Let's talk about weight

Smash Adams · July 2012

Stole this one from GBCN too. Fvck it.

How much does weight matter to you in your partner? Would you ever tell your SO to lose weight? Would you kick assss if they told you that you should lose weight?

adfoster77 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_lets-talk-about-weight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:59d93881-b8f3-4082-8a08-0a78681cb59aPost:e540df2f-d79f-47ea-a5ea-a5dc23256d6d">Let's talk about weight</a>:
[QUOTE]Stole this one from GBCN too. Fvck it. How much does weight matter to you in your partner? Would you ever tell your SO to lose weight? Would you kick assss if they told you that you should lose weight?
Posted by Smash Adams[/QUOTE]

Health is very important to both of us. If either of us goes off track, we gently let eachother know. Harsh words are never used, and we both appreciate this as neither of us is happy when we don`t look & feel our best. I have absolutely no problem with this. I appreciate it. So does he.

chelseamb11 · July 2012

I don't think weight matters THAT much to H. We both are a little heavier-set, but I also know if it got to the point of either us getting to an unhealthy point, neither of us would be afraid to say anything to the other. Idk how I'd react TBH because he hasn't done it. I'm sure I'd be hurt, but in the end I know he's just wanting me to be healthy.

Wiscisbliss · July 2012

Honestly, it does matter some. But, I think it is more about health. If DH got heavy I would be worried about his health. I don't want him to be at greater risk for heart disease, diabetes, etc.

Smash Adams · July 2012

Weight is a super sensitive topic for me. Being told that I need to lose some would be a HUGE deal in my book. I'm aware that I'm overweight, I don't need someone else to remind me, certainly not someone I'm close to. My dad used to pull that BS and I would be furious with him.

I don't really think weight matters much to me in a partner, either. I wouldn't tell someone else they needed to lose weight, because, like I said, I'm quite certain they're aware of it and I wouldn't feel it was my place.

maratea · July 2012

It matters somewhat. I'm not at all into skinny dudes, but at the same time, I want someone who is physically able to do activities.

I would only tell him if I thought his weight was becoming a detriment to his health and it worried me. I'd like to have him around as long as possible.

No. H likes booty meat, so I think if he told me I needed to lose weight, it would be the same as my concern- health issues and worrying about me. He doesn't care that there's plenty o' junk in the trunk.

KateJ10 · July 2012

lol Smash. I have seriously been considering stealing from them for quite a while now.

How much does weight matter to you in your partner? it does, quite a bit. If I am able to keep myself in decent shape, I think he should too. Plus, I want him as healthy as possible, because if we don't have kids, then it will just be the two of us for a long time.

Would you ever tell your SO to lose weight? Yes. But that is hard to do without pissing someone off. I asked H a few times if he was going to join a gym and he got really pissy about it. But he had been talking about it for a long time and used to be really active when we started dating.

Would you kick assss if they told you that you should lose weight? No, if I put on weight and was being unhealthy then I really don't think I would be upset about it. ha this is what I say now.

cheeseandrice · July 2012

I'm the one that needs to lose weight (obviously not while pregnant, but I did before I got KU and will try once baby is here.)

H has gained a bit since we started dating, but still less than me. And he's still healthy, so meh. I only said something about it once he started talking about how he doesn't like his weight. I said something, because I had been feeling the same way, and it was a chance for us to talk in general. It was actually really good, because it was teh start of a pretty big overhaul in our eating habits.

I asked him if it bugged him that I had gained so much weight. (I was overweight when we first met, but totally healthy and not that big- like a size 12? But I gained about 50 pounds since then in 8 years... partly diet, partly a new office job, and partly IUD bullshit.) He's way too nice and said it didn't matter, he still loved me, blahblahblah. But I had to tell him that I needed an honest answer, because I needed someone to kick my ass into gear. I remember a few weeks later he finally said something and I honestly only felt better, and trusted him more.

I think it's healthy (and necessary) to approach your SO about it if you're owrried. It's one thing if they gain 5 pounds and you're all "you're not hot enough anymore.' It's another if you're genuinely concerned about them. I think you should have that ability in a relationship, to be honest... as long as you approach it from the right angle.

lindseyann410 · July 2012

H and I are built totally differently. He can get a bit of a tummy, but he's slimmed down for the wedding.

I don't think I'd ever tell him to loose weight, mostly because I still love him even when he has a bit more cushioning and I know him well enough that he doesn't let himself get over a certain point that he's comfortable with.

He hasn't told me to lose weight, mostly because I haven't really gained any since college. However, I have lost a ton of muscle definition and strength because I never work out and haven't for the past 5 years. He gets mad and tells me to do something about it if I don't like it. I'd probably be hurt if he said I was getting fat.

Smash Adams · July 2012

First thing I asked XH when he told me he wanted a divorce was if it was because I had gained weight. He said no (and turns out, that clearly wasn't why), but I'm still convinced that if I hadn't gained weight, he would've been less inclined to stray.

I need to go to therapy, I think.

SpartanCat · July 2012

My BF and I are both very conscious of how much we weight (me almost obsessively so) so it's not really necessary for either to say anything to one another. We're more likely to point out our problems with ourself to the other. If he was to mention it to me though, I would be upset.

AdeleDazeem · July 2012

How much does weight matter to you in your partner? I like 'em on the stocky side and I'm quite generous with the word "stocky."

Would you ever tell your SO to lose weight? If he was obese and it was affecting his health, of course I would. Otherwise? Nah.

Would you kick assss if they told you that you should lose weight? Yes, but only because I have personal weight goals for myself. If I do end up overweight at some point, I'm sure I'd already be thinking "time to shape up!"

kaceymarie · July 2012

he wouldn't. he just wants me to be happy.

acaponi87 · July 2012

It matters to H more than me, though I think he puts more pressure on himself than on me. He is in shape but has a bit of a tummy that he doesn't like (I don't mind, I dated real skinny guys before and I don't like it as much). I'm closer to "too skinny" than "too fat" so sometimes he gets on my ass about eating more.

We workout together regularly and try to cook healthy so we have a good lifestyle going. H once tried to tell me that I couldn't gain a lot of weight when I get KU. He tried to put like a number on it. I almost killed him. I couldn't believe that. I do whatever I need to do to make sure our baby makes it happy and healthy into the world. If I gain 65 pounds you will f'n deal with it.

I wouldn't mind telling him if he needed to lose and I know he would do the same if I needed it. Though I think both of us would know and bring it up on our own first.

maratea · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_lets-talk-about-weight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:59d93881-b8f3-4082-8a08-0a78681cb59aPost:e52911c4-9259-4bee-b9ab-2d07166ad8be">Re: Let's talk about weight</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Let's talk about weight : Oh lord, me either. I'm way too self conscious about my own weight. I just couldn't date anyone with a smaller ass than myself. I like that my H is on the bigger side just so long as he keeps healthy.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]
I've just never been attracted to skinny men, or even muscular men that were still a bit wiry. I've always liked men that are 6' or taller and fuller, probably because I'm fairly tall and just larger in general.

AdeleDazeem · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_lets-talk-about-weight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:59d93881-b8f3-4082-8a08-0a78681cb59aPost:819a1d39-615e-484e-af82-96b204641577">Re: Let's talk about weight</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Let's talk about weight : I've just never been attracted to skinny men, or even muscular men that were still a bit wiry. I've always liked men that are 6' or taller and fuller, probably because I'm fairly tall and just larger in general.
Posted by maratea[/QUOTE]

100% with you.. skinny guys do nothing for me. Skinny guys in skinny jeans? Oh, get away from me.

maratea · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_lets-talk-about-weight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:59d93881-b8f3-4082-8a08-0a78681cb59aPost:2793d0ce-62a2-439e-b91e-95af0edc245b">Re: Let's talk about weight</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Let's talk about weight : 100% with you.. skinny guys do nothing for me. <strong>Skinny guys in skinny jeans? Oh, get away from me.</strong>
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]
So much this. If I can see the outline of a diick in your pants, they're too tight.

NicoleSahara · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_lets-talk-about-weight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:59d93881-b8f3-4082-8a08-0a78681cb59aPost:1b1f7771-db6b-4ca9-88fa-e6c005e781de">Re: Let's talk about weight</a>:
[QUOTE]First thing I asked XH when he told me he wanted a divorce was if it was because I had gained weight. He said no (and turns out, that clearly wasn't why), but I'm still convinced that if I hadn't gained weight, he would've been less inclined to stray. I need to go to therapy, I think.
Posted by Smash Adams[/QUOTE]

:(. Smash, your XH strayed because he was a jackass idiot who took you for granted. It had nothing to do with your weight.

acaponi87 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_lets-talk-about-weight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:59d93881-b8f3-4082-8a08-0a78681cb59aPost:2793d0ce-62a2-439e-b91e-95af0edc245b">Re: Let's talk about weight</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Let's talk about weight : 100% with you.. skinny guys do nothing for me. Skinny guys in skinny jeans? Oh, get away from me.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

The guy I dated before H used to wear my jeans :( :( :(
Those were dark days...

shaydenise · July 2012

How much does weight matter to you in your partner? I care about H's weight but that's because he needs to gain weight for health reasons so it's not really the same thing (at least not for appearance reasons).

Would you kick assss if they told you that you should lose weight? No, I would probably shut down. I wish I was one of those people that could just say fuuuck off if someone said that but I'm not. I have terrible self esteem/body image issues as it is, plus I've had an eating disorder. H would never say anything like that to me.

And Smash, I totally agree with Nicole. Your XH is a jackasss and that's why he strayed.

jennamarie10 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_lets-talk-about-weight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:59d93881-b8f3-4082-8a08-0a78681cb59aPost:5f484c0f-9d58-4932-8c94-d77702114335">Re: Let's talk about weight</a>:
[QUOTE]. This may be flameful, but I don't think it's right to just sit back silently while your partner packs on the pounds. Yes, adults are responsible for their own weight, and weight is a touchy topic, but if your paretner's body changes a lot it impacts you too. (Level of activity they can do, their health, if their attitude changes along with the weight, etc).
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

I agree that you should definitely tell your partner if you are concerned, but-and I personally know that I'm guilty of this-it's so hard to not cross the line from helpful to hurtful. Like I want to encourage H to exercise more, but if I say "Why don't you take the dog on a nice jog today?" he automatically will think I want him to lose weight.

jennamarie10 · July 2012

To answer the question though, yes it matters to me. I'd love to be smaller for appearnce and clothes wise but I absolutely won't kill myself over it. Not worth it.

On the other hand, I truthfully think I would be more attracted to H if he lost a little weight. Not in an omg, I can't stand how fat you are kind of way, but in a omg, I love how much energy you have and how you've been concious about your acitivity and eating habits!! kind of way.

Nebb · July 2012

Adam has never said I need to lose and has never seemed troubled by my weight fluctuations throughout our relationship. He does sometimes ask me if I should go work out when I get moody about my weight though, but he knows when I work out I don't act as crazy. I tell him all the time he needs to gain weight though.

Smash Adams · July 2012

You guys are so nice.

I'm pretty sure it would be a really bad thing if a S/O pointed out that I need to lose weight, especially because BF knows about disordered eating issues. Though he'd not ever do something like that, I don't think.

shaydenise · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_lets-talk-about-weight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:59d93881-b8f3-4082-8a08-0a78681cb59aPost:546c2fb3-6d27-4721-b7ca-7e0024444a22">Re: Let's talk about weight</a>:
[QUOTE]To answer the question though, yes it matters to me. I'd love to be smaller for appearnce and clothes wise but I absolutely won't kill myself over it. Not worth it. On the other hand, I truthfully think I would be more attracted to H if he lost a little weight. Not in an omg, I can't stand how fat you are kind of way, but in a <strong>omg, I love how much energy you have and how you've been concious about your acitivity and eating habits!! kind of way.</strong>
Posted by jennamarie10[/QUOTE]

<div>I totally get this. It's not even about how someone physically looks, it's just <em>so </em>attractive to see him being active and taking care of himself. Totally get that. </div>

kroot87 · July 2012

How much does weight matter to you in your partner?
If he were to become overweight to the point where it put his health in jeopardy, it would be a serious issue. He's actually very thin (6'3, 165ish), so my concerns tend to be on the other end of the spectrum. It's hard to keep weight on this guy!
Would you ever tell your SO to lose weight?
Given my answer to the previous question, I don't think I'll ever have to. But if the situation were to arise, I would definitely address my concern for his health.
Would you kick assss if they told you that you should lose weight?
At the weight I am now, I'd kill him. I weigh about 10 lbs more than I did when we started dating. I do feel that you have a responsibility (I don't love that word choice, but I don't have anything better) to your partner to maintain your appearance to the best of your ability. Of course weight gain under all kinds of different circumstances is going to happen, especially over the course of a lifetime.. But I think that if FI marries me today at 150 or whatever lbs, and I gain 100 lbs for no reason, he got a bum deal.
So truthfully, if I gained a lot of weight, I'd want FI to say something.

celticmyss · July 2012

I think the brining up weight concerns is a lot about delivery. My ex-bf basically told me I needed to lose weight because he was no longer attracted to me.

FH only suggests I go to the gym when I have been bitching about my weight but slacking on exercise. I don't think he cares about me losing weight for looks but I know he would love it if I could be more active with him.

Honestly, if he was super fit it would be hard for me. I have enough self esteem issues. Right now he has awesome arms and legs and a little bit of a beer gut which totally works for me.

I did say something to him when he changed jobs and was no longer riding a bike for a living about him having to change his eating habits. That was really for health reasons though since he lives on cheese steaks and wings.

snuff9861 · July 2012

How much does weight matter to you in your partner? It depends. When FI and I first started dating he was a beanpole. He was also 16. Since then, he's filled out and gained a bit of weight, but it doesn't bother me at all. Like PPs have said, it would start to matter if it was becoming a health issue.

Would you ever tell your SO to lose weight? Yes I would if again it was becoming an issue in terms of health. If you can't be honest with your SO, then who can you be honest with?

Would you kick assss if they told you that you should lose weight? No. FI has told me that if I am unhappy with the way I look then I should try loosing the weight. He personally doesnt care what I weigh, as long as I am happy and healthy. I've put on about 50 lbs since I was 17, mainly due to an injury that sidelined me and made me become less active. I'm almost completely healed now (8 years later) and hopefully can get back into shape and feel good about myself again.

andrea2473 · July 2012

It matters to an extent. Luckily, H and I have very similar eating/exercise/weight fluctuation patterns so it doesn't really come up. We both fluctuate about 10 lbs (well more like 15-20 for him since he's bigger than me) throughout the year. We love working out but aren't always as strict about it as we should be. The good thing is that we mimic each other. Like if I'm feeling a little paunchy, I'll start high-tailing it to the gym more or hop on my bike. And H will do it too without discussing it. And vice versa. We motivate each other in a way.

And if anyone ever said anything about my weight for any reason other than concern, I would not handle it gracefully.

baystateapple · July 2012

How much does weight matter to you in your partner? Healthiness matters. I don't mean "run a marathon" healthiness, I mean taking care of one's self. I don't want to worry that you're going to drop dead due to cholesterol, HBP, or a heart attack.

Would you ever tell your SO to lose weight? I think that it's important to be able to maintain a relationship where if you are legitimately worried about your SO's health, you can say "Hey, I'm concerned, maybe you should look into seeing a dietician or losing some weight", and not have the person fly off the handle.

Would you kick assss if they told you that you should lose weight? Depends entirely on the context. What I wrote above? Awesome way to handle it. "Hey, fatty, put down the donuts"? Yeah. Not so constructive.

LesPaul · July 2012

How much does weight matter to you in your partner? It's important to me, but more from a health perspective. I want to be with someone who will still be doing outdoor activities 20 years from now. Someone grossly obese would be a turnoff, but DH will never go there.
Would you ever tell your SO to lose weight? I would encourage activities to get him (and us) moving and eating better, but I wouldn't be mean about it. I've been on the receiving end of 'you're never going to be thin enough for me' so I know how much it can hurt.
Would you kick assss if they told you that you should lose weight? DH has a huge issue with weight, primarily because of his xW (who outweighs me by ~100 lbs, and I'm not exactly petite). He sometimes comes across as insensitive, but he never directly says anything like 'whoa, there, put the fork down'. It's more badgering about daily exercise than comments about how I look.

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