Last Name Change - FI Upset (long)

MarcyLT · May 2011

If you don't want to change your name, DON'T. For whatever reason. I got married for the first time in 2006 and did not want to take my ex-husband's name. But he threw an all out fit about it and I caved. I agreed to add his last name to mine, but mostly went by his last name. And every time I signed it in our short 20 month marriage, I felt like a liar. It never felt right.

Now, after being divorced three years and getting married soon to a phenomenal man and keeping my maiden name. He is 100% supportive. If you believe in something, stick with it. To me, your fiance should support you.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_last-name-change-fi-upset-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:419de21c-0d77-40b1-81ea-3e5f5f6ecfc5Post:f6d96366-7e8c-48db-9344-5be3e54f0759">Re: Last Name Change - FI Upset (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]$400 to change it? Where do you live that it costs that much?
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]

That's pretty typical for a court-ordered name change.

MyNameIsNot · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_last-name-change-fi-upset-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:419de21c-0d77-40b1-81ea-3e5f5f6ecfc5Post:44be2e14-664c-41dc-ba01-8f54d931974f">Re: Last Name Change - FI Upset (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Last Name Change - FI Upset (long) : There us actually a recent study that suggests some negative things to changing your name. It's not Harvard that I am aware of so to be perfectly honest it may not relate as much to the US as that one would. I read it in a newspaper recently. (I'll have to find it) It did state that women who kept their name make more money on average than those who didn't and that they are perceived as more intelligent. (which would say more about those in the study and their bias) It said on average those who kept their name made less money, had less education and were more conservative. I know women both educated and not as educated who fall into both categories so in all honesty I don't think the studies can tell us everything. I think we all just need to do what is right for us. I have never understood why some guys get so upset about it considering they aren't losing anything. Many women in my family have kept their names and are happy to have done so. EDITED
Posted by blush64[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is probably corelative more than causative, though. Women who don't have a career or don't plan to keep their career are far more likely to change their names than women who are very career driven, because the career is a big reason why many women opt to keep their names. (As much as I'd like the causation to be true.) </div><div>
</div><div>OP, I don't really have any advice for you, other than stay strong. Like Mery and some others, my H pretty much assumed that I wasn't the type to change my name based on other facets of my personality, and therefore pretty much had a non-reaction when it did come up. I hope that you stay strong. It's your name, and you don't have to have a well thought out argument to not want to change it. </div><div>
</div><div>Perhaps you should suggest to him that he consider taking your name. Even if he doesn't take it seriously, it should give him a feel for how silly you would feel about changing your own.

</div>

itybitymommy · May 2011

It's a long-standing tradition in Mexico and other latin countries for women to hyphenate their names when they marry. However, I've never heard of a man taking his wife's name. Double standard, I know. However, if you don't mind and it makes him happy-- however, you definately SHOULD find out his reasons for being so upset about your not taking his name, if you haven't already.

emmmbeee · May 2011

We haven't applied for our marriage license yet but I've heard that in KY (we live in northern KY) it is required to fill out separate forms in addition to the marriage certificate form if you don't plan on changing your name. It is just assumed that the woman changes her name and the marriaage certificate will be issued to Mrs.HisName. Even then, the marriage certificate will get mailed to Mr. and Mrs.HisName.

midgetthemighty · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_last-name-change-fi-upset-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:419de21c-0d77-40b1-81ea-3e5f5f6ecfc5Post:38f5ccc6-dfa5-4c70-a36b-c58475743b1b">Re: Last Name Change - FI Upset (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]We haven't applied for our marriage license yet but I've heard that in KY (we live in northern KY) it is required to fill out separate forms in addition to the marriage certificate form if you don't plan on changing your name. It is just assumed that the woman changes her name and the marriaage certificate will be issued to Mrs.HisName. Even then, the marriage certificate will get mailed to Mr. and Mrs.HisName.
Posted by emmmbeee[/QUOTE]

Hmmm...hopefully you don't have to pay more than the $35.50 it is for the marriage license. That's kinda rude if it's true that it assumes the wife is taking the husband's last name though. I hope it's not more money for your sake. :(

(FI and I live in NKY too...I stole him from OH)

molyca1986 · May 2011

I made the decision a long time ago (I think when I was in middle school) that I wouldn't change my name. I feel that it's a way for a woman to give up a bit of her own identity to get married.

This did not go well with my first husband. He said that I really didn't love him because I refused to change my name. I explained my reasons, but he did not understand. The odd thing is that his last name was his step-dad's (crazy history in that). There was a lot more that went wrong in that relationship, which is why we are no longer together.

When FI and I got engaged, he knew I didn't change my name before and didn't expect me to change it now. But he had to ask. My answer is still the same. He understands and respects me for it, but still silently wishes that I will change it when the day comes.

I think most men expect their bride to change the last name since it's a traditon so deeply embedded in our society. There are those who overreact and have hurt feelings and there are those who can just move on with the rest of a true-loving commitment.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_last-name-change-fi-upset-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:419de21c-0d77-40b1-81ea-3e5f5f6ecfc5Post:19b89d8a-2ad6-4537-94e9-6cf38d7d62fc">Re: Last Name Change - FI Upset (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]It's a long-standing tradition in Mexico and other latin countries for women to hyphenate their names when they marry. However, I've never heard of a man taking his wife's name. Double standard, I know. However, if you don't mind and it makes him happy-- however, you definately SHOULD find out his reasons for being so upset about your not taking his name, if you haven't already.
Posted by itybitymommy[/QUOTE]

Actually in Latin American culture, I believe both change their name. And their children get one of each of their last names. Everyone has 2 last names, basically. When you're born, they come from both your grandfathers (so still the paternal line). When you marry you keep your father's last name and adopt your spouse's father's last name, dropping the maternal side.

We know a guy who is Mexican who said if he ever got married, he would hyphenate his name. In his culture it's definitely not as "weird" as it might be here.

Also, I know a family who made up a completely new last name. Which is cool, but personally, my problem wasn't so much the patriarchal origins of the last name, but not wanting to change the name I've always gone by.

Bonzo2011 · May 2011

I've been debating this same issue too. FI would really like me to take his name, though he said he's behind all my reasons for not wanting to do it. What complicates it for us is actually the mothers: my mom didn't change her name, went through the whole argument 30 years ago, before this was getting more common. She and I have talked about her reasons a number of times, and I've always felt like it was a good choice. My sister and I just have our dad's last name, but we have always been attached to it. It's rather uncommon, and as far as we know from geneology research the only people in the USA with our last name are all related to us in some way. We think that's rather cool!.

BUT FMIL feels like I should take FI's family name because she did when she married his dad, and that's the way it's "always" been done, etc. FI is worried that I'll hurt his mom's feelings by not at least hyphenating.

I'm ok with the idea of hyphenating, except that then it will be really long! People already have a hard enough time pronouncing my last name the first time they see it (it's 10 letters and Russian) and adding another name onto the end just seems like a mouthful. I like the idea, I just don't like how our names would sound...

We've been talking about it though, and I *think* we're agreed to use my name as a second middle name for the kids. At this stage it seems like the solution that makes us the happiest. I just need to figure out how to keep my name how I like it and not hurt his family. We have over a year though, so we're hoping that in that time his family will get used to the idea, and there will be no hard feelings.

Good luck to everyone else who is working on figuring this out!

Wiscisbliss · May 2011

I think that you've gotten some great advice, but I'd like to re say - You can always change your mind later.

Heck, I wanted to change my name and it took me 3 months to get around to it.

hellerc1 · May 2011

I am adding his name and keeping mine so I will be First Middle Maiden His. I would like to also say I think it would be a good idea before the wedding for you to mention that you don't want your children to only have his name. That I think is a really big deal and should be talked about. I know that my FI has always said he would not change his so he does not think I should change or add his if I don't want too. However he has always made it clear that our kids will have his last name, he has a VERY strong view on this.

KatyRoseM · May 2011

It can be very difficult for a father to pick his children up from school if they don't have his last name. It can also be a problem for mothers, but its less problematic if only because it is more common.

DramaGeek · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_last-name-change-fi-upset-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:419de21c-0d77-40b1-81ea-3e5f5f6ecfc5Post:fd244b4c-8df0-4e87-9d32-219437c81439">Re: Last Name Change - FI Upset (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]It can be very difficult for a father to pick his children up from school if they don't have his last name. It can also be a problem for mothers, but its less problematic if only because it is more common.
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]

<div>Really? The majority of my students do not have the same last name as either of their parents and we've never had a problem. The people listed in the school's system will always be able to pick up a child, regardless of last name.</div><div>
</div><div>Personally, if H hadn't been ok with my keeping my last name, I wouldn't have married him. I absolutely did not want to take his name and give up my own. I did end up using both for a while but then went back to my maiden name at H's encouragement. If he hadn't been open to it from the beginning we wouldn't have ever dated long enough to get engaged, though.</div>

jmconley08 · May 2011

I'm probably not changing mine either. I am a meteorologist (on TV) and I like the way my name sounds. I have my mom's last name and just want to keep it. I don't know why I should have to change it. He wants me to but I don't think it'll happen. Just not sure what we'll do when/if we have kids. We'll deal with that later haha

Dancerppf · May 2011

I support your ideation. I myself decided to hyphenate so I can continue to use my maiden name in my professional career. I also have two brothers and nieces and I can't fathom Not having the same last name as the people who helped mold me. However I understand that joining with someone and taking their name is of valued tradition. As women we can't overanalyze things and insult our partners to hold on to something that is actually internal. A name change doesn't change who I am. Hear him out and his feelings. You may not agree but it would give you a better understanding. This is serious and I agree that you should try to reach a resolution before the wedding. And realistically with the rate of divorce being what it is in this day and age I understand professional women being careful.

twixinthemix · May 2011

If it's a problem with your profession, I know several people who use their maiden names in the work place, but legally and socially go by their husband's last name.

I've always known I'd take my future husband's last name, and don't see what the big deal is. But I'm traditional like that.

discordiasa · May 2011

I know a LOT of women who hypenated their name when they got married. They go by their maiden name for work, and husbands name for eveything else.

That way, you can me Mrs. (maiden name) for work and Mrs. (husbands name) socially.

But, the final decision is yours. Do what makes you happy! (:

Calypso1977 · May 2011

KatyRose, that is the line that so many have tried to give me. i mean, seriously? its 2011. there are single parents, divorced parents, remarried parents, and parents who retained their own names after marriage. any school who cant figure out who my kids are is probably not one that id send my kid to as i woudl see that as a pretty good indicator that the folks workign there arent too bright.

jeslm · May 2011

I agree this is something that needs to be settled before the wedding, especially if you're thinking about kids. When we first talked about it, I was contemplating not changing my name, just for the sake of ease. FI was NOT HAPPY (and this was before we were even engaged). He couldn't fathom being married and not having the same last name. Because I have no real opinion one way or the other, I'll be changing my name, and I already have two degrees in my maiden name. The only reason I personally wasn't going to change it was to avoid the hassle, but if it's that important to him, it's fine with me.

That said, I'll change my name from First Middle Last to First Maiden HisLast. Professionally I'll use all three to keep some level of continuity; in my personal life I'll just be First HisLast.

Am I the only one getting flack for changing my name, though? My friends are all telling me I'm out of my mind to change it when marriage is so impermanent now and anything could happen and I've built a career on my name. Like, a few have seriously challenged me on it. I wasn't expecting any real reaction one way or the other from them, but a few are actually upset!

mparwulski · May 2011

Interesting dscussion. I've always thought I would keep my own name. Because I'm that independent. I'm in my 40's and have definitely established my own identity. In fact, I've joked with FI that he would take my name. And he's so agreeable, because he knows I'm so contrary, he says yes. I know full well that he's joking, I think. Seriously, though... funny thing, in the end, I think I've decided to take his name. But, completely on my own. My mother is Spanish and in Spain people have a paternal and a maternal last name and that's it! They don't change it when they get married. You are the same person. You just keep your name. Then your children take the paternal name from your father and the paternal name from your mother. I think this is the perfect solution. I guess I just thought my FIs last name was much easier to pronounce than mine. That is mostly why I decided to take his name. Otherwise, I would have kept my name.

HopefulLife · May 2011

So many opinions. And so sorry that you're having that problem. I wish you luck with it. I definitely agree that maybe you should let it be for a little bit and then try starting from his point of view while being overly understanding but stick to whatever you want, which may not always be easy.

I had to do this because my fi and I have had this issue too. I've always been the "boy" of my dad's (an only child with all girls) and have always wanted to keep my name while my fi is pretty traditional. He doesn't want grieve from his family by him changing his name to mine (which is is somewhat willing to do) and we want one name for our future family.

So for now, we agreed that I'll be First Middle Maiden HisLast and that our kids will be First Middle MyMaiden HisLast. All tentative since we still have time to negotiate.

Lots of luck, patience, understanding, and peace your way OP.

Lisa50 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_last-name-change-fi-upset-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:419de21c-0d77-40b1-81ea-3e5f5f6ecfc5Post:38f5ccc6-dfa5-4c70-a36b-c58475743b1b">Re: Last Name Change - FI Upset (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]We haven't applied for our marriage license yet but I've heard that in KY (we live in northern KY) it is required to <strong>fill out separate forms in addition to the marriage certificate form if you don't plan on changing your name.</strong> It is just assumed that the woman changes her name and the marriaage certificate will be issued to Mrs.HisName. Even then, the marriage certificate will get mailed to Mr. and Mrs.HisName.
Posted by emmmbeee[/QUOTE]

WTF??? That's crazy! Please come back to the boards after you've applied for your license and let us know if this is fact or fiction. Wow!

Last Name Change - FI Upset (long)

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