Not sure what to do.. maybe you all could help me

Megaboo1116 · April 2011

FI and I fell absolutely in love with our wedding/reception venue. We wanted to have an outdoors wedding and this place has the most beautiful ballroom for the reception. However, I've been trying to figure out the details of the ceremony as it's not a place that usually has outdoor weddings. It is a country club with a pool for club members. There are three different locations for a ceremony, but none of them have the ability to set up a sound system so our guests could hear the ceremony. On top of that, I just found out today that chairs are $3 a piece to rent.

So... we have to scrap the idea of the outdoors wedding at our reception venue. I'm heartbroken because the grounds are absolutely beautiful.

Now, FI said it would make more sense to do the ceremony in a church because we won't have all the rental fees. My heart was set on an outdoor wedding but given it's at the end of June, I also don't want to have my guests passing out from heat exhaustion. I'm willing to give that up so my guests stay healthy.

Our issue... FI is Catholic, I'm Lutheran. This is my second marriage... my first was in the church I belong to. This is his first marriage... what church should we have it at? Will the ceremonies be that much different? I know Catholics usually have a mass with their wedding ceremonies and Lutherans don't.

Ugh... any suggestions or stories of similar predicaments are appreciated... and how you handled it. Also, if any of you can suggest a creative way to have an outdoors wedding without breaking the bank, I'd appreciate it. FI and I are paying for this ourselves so we don't have a lot of money to work with.

Thanks so much in advance.

sklink0486 · April 2011

Do either one of you practice your religion? And how many guests are you having so that we know how much $3 per seat is? Churches can have hefty fees too...if you have 133 guests, that's about $400 which is about the cheapest church fee I've seen in my area.

GeauxTigers17 · April 2011

Churches can have very hefty fees. Ours is $850, and that doesn't include the priests' fees.

Just as a heads up - if you both practice and decide you'd like a Catholic marriage, you need to talk to his church. A Catholic church may not be willing to marry you unless you secure an annulment, as they don't recognize civil divorce. (I'm Episcopalian, but aside from my parents, most of the remainder of my family is Catholic). Your wedding is over a year away, though, so you have some time.

From what I understand, the Lutheran church is much more open.

I think your chair rental fees sound pretty reasonable (a friend was quote $7/chair for hers!) so I'm not sure what to tell you regarding the outdoor wedding other than shrink your guest list.

FinleyF · April 2011

Is there a park nearby that you may be able to use instead? If you're set on an outdoor wedding, you should continue to look around in your area and find something you love. Tent rentals are not too bad either, if you're worried about heat/weather.

If you do decide to go with the church setting, make sure you talk to the priest/minister beforehand and make sure they will work with you to sort out the details of an interfaith wedding.

Megaboo1116 · April 2011

Update- called my church to find out the fees and they're reasonable, however, the thing holding me back is that it would be my second wedding there. Ugh.

FI is calling his church to find out their fees. If the fees are similar to my church, then I think we will just go with his church.

I guess now I'm at the point where I'm asking WWYD as far as picking a church? I love my church and go regularly but FI doesn't go to his regularly. So, the obvious choice is my church but again, the fact that I got married there the first time keeps coming back to my thoughts. Grr! This all fell into place so easily... too easily I guess.

Like someone said, I have a while to figure it out... thanks to you all for your suggestions!

ChrislovesBarry · April 2011

Similar to the previous post...for a Catholic ceremony, you may have to get an annulment, which often times takes a long time. You also have to fulfil special classes with the Catholic Church. You should talk to the priest about your options.

TiffannieF · April 2011

Churches are still expensive (unless you are a member) so you may not save money with going with a church. I thought Catholics were very strict with who gets married there, I thought you would both have to be Catholic...not exactly sure but that's what all my Cathloic friends have gone through. Also Catholic churches have a lot of restrictions as far as dresses and what not, so ask about all their restrictions.

Maybe shop around for other churches. That's what I would do and have done. My church is WAY to big for our ceremony so I have decided to go to a different church. It took me about 9 months and I finally just decided on my church, so I know this can be stressful.

Have you tried other places for chairs? Grand Events does nice ones for $2.50 and cheaper (for cheaper ones)

If you plan on staying outstide provide water bottles (you can order customized ones with your names and wedding date through the knot) and fans with your program on them.

Good luck!

kevinandmonica2011 · April 2011

Are you really going to choose the church you get married in based on the price?? It's not exactly like car shopping....

I am Catholic and in order to get married in our church both bride and groom must be baptized Catholics and not married (which, as PPs said may mean an annullment for you)... if you don't really believe in the Cahtolic faith and if your Fi is not practicing... it really doesn't seem right to just use the church for their seats and air conditioning. I know other religions are much more relaxed, but the Catholic faith is quite strict and views marriage as a holy sacrament which requires a lot of preparation. Fi and I also had to attend 8 pre-cana classes (some churches do theirs over a weekend instead of 8 weekly classes).... in any case it's more than just setting a date and paying a rental fee.

Personally, given your posts so far, you do not at all seem concerned with the religious aspect of the ceremony, so I would check out other venue options besides a church. A hall, a park... something like that. and tbh- $3/chair really isn't all that bad.... you may be out more money if decide to go with a different venue.

Another option would be to just have the ceremony in the ballroom... lots of brides are going this route now to save some extra $$$.... it might be something worth looking into.

HTH

sklink0486 · April 2011

I agree with kevinandmonica. Think about your reasoning for going with a church ceremony. Are you really religious (and your fiance)? And do you really want to get married in a church because the seats are gonna be $3 a person, which isn't even that bad? Getting married in a Catholic church is NOT easy. At all. Unless you've been attending it for a very long time maybe. Choosing your Lutheran church doesn't sound too bad, except that you have been married there before and personally, I don't think I would be able to forget that.

bibliophile2010 · April 2011

I would really recommend that you don't see a church as a vendor, because, for most/many of us getting married in churches/places of worship, we are doing so because it is a sacred ceremony. I am Catholic and getting married in the Church is a holy sacrament, and a lifelong commitment between my FI and I before God. It is a really Big Deal.

If you pursue a church ceremony, please do it because the faith is really important to you. This gets me to meatier (rhetorical) questions for you and your fiance. Do you practice your faith? Does he? How are you going to raise your future children? How are you going to practice religion (or not) during your marriage? The answers to these questions should shape how you plan/design your marriage ceremony and help guide you to the appropriate ceremony venue.

If his faith is important to him, you guys need to talk to a priest ASAP, because the Church generally does not recognize non-Catholic weddings for Catholics as valid. Be aware, though, that the Catholic Church is not going to let you rent their building like a vendor. They will require an annullment -- this can take a long time, or it can be accomplished relatively quickly, depending on many factors. They will require some kind of Marriage Preparation. They will ask your FI to do his best to raise your children Catholic and they will ask you not to interfere with that promise. (No, you would not have to convert. No, you would not have to have a full mass. If you have other Catholic questions, the Catholic board is a great resource.)

GeauxTigers17 · April 2011

What church are you planning to attend post-marriage? Are you two going to start attending one or the other together? If so, I'd go with that one.

marinabreeze · April 2011

Catholics can marry non-Catholics in the Catholic Church generally. I once attended a wedding between a Protestant bride and a Catholic groom, and they had both a pastor and a priest perform it jointly in a Catholic church. But it does depend on the priest. Not all priests are open to interfaith/interdenominational marriage. And if you're divorced, you might have to get an annulment from your own church (I know they're expected of Catholics but I have no idea of how it works if the previous marriage was non-Catholic).

Stage, I guess I read it differently. I don't think that the OP is saying that her faith doesn't matter to her. And the idea of her marrying in the same building she married in the first time, I can see it being off-putting to her. But I think that what PPs are objecting to is that she appears to be deciding on the church wedding simply on cost without any of the other considerations that should go into whether or not one chooses a house of worship for their ceremony venue. That's how people shop for a regular vendor. I'll be honest, I'm a little put-off by that, but to each their own.

kevinandmonica2011 · April 2011

Stage- I didn't necessarily mean all Catholic churches follow the same set of rules (I don't have experience in all Catholic churches... only my own).... what I said/meant was at our church, both must be baptized Catholics and pre-cana and all that jazz.

As marina pointed out, and I totally agree, the biggest turn off was the idea of shopping for a church/religious venue based soley ony price, because for a religious ceremony held in a church- there is much more to it than just the rental fee, which it didn't seem that OP was aware of.

To each his own, for certain, and a ceremony held in a church is no more valid or meaningful than one held outside or in a barn for that matter.... but it may not be as simple to arrange as booking a regular vendor- especially a Catholic church.

Megaboo1116 · April 2011

I'm sorry I'm only seeing this now. I was feeling under the weather yesterday and hadn't been on the boards at all.

Please let me clarify because after reading all of your posts, I can see how I came across as "shopping"for a venue and that is totally not what I was trying to do. To be honest, my pastor of my church had already agreed to do my outdoors ceremony when that is what we were having. I grew up in the church I belong to and go regularly. My church is my family and it only makes sense for my pastor to do the ceremony.

However, my FI has expressed from the beginning that if we would have our wedding in a church, he would really like to consider his church. But after discussing this the other night, this idea was ruled out because of all of the things you ladies have expressed about the Catholic church. He will continue to go to his church after we are married but has said that our children can be raised Lutheran since my DD is already being raised Lutheran. Eventually he would like to become Lutheran as well but given this is the church he goes to with his family, he doesn't want to just leave the church altogether.

With that said, I appreciate what everyone has said on here. I really did not want to come across the way I did and I apologize it I offended anyone. The biggest issue for me was that I've already been married in the church I belong to and after talking with my pastor, this is no longer an issue. We have a sister church that we work regularly with and my pastor has placed some calls to that church to see if they would mind holding our ceremony there.

Thank you all again for your responses. It definitely helped me put things into perspective. I've been getting too caught up in the budget/planning of this that I temporarily lost sight of the why.

kevinandmonica2011 · April 2011

Thanks for clearing things up, OP. I am very happy to hear that you have worked with your pastor to find a solution that works for you and your Fi! Best of luck!

Lauren12182011 · April 2011

I'm Catholic but my FI isn't--he's never even been baptized. He was also married before. We are definitely getting married in/at my Catholic Church. We have to do a "mini" annulment through the Bishop and from a council in Rome. (It's a lengthy process). Our priest has no problems with the marriage---but that's because FI and I have agreed that we will raise my son and any kids we have Catholic. It sounds like you'll be raising your kids in your church, so that would be a bigger issue than your previous marriage. There does NOT have to be a full Mass involved with a Catholic Wedding. Priests are limited to a certain number of Masses they can say in a weekend (without getting special permission from the Bishop). Since my priest is the only priest in my church, he already says the max. We've decided to hold the rehearsal dinner after Saturday evening Mass (and allow those who are Catholic to attend), so our Sunday wedding won't include a Mass. I do understand wanting a different venue for your upcoming wedding, and it really sucks that the 1st one fell through!!! I hope you find someplace wonderful!!!

meep2 · April 2011

Just something to consider (and I hope I'm not adding more confusion to the mix, since it sounds like you'd come to something of a resolution): you mention that your husband has said that he's willing to have a Lutheran wedding, but continue going to Catholic church after you're married. He may want to consider that he cannot continue to receive communion in the Catholic Church after your marriage if he does not have a valid Catholic marriage. The Church considers it grave sin to continue to do so.

(I feel like I keep regurgiating Canon Law all over the boards, but I do think that forwarned is forarmed, so to speak. There are people whose religion doesn't mean a lot to them until something happens in their life, and then they turn to it, at which point the sudden change can become a strain in that person's marriage. Giving up the Eucharist is a huge sacrifice, and is a decision that should be made with full knowledge on both sides.)

Not sure what to do.. maybe you all could help me

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