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Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"

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Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"

  • tldhtldh member
    2500 Comments
    edited January 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:b56b46c4-ec44-4a3e-8529-62b15a260961">Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
    [QUOTE]We are kind of in the same boat...we want $$ for a down payment, honeymoon, etc! We are planning on registering for a few items that we need new or replaced, etc and leaving the rest to what our guests wish to give us be it money or other gifts.  I think there is a website called<strong>myregistry.com</strong>and you can set up a "fund" (ie: cash) for a down payment, honeymoon, etc along with your other typical registry items. I think its like a registry management system or something. I don't know too much about it. But yes,<strong> I do think it is rude to ask for money outright</strong>. 
    Posted by spartybride3[/QUOTE]

    It's rude no matter what wrapping and bow you put on it.
    image
    AKA GoodLuckBear14
  • I'm not setting up the website for myself, but if the poster wants to do it, then that is their choice.  Just sharing information. 
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  • I think it's rude to ask for money and I don't see that changing.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:834d84ee-402d-4d73-9970-0612c9fb6469">Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude" : Because one doesn't dictate what guests should give; it's their choice what to give.  And before you go there, a traditional registry isn't asking either.  It's giving guests a wish/needs list should they choose to get you something.
    Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

    <div>What about for couples whose wish/needs list includes money?  I still fail to see how it is any different.  No one is <em>dictating</em> to guests where or how to spend their money, even if they flat out say "we'd prefer monetary gifts" they still have the choice to buy something, or to give nothing at all.</div><div>
    </div><div>~Katy</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:43c4364c-eddf-49c2-8f41-8fc0087f2f34">Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude" : People already know cash is an appreciated gift. They don't need YOU to tell them or set up cash registry that is just another gimmick and more times than not deceitful. 
    Posted by MNVegas[/QUOTE]

    <div>I disagree 100% with this idea.  Not everyone "just knows" that money will be appreciated, and not everyone would appreciate money as much as a gift.  Where on earth people get the idea that "well our COURSE everyone knows people would love money" is beyond me.</div><div>
    </div><div>~Katy</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:0c6c87c8-bd0d-4513-883c-abe1f2ab93f4">Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
    [QUOTE]Etiquette will not change, even if whatever is popular regionally or within family tradition does. Don't confuse etiquette and tradition, and it might make more sense. In some places, cash bars are common practice. It doesn't make them less rude and inappropriate, etiquette-wise.
    Posted by GretchenLaRoux[/QUOTE]

    <div>Considering that etiquette is situation and region specific and there is NO one standardm universal, "every culture agrees with this" etiquette you are in fact completely wrong.  If etiquette never changed, than every country would have the SAME rules of etiquette, but they don't.  Etiquette DOES in fact change, otherwise we'd follow all the same rules as in England.  Etiquette also dictates that a brides family pays for the wedding.  How many brides families actually do this today??  Etiquette is that a man asks the parents before proposing, again, not the most common anymore.</div><div>
    </div><div>As society changes, so do the rules of etiquette.  Etiquette and tradition arent entirely separate things.</div><div>
    </div><div>Until you have any real proof that what you say is correct, I have no reason to think that you are because it just sounds like stubborn nonsense to me.</div><div>
    </div><div>~Katy</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:14f0fb3a-90ba-42e1-83c6-555e61f36ff6">Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude" : And, the above is the same as asking for money outright, so why would you set up a website to help you do this?
    Posted by freebread03[/QUOTE]

    <div>Setting up a gift registry is the same as asking for gifts outright, by this logic, as well yet earlier in this thread we were informed that asking for gifts is in fact also rude.  I fail to see the difference because there isn't one.</div><div>
    </div><div>~Katy</div>
  • Still I see the SAME explanation of "it's etiquette" which is the EXACT SAME thing as saying "just because."

    You don't wipe your mouth on your sleeve?  Because it's GROSS and it is dirty.  regardless of whether you are at the table or not it's just stupid to get your sleeve dirty, we have napkins for that.

    Why do we hold doors open for people?  So those people don't have the door shut in their face, also because they may have things they are carying making it hard to open the door.

    Why don't we burp at the dinner table?  Because we aren't in Japan, where if you DON'T belch it's an insult to the chef.  

    This is silly.

    ~Katy
  • Katy, my problem with your logic is the $50 bill versus the $50 blender example.  With the $50 bill I've absolutely parted with that money.  With the $50 blender I might have bought it on sale, with a coupon, with a gift card, or some other way that makes it look like a $50 gift without parting with that much.  PLENTY of people shop this way.  Not everybody says, "I'm going to spend precisely $50 one way or another."  When a couple says that cash is preferred and doesn't give guests physical gift options then guests feel backed into a corner - sure a few people will go get something physical anyway (I tend to be one of them), but plenty will succumb to the pressure to just give cash even if they don't want to.  It's rude as hell as dictate gifts to your guests.  Registries are wishlists that hopefully have plenty of suggestions.  Cash is a single option sort of thing.  There's nothing to substitute for it.

    As for other posters who want to ask for cash because of the "I need to save for a downpayment" or "I need to have for a honeymoon" argument, I have zero sympathy for their "plight."  Honestly, getting married is an adult decision.  Having a wedding with all the bells and whistles is an adult decision.  Buying a home is an adult decision.  Own the decision to have a wedding and don't expect your guests to reimburse you for it.  If you can't afford the downpayment on a home as soon as you'd like, then cut back on the wedding.  If you want the wedding with a huge honeymoon afterwards, then wait to buy a home.  But don't be rude to your guests because you aren't able to accept the priorities you've chosen. 
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  • So if it's okay to ask for cash elsewhere, it should be okay in our culture... but even though burping is perfectly fine on Japan, it's not acceptable here. Okay, got it. You're confusing etiquette with tradition. Traditions change often, etiquette rarely does. Both can be regional, national, or cultural. But for arguments sake, let's pretend we're in the US. Why is it wrong to burp at the table? It's a natural body function often uncontrollable. But that you don't want changed... asking for cash, you do?
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:054f2761-6ced-4edb-873d-878512971b06">Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
    [QUOTE]Katy, my problem with your logic is the $50 bill versus the $50 blender example.  With the $50 bill I've absolutely parted with that money.  With the $50 blender I might have bought it on sale, with a coupon, with a gift card, or some other way that makes it look like a $50 gift without parting with that much.  PLENTY of people shop this way.  Not everybody says, "I'm going to spend precisely $50 one way or another."  When a couple says that cash is preferred and doesn't give guests physical gift options then guests feel backed into a corner - sure a few people will go get something physical anyway (I tend to be one of them), but plenty will succumb to the pressure to just give cash even if they don't want to.  It's rude as hell as dictate gifts to your guests.  Registries are wishlists that hopefully have plenty of suggestions.  Cash is a single option sort of thing.  There's nothing to substitute for it. As for other posters who want to ask for cash because of the "I need to save for a downpayment" or "I need to have for a honeymoon" argument, I have zero sympathy for their "plight."  Honestly, getting married is an adult decision.  Having a wedding with all the bells and whistles is an adult decision.  Buying a home is an adult decision.  Own the decision to have a wedding and don't expect your guests to reimburse you for it.  If you can't afford the downpayment on a home as soon as you'd like, then cut back on the wedding.  If you want the wedding with a huge honeymoon afterwards, then wait to buy a home.  But don't be rude to your guests because you aren't able to accept the priorities you've chosen. 
    Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]

    <div>While I understand what you are saying about buying on sale or using coupons, it still doesn't negate the numbers.  If you got a $60 toaster for $50... you parted with $50 or you could choose to just give that $50 to the couple.  Or buy the $50 blender on sale for $40, or just give $40 cash to the couple.  Just because you can "trick" people into thinking you sepnt more on them, that makes it a better option?</div><div>
    </div><div>As far as not giving physical gift options, I have seen very few people saw they weren't going to also do a traditional gift registry.  I see a LOT of posts, however, attacking the idea of homeymoon registries that attack it assuming it will be the only registry.  What's so wrong with making it an option?  </div><div>
    </div><div>I can also understand being bothered by people who *expect* their guests to give them money towards XYZ (or just money towards nothing specific) but at the same time, I'm not sure why it is assumed that having a honeymoon registry or otherwise letting it be known money would be much appreciated implies that the couple is expecting a certain amount of money.  Many people looking at honeymoon registries are thinking "well, we are already doing this, and already plan to pay for it ourselves, but <em>wouldn't it be nice if</em> we could get cash so that we can leave some of our money in savings for a rainy day/ a house/ medical bills/ etc"  not many people are expecting their guests to flat out pay for their honeymoon.</div><div>
    </div><div>I think a lot of people who are so dead against honeymoon registries are trying to make a black and white issue where there is a LOT of gray area.</div><div>
    </div><div>~Katy</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:395dbfb0-7576-4f7e-96a5-ab2089fbfa7a">Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
    [QUOTE]So if it's okay to ask for cash elsewhere, it should be okay in our culture... but even though burping is perfectly fine on Japan, it's not acceptable here. Okay, got it. You're confusing etiquette with tradition. Traditions change often, etiquette rarely does. Both can be regional, national, or cultural. But for arguments sake, let's pretend we're in the US. Why is it wrong to burp at the table? It's a natural body function often uncontrollable. <strong>But that you don't want changed</strong>... asking for cash, you do?
    Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

    <div>Where is this assumption coming from?  No one has said anything about wanting or not wanting burping at the table to be changed, and you actually didn't give a reason why it's wrong in the US to burp at the table.</div><div>
    </div><div>Arbitrary rules are pointless.</div><div>
    </div><div>And yes, etiquette does change, and while tradition and etiquette aren't the same thing, they are closely intertwined.  I'd love to know what your definition of etiquette is that implies it is written in stone and unchangeable.</div><div>
    </div><div>~Katy</div>
  • For those screaming "Etiquette!"  who is your authority on proper etiquette?  In my experience, the US authority on etiquette has been the Emily Post Institute... first Emily, then Elizabeth (Libby), and the institute is still alive and well today.

    As far as etiquette not changing, "Libby quickly became, and remained for the next 30 years, America's leading authority on etiquette. Six times she revised and modernized the classic Etiquette, originally written by Emily Post."
    If etiquette did not change, the book wouldn't have needed revising and modernizing every 5 years.

    As far as honeymoon and cash registries and asking for cash in general, the Emily Post Institute covers this on their website on the following page: http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/wedding-registries-gifts-and-thank-yous/652-inside-weddings-registry-rules

    Where they clearly state that it is OK to ask for cash, to spread it via word of mouth and in fact clearly state that if using a cash registry, it is best to also have a traditional registry in addition.

    So there we go.  If you have another authority on etiquette please do share their stance on it, but I've always known Emily and Elizabeth Post to be the authorities on the subject, and if they say it's OK then by all means it's fine by me.

    ~Katy
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:514cb5b3-8680-45ca-8c26-864dec638389">Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude" : While I understand what you are saying about buying on sale or using coupons, it still doesn't negate the numbers.  If you got a $60 toaster for $50... you parted with $50 or you could choose to just give that $50 to the couple.  Or buy the $50 blender on sale for $40, or just give $40 cash to the couple.  <strong>Just because you can "trick" people into thinking you sepnt more on them, that makes it a better option</strong>? As far as not giving physical gift options, I have seen very few people saw they weren't going to also do a traditional gift registry.  I see a LOT of posts, however, attacking the idea of homeymoon registries that attack it assuming it will be the only registry.  What's so wrong with making it an option?   I can also understand being bothered by people who *expect* their guests to give them money towards XYZ (or just money towards nothing specific) but at the same time, I'm not sure why it is assumed that having a honeymoon registry or otherwise letting it be known money would be much appreciated implies that the couple is expecting a certain amount of money.  Many people looking at honeymoon registries are thinking "well, we are already doing this, and already plan to pay for it ourselves, but wouldn't it be nice if  we could get cash so that we can leave some of our money in savings for a rainy day/ a house/ medical bills/ etc"  not many people are expecting their guests to flat out pay for their honeymoon. <strong>I think a lot of people who are so dead against honeymoon registries are trying to make a black and white issue</strong> where there is a LOT of gray area. ~Katy
    Posted by chickcasa[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>So to your first point.  I'm not talking about playing tricks - this is simply a matter of feeling like you want to give somebody a nice gift but maybe not being able to afford to spend $50.  You wouldn't believe how many petty people look down on a cash gift of $25 or less, even though that's simply some (many) people's budgets.  Buying wedding gifts for other people is probably low on the list of things to budget for, and physical options allows guests to not be embarrassed by their choice.  Physical options also let people shop for the same thing at other stores or similar products by a different manufacturer.  Honestly, I hardly ever give cash, even if I'm spending upwards of $100 because I feel like it's nobody's business what I can afford to spend.  I simply don't want the bride or groom knowing a precise amount.  I once bought 8 place settings of lenox china with random gift cards I got through promos at my law school and amazon sales and spent $2.12 of my own money on them total.  Obviously that's an extreme example, but I can find deals on even very nice things.  I can't find a deal on a $100 bill.</div><div>
    </div><div>Personally, the HM thing doesn't offend me, but I do think it's tacky.  Sort of like how I once saw toilet cleaner and condoms (extra sensitive, no less) on the same registry - ewww.  Yes, those are both things that hopefully many of us use but it's not really something I want brought to my attention.   I also don't want to think about the sexfest, because let's be honest that's what a honeymoon really is. So that's what makes it tacky, IMO. The fact that HM websites often take a cut of the cash and then just gives a check to the bride and groom make it deceptive as well.  Plenty of people do want to give cash (even if I'm not one of them), so why not use that as you see fit?  HM registries scam a lot of guests who think they're giving you an experience when they're really giving you a check less fees.

    </div>
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  • Katy, my understanding is that most of the etiquette books have been updated to address situations that arise with technology they didn't have back with earlier editions: email, cell phones, texting (you should read the etiquette books rants on this), etc.  I really like the Amy Vanderbilt book because it talks about contemporary problems but generally gives sound advice and reasons behind the advice - Emily Post herself was alright but it's gone downhill since Peggy took over.  It's been awhile since I've looked, but I'm pretty sure Amy Vanderbilt addresses registries in the vaguest of ways, and from the guests' perspective. Basically, it's advising guests to use registries since they speak to the couples' tastes.  I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that's what she says - the book is at FI's apt right now or I would check.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:f783df15-0d1f-4f55-8c1c-619cc3dc4e79">Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude" : What about for couples whose wish/needs list includes money?  I still fail to see how it is any different.  No one is dictating to guests where or how to spend their money, even if they flat out say "we'd prefer monetary gifts" they still have the choice to buy something, or to give nothing at all. ~Katy
    Posted by chickcasa[/QUOTE]


    I think it's obvious that I was talking about them choosing to get a couple something in a box.  Who isn't in need of money?  Money is always a good gift. Guests aren't stupid - they don't need to be told that .
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:3dc4d48e-fa42-47d5-8ac5-fd54f520bc43">Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude" : So to your first point.  I'm not talking about playing tricks - this is simply a matter of feeling like you want to give somebody a nice gift but maybe not being able to afford to spend $50.  You wouldn't believe how many petty people look down on a cash gift of $25 or less, even though that's simply some (many) people's budgets.  Buying wedding gifts for other people is probably low on the list of things to budget for, and physical options allows guests to not be embarrassed by their choice.  Physical options also let people shop for the same thing at other stores or similar products by a different manufacturer.  Honestly, I hardly ever give cash, even if I'm spending upwards of $100 because I feel like it's nobody's business what I can afford to spend.  I simply don't want the bride or groom knowing a precise amount.  I once bought 8 place settings of lenox china with random gift cards I got through promos at my law school and amazon sales and spent $2.12 of my own money on them total.  Obviously that's an extreme example, but I can find deals on even very nice things.  I can't find a deal on a $100 bill. [/quote]<div>
    </div><div>This makes sense to me.  It makes sense to have options, including traditional gifts, for guests to choose from.  My problem isn't with this line of thinking that you have, rather, some of the unjustified opinions of some of the other posters.
    <div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>[quote]Personally, the HM thing doesn't offend me, but I do think it's tacky.  Sort of like how I once saw toilet cleaner and condoms (extra sensitive, no less) on the same registry - ewww.  Yes, those are both things that hopefully many of us use but it's not really something I want brought to my attention.   I also don't want to think about the sexfest, because let's be honest that's what a honeymoon really is. So that's what makes it tacky, IMO. The fact that HM websites often take a cut of the cash and then just gives a check to the bride and groom make it deceptive as well.  Plenty of people do want to give cash (even if I'm not one of them), so why not use that as you see fit?  HM registries scam a lot of guests who think they're giving you an experience when they're really giving you a check less fees.
    Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]

    </div></div><div>Personally, to be honest, I find it tacky that honeymoons are considered a sex fest.  While I get that traditionally there's that whole *wink wink, nudge nudge* factor, most of us have had plenty of sex before our honeymoons and aren't going to be spending the days after our wedding completely naked.  Personally, if my honeymoon were going to be about sex, I would stay home for it, so much cheaper!  I can't be the only one who doesn't treat their honeymoon as a sex fest.  It would be very interesting to poll people and see just how much sex is had on the average honeymoon these days.</div><div>And yes, I can completely understand the problem everyone has with honeymoon registries that dress up the cash gift as something else (where the couple gets cash but the guests are told they're giving them money for a romantic dinner or whatever else) and registries that take fees out of the guests money.  But they aren't all like that.</div><div>
    </div><div>I just think that people get so up in arms over HRs and just say across the board they are horrible, rather than giving people acceptable options, such as pointing them towards registries that DON'T take fees (or even handle the money at all) and encouraging them to also set up a traditional registry in addition to a honeymon registry.  All the problems people seem to have with honeymoon registries (besides the "etiquette says it's bad" fallacy) aren't always even true.</div>
  • edited January 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:7a208347-cd47-47d1-95fa-658043920a5a">Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
    [QUOTE]Katy, my understanding is that most of the etiquette books have been updated to address situations that arise with technology they didn't have back with earlier editions: email, cell phones, texting (you should read the etiquette books rants on this), etc.  I really like the Amy Vanderbilt book because it talks about contemporary problems but generally gives sound advice and reasons behind the advice - Emily Post herself was alright but it's gone downhill since Peggy took over.  It's been awhile since I've looked, but I'm pretty sure Amy Vanderbilt addresses registries in the vaguest of ways, and from the guests' perspective. Basically, it's advising guests to use registries since they speak to the couples' tastes.  I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that's what she says - the book is at FI's apt right now or I would check.
    Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Amy Vanderbilt died in 1974, long before there were online registries of any kind much less honeymoon or cash registries, so it would be impossible for her to have addressed them.  I am assuming her book is being updated by some other entity at this point in time, does anyone know who is responsible for updating it?</div><div>
    </div><div>Technically, honeymoon and cash registries are new technologies.  Just as new etiquette had to be decided about store registries when they came about, new etiquette much be decided on honeymoon and cash registries.  I would say that if most authorities on etiquette acknowledge store registries and cash gifts as acceptable, honeymoon and cash registries would follow the same rules: as in, don't go advertising them if you haven't been asked but it it comes up inform guests where to go.</div><div>
    ~Katy
    </div>
  • So, Emily Post's offspring is good, Amy Vanderbuilt's updates are bad? Okay, got it. Miss Manners is alive and kicking and she says it's a no-no. FWIW, The Post Institute says it's tacky to ask for cash, since they're your go-to. Hun, please tell me why it's rude to burp at the table. You haven't told me yet why that's rude, but asking for cash isn't. You're so dead set on answers other than "it just is" so start a new trend and give us a good answer.
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:b0bbade9-f2f2-438a-9442-f1307ca81c7a">Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
    [QUOTE]So, Emily Post's offspring is good, Amy Vanderbuilt's updates are bad? Okay, got it. Miss Manners is alive and kicking and she says it's a no-no. FWIW, The Post Institute says it's tacky to ask for cash, since they're your go-to. Hun, please tell me why it's rude to burp at the table. You haven't told me yet why that's rude, but asking for cash isn't. You're so dead set on answers other than "it just is" so start a new trend and give us a good answer.
    Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

    <div>Why are you asking ME why it is rude to burp at the table?  It wasn't my example, it was Joys.  I took most of my examples from her.  I used it to point out that etiquette is different in different places and what one person considers rude, another may consider polite.  I never said it's rude to burp at the table.</div><div>
    </div><div>Also the post institute website said it's just fine to ask for cash for wedding gifts, but just as with other gifts, you don't jst throw that info out unsolicited.  The website specifically mentions cash regsitries, and them being ok.</div><div>
    </div><div>"<span style="background-color:#ffffff;color:#403d36;font-family:'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, Geneva, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;text-align:-webkit-auto;">It has always been acceptable to give cash (or a check) to the bride and groom; <em> it is also now okay for the couple to signal that gifts of money would be welcome</em>. As with registries, give this information out by word of mouth: “Of course we would love anything you get us, but we could really use help with a down-payment on our first home.”<em> It’s okay to say “cash,”</em> but if that makes you uncomfortable, “donation,” “help,” or “contribution” are all good substitutes. While there are websites that help to facilitate cash gifts, it’s best to have at least one other online registry as well, as many guests may not feel comfortable having no traditional gift options to chose from.</span><span style="background-color:#ffffff;color:#403d36;font-family:'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, Geneva, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;text-align:-webkit-auto;">"</span></div><div>
    </div><div>Note how it doesn't say not to use cash registries?  It specifically lets you know they are available.</div><div>
    </div><div>As for Miss Manners, Miss Manners is also against gift registries in general, and I highly doubt you are advocating have NO registry at all?</div><div>
    </div><div>~Katy</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:05d390c0-f77c-4b8e-8b31-47b0812a55a8">Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
    [QUOTE]Chickcasa -- I'd like to respectfully suggest that you chill out.  Seriously.  You're getting way too worked up over this.  People who think asking for cash is rude aren't going to change their minds because of anything you say, just as you're clearly not going to change yours.
    Posted by LucyHC[/QUOTE]

    <div>I'm not worked up.  I'm just giving another side.  They don't have to change their opinions, but it would be great is they would at least acknowledge that they are in fact just opinions and not, as they are acting, hard and fast rules.</div><div>
    </div><div>~Katy</div>
  • "Why are you asking ME why it is rude to burp at the table?  It wasn't my example, it was Joys.  I took most of my examples from her.  I used it to point out that etiquette is different in different places and what one person considers rude, another may consider polite.  I never said it's rude to burp at the table." Your reasoning in that post with those examples made no sense based on your own logic. We're not in Japan. We're here. Here it's rude to burp at the table, wipe your mouth on your sleeve and ask for cash. The Post Institute says it's okay to tell people you wouldn't mind cash, IF asked. It doesn't say you can jump the gun and outright ask for it before a guest asks you. It actually says to use word of mouth. It mentions cash registries exist, but doesn't advocate their use. And, actually, I can't find the thread I posted this in (and it was just last week) but I WAS brought up to believe that gift registries are tacky. My mom used to drag me through Fortunoffs ranting about how gross and tacky they were as she tried to figure out what the best gifts would be to give without breaking the budget. They are only tolerated because they aren't mandatory to use. They are a list of suggestions, unlike a cash registry that only has 1 item on it... cash.
    image
  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2012
    I don't have the energy for this or to explain for the zillionth time why asking for money from anyone is unacceptable.

    Get over it, chicasa.  It's wrong.  But, if you don't believe me, just go ask your guests.  They'll smile to your face and rip you apart behind your back because I bet a lot of them feel it's rude, presumptious and quite bratty on the part of the bride.  Good luck with that.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:b0bbade9-f2f2-438a-9442-f1307ca81c7a">Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
    [QUOTE]So, Emily Post's offspring is good, Amy Vanderbuilt's updates are bad? Okay, got it. Miss Manners is alive and kicking and she says it's a no-no. FWIW, The Post Institute says it's tacky to ask for cash, since they're your go-to. Hun, please tell me why it's rude to burp at the table. You haven't told me yet why that's rude, but asking for cash isn't. You're so dead set on answers other than "it just is" so start a new trend and give us a good answer.
    Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

    I'll add that Dear Abby loathes any type of cash registry and doesn't hesitate to say they are unbelievably rude.
    image
    AKA GoodLuckBear14
  • Even Carly from The Knot has been on TV shows saying that asking for cash is a NO, NO and should never be done. Of course The Knot then turns around and accepts advertising from cash registries and brides take this as an ok to use them.  

    Cash requests come across as just so greedy. Normally I will give a cash gifts freely, but when someone asks for cash I won't give it. I will not reward someone for their bad behavior.


  • People don't have to give you anything. Asking for a gift is rude and greedy.  Creating a registry is providing information to guests that choose to give you a gift, it is NOT requiring them to give you any gift let alone an item listed on your registry.

  • I have a different opinion than the VAST majority of people on here. I'm, as of now, feeling ok with the idea of a HM regisitry. I see no difference in "I'd like this $50 blender" and "I'd l ike this $50 massage in Bali." My opinion may change, but as of now I think it's potato pa-tato. Of course, no one HAS to get you anything, but giving suggestions for things you'd really like is fine by me.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:c24c9b4e-f618-4134-9d3a-3a8536de6b3e">Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have a different opinion than the VAST majority of people on here. I'm, as of now, feeling ok with the idea of a HM regisitry. I see no difference in "I'd like this $50 blender" and "I'd l ike this $50 massage in Bali." My opinion may change, but as of now I think it's potato pa-tato. Of course, no one HAS to get you anything, but giving suggestions for things you'd really like is fine by me.
    Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]

    Except you will be lying to the guest who thinks they are buying you that massage.  They aren't.  They are giving the website $50 and the website in turn is giving you a check for $45.  It's a bad situation all the way around.
    image
    AKA GoodLuckBear14
  • A friend who had lived with her fiance for a few years before marrying used them poems and passed them onto me and my fiance.  We are using them and have had no negative response yet.  I see no reason to ask for things we simply do not need so we are going ahead with this idea.

    Poem for Invite

    We hope that you will join us
    on this our special day
    To celebrate our union
    in a very special way

    To make it easy for you
    and avoid a shopping spree
    We thought that we would have instead
    a little money tree

    Because we've been together,
    for a little while now
    We have collected all our household things
    before we took our vows

    An envelope will be provided
    for you to bless our tree
    no name is required for each gift
    as anonymity is the key!

    So please don't be offended
    at our new type of request
    Just telling everyone our wish
    has really put us to the test!

    Poem for Money Tree Table, place next to envelope's

    I'm just a little money tree
    With lots of branches bare as can be!
    But you can make my branches bloom
    with good things for the bride and groom!

    Please take your gift and give me leaves
    To make my branches full and green!
    For the newlyweds Ill be a blessing
    Ill give them all their nest is missing!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:a2ea26a9-2cd0-4739-81fd-f7fbc432a467">Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
    [QUOTE]A friend who had lived with her fiance for a few years before marrying used them poems and passed them onto me and my fiance.  We are using them and have had no negative response yet.  I see no reason to ask for things we simply do not need so we are going ahead with this idea. Poem for Invite We hope that you will join us on this our special day To celebrate our union in a very special way To make it easy for you and avoid a shopping spree We thought that we would have instead a little money tree Because we've been together, for a little while now We have collected all our household things before we took our vows An envelope will be provided for you to bless our tree no name is required for each gift as anonymity is the key! So please don't be offended at our new type of request Just telling everyone our wish has really put us to the test! Poem for Money Tree Table, place next to envelope's I'm just a little money tree With lots of branches bare as can be! But you can make my branches bloom with good things for the bride and groom! Please take your gift and give me leaves To make my branches full and green! For the newlyweds Ill be a blessing Ill give them all their nest is missing!
    Posted by Fritchsp[/QUOTE]

    Poems make everything okay!!
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