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Frustrated Future Hubby - venting plus need your opinion

Pharo47Pharo47
100 Comments
in New Jersey
As some of you may now, I've been in the forefront of the wedding planning. My fiance has been extremely stressed with work this past 6 months so I went ahead and researched everything to help eleviate the stress on her. In addition, I'm the one that also keeps a strict eye on the wedding budget because we are paying for the majority of it but sometimes I'm not sure she is. During the planning I increased the budget pretty good to accomodate the better venue and our invite list grew bigger than expected so now I have to put my foot down on certain costs. Of course this causes conflict now but I'm trying to help her understand that there is life after the wedding!!! Any dollar spent now is one that is taken away from something else. I hate being the black cloud in everything. I would hope that she would start to think this way as well but I understand that this is an emotional thing.

So here is the newest dilema. My fiance fell in love with this nice balsamic and olive oil custom wedding favor. We hadn't seen it at a wedding yet so she was really excited about it. I was too until I saw the $8.50 price tag per bottle. Mind you, we originally had a 125 guest list which is now 203! I told her that we cannot afford this. To make things more interesting, her cousin who just got engaged, was with us the day we saw the wedding favors. She calls my fiance and asks her if she can use the favors for her engagement party since we haven't decided on what we are doing for the favors yet. I know that we cannot afford this. My fiance is now pissed at me and doesn't not want her cousin to use the olive oil idea even if we DO NOT use them for our wedding. She feels that it was her idea first and that he cousin should think of something else. Is this a bridezilla moment or am I being insensitive? I feel bad that we can't afford it. I wish we could do it but thats a lot of money. We got everything else that we wanted and I'm trying to make her understand that we can't have it all. I get that her cousin could have came up with her own idea but just let her have it if we can't do it. Any thoughts?
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Re: Frustrated Future Hubby - venting plus need your opinion

  • peaches178peaches178
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    It's 100% a Bridezilla moment and you're not being insensitive at all... you're being realistic and responsible. 

    In all honesty, I think you need to have a sit-down with your fiancee, because I feel like so often your posts are about how you just upped your budget over something that your fiancee "fell in love with" and I think at some point things are really going to come to a breaking point.  I get that she's super busy and stressed with work (we all are), but that doesn't excuse her lack of financial responsibility when it comes to the cost of your wedding, you know?  Especially if you had a budget set from the get-go.

    I'm sure she's a really great woman, so don't take this as me bashing her... it's just sometimes we all need a reality check.
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  • maddie7maddie7 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think you are smart to sticking to a budget esp with favors! THey are left many times on the table. Over an $8 favor is insane!!! Add that to the price you are paying per person. Im sure you can find something just as nice and more affordable. The only other option is to price out bottles and do it yourself. Buy a big container of Olive oil and seasonings and bottle it yourself and make your own labels.
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  • LADY324LADY324
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_frustrated-future-hubby-venting-plus-need-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:11c5755b-0f80-40a9-a219-6ed8013bc6abPost:3c04d144-b454-4f33-b6d9-fcf4fbc7a541">Re: Frustrated Future Hubby - venting plus need your opinion</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's 100% a Bridezilla moment and you're not being insensitive at all... you're being realistic and responsible.  In all honesty, I think you need to have a sit-down with your fiancee, because I feel like so often your posts are about how you just upped your budget over something that your fiancee "fell in love with" and I think at some point things are really going to come to a breaking point.  I get that she's super busy and stressed with work (we all are), but that doesn't excuse her lack of financial responsibility when it comes to the cost of your wedding, you know?  Especially if you had a budget set from the get-go. I'm sure she's a really great woman, so don't take this as me bashing her... it's just sometimes we all need a reality check.
    Posted by peaches178[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this $3,280 bucks it would cost for those favors.  I would rather put that towards the honeymoon.  You need to put your foot down sometimes it sounds like you budged a lot on other things so I would try to stick your ground with this one. 
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  • goaliegirlgoaliegirl member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_frustrated-future-hubby-venting-plus-need-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:11c5755b-0f80-40a9-a219-6ed8013bc6abPost:644d412c-df32-4f9b-97e8-c55319cc4739">Re: Frustrated Future Hubby - venting plus need your opinion</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Frustrated Future Hubby - venting plus need your opinion : I agree with this $3,280 bucks it would cost for those favors.  I would rather put that towards the honeymoon.  You need to put your foot down sometimes it sounds like you budged a lot on other things so I would try to stick your ground with this one. 
    Posted by LADY324[/QUOTE]

    Forget a HM..save it and put it towards a house!

    As far as you being insensitive..I think you are totally right in what you are trying to tell her and I think she is being a bit of a bridezilla by saying that the cousin can not use the favor idea even if you guys don't..that is crazy to me.   Maybe try to talk to her again and lay out everything that you have spent and how you have upped your budget already to try to get her to see things your way.

    IMO...don't go into debt over a wedding!!  We made sure everything was paid off when the wedding came along..we wanted no credit card debt from our wedding.
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  • mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    $3K+ just for favors? DAMN!

    I agree with the others - she's going a little nuts here and you're being reasonable. She doesn't have the right to lay claim on a mass-produced favor, and she really needs to calm down about this before she comes across as a greedy snot to her cousin for demanding that she choose another favor. NOBODY is going to give a flying fucck about olive oil favors, or who had them first, and once your wedding is over nobody is going to care about any of this (including you two). And I'm not trying to insult her, but she's going to come across as a grade-A biitch to her family and friends if she gets into an argument with the cousin about this. I'm sure she's a nice girl and I wouldn't want to see her ruin her reputation over something as stupid as olive oil.

    Did you guys settle on a definite budget cap, or have you just been adding in money here and there? If you have a cap set (we won't spend over $x), then I would put all of your expenses into a spreadsheet and show it to her. She might require some black-and-white numbers to really help this sink in. It might also help to say, "We already splurged on the venue and we increased the guest list - if we splurge on EVERYTHING then we're going to run out of money." Maybe followed by, "If you really want these favors, then we're going to have to cut back in another area, like flowers or the honeymoon or your dress and accessories."

    I would also do some research to see if there's a cheaper resource for these favors, or if there's a way you can make them yourselves. That could be a decent compromise.

    If nothing else, I would just wash my hands of it and say, "We've already allocated the entire budget to other areas, and we simply don't have the money for this. If you really want these exact favors then you need to pay for them yourself."

    I might also look her in the eye and say, "Stop and think about this, honey. You're willing to spend $3K and get mad at a relative over a CONDIMENT." Hopefully the silliness of all this will sink in.
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  • LADY324LADY324
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_frustrated-future-hubby-venting-plus-need-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:11c5755b-0f80-40a9-a219-6ed8013bc6abPost:5622735f-aa11-4c6b-b21b-92e6e880e141">Re: Frustrated Future Hubby - venting plus need your opinion</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Frustrated Future Hubby - venting plus need your opinion : Forget a HM..save it and put it towards a house! As far as you being insensitive..I think you are totally right in what you are trying to tell her and I think she is being a bit of a bridezilla by saying that the cousin can not use the favor idea even if you guys don't..that is crazy to me.   Maybe try to talk to her again and lay out everything that you have spent and how you have upped your budget already to try to get her to see things your way. IMO...don't go into debt over a wedding!!  We made sure everything was paid off when the wedding came along..we wanted no credit card debt from our wedding.
    Posted by goaliegirl[/QUOTE]

    Lol I already own a house so I always think extra cash towards the HM but you are right I would rather have a house first!
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  • cindyn9178cindyn9178 member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011

    If you definitely aren't using them for you favors, then she really shouldn't be telling someone else that they can't use them. Maybe she is holding on to the hope that you will change your mind?
    I agree with PP, would it be possible to make them yourselves? Do you have a pic of what they look like? I would think you could get glass bottles at Ikea or somewhere like that for cheap, and then big bottles of oil and balsamic from BJs or Costco and make them yourself.

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  • gymchick05gymchick05
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Did she have her shower yet? My FI LOVED the idea of candy apples as wedding favors and I liked them too- until we found out they were $8.50-$10 per person. I felt bad since there isnt much about the wedding he gets into, so if he loved the favor idea, I wanted to make it happen. Luckily, we both agreed it was stupid to spend that kind of money on favors. My mom instead got them as the favor for my shower (about 30 ppl so much more doable) and he still got to enjoy all the leftovers. Would that work for her? Or doing it yourself would save a ton.

    There are definitly stupid things I wanted for the wedding and "had" to have, and since I am the one doing the budget and basically paid for the wedding along w/ my parents (FI did the honeymoon), I did splurge on a few things in reason only knowing I could afford it and maybe I would skip something I usually spend money on to save for it (ex. not getting nails done, etc). What helps me put it in perspective is to look at the total $ amount and see what else it could get you. For instance, I would LOVE to include a huge raw bar at our cocktail hour, but couldnt justify the additional $18pp for 1hr of fish- that comes out to the cost of a week at an AI resort- and Id much rather that. Or its one to two mortage payments. Helping me look at it that way helps. So maybe showing her something like that.

    And I feel ur pain- Im 3 days away and have done basically everything myself- all wedding meetings, budgeting, paying, organizing, etc and Im totally done w/ it- in fact its 4pm and Im drinking already haha - much needed today :) Just explain to her u cant afford it, or look at her monthly spending (not urs) and see what she can cut out in the next few months to save an extra $3k for them- that will make it much less important- trust me! haha
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  • LiLgEeLiLgEe
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    if you do go with it, just do 1 per couple! that would cut cost, but still be pricey!
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  • ginabean82ginabean82 member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    100% Bridezilla.  'Nuff said.
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  • Little SpitfireLittle Spitfire
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011

    Ditto PPs, and I will add that, to me, as a guest, it would be an odd and not very useful favor.  I already have a set for my house and I don't need another one.  Favors are so minor and people really don't want more "stuff", so my advice is to keep it simple.  Plus, the cost is insane.  I paid less than $100 for my favors. 

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  • NicoleAnitaNicoleAnita
    10 Comments Second Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_frustrated-future-hubby-venting-plus-need-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:11c5755b-0f80-40a9-a219-6ed8013bc6abPost:5033ac5f-e11f-40b3-8c8b-fedc4f997448">Re: Frustrated Future Hubby - venting plus need your opinion</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think you are smart to sticking to a budget esp with favors! THey are left many times on the table. Over an $8 favor is insane!!! Add that to the price you are paying per person. Im sure you can find something just as nice and more affordable. The only other option is to price out bottles and do it yourself. Buy a big container of Olive oil and seasonings and bottle it yourself and make your own labels.
    Posted by maddie7[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>THIS!!!  DIY if she really wants it.  Using Avery labels and your home printer can do wonders :)</div><div>
    </div><div>Here are a couple bottle options I found after a quick search (and I am sure you can find more of exactly what you want):</div><div>-<a href="http://www.dollartree.com/kitchen-tableware/drinkware/Flatware/glass-oil-vinegar-bottles/213c264c378p310215/index.pro">http://www.dollartree.com/kitchen-tableware/drinkware/Flatware/glass-oil-vinegar-bottles/213c264c378p310215/index.pro</a></div><div>-<a href="http://www.crateandbarrel.com/kitchen-and-food/food-containers-storage/airtight-glass-bottle/s216669">http://www.crateandbarrel.com/kitchen-and-food/food-containers-storage/airtight-glass-bottle/s216669</a></div><div><a href="http://www.crateandbarrel.com/kitchen-and-food/food-containers-storage/airtight-glass-bottle/s216669"></a>-<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Oil-and-Vinegar-Dispenser-Bottle/dp/B001CDV9QI/ref=sr_1_1?s=home-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1307573385&sr=1-1">http://www.amazon.com/Oil-and-Vinegar-Dispenser-Bottle/dp/B001CDV9QI/ref=sr_1_1?s=home-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1307573385&sr=1-1</a></div><div><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Oil-and-Vinegar-Dispenser-Bottle/dp/B001CDV9QI/ref=sr_1_1?s=home-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1307573385&sr=1-1"></a>

    </div>
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  • Faith2730Faith2730 member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011

    I could see if you guys were still possibly considering using it as a favor.  If your not, I don't see why in the world she would care what her cousin uses. 

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  • mmontronimmontroni
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    A. Too expensive.
    B. Everyone already has some type of olive oil and vinegar in their house, unless they live under a rock.
    C. I think you're doing a wonderful job, and I hope she appreciates how much thought and effort you're putting into your wedding.
    D. In other words, I agree completely with pp's.
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  • buttrflyahbuttrflyah member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree with the PPs and personally think that is an insane amount to spend on favors. 

    With that being said, I feel like I understand where your FI is coming from.  I am the same way as her - when I have an idea I get REALLY excited and I want it bad and will do anything to make it happen. 

    Do your best to stall her to give her time to process how unrealistic it is.  Once the excitement of the idea wears off she will be thanking you that you didn't let her spend $3k on condiments.  Good luck!
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  • Pharo47Pharo47
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Hi everyone. I appreciate all the great feedback. To tell you the truth, this is probably the first real Bridezilla moment that she has had. Increasing the budget for the extra venue was a mutual decision so I didn't just do it for her, I did it for us. I also like fancy things but I choose to move forward with them after I have analyzed them in detail. I brought this up to show her that despite me disagreeing on the favors, I have compromised with her on other things to make the day a little fancier and I felt in was an added value. I'll take a look at some of the DIY suggestions that everyone has mentioned. I'm a little weary about the DIY projects because frankly....I'm tired. We are behind on a lot of the planning and got a late start on the meetings with the pastor and other things. We're also trying to find a place to live, plan out the furniture and the cost etc. There's been some personal issues that have also added to the stress but I can't discuss those things pubically. Obviously, that doesn't help with all the things that we have to do. Regarding finances. I have put enough money away that we are not putting any expenses on a credit card. Wedding, HM and the good portion of the furniture will be paid up front in cash (70% from us, remainder coming from my parents, her mom and my brother) . Despite having the available money for the wedding; there is money on the side that I have saved that is the DO NOT TOUCH MONEY. This is what I'm trying to not touch but we are coming dangerously close to it and that's why I've been a little edgy when things like this come up. Thank you for letting me vent. By the way $8.50 X 203 people is $1725 Tongue out not $3k. Either way it's a lot of money. Please don't take that the wrong way. I'm just busting chops
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