I Might Have to Smack Someone

ReturnOfKuus · June 2012

How does she know she doesn't belong, though? If it were just the engaged couple planning, then I'd agree. But the OP's mother is super-involved, and by her own admission is inserting her own wants and tastes (that the OP just happens to agree with). Why would the mother of the groom assume that there's a wacky double-standard rather than simply that mothers are very involved?

willywally5 · June 2012

I think it is somewhat unusual for a MOG to be overly involved. Maybe that's just me. Traditionally, they do the RD and that is about it. When my brothers were marrying, I can recall my late mother saying her job was to 'wear beige and keep her mouth shut.'

HOWEVER, if they are paying for the wedding or helping pay for it, they can indeed have input.

It also seems like OP and FI aren't very close to the FMIL, physically or emotionally. So it would be even more strange to have her overly involved.

ReturnOfKuus · June 2012

I have never known a mother of the groom to naturally butt out, especially if the mother of the bride is very involved. Never.

PMeg819 · June 2012

Traditional roles have gone out the window. If we we're going to go that route, DH and I are owed a honeymoon and rehearsal dinner from his parents. We didn't get either (and are completely okay with that).

Let's be real, traditional roles vary depending on the culture and area you are from. So pulling that out as an excuse is just ridiculous.

willywally5 · June 2012

And if the bride's parent weren't footing the entire bill, I also would throw tradition out the window. But they are. And groom's parents are not.

Neither time I have been married did my MIL say much at all. But again, I'm only speaking from my experience. Maybe the grooms' mothers I know just didn't give a crap.

I do think it's a regional/cultural thing as well.

ETA: I'm not trying to make an excuse. I've already indicated that I think this woman (the FMIL) is a nutcase, still think so and will own that. I think she is WAY out of line. If you ain't payin', you ain't sayin'

ReturnOfKuus · June 2012

We footed the entire bill, with neither set of parents contributing a dime (by our choice), and both mothers thought they should have a say in everydamnthing.

ReturnOfKuus · June 2012

I do think, though, that the OP should use all the decorations FMIL bought for the engagement party decor and tell her no thanks due to conflicting tastes when picking decorations for the actual wedding.

willywally5 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-might-have-to-smack-someone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:34c7a131-13a9-4e90-bc37-bb925e6a95a0Post:fe23f40a-69c3-437c-baa0-c9b6a71df9ce">Re: I Might Have to Smack Someone</a>:
[QUOTE]We footed the entire bill, with neither set of parents contributing a dime (by our choice), and both mothers thought they should have a say in everydamnthing.
Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]

<div>If you allowed it, that's fine. Some people don't want to do that. </div><div>
</div><div>The cake cutter FMIL bought, I'd use. Some stuff just doesn't matter. But if the rest didn't go with the theme/look/my tastes, I'd say thanks but no thanks.</div>

ReturnOfKuus · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-might-have-to-smack-someone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:34c7a131-13a9-4e90-bc37-bb925e6a95a0Post:88c27aa1-1e9f-4b73-a835-782d20af6f2d">Re: I Might Have to Smack Someone</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I Might Have to Smack Someone : If you allowed it, that's fine. Some people don't want to do that. The cake cutter FMIL bought, I'd use. Some stuff just doesn't matter. But if the rest didn't go with the theme/look/my tastes, I'd say thanks but no thanks.
Posted by willywally5[/QUOTE]

We allowed nothing, at all. We're okay with saying no. Most people seem not to be.

willywally5 · June 2012

Then I don't get it ... your and FI's mom felt they had to have input on everydamnthing but you had no problem saying no.

Then why isn't it OK for the OP to tell her FMIL to butt out? Or do you mean that she just hasn't been clear enough in telling her no?

TKzilla · June 2012

This post has 40 responses. We've already decided how to solve the problem, we've all agreed I'm a ungrateful brat and quite a "peach" and my mother-in-law-to-be is more than welcome to handle my wedding however she wants. Sooooooo can we just leave it alone? I'm sure there are other brides who need your... advice.

ReturnOfKuus · June 2012

The OP isn't telling MIL to butt out. She's asking her to decorate, then getting upset when she buys decorations. She's discussing wedidng details with the woman (like the dress) as though she wants her input, and then getting all pissy when her FMIL actually contributes to the conversation. She basically wants this woman to read her mind and agree with everything she thinks.

willywally5 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-might-have-to-smack-someone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:34c7a131-13a9-4e90-bc37-bb925e6a95a0Post:e60e2c36-b58e-4910-94ac-0cb1c724573f">Re: I Might Have to Smack Someone</a>:
[QUOTE]The OP isn't telling MIL to butt out. She's asking her to decorate, then getting upset when she buys decorations. She's discussing wedidng details with the woman (like the dress) as though she wants her input, and then getting all pissy when her FMIL actually contributes to the conversation. She basically wants this woman to read her mind and agree with everything she thinks.
Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>OK, I get it now. OP is sending big time mixed message to FMIL. Gotchya. Makes sense.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

TKzilla · June 2012

The horse is dead. Put the stick down.

ReturnOfKuus · June 2012

You don't get to decide when people stop talking about something, just because you're the one who brought it up. Kind of like how you don't get to decide what kind of responses you get on an internet message board, or what kinds of suggestions your FMIL will give when you open up a discussion of the wedding plans. Overall, this seems to be a real trend in your interactions with people. How old are you?

willywally5 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-might-have-to-smack-someone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:34c7a131-13a9-4e90-bc37-bb925e6a95a0Post:6878f936-539c-4e97-a5d1-3bb7aaadd00c">Re: I Might Have to Smack Someone</a>:
[QUOTE]This post has 40 responses. We've already decided how to solve the problem, we've all agreed I'm a ungrateful brat and quite a "peach" and my mother-in-law-to-be is more than welcome to handle my wedding however she wants. Sooooooo can we just leave it alone? I'm sure there are other brides who need your... advice.
Posted by CourtaniaLynn[/QUOTE]

<div>Actually, I think the crux of it is you need to communciate more effectively with FMIL. That's the key.</div>

TKzilla · June 2012

I'm 23. And the problem is already solved, or did you miss that post? I can ask that we move on to something else now. There are more than 40 posts on this topic, nearly all of which telling me how awful I am. 40 posts of negativity. So I think it's more than fair to say:

We have exhausted this topic. Why not go give some other brides your advice? Or is there something more you'd like to say about me? I think we've all agreed: ungrateful, tacky, a real "peach". Hard to get along with? I think that was implied. From one internet thread, you've apparently gotten a real feel for who I am as a person. How much longer will I have to read how terrible I am from people I've never met? Will you be satisfied when I'm in tears? Because I'm pretty damn close. Do you feel better now? Have you taught me a lesson? Should I delete my Knot account? Will THAT be enough for you? I swear to you I will never EVER post anything else on this website again that even remotely sounds like I'm asking for advice or support. Happy? Should I bow down to all those who posted on this thread and put me back in my place?

Please. Just leave it alone. You've done your job, I feel like sh*t. Thank you so much. Never mind anything I said earlier. I'm so done.

ElleB87 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-might-have-to-smack-someone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:34c7a131-13a9-4e90-bc37-bb925e6a95a0Post:3593a1cb-f412-45bf-ab7e-3d0e543c40fd">Re: I Might Have to Smack Someone</a>:
[QUOTE]The horse is dead. Put the stick down.
Posted by CourtaniaLynn[/QUOTE]

I'll do you a favour and teach you a quick lesson about the internet...you have no saw in what other people post, how they respond to your posts or how many times they respond to your/a post. We'll beat this horse until we can make burger patties if we darn well please.

TKzilla · June 2012

Willy, that is exactly the crux of it. That is the heart of the original problem (nearly 50 posts ago). I now I realize that. But then people look on this section of the board and see that "holy crap, that post has 50 responses! I bet that's a hot button topic!" and then more and more people get to add on to the thread.

I've been on the internet for awhile now, I know how it works. I just thought on The Knot people were kinder.

hwoychowski · June 2012

I would say about 12 of those posts were just a tangent from the original post and not including the OP. My ideas have been questioned here too. But if it upsets you stop looking onto the thread because in reality you cannot stop other people. Just take what yo ucan from it and move on.

GBCK · June 2012

Wzz · June 2012

TKzilla · June 2012

LMAO Fez.

hmonkey · June 2012

no on wants to talk about how mil and fi discussed and agreed to the barbeque, and yet only mil is to blame (that people are going to be forced to eat bbqm cornbread, mac and cheese, slaw and all the other delicious, delicious fixings)?

MinM · June 2012

Because "he came out of the Bible belt a Scotch-swishing Libertarian with a love for reggae music." SO HOW COULD HE BE TO BLAME?

Adurr, hmo. Don't you know how the internet works?

Heffalump · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-might-have-to-smack-someone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:34c7a131-13a9-4e90-bc37-bb925e6a95a0Post:3593a1cb-f412-45bf-ab7e-3d0e543c40fd">Re: I Might Have to Smack Someone</a>:
[QUOTE]The horse is dead. Put the stick down.
Posted by CourtaniaLynn[/QUOTE]
END
OF
REPLIES.

Can I quote an old Wonderw1fe-ism? "Braying like a damn mule."

Heffalump · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-might-have-to-smack-someone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:34c7a131-13a9-4e90-bc37-bb925e6a95a0Post:6416b74d-7aa0-4723-af2d-f55d82348c77">Re: I Might Have to Smack Someone</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm 23. And the problem is already solved, or did you miss that post? I can ask that we move on to something else now. There are more than 40 posts on this topic, nearly all of which telling me how awful I am. 40 posts of negativity. So I think it's more than fair to say: We have exhausted this topic. Why not go give some other brides your advice? Or is there something more you'd like to say about me? I think we've all agreed: ungrateful, tacky, a real "peach". Hard to get along with? I think that was implied. From one internet thread, you've apparently gotten a real feel for who I am as a person. How much longer will I have to read how terrible I am from people I've never met? Will you be satisfied when I'm in tears? Because I'm pretty damn close. Do you feel better now? Have you taught me a lesson? Should I delete my Knot account? Will THAT be enough for you? I swear to you I will never EVER post anything else on this website again that even remotely sounds like I'm asking for advice or support. Happy? Should I bow down to all those who posted on this thread and put me back in my place? Please. Just leave it alone. You've done your job, I feel like sh*t. Thank you so much. Never mind anything I said earlier. I'm so done.
Posted by CourtaniaLynn[/QUOTE]
You know, I'm starting to see where the FMIL is coming from here.

Also, OP, since you're still loitering, do you have an actual autism diagnosis? I was curious about the fleece thing. You don't really come off as autistic, so maybe you just compensate well, or maybe it's colloquial autism, the way people say "I have ADD" when they try to do five things at once. Is it maybe more of a sensory processing disorder? Just wondering. If you're high functioning, the MIL may forget that you have tactile or other issues because you probably seem "normal" to her.

dharmabunny · June 2012

In Response to Re:I Might Have to Smack Someone:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I Might Have to Smack Someone:I'm 23. And the problem is already solved, or did you miss that post? I can ask that we move on to something else now. There are more than 40 posts on this topic, nearly all of which telling me how awful I am. 40 posts of negativity. So I think it's more than fair to say: We have exhausted this topic. Why not go give some other brides your advice? Or is there something more you'd like to say about me? I think we've all agreed: ungrateful, tacky, a real "peach". Hard to get along with? I think that was implied. From one internet thread, you've apparently gotten a real feel for who I am as a person. How much longer will I have to read how terrible I am from people I've never met? Will you be satisfied when I'm in tears? Because I'm pretty damn close. Do you feel better now? Have you taught me a lesson? Should I delete my Knot account? Will THAT be enough for you? I swear to you I will never EVER post anything else on this website again that even remotely sounds like I'm asking for advice or support. Happy? Should I bow down to all those who posted on this thread and put me back in my place? Please. Just leave it alone. You've done your job, I feel like sht. Thank you so much. Never mind anything I said earlier. I'm so done.Posted by CourtaniaLynnYou know, I'm starting to see where the FMIL is coming from here.Also, OP, since you're still loitering, do you have an actual autism diagnosis?nbsp; I was curious about the fleece thing.nbsp; You don't really come off as autistic, so maybe you just compensate well, or maybe it's colloquial autism, the way people say "I have ADD" when they try to do five things at once.nbsp; Is it maybe more of a sensory processing disorder?nbsp; Just wondering.nbsp; If you're high functioning, the MIL may forget that you have tactile or other issues because you probably seem "normal" to her. Posted by Heffalump[/QUOTE]

I was wondering the same thing myself

TKzilla · June 2012

Wow. Just wow.

When I was a toddler, my parents noticed I rocked back and forth a lot. They also noticed I refused to touch certain things - velvet, fleece, microfleece and velour to be specific. I developed a nervous tic - my nose twitches constantly.

I wasn't considered autistic until I reached the age of 10. The doctors kept saying I'd grow out of it but I never did. I don't rock back and forth as much anymore but the tic remains and so does the incapabilty to touch some things. I don't like people touching my feet at all and I can never take my own nail polish off because the way the cotton ball feels on my nails freaks me out.

It's not something I like to talk about. As a child, the other kids used to call me Thumper and Peter Rabbit because of the way my nose twitches. I started drumming with my hands and feet to keep myself from rocking. I finger-spell in ASL when I get nervous. Not what I'm saying always, just random words that come to mind. My brain is a weird weird place. I have to keep my hands moisturized at all times because if I don't, I can't even touch my hands together or touch my fingers to my hands.

Maybe she forgot this, I don't know. It doesn't matter. Fiance uses the fleece blanket and I don't even touch it to wash it. He's on his own for that.

I REALLY hate talking about this. Can I just make that clear? I have always been and will likely always be extraordinarily self-concious about it. Honestly just having to talk about it with perfect strangers makes me cringe.

soontobehasrouni · July 2012

lol.....wow. for the record, if u invited me to two bbqs for wedding related stuff, I'd remember, and talk about u. also, your mil needs to learn to stfu....especially when she's not paying. u should remind her god hates passive agrrssives. honeymoon registries aren't tacky, its the honest way of saying "I wnt use whatever useless sh*t u buy me, let me help you spend your money wisely on something that won't suck.". Don't take comments on theknot too seriously....u know how ridiculous folks get when a wedding happens. all of a everyryone is a princess with perfect etiquette and manors and are prim and proper and adore their MIL. Don't feel bad, I'd be pissed too if someone put an arch anywhere near my wedding

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