His first, my um, third.

Re: His first, my um, third.

• MyNameIsNot member

  

  December 2009

  It isn't rude to invite them.  If they don't want to come, they don't have to.  An invitation isn't a subpoena.
  
  I would skip registering and turn down any showers this time around, though. 

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• ohwhynot member

  

  December 2009

  Thank you.  Absolutely agree with no registries (I'm uncomfortable  with those anyway) and no showers.   That would really be pushing it.   I just wish there were a way to convey, to "my people" something like "hey, you are more than welcome to come, but I'm not going to issue you an invitation, because I don't want you to feel obligated and I'm not gift-grabbing." 
  
  Know what I mean? 

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• lauralaur member

  

  December 2009

  I would still send invites to all of your family because if I were you, I wouldn't want them to feel even a little bit left out. Then I would just speak to family members candidly as you happen to see them from now until your wedding and without putting yourself or anyone else down just say that you realize it's your third wedding, but your fiance and his family wanted the big party so you're doing it for him. Something to that effect that would still make them feel welcome while letting them know that you would understand if they didn't want to come. But I wouldn't not send an invite.

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• ThePinkSuperhero

  

  December 2009

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_his-first-um-third?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5dddddde-be54-4eec-b421-95c30ee7d7e2Post:ca78090c-344a-413a-a28e-ada40c5a24f4">His first, my um, third.</a>:
  [QUOTE]Hi.  Just got engaged on Christmas Day.  I am thrilled, but I have an etiquette dilemma:  this will be my 3rd wedding (yes, it is embarassing to admit that.  I know) and my fiance's first.  His family is thrilled and he wants a "big party" with live music, the works.  I don't think it's right to deny him these things, but . . . the thing is, it's kind of embarassing to invite my whole, large (8 kids) family to a THIRD wedding.  They reluctantly attended the first, young, disastrous wedding (which happily ended in divorce - what a pure, unadulterated mistake) and joyously attended my 2d which, sadly, ended in divorce 4 years ago.  Now I'm engaged again - I'm thrilled, but I can't expect everyone to be.  Is it rude  to invite them to a big party again?  Is it rude NOT to?  Help. 
  Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]
  
  I agree with what was said above- all you can do is invite them.  Honestly, if they're going to judge you, it'd be more for the third marriage than the third wedding, so worrying about the wedding really isn't going to do any good.  So forget it and have fun!

  
  

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• sarabellam member

  

  December 2009

  I feel your pain. This was my second marriage, my husband's first. We had to compromise between my desire to go to the courthouse and his desire for a big party. We hit a happy medium and most everyone was happy.

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• squirrly member

  

  December 2009

  Ditto to everything above.  Go ahead and invite them (else, someone will say "What, I was good enough to come and give a gift the first two times, but because you expect no one will give gifts this time, I'm not worth an invite?!?!), and let them know by word of mouth about all of your concerns, above.

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  Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485

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• Catwoman708 member

  

  December 2009

  Is there perhaps a way to compromise?
  
  
  Such as explain your dillemma to a few of your trusted family members.  And use the family grapevine to let them know they are not expected to make a big deal about your third wedding and all the fanfare. 
  
  And maybe explain to his family why yours may not seem as overjoyed as they are.  Maybe suggest if they want to throw parties, to focus on FI's side of the family, for an egagement party, showers, bachelor party, etc...
  
  Then have whatever wedding you and FI want, within reason.  Maybe tone it down on all the "trimmings" like large wedding parties, FG and RBs, showers, bachelorettes, etc....Maybe just invite your immediate family, and closest friends, and let his family have a larger portion of the guest list.

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• jajph1974

  

  December 2009

  Honestly, I don't think you have anything to be embarrassed about. Invite who you want. If they want to come, they will. I agree with skipping the registries and showers.
  
  I speak from experience. I just got married last month. My third, his first. We had a "traditional" wedding with the white dress, bouquet toss, garter toss etc. because that's what Tim really wanted and I couldn't justify denying him that just because I made bad decisions when I was younger.
  
  Although I had been married before, this was my first traditional wedding, so it was a new experience for me too. My first wedding was a quickie ceremony in Vegas and my second was JOP with a few family members.
  
  I really hope everything works out for you and I hope your family will be happy for you and supportive 

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• TurtlesAllTheWayDown member

  

  December 2009

  You could also compromise by having a big, but casual party. Or you could have a smaller, formal reception. It depends on what's most important to your fiance - the dressing up part or the inviting a ton of family part. It doesn't have to be big AND fancy.

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• pumpkinpumpkin

  

  December 2009

  butterfly, is that you?

  
  

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