Inviting co-workers to reception only

meschuster · February 2013

This is kind of a controversial topic, but I'm doing it. I invited my bosses to the full wedding and am inviting the co-workers in my dept to the reception only (drinks and dancing, not dinner). Most of my co-workers are guys so I don't think they will take it personally, and I've mentioned a few times that we're keeping our wedding small.

I was planning on emailing a reception only invitation (in PDF form, looks just like our invites but with different info). I previously emailed them a save the date and said to not worry about gifts, just come and celebrate with us. Do I need to reiterate that in the invitation? Or should I say something like, "Your presence is the only gift we request."

I was planning on sending an individual email to each person with the PDF attached of the reception only invite. I feel like I should say something thoughtful about how we're keeping our wedding small but would love for them to join us at the reception. It seems like there's no good way to word it, but I don't want to just send a blank email with an attachment. I guess I could send the invites in the mail, but is that too formal for a reception only invite?

AddieCake · February 2013

There's no good way to word it b/c this is completely inappropriate. Unless you are having a very PRIVATE ceremony (and you aren't if your boss is invited), it is not polite to invite people to the reception that didn't get invited to the ceremony. And it's doubly inappropriate to not invite them to dinner but just to the dancing/drinking portion. It says, "Hey, I got married! Come hang out with us, but I don't want you to see the important part or to have to actually pay for you to be there."

GoodLuckBear14 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-co-workers-to-reception-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf338e55-5321-430f-a644-7104785f7503Post:ff4f9174-b63c-4580-a48b-65d89547242e">Inviting co-workers to reception only</a>:
[QUOTE]This is kind of a controversial topic, but I'm doing it. I invited my bosses to the full wedding and am inviting the co-workers in my dept to the reception only (drinks and dancing, not dinner). Most of my co-workers are guys so I don't think they will take it personally, and I've mentioned a few times that we're keeping our wedding small. I was planning on emailing a reception only invitation (in PDF form, looks just like our invites but with different info). I previously emailed them a save the date and said to not worry about gifts, just come and celebrate with us. Do I need to reiterate that in the invitation? I was planning on sending an individual email to each person with the PDF attached of the reception only invite. I feel like I should say something thoughtful about how we're keeping our wedding small but would love for them to join us at the reception. It seems like there's no good way to word it, but I don't want to just send a blank email with an attachment. I guess I could send the invites in the mail, but is that too formal for a reception only invite?
Posted by meschuster[/QUOTE]

I can't wrap my head around the number of rude and uncalled for things you are doing. If you know it is so rude why in hell post it on the E board?

Wheels987 · February 2013

Uhhh....

Have you REALLY thought this out? If you know it's controversial, it might not be the best idea to bring it up and ask for advice. People are going to tell you to suck it up and give them a real invitation. Which is what you should do.

Done.

NYCMercedes · February 2013

"Suck it up and give them a real invitation." Thank you, Wheels.

McRogol · February 2013

I read the thread title and thought to myself..."Is this gal crazy!? Why would someone doing an idea like that post of the Etiquette Board?" I've only hung on this board for like 10 days and even I know better than that.

You're obviously not interested in following etiquette or you'd be inviting these guests to the whole shebang...So does the language on their invite really matter?

Also - what will you do if your wedding runs late (most do) and these extra guests show up when you tell them, but dinner isn't over and they have no where to sit? Or worse, they find seats only to not be served food while everyone else is eating? AWKWARD!

kmmssg · February 2013

Bad juju all over this one.

STD's ARE A WEDDING INVITATION. YOU HAVE ALREADY INVITED THEM TO THE WEDDING. STD's are not sent by email but it is too late to address that one.

You are not going to get validation or help on this because what you are proposing is really rude. It is also really sexist to say they won't care if you are rude because they are guys.

Everyone who got an STD is invited to the entire wedding. Seriously, what were you thinking? This isn't some "regional" thing either, we are both Michigan girls and this is not accepted etiquette around these parts.

Simply Fated · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-co-workers-to-reception-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf338e55-5321-430f-a644-7104785f7503Post:ff4f9174-b63c-4580-a48b-65d89547242e">Inviting co-workers to reception only</a>:
[QUOTE]This is kind of a controversial topic, but I'm doing it. I invited my bosses to the full wedding and am inviting the co-workers in my dept to the reception only (drinks and dancing, not dinner). Most of my co-workers are guys so I don't think they will take it personally, and I've mentioned a few times that we're keeping our wedding small. I was planning on emailing a reception only invitation (in PDF form, looks just like our invites but with different info). I previously emailed them a save the date and said to not worry about gifts, just come and celebrate with us. Do I need to reiterate that in the invitation? Or should I say something like, "Your presence is the only gift we request." I was planning on sending an individual email to each person with the PDF attached of the reception only invite. I feel like I should say something thoughtful about how we're keeping our wedding small but would love for them to join us at the reception. It seems like there's no good way to word it, but I don't want to just send a blank email with an attachment. I guess I could send the invites in the mail, but is that too formal for a reception only invite?
Posted by meschuster[/QUOTE]
<font color="#FF00FF">

Everything sounds better with a poem! How about this wording:

Your presence is present enough
Because we have enough stuff

So don't bring us any gifts
We're doing our wedding in shifts

Some people will be invited to dinner
But you're not a winner

So seriously don't bring us any gifts!

</font>

mlg78 · February 2013

Seriously? Emailing a pdf of the invite? That's what it has come to?

Jen4948 · February 2013

Since you sent them save-the-dates, you need to invite them to both the ceremony and the reception. Stop talking about your wedding at work, and lose the no-gift talk altogether.

Not to do any of these things is very ungracious.

meschuster · February 2013

I did not send my co-workers a save the date. I told them I was planning on inviting them to the reception and haven't said anything since. So do I suddenly send them a surprise invitation or not send anything at all?

meschuster · February 2013

Also, we are probably hiring 2 more people this month. Would I be obligated to invite them since the rest of the dept is going, even though I don't even know them yet, or would they understand?

aurianna · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-co-workers-to-reception-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf338e55-5321-430f-a644-7104785f7503Post:5a3cce65-a296-4fba-9b6a-9b3541816af3">Re: Inviting co-workers to reception only</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, we are probably hiring 2 more people this month. Would I be obligated to invite them since the rest of the dept is going, even though I don't even know them yet, or would they understand?
Posted by meschuster[/QUOTE]

If you barely know them when invites go out you really wouldn't not need to invite them. It's a wedding, not an office happy hour. They wouldn't expect invites.
...Unless you talk about the wedding a bunch at work, in front of them, in which case it's rude to do so and not invite them.
So don't talk about the wedding at work, unless asked specifically, and keep it short.

Wedding gifts should never be expected, so telling people "don't worry about the gifts" translates as "I would normally totally expect you to give me a present but I'll act like I'm being gracious by telling you not to bring one... even though that will totally make it akward and make you feel guilty if you don't"
Don't mention gifts or registry on the invites in any way.

It shouldn't be a problem... if I was on the C-list at a tiered wedding, I doubt I'd be getting the couple a gift anyway.

ETA:
And I have to echo everyone else.
PLEASE consider inviting everyone to the full event.
You're essentially sending this invite:
"Spend part of your weekend to come see me in a pretty dress at an event where giving gifts is a very common tradition (even if I was oh-so magnanimous and told you not to bring one). You're not important enough to me to see the ceremony though. And let's not even pretend you're important enough for me to pay for your dinner. But don't worry about gifts despite my subliminal message of gifts gifts gifts...."

These are people you work with. They are people one day you might work for or who could have influence with people you'll work for.

If you're going to invite them to your wedding, invite them to your WHOLE wedding.

cbrown828 · February 2013

You have gotten a lot of good advice, and these subsequent posts make it seem like you aren't reading any of it.

If you invite your coworkers, you invite them to everything. Ceremony, dinner, dancing...everything. If you invite your coworkers, you invite them all. Even the new guys.

Also, receiving a STD is not a pre-req for receiving an invitation. It does not become a "surprise" because they didn't get a STD card (or pdf?) months before. I really hope you reconsider your plan and decide to host everyone properly. As Kristan said, you are going to see these people every day.

hoffse · February 2013

What I don't understand? These are people you probably spend more waking hours with than your FI. Seriously, treat them right.

stubbornmuse · February 2013

Don't let the etiquette police make you feel bad. It is your day - do what you want.

I agree inviting some people at the office to both and some to just the reception is tricky. How will they feel on Monday when everyone is talking about your wedding? That is awkward. If you wonder if something is the right thing to do - imagine yourself in their position -- such as the new people - if you were new to the office and someone was getting married - would you expect to be invited to such a special event in someone's life who you hardly know? And even if you were invited - would you go? Then decide. Some new people you click with immediately and some you don't.

We are having a very small ceremony with immediate family and very close friends only. And by close friends -- people we see outside of work and text/talk just about every day.

Everyone else is getting invited to the reception - it is at a different location so there is no worry that people will show up early and feel left out. But they are invited to the entire reception - not just a portion.

My fiance and I have probably 150 friends/aquaintances alone that we cannot possible fit into our ceremony venue nor do we want them at our ceremony - it is just for family. We want them to come celebrate with us at the reception along with the billion cousins my fiance has that he only talks to once a year at a reunion. No point in finding a huge venue for the ceremony just so we can fit all those people in.

Every situation is different.

If people are offended because you don't follow etiquette -- what is the worst that can happen? They don't come? If they care more about whether or not you followed etiquette than the fact that you are doing what works for you -- then they weren't important in your life to begin with.

As long as you aren't rude - inconsiderate - and treat others the way you hope to be treated - you will be fine. The entire point of the day is that you get married - not if you followed etiquette to the T that "someone" who knows when said you have to.

As far as emailing invites -- I'm on the fence about this one.

I have a huge problem paying 500 bucks for paper that gets thrown away by all but a few people. But I agree that a mass email going out to your address book feels a little impersonal.

I have an advantage anyway - my hubby to be is a filmmaker so we are making a video invite that is fun and will be emailed (personalized of course) -- and it literally costs nothing to do because he and his buddies can film and edit themselves since that is what they do for a living.

Just my 2 cents

mcda04 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-co-workers-to-reception-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf338e55-5321-430f-a644-7104785f7503Post:5a3cce65-a296-4fba-9b6a-9b3541816af3">Re: Inviting co-workers to reception only</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, we are probably hiring 2 more people this month. Would I be obligated to invite them since the rest of the dept is going, even though I don't even know them yet, or would they understand?
Posted by meschuster[/QUOTE]

No you're not obligated to invite ANY co-workers.

I would understand if you're having a private ceremony and then invited me to the FULL reception but inviting for drinks and dancing is rude. You're basically telling someone they're not good enough to be fed and hosted properly. Do you plan on having seats for these people?

A Co-worker of mine got married 4 years ago. He had a very expensive wedding with top of the line everything. NONE of us expected to be invited but one day, he comes to our department and says "so I'm getting married in two weeks and X's parent's can't afford to invite a lot of people but I still want to have a good time so you guys are more than welcome after 7pm for drinks and dancing"

H and I didn't go but about 15 co-workers showed up. Two girls from my department said it was the most awkward uncomfortable event they had ever been to. She said they didn't even have a place to sit so they all kinda stood in a corner and EVERYONE kept staring at them , oh and the invitation didn't include cake, when the servers passed it around, he just skipped them and everyone acted as if they weren't there.

kmmssg · February 2013

But they got STD's via email - she HAS already invited them.

TKzilla · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-co-workers-to-reception-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf338e55-5321-430f-a644-7104785f7503Post:88afa4cd-1061-42ce-b6f3-f09ae5ae89a1">Re: Inviting co-workers to reception only</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Don't let the etiquette police make you feel bad.</strong> It is your day - do what you want. I agree inviting some people at the office to both and some to just the reception is tricky. How will they feel on Monday when everyone is talking about your wedding? That is awkward. If you wonder if something is the right thing to do - imagine yourself in their position -- such as the new people - if you were new to the office and someone was getting married - would you expect to be invited to such a special event in someone's life who you hardly know? And even if you were invited - would you go? Then decide. Some new people you click with immediately and some you don't. We are having a very small ceremony with immediate family and very close friends only. And by close friends -- people we see outside of work and text/talk just about every day. Everyone else is getting invited to the reception - it is at a different location so there is no worry that people will show up early and feel left out. But they are invited to the entire reception - not just a portion. My fiance and I have probably 150 friends/aquaintances alone that we cannot possible fit into our ceremony venue nor do we want them at our ceremony - it is just for family. We want them to come celebrate with us at the reception along with the billion cousins my fiance has that he only talks to once a year at a reunion. No point in finding a huge venue for the ceremony just so we can fit all those people in. Every situation is different. If people are offended because you don't follow etiquette -- what is the worst that can happen? They don't come? If they care more about whether or not you followed etiquette than the fact that you are doing what works for you -- then they weren't important in your life to begin with. As long as you aren't rude - inconsiderate - and treat others the way you hope to be treated - you will be fine. The entire point of the day is that you get married - not if you followed etiquette to the T that "someone" who knows when said you have to. As far as emailing invites -- I'm on the fence about this one. I have a huge problem paying 500 bucks for paper that gets thrown away by all but a few people. But I agree that a mass email going out to your address book feels a little impersonal. I have an advantage anyway - my hubby to be is a filmmaker so we are making a video invite that is fun and will be emailed (personalized of course) -- and it literally costs nothing to do because he and his buddies can film and edit themselves since that is what they do for a living. Just my 2 cents :)
Posted by stubbornmuse[/QUOTE]

<div>No. Do not come to the etiquette board if you don't want to hear from the etiquette police. Do not murder someone in the police precinct's parking lot if you don't want to get caught by the actual police.</div>

auroraborealisabc · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-co-workers-to-reception-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf338e55-5321-430f-a644-7104785f7503Post:ff4f9174-b63c-4580-a48b-65d89547242e">Inviting co-workers to reception only</a>:
[QUOTE]This is kind of a controversial topic, but I'm doing it. I invited my bosses to the full wedding and am inviting the co-workers in my dept to the reception only (drinks and dancing, not dinner). Most of my co-workers are guys so I don't think they will take it personally, and I've mentioned a few times that we're keeping our wedding small. I was planning on emailing a reception only invitation (in PDF form, looks just like our invites but with different info). I previously emailed them a save the date and said to not worry about gifts, just come and celebrate with us. Do I need to reiterate that in the invitation? Or should I say something like, "Your presence is the only gift we request." I was planning on sending an individual email to each person with the PDF attached of the reception only invite. I feel like I should say something thoughtful about how we're keeping our wedding small but would love for them to join us at the reception. It seems like there's no good way to word it, but I don't want to just send a blank email with an attachment. I guess I could send the invites in the mail, but is that too formal for a reception only invite?
Posted by meschuster[/QUOTE]

...What???? Unless your ceremony is extremely private, as in only VERY close family, or religious requirements make it so barely anyone will be at the ceremony (I may have grown up LDS), anyone who is invited to the reception, is also invited to the ceremony. Period. This is very basic manners, common sense, and really there are no exceptions. I'm getting weirdly pissed just thinking about being one of your co-workers. Not only are they not good enough to watch your ceremony, but they're not even good enough for a real invitation. A PDF? Really!?!??! You're not inviting them to a frat party, or even your kid's birthday party. There is so much wrong here, you really need to take a long hard look at what you're doing. No no no no. I'm usually very polite about my criticisms, but... God.

Inviting co-workers to reception only

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