it), or anything else, then yes, those should be considered. But don't judge people based on the situations that they are in when there aren't really other solutions.
[QUOTE]You know what I mean -- it's exciting to see FI for the first time in 3 weeks!! After seeing him every day for 3 weeks, will I still feel excited to see him? We've prayed about his housing situation for several months. We'll still be praying about it and hope that something else becomes available even after he moves in (he can always just take a few pair of clothes and spend the night elsewhere) He'll be here with his stuff Saturday afternoon. <strong>I know this is not what God wants</strong>, but I don't know what it is that he does want. Maybe I'm just creating more problems for myself. Making myself sick wondering what people will think of us knowing what we're doing is wrong, and yet still doing it.
Posted by kalizoomba[/QUOTE]
<div>This is what makes it a big deal for me. </div>
[QUOTE]In Response to FI is moving in and I feel physically sick.... : This is what makes it a big deal for me.
Posted by RebeccaJac[/QUOTE]
Ditto.
That, plus the fact that <strong>he doesn't need to move there. </strong>He very well could wait 5 weeks and then move after you're married.
That and that, plus that fact that your parents are not okay with the marriage. Coming to accept him and thinking you're marrying a loser are two different things. I'm sorry you're in this situation, really, I am. But please take some time to examine where you're at, what you're getting ready to do, and what God says about it.
2010: 41 books, 2011: 31 books, 2012: 100 books
[QUOTE]Look into Air BNB- its a site where people list their houses, apartments, spare rooms etc. on for people to stay in on a daily or weekly basis, sometimes even monthly. Some of them are really cheap. Most people use it for vacation rentals, but you could use it where you're living too.
Posted by justtoday[/QUOTE]
<div>Thanks, I'll look into that!</div>
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My H and I were in almost exactly the same position. I was moving for my job and he wasn't getting a single response from job applications. It really DOES make a difference where you live for that, since many employers think "I'd have to relocate them" and won't even line up an interview.
I also had 1 friend in the whole city (my coworker), and I stayed with her for 2 months. I "lived" with H in the sense that it was my apartment and all my things were there, but my friend had a second bedroom so I slept there. I went home to our apartment, cooked dinner there, and just slept at my friend's so I really wasn't intruding too much on her life or her space. It might be worth just asking if you could do something similar.
Good luck working this out
[QUOTE]They shouldn't be judging you. Being fiscally irresponsible is not in God's plan either, and it sounds like that's what you're trying to avoid. People get WAY to worked up about sex (which you're not even having!) or even the appearance of sex. You are doing nothing wrong.
Posted by amyb140[/QUOTE]
Wrong. As believers, we're called to judge other believers. (Psalms 37:30, 1 Cor 1:10, 1 Cor 2:15) How the heck does accountability work if there's no judgement?
Honestly, though, I have no idea why kalizoomba posted if she wasn't looking for accountability. Maybe she can answer that, though.
2010: 41 books, 2011: 31 books, 2012: 100 books
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI is moving in and I feel physically sick.... : Wrong. As believers, we're called to judge other believers. (Psalms 37:30, 1 Cor 1:10, 1 Cor 2:15) How the heck does accountability work if there's no judgement?
Posted by mrandmrsbrist[/QUOTE]<div>Totally agree with this, and with Rebecca's posts.
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[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI is moving in and I feel physically sick.... : Wrong. As believers, we're called to judge other believers. (Psalms 37:30, 1 Cor 1:10, 1 Cor 2:15) How the heck does accountability work if there's no judgement? Honestly, though, I have no idea why kalizoomba posted if she wasn't looking for accountability. Maybe she can answer that, though.
Posted by mrandmrsbrist[/QUOTE]
Accountability is one someone in her church family addressing the issue, and then getting the whole story. That story includes asking church members for help and receiving none. If they truly believe they are sinning you follow the process of adding people to the discussion, then bringing it to the pastor, etc. I forget the reference for that right now, but it's in there.
None of us are the authority on what is ok for others, especially in this case since they aren't sleeping together. So in that sense, no, people shouldn't be judging her. Accountability is different, and doesn't have the tone of "I'm going to decide what's ok and everyone must agree with me".