Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Wedding Woes
KDRachael1
member
FI Secret credit card debt
in Wedding Woes
My FI finally came clean today and admitted to having some pretty nasty credit card debt that has gone into collections. He got one of those "You have to pay us now, blah blah blah" calls today and luckily told them to stop harassing them as he was still making payments. Of course I'm furious that we're 6 months away from the wedding and I suddenly find out about this. Looks like we're not having that fantastic honeymoon after all! 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: FI Secret credit card debt
Crap...I Mean Crafts
Debt isn't the end of the world. Most people have credit issues... you don't have to be rich to get married.
Be supportive, I'm sure he didn't mean to do this and he probably hasn't told you because he didn't want to burden you but now it's gotten to more than he can handle.
When you said yes to his marriage proposal, you said that you wanted to be with him forever no matter what. If you said yes, obviously you care about him. Don't abandon him and/or crush him by saying 'whoa whoa! you have problems! let's hold off the wedding then!' ...is that the message you want to send to him? cause I garauntee that's how he'll take it.
Help him figure out how to work this out. I bet this will bring you closer together if you work it right.
[QUOTE]Don't put plans on hold, just work it out. Debt isn't the end of the world. Most people have credit issues... you don't have to be rich to get married. Be supportive, I'm sure he didn't mean to do this and he probably hasn't told you because he didn't want to burden you but now it's gotten to more than he can handle. When you said yes to his marriage proposal, you said that you wanted to be with him forever no matter what. If you said yes, obviously you care about him. Don't abandon him and/or crush him by saying 'whoa whoa! you have problems! let's hold off the wedding then!' ...is that the message you want to send to him? cause I garauntee that's how he'll take it. Help him figure out how to work this out. I bet this will bring you closer together if you work it right.
Posted by katy0293[/QUOTE]
The above is REALLY AWFUL ADVICE
Honesty, integrity and openness, as well as shared values can make or break a marriage. Not disclosing significant debt until 6 months before the wedding would be a dealbreaker to me. Maybe it's not to you, but the fact that you are even asking the question means you have some doubts. Put on the brakes and figure out what this means to you and your relationship.
[QUOTE]Don't put plans on hold, just work it out. <strong>Debt isn't the end of the world</strong>. <strong>Most people have credit issues</strong>... you don't have to be rich to get married. Be supportive, I'm sure he didn't mean to do this and he probably hasn't told you because he didn't want to burden you but now it's gotten to more than he can handle. When you said yes to his marriage proposal, you said that you wanted to be with him forever no matter what. If you said yes, obviously you care about him. <strong>Don't abandon him and/or crush him by saying 'whoa whoa! you have problems! let's hold off the wedding then!' ...is that the message you want to send to him?</strong> cause I garauntee that's how he'll take it. Help him figure out how to work this out. I bet this will bring you closer together if you work it right.
Posted by katy0293[/QUOTE]
What I bolded would be true if it were medical bills or something truly catastrophic that led to this. Secret credit card debt is NEVER EVER ok and OP should NOT go forward with the wedding until this is cleared up and paid off. Most people who have credit card debt issues are irresponsible and poor money management skills. That doesn't go away with a puppies and rainbow attitude of "go ahead and marry him and help him work it out."
As soon as that wedding takes place OP's credit will be impacted. Their ability to buy a house, let alone at a decent interest rate will greatly diminish.
OP - this is a symptom of a much bigger issue. He was not honest with you and almost dragged you down with him. He has been keeping his secret for a long time.
Had you guys discussed finances and debt prior to this happening? When collection agencies are calling, payments are not current so don't fall for that.
OP - please understand the seriousness of this. The best thing you can do is postpone the wedding and see if he gets this worked out and paid off, and that he gets some kind of financial counseling and can learn to manage money.
PP you say she should not abandon him and crush him. I agree that she doesn't need to abandon him, but he needs to be held accountable for what he has done, and what his secrets would have done to her credit and ability to buy a house or car. HE was not honest with her, HE was going to drag her down, and HE was not treating her like someone who is loved and respected.
[QUOTE]Don't put plans on hold, just work it out. Debt isn't the end of the world. Most people have credit issues... you don't have to be rich to get married. Be supportive, I'm sure he didn't mean to do this and he probably hasn't told you because he didn't want to burden you but now it's gotten to more than he can handle. When you said yes to his marriage proposal, you said that you wanted to be with him forever no matter what. If you said yes, obviously you care about him. Don't abandon him and/or crush him by saying 'whoa whoa! you have problems! let's hold off the wedding then!' ...is that the message you want to send to him? cause I garauntee that's how he'll take it. Help him figure out how to work this out. I bet this will bring you closer together if you work it right.
Posted by katy0293[/QUOTE]
This is not good advice. Most people DO NOT have debt problems. I am so sick and tired of people who think that because of the "economy" they no longer have to bother paying their bills.
The worst part of all of this in my opinion is he was not up front and honest with you. You do not want to start a marriage with trust issues and large debt. Trust me.
He worked with me through it and I still have issues with holding back spending.
I did not however, go to collections and then play the "they're harrassing me" card. I fessed up, paid it off and am taking care of things now.
Lying about finances is the first step...what is next?
If you are going to move forward with this man, y'all need a plan of action to knock out this debt?
Girl, you better get a plan.
One of the first conversations H and I had when we were getting serious was about CC debt. Yes, people have it...that isn't the issue so much for me. It's that he didn't tell you. Money comes and goes, but lying bastards should just go.
as pp said, it would be different if it was something like medical debt and he was very up front about it - but there's honestly no legitimate reason to have a significant amount of cc debt.
I wouldn't marry someone who I couldn't trust with money / someone who has a grossly different financial POV from me. it impacts too many areas of married life for me to want to deal with.
meh... I'm just giving my opinion to the OP. Maybe my post will be helpful to her, maybe it won't.
Just because my opinion is different than yours, doesn't mean it's wrong ladies!
[QUOTE]Don't put plans on hold, just work it out. Debt isn't the end of the world. Most people have credit issues... you don't have to be rich to get married. Be supportive, <strong>I'm sure he didn't mean to do this</strong> and he probably hasn't told you because he didn't want to burden you but now it's gotten to more than he can handle. <strong>When you said yes to his marriage proposal, you said that you wanted to be with him forever no matter what</strong>. If you said yes, obviously you care about him. Don't abandon him and/or crush him by saying 'whoa whoa! you have problems! let's hold off the wedding then!' ...is <strong>that the message you want to send to him? cause I garauntee that's how he'll take it</strong>. Help him figure out how to work this out. I bet this will bring you closer together if you work it right.
Posted by katy0293[/QUOTE]
What? Did his credit card slip?
No. Saying yes to a marriage proposal does not mean you will be with someone no matter what, you idiot. If he started beating her would she stay with him?
What message should she send him? That it is OK for him to lie? And how can you guarantee how this man who you have never met is going to take anything?
Yes, it is wrong. Trust me.
One divorce, a *surprise* foreclosure, $6,000 in ExH's back taxes (that I had to pay), 2 attorneys (divorce & bankruptcy) and a TON of *surprise* debt -- all his -- later, I can tell you. Your advice is 100% wrong.
Postpone, get that debt figured out, get some counseling, figure out if there's anything else he's lying to you about and tread very, very carefully. I didn't and I lost everything.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI Secret credit card debt : What? Did his credit card slip? No. Saying yes to a marriage proposal does not mean you will be with someone no matter what, <strong>you idiot.</strong> If he started beating her would she stay with him? What message should she send him? That it is OK for him to lie? And how can you guarantee how this man who you have never met is going to take anything?
Posted by MinM[/QUOTE]
Um, really? That's not necessary.
And sorry, credit card debt, no matter how bad, is not anywhere near as bad as physical abuse.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI Secret credit card debt : Um, really? That's not necessary. And sorry, credit card debt, no matter how bad,<strong> is not anywhere near as bad as physical abuse.</strong>
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]
Jigga-what?
That's like comparing apples to...pork.
I'm not saying that either one of these things are good, but debt, especially hidden debt, can ruin your life. And if someone hides something that big from you, WTF else are they hiding?
If I were you, I would want to see his plan for paying it off, as well as evidence that he is doing so. He must be 100% honest with you about his financial situation, as should you about your own. I would recommend creating a budget together so you can plan for big life things, like a house, new car, etc.
Also, they aren't just going to go away. They will sue to garnish his wages if he stops paying, and then he will have no control over the payment. I would get on a written payment plan with them. Most companies will be willing to do this with you, and stall the collections suit as long as you are making the payments.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI Secret credit card debt : Jigga-what? That's like comparing apples to...pork. I'm not saying that either one of these things are good, but debt, especially hidden debt, can ruin your life. And if someone hides something that big from you, WTF else are they hiding?
Posted by mrs.conn23[/QUOTE]
Hey, I'm not the one who brought it up.
At least the guy came clean, and before the wedding no less. Plus, how much debt are we talking about here?
I'm not saying that it makes everything okay because what he did was wrong and it's going to take a long ass time to get things sorted out, but debt just isn't a deal breaker for me. And no, I don't assume that if someone has one dirty secret it means they have a myriad of other completely life ruining secrets. My deal breakers are physical abuse and cheating. Debt? It sucks, but life goes on. I think telling her to cut her losses and run is jumping the gun a bit. Counseling and financial advising is something I'd suggest first.
If he's gone to collections I am willing to bet it is in the multiple of $1,000s and he didn't pay for some time. Way to ruin your credit. SMRT.
Lying is lying, whether about debt, where you ate lunch, who called, etc.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI Secret credit card debt : Hey, I'm not the one who brought it up.<strong> At least the guy came clean, and before the wedding no less.</strong> <div> Plus, how much debt are we talking about here? I'm not saying that it makes everything okay because what he did was wrong and it's going to take a long ass time to get things sorted out, but debt just isn't a deal breaker for me. And no, I don't assume that if someone has one dirty secret it means they have a myriad of other completely life ruining secrets. My deal breakers are physical abuse and cheating. Debt? It sucks, but life goes on. I think telling her to cut her losses and run is jumping the gun a bit. Counseling and financial advising is something I'd suggest first.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]
</div><div>Just like 'coming clean' when busted cheating.</div><div>He didn't say "I screwed up" and bare his soul and his checkbook and credit report--he fessed up when he was CAUGHT because of the phone call.</div><div>(and for all we know, he's fessed up to a SMALL amount of what the reality is)</div><div>
</div><div>Once married, feel free to only have those 2 deal breakers. While engaged/dating/whatever, I would hope INCOMPATABILITY would be a deabreaker...because pity-dates are bad enough but pity-marriages gotta really suck. Someone being that dishonest would be a dealbreaker in someone I hadn't yet committed to. It wouldn't be in a marraige (I've had crap that bad come up in marriage) but I'd advise young-me to run screaming if it came up pre-marraige.</div><div>
</div><div>ANd for the most part 'stop planning' was the advice. That's not the same as cut and run--that's prioritizing--triage, you deal w/ the gaping wound instead of putting tulle on as a band-aid.</div>
:rolleyes:
[QUOTE]Y'all jump to the "OMGZ CALL IT OFF" a little too quick... and yes, I do think that when you say 'yes I will be your wife' that means for better OR WORSE! :rolleyes:
Posted by katy0293[/QUOTE]
'Put it on hold' and 'have a serious discussion about this.' and 'maybe try some counseling' =/= telling someone to call it off.
And no, debt =/= physical abuse, just as saying yes to a proposal =/= no matter what I will stay by your side.