Distant MOH

shamaingtz · April 2010

Well Im really worried about my relationship with my MOH she's been really distant lately. She never asks about the wedding and what's left to do. I dont have any other close friends and no sisters and it really hurt me that she has no interest in the wedding. She seemed happy the first couple weeks,but slowly drifted away. We used to talk daily and now I cant even get in touch. She's had this problem in the past where she'e really close to people ,but then throws them to the side I just think she has too many friends to keep up with. I sent her an email saying how i felt and she said shes just been busy but I dont understand. She knows how important this is to me. I dont know if I still want her in my wedding party.

baystateapple · April 2010

Maybe try to talk to her about something that's not related to your wedding? This is a friend problem, not a MOH problem.

saxy414 · April 2010

Have you tried contacting her when it's not wedding related? It's been said A LOT on this board--your wedding is not nearly as important to anyone else as it is to you. She may just need a wedding break. Give her a week or two, and call her and ask her about her life. Don't bring up the wedding, just let her lead. It's very possible she is actually really busy. But it's also really possible she's tired of talking about your wedding--which is totally understandable and does NOT mean she's a bad friend.

shamaingtz · April 2010

Its understanding , but we never really talked about the wedding. I dont think shes a bad friend but I think she could at least call me.

jagore08 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_distant-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9051c92e-b9b5-402d-be6c-337ccff273f7Post:fbc55352-f8b2-42e7-b727-bf45898a82f2">Distant MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]Well Im really worried about my relationship with my MOH she's been really distant lately. She never asks about the wedding and what's left to do. I dont have any other close friends and no sisters and it really hurt me that she has no interest in the wedding. She seemed happy the first couple weeks,but slowly drifted away. We used to talk daily and now I cant even get in touch. She's had this problem in the past where she'e really close to people ,but then throws them to the side I just think she has too many friends to keep up with. I sent her an email saying how i felt and she said shes just been busy but I dont understand. She knows how important this is to me. I dont know if I still want her in my wedding party.
Posted by shamaingtz[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>You have to remember that this is YOUR wedding and that no one will be as excited as you are for it. It's on your mind all the time but she has a whole life that doesn't involve the wedding. I understand that you want to talk about it and have her offer to help but sometimes it just doesn't happen. Don't boot her from the wedding party. When she finally calls you back, don't say one word about the wedding unless she asks (and even then don't go on and on about it. Not saying you do, just saying). Just remember that everyone has things going on in their own lives. </div>

emilyinchile · April 2010

It is too early for this.

Take your wedding out of the equation. Work on your friendship. Trust that when she says she's busy, it's because she is and not because she secretly doesn't support your marriage and doesn't want to be your MOH. And don't totally ruin your friendship, which is what kicking her out would do, over something as silly as "she's been really busy the past few months and doesn't care enough about my special day."

shamaingtz · April 2010

You're probably right its just that I dont have anyone else to talk to not to be able to get advice on things. I live away from my family and I dont have anyone close.

saxy414 · April 2010

Can you at least call your family? I know I talked my mom's ear off about the wedding for about two months before I calmed down, but I've hardly talked about it to my friends. Or involve your fiance--he's really the only person who you can make help you. Some guys don't care too much about the planning, but try to find something he's interested in to help with. Get him involved in choosing music, or food. Most guys like food. :-)

tidetravel · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_distant-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:9051c92e-b9b5-402d-be6c-337ccff273f7Post:d88864d2-6fac-4f5e-83cf-468cb893d641">Re: Distant MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]You're probably right its just that I dont have anyone else to talk to not to be able to get advice on things. I live away from my family and I dont have anyone close.
Posted by shamaingtz[/QUOTE]

You have your FI.

And us :)

suz62984 · April 2010

True - You have the WP board. Nobody is going to be as excited as you are because it's your wedding.

My MOH told be 30 seconds after I asked her to MOH that she was moving to Arizona for a job that was contracted to end just 5 days before the wedding. That's fine. Email, texts, and the seldom phone calls (timing) works. I haven't seen her forever and I barely talk to her because of our bad timing but I still wouldn't change her MOH status for anything in the world.

mbcdefg · April 2010

I would suggest becoming a "regular" on one of the Knot boards (your local board, month/club board, a national board, one of the religious or ethnic boards, etc.) and chat about your plans there. Since everyone here is planning a wedding or planned one in the past, they will be glad to hear about your plans!

And you (collective "you," not you personally) don't run the risk of annoying real-life friends with wedding talk. Even if you're not talking someone's ear off about the wedding, there's only so much wedding chatter that a friend can take. It's kind of boring to hear about someone else's party plans, know what I mean? The knot people can give you feedback and ideas.

mizri · April 2010

I know I'm not a reg on this board, but wanted to respond. I'm going through something similar with my MOH. When I first told her, even before he popped the question, she was very excited about it, looking at dresses online, talking about plans, dates, everything. Then, a couple weeks later, she tells me that she doesn't know if she can come for my wedding because she's having a baby 6 months before the wedding, and doesn't know how she's going to handle having 3 kids at home, much less travel 6+ hours for my wedding. I was hurt at first, but then took a step back and have been trying to talk to her about the root of what's wrong. I found out that her and her husband are still having problems, they agreed to pay off their car with their tax refund this year, and she still hasn't done it, but he thinks she did. They are having financial problems, mainly because they don't TALK. And any time I try to offer advise or sympathy, I'm told that I don't know what I'm talking about, because I'm not married yet. It's getting kinda hard to hold on to the friendship, but you have to take a step back, and try to be a friend, not a bride right now. I guess that's the best advise I can give, but I do understand what you're going through, and I know it can be hard to understand that your MOH isn't excited about the wedding day, especially if she was before and then changed tune out of the blue.

emilyinchile · April 2010

Mizri FTW! Glad to see you're focusing on the friendship, and I hope for both of you that your MOH's situation improves.

mizri · April 2010

Me too, but have you ever seen a trainwreck? That's what I feel like I'm looking at every time I talk to her. I love her like a sister, and even my mom has tried talking to her, but she won't listen to anyone. Her husband doesn't see them as equals, because he works and makes all the money, and she "just" stays home with the kids. He doens't want to open his eyes and see that $40/week isn't enough to buy groceries for a family of 4. And she's expected to also pay for gas for her car and her ciggarettes out of that. I'm sorry to rant about it, but I really wish I could help her somehow, and it's been bothering me. Part of me wishes that she had gone through with the divorce instead of calling it off when they were hours away from being finalized. No woman deserves to be treated the way he treats her. But then when I say anything about how he treats her, she tells me that she doesn't tell me everything, and I just don't understand, because I'm not married. I wonder if it'll change after my wedding to "you don't understand because you haven't been married as long as me"? *sigh*

SonaliPop · April 2010

Maybe she is worried about the distance between the two of you that your marriage may bring.

tommyandy · April 2010

Misri; Buy her a babysitter for a few hours & get her out of the house for lunch or something. Or ask your mom to watch her kids. She might just need some adult female time to be able to hear you. As for the $40.00 a week for running the household, I would stop smoking first - especially since she is pregnant. Is she allowed to get a job?

mizri · April 2010

Tommyandy: Right now, she lives in East TX and I'm in South TX. We have about 5-6 hours between us. Otherwise, that wouldn't be a problem. I would love to go out for lunch with her. She claims that she's tried to stop smoking, but has been smoking since high school, and she's 27 now. She has smoked through her previous two pregnancies and claims nothing is wrong with her kids. Keep in mind her 18 month old son is the size of a 9 month old and is just now starting to walk. He is just starting to form words. She justifies the smoking by going away from the kids, across the room when she has a cigg. I don't agree with smoking around kids, and I'm so glad that FI made the decision to stop before he moved in with me. She has tried working when she wasn't pregnant, and has lasted max one month on a job because she is too worried about her kids being home with her husband to work, or sending them to daycare and have someone else watch them. She doesn't understand how I've been able to work and take my kids to daycare 5 days a week. Well, I did it because I was a single mother and didn't put up with their father treating me like crap. But that's stuff that we have agreed to disagree on. I haven't talked to her since Monday. I tried to text her and say hi yesterday, but got nothing back. I'm just waiting it out, and I'll let her come to me. She usually does.

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