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Moms and Maids
mt4sbwy
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She wants to wear pants!
I asked my two best friends to be bridesmaids. Neither of them is terribly girly, but they will wear dresses and skirts; I am the definition of pretty fairy princess. I told them "Pick a dress in blue, green, purple, or copper, and take a picture so I can approve it before you buy it." That is ALL I am asking them to do for the wedding - that and show up on the day of and smile.
So last night I get an e-mail. One of them has found a shirt to wear. It's a sheer brown chiffon thing that's cut waaaay down low and has weird mesh insets with gaudy gold embroidery. She wants to wear it with tight slacks. And she's already bought it. Oh, and they've both dyed their hair - one blue, one purple.
We are having a formal wedding in a Catholic church. Better than half our guests are over 50. How do I tactfully say no way to pants?
So last night I get an e-mail. One of them has found a shirt to wear. It's a sheer brown chiffon thing that's cut waaaay down low and has weird mesh insets with gaudy gold embroidery. She wants to wear it with tight slacks. And she's already bought it. Oh, and they've both dyed their hair - one blue, one purple.
We are having a formal wedding in a Catholic church. Better than half our guests are over 50. How do I tactfully say no way to pants?
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Re: She wants to wear pants!
I understand what you're saying - but I'm not sure there's a tactful way to say it. Just tell them what you've written in your post. That you're having a traditional Catholic wedding and that it's important to you that they wear dresses. You only get the one day - you're friends should understand that.
My_Planning_Bio
There is nothing wrong with them choosing to wear pants, as there are plenty of great women's formalwear options that don't require a skirt. And the color of their hair is also not relevant, and most certainly not something you have a say over. But asking her to avoid very low-cut tops and skin-tight pants isn't unreasonable.
This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.
Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.
Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
1) You have no say over her hair color, unfortunately. Same goes for piercings, tattooes, etc. Just let that one go.
2) Have you even asked her why she selected that outfit? There could be any number of reasons - she put on weight and doesn't feel comfortable in a dress. She couldn't find a dress she liked. She couldn't afford an expensive bridesmaid dress. She couldn't find something that fit into your parameters. Until you know her reasoning for that choice, it's hard to really know what to even say/do.
3) If it boils down to price or being unable to find a style she liked, I would very politely tell her, "that's a cute outfit, but it would probably be more appropriate, considering the formality of the wedding, if we could find a dress that you like." While it was very considerate of you to give her so much freedom in the selection of her dress, that might be a bit daunting to her. I would consider providing her with a specific store and colors she could pick from - e.g. "Any dress from David's Bridal in Juniper, Cognac, or Plum would work!" That gives them their choice of color, cut, length, and price.
4) If it boils down to that she'd feel genuinely uncomfortable in a dress, you may want to consider biting the bullet and letting her wear a formal pants-based outfit or a suit. There are outfits that involve pants that would be completely suitable for a wedding:
http://www.alfredangelo.com/Collections/ProductDisplay.aspx?productID=d92e1cc1-c351-4802-bfe1-20724eaa2d7b&categoryID=01192db8-bf9e-425c-a67c-e0e9484157ae&pg=1&colorId1=
http://www.alfredangelo.com/Collections/ProductDisplay.aspx?productID=a86204f4-34c4-4373-a9ef-a70740e3246c&categoryID=01192db8-bf9e-425c-a67c-e0e9484157ae&pg=1&colorId1=
http://www.thebridalshop.com/montage/16949.
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"Oceana swings from logical to anus punching." - Buttons
Planning / Married / Blog
"If you can't think of something nice to say, don't say something nice" - Stephen Colbert
Good luck!
[QUOTE]It sounds like you were clear on what you expected so I think you have the right to be annoyed. As it is a church wedding, you could use that as your reason that she needs to re-think her choice. In any other circumstance, I would suggest that you let it go but, by her agreeing to be a bride's maid, she agreed to follow a few rules. <strong>Some brides are very specific over hair, makeup, jewlery, etc</strong>. All used asked for was a skirt or dress in a certain color. Talk to her and see what she is willing to do. If she is not willing to be flexible then you have some choices to make. Good luck!
Posted by redheadedgeek[/QUOTE]
Any bride who is specific about that stuff is in the wrong, slightly less so if she's footing the bill, but not by much. Sorry, but dictating those details is very controlling.
I understand how the low-cut blouse or the tightness of the pants could be an issue, but I don't really know any churches that forbid pants on women altogether. I was raised Catholic and went to church every Sunday, and I went wearing pants from pretty much the moment I could pick out my own clothes. So unless you've heard from your priest that all women present must be in dresses, using that as an excuse to veto pants altogether would be lying.
This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.
Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
And the shirt sounds like it would be great for a club.
Question, but does your friend usually wear club clothes to church?
I have no idea why you are worried about their hair color if your wedding isn't until July. Surely it doesn't matter what their hair color is now. Not that it should ever matter, I'm just saying, it's unreasonable that you are upset with what their hair looks like in November for a July wedding.
AKA GoodLuckBear14
http://christianblogs.christianet.com/1138306191.htm
As a guest, I am all for following certain cultural guidelines out of respect for my hosts.
But that doesn't make it right to force such guidelines on women.
That's all I have to say.
Also..I have no idea why this is in italics. It won't stop. haha
[QUOTE]I understand what you're saying - but I'm not sure there's a tactful way to say it. Just tell them what you've written in your post. That you're having a traditional Catholic wedding and that it's important to you that they wear dresses. You only get the one day - you're friends should understand that.
Posted by cyn1812000[/QUOTE]
I like this advice.
[QUOTE]I would definitely let her know that pants aren't okay. I think this is something that a bride can be adament about. When someone agrees to be a bridesmaid they're basically agreeing to wear a dress for the day. Especially at a Catholic ceremony. At my sister's ceremony we had to cover our shoulders because the priest refused to marry them if our shoulders were showing. (Not a Catholic rule, just one from the priest who was marrying them.) Also..I have no idea why this is in italics. It won't stop. haha
Posted by orangecrush32[/QUOTE]
My Baptist SIL insisted that we wear shawls with our spaghetti strap dresses in the church for her Catholic wedding out of respect. Almost every wedding I've attended has been in the Catholic church and I will say that almost everyone would have been asking "WTF" if they saw bridesmaids in pants and a few older guests would be downright angry. I grew up in the liberal Jesuit Catholic churches and this would not have flown even there.
I like the idea of wearing them for the reception if she likes.</div>
AKA GoodLuckBear14
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: She wants to wear pants! : My Baptist SIL insisted that we wear shawls with our spaghetti strap dresses in the church for her Catholic wedding out of respect. Almost every wedding I've attended has been in the Catholic church and I will say that almost everyone would have been asking "WTF" if they saw bridesmaids in pants and a few older guests would be downright angry. I grew up in the liberal Jesuit Catholic churches and this would not have flown even there. I like the idea of wearing them for the reception if she likes.
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]
FI and I are Catholic and having a Catholic mass for our wedding. Although some Catholic churches do have requirements for covered shoulders or no low cut tops, I've never heard of a Catholic church (in the US at least) with a no-pants rule. I agree that many traditional guests would find pants on a BM really strange, but I don't think I would picture anyone being angry. Women wear pants to mass all the time.
That being said, I do agree that a BM wearing pants would seem out of place and not in-line with the formality of the wedding. I think there are two issues here:
1. The particular outfit the BM has picked out tight pants and a low-cut top. It's perfectly fine to tell her that outfit is not appropriate for the church and that she needs to find something more conservative to wear.
2. The fact that the BM wants to wear pants. Generally, I don't think it is unreasonable to expect a BM to wear a dress. However, I would make exceptions if she is really uncomfortable in dresses and never wears them. I think the key here is finding out why this BM picked out a pants outfit. Did she already own the pants outfit and is trying to save money by not buying a dress? Is she self-concious about the way she looks in dresses? You need to determine her reasoning before you can decide whether or not it is worth pressing her to pick out a dress.
You even asked for pictures to get approval. If this is something she will wear out to the club or on her own, then tell her to keep it, wear it clubbing, but please choose a dress in one of the 4 colours to wear to the wedding.
This is not an issue of feminism within the church like it sounds some people are making it out to be. Catholic women wear pants all the time to church and nobody does a double take. The point is that a Catholic wedding is generally a traditional wedding, you would like your bridesmaids to look like they belong in a traditional wedding party, and you have set very generous guidelines about how the can go about doing so. My personal opinion is that there are very few requirements for bridesmaids, but one of them is to wear a dress or shirt and skirt/pants in the color, style and level of formality requested by the bride (but it's a little ridiculous for the bride to dictate exact shoes, make up, jewelry, etc). By agreeing to be a bridesmaid, you agree to wear an outfit with those restrictions in mind. The sad thing is, there is no great way to break it to your friend, who has (quite rudely) put you in an awkward position by purchasing an outfit she knew did not fit the guidelines you had given her. You just have to call her up and explain to her that while you love her style, you are having a traditional style wedding and you need her to wear a dress or skirt that is more reflective of this. Now, if she fires back that she does not feel comfortable wearing anything except for pants, your options are either a) to allow her to do so, but pick out specific pantsuites for her to choose from that will match the formality/style of your wedding so that she understands what she will need to wear, or b) break it to her that if she does not feel that she would be comfortable in the dress code required for the bridal party, you will be honored to have her as a guest.
P.S. I love your username!
Personally, I see no problems with BMs wearing pants, as long as the bride is okay with it. It seems that you have been very open and generous with what you have asked of your BMs. From what you said in your OP, she has worn dresses before, so it shouldn't be a problem for her to wear a dress for a couple of hours on your wedding day. I would do what many other people of suggested and simply say that while you love her individual style, this outfit does not seem appropriate or fitting for the atmosphere of your wedding and that you would like it if she could find a dress that would be more suiting.
Talk to her sooner rather than later so that she is not under the impression that her outfit is fine, then you're the brat bc you "all of a sudden" changed your mind.
Pants are perfectly acceptable, if they are formal enough. ManyBM dress designers have pants lines. I wouldn't argue with her over the pants issue, personally.
The outfit you did describe sounds hideous to me and not church appropriate. THAT is how I would start the conversation and then suggest some pant sets for her that you do approve of in the colors you want. OR you can force them to be uncomfortable in a dress and you'll have to be more militant about it than you have been by picking one out for them. You know your friends better than ANY of us, so pick your battle wisely and talk to them openly as a FRIEND talking to a FRIEND not a BRIDE talking to her BMs!