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desertsun
member
I don't know why this hurts, but it does! SUPER long.
Long background:
FI and I used to share a house with one of my best friends, S.
The house belonged to my brother, and he rented it to FI and I when he and his family had to move for his job and they didn't want to sell b/c of the way the market is.
I used to invite S to a lot of family gatherings b/c she didn't have family in town. We had so much in common. Kindred spirits in a lot of ways. I considered her family and told her so on many occasions.
So, I fully trusted S to hold up her end of being a good roommate in my brother's house, and so my brother trusted her too. We did not require any kind of deposit, lease, etc. She was allowed to paint her room with the understanding she would do a good job and do any touch ups needed when she moved out.
Well, things did not go well. Eventually, I told her that I wasn't sure our friendship could survive, and I wanted to still be friends, so we might want to talk about alternate living arrangements. I think she viewed that as a threat to kick her out. It wasn't meant that way at all. But it devolved into a shouting fight shortly after that.
I thought we resolved it, and though there were a couple other incidents, I thought we were still friends and would remain friends despite not being good roommates.
The understanding at the time she moved in (and we had several other conversations about it) was that she would look for a new place once she finished school.
So, she moved out a couple months after the shouting fight. My FI gave his day off and the use of his truck and muscles to help her move.
I didn't hear from her when she was coming back to clean and stuff, so I left her a note asking her to do a couple things in common areas, like clean all her stuff out of the fridge, clean a couple shelves in the fridge, and mop the kitchen floor. I assumed she would clean her room and bathroom. I didn't ask her to do anything in the living room or office. I thought it was like moving out of any place you rent -- you clean up after you move out.
Well, she did a real half-assed cleaning job and left behind all kinds of crap. Actual trash as well as stuff she didn't want but was too lazy to throw away. She also did not do the painting she had promised to do from day one.
So, I tried contacting her by phone and email, explaining that I was upset about it, that I felt she had betrayed a trust and behaved in a thoroughly disrespectful way, and that I was really hurt and wanted to be friends, but needed an explanation for her behavior. I acknowledged that I am not perfect, so if I had done something, I would appreciate her telling me what and giving me a chance to make it right.
She never contacted me.
I still don't know if she had decided the friendship was over previously or if she got pissed about me leaving her a to do list and then pissed about me confronting her or what.
Haven't spoken to her since before she moved out.
We stayed friends on facebook, which gave me hope that one day we could be actual friends again. I really miss her. We used to have SO much fun together. But I am still hurting over what happened.
Today she de-friended me on facebook.
It breaks my heart.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I don't know why this hurts, but it does! SUPER long.
Hopefully, the two of you just need some time & space. Give her a few weeks to cool off, and then see if you can get in touch with her.
I know how hard this is, hang in there. :-(
My Blog
::hugs::
I haz a planning bio
I was really hoping this post would be about an ingrown hair, to be honest.
I'm sorry this is happening.
You have less than 3 weeks before you marry the love of your life! Don't let this get you down, friend!
Either way, it sucks & I'm sorry you're feeling crappy :-(
In some ways, I now feel as though she did me a favour. If you're not even willing to meet me half way, then why not just go and save me the trouble. But. It still hurts. *hugs*
[QUOTE]Oh I'm sorry, Desert, that sucks. I recently went through a painful friend breakup myself and it hurts, but in the end <strong>I know that is someone truly wanted to be my friend they wouldn't disrespect me.</strong> Hugs
Posted by notquiteblushing[/QUOTE]
<div>I know, I totally agree with this in theory.</div><div>
</div><div>I'm still very hurt.</div><div>
</div><div>But I MISS her. We always thought the same things were funny and we liked the same things and we just GOT each other, you know?</div><div>
</div><div>It's hard to lose a friend like that. I would never in a million years have expected her to act this way, so I almost am like, Well it must be something I did. I almost doubt my own sense that I've been treated in a way that's not acceptable. Does that even make sense?</div>
Going from friendship to roommates always seems to end up with unexpected consequences. I'm so sorry. Have a good cry if you need to, hon. It's okay.
I want you to realize that I did not say these things to hurt or offend you. I truly belive them...At one point you were a very good friend to me. I guess that's why it hurt so much when you changed.
She was one of my best friends, and then one day just snapped. I sent her a text asking if BF's friend from OCS could sleep on the couch, and she responded, "You're going to do what you want to do anyway". Um, then why am I ASKING? And it just dissolved from there... she ended up moving in a 3rd roommate without permission, making my life so miserable that I had to move out for the last 2 weeks of our lease (even though I was the one who was staying). It ended with her moving out a day after our lease was up, and knocking a hole in my door. We're no longer friends, and she sent me this huge long email telling me I was a useless person and my BF deserved better, and that my parents didn't raise me right, etc.
Needless to say, I feel you. Roommates can be extremely difficult, and when they're friends they have the chance to hurt you. Think back on things and acknowledge to yourself where you could have been more direct, or handled things a bit better, and learn from it. Then move on. People who feel the need to write passive aggressive and nasty things on Facebook just aren't worth your time. Sadly, if she's writing that to you, it's very likely she's complaining about you to others.
Just be the bigger person, and learn from the experience. *Hugs*! If you need a shoulder to cry on, let me know. Trust me, I've been there!
"Popular on the internetz..."
Canada is kind of like a whole other world with new things to discover that us americans only dream of. - Narwhal
Paige I would like to profess my love for you and your brilliant mind. - breezerb
Murried Bio
I know your situation is completely different, but I do understand missing a friend and deep down hoping there would be some reconciliation. That being said, I'm going through that reconciliation now and it doesn't always mean that the friendship is the same as it was before.
My Bio - updated 26/3/2011
[QUOTE]So I sent her a message on fb, basically saying I'm sorry (for whatever I did?) and I miss you and I hope we can be friends again down the road. She responded, and here are the good parts: [...]You were controlling, passive aggresive, and toward the end insulting toward me. Maybe you didn't realize these things maybe you did. I'm not angry with you anymore and I truly wish you the best. Perhaps one day in the future we can be friends again but truthfully I think a lot of growing up needs to be done, probably on both of our parts. I want you to realize that I did not say these things to hurt or offend you. I truly belive them... At one point you were a very good friend to me. I guess that's why it hurt so much when you changed. Thoughts?
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]
Biitch.
Seriously, it's been a year and now she's going to defriend you even though she isn't angry anymore. Even if you were all those things she mentioned, why didn't she tell you about it then and deal with it? Who's passive agressive now?
I'm so sorry Desert. Maybe she's jealous you're getting married?
My Blog
[QUOTE]You have less than 3 weeks before you marry the love of your life! Don't let this get you down, friend!
Posted by Narwhal[/QUOTE]
YAYYY!!! Three weeks!!!
Listen, sometimes these things are not what they seem. In the case of my crazy roommate from heII, she and I both wanted to lose weight. I lost 10 pounds, she gained 15. She wanted to get out of debt so she could get a car, I was given a car as a belated graduation present (and I never had any debt). She wanted her friends to visit, but they never did. I always had people coming from all around the country (and the world) visiting.
The breaking point was she was trying to get her boyfriend to propose (leaving magazine pages of rings around, trying to find excuses to go to the mall so she could drag him into the jewelry stores, etc.) and my BF was going off to Officer Candidate School (i.e. no communication for 2 months except handwritten letters), so she expected my relationship to fall apart. They started having problems, probably as a result of the push for a ring, and my BF and I started talking marriage.
It was 2 days after BF told me that he had told his platoonmates that I was the woman he would marry (and I told her, as we were close friends) that the roommate first went nuts. Something tells me it wasn't a coincidence... and it might not be in your case either. Your impending wedding might have gotten under her skin for whatever reason, and your happiness made her want to lash out at you when you should be at your happiest.
If she even had a shred of decency, she would not have done such a passive aggressive thing as de-friend you and then tell you she's not mad anymore but that she thinks you need to grow up. You deserve way better than that.
I always ask myself - what will it solve? What will it fix to say something? Will I accomplish anything?
If not, it's usually best not to. These people feed off of drama.
There's always two sides to every story - it sounds like she's blown hers way out of perspective, and handled it completely the wrong way. I'm sure there are moments here or there that we could all act differently, but at the root of it is there anything you could have done to prevent this? Nope, except not live with her in the first place.
In my case, I learned that I needed to stand up for myself a little bit. She had walked all over me, and I had bent over backwards trying to make her happy when she wasn't giving me the same respect. She stole my vaccum cleaner when she moved out, and I didn't even say anything because I knew she wasn't going to give it back and I had no way to prove it was mine. Even though I don't have a single carpet nor any place to keep the vaccum at my new house, it still pisses me off that I didn't stand up for myself.
Desert just be careful because she could really turn on you.
My Bio - updated 26/3/2011
(hugs) As much as it may seem to suck, it sounds like you are better off with her out of your life for now.
And I am with NQB, her message just screams bitchy.
It can be hard not to say anything, but its for the best for sure. Just try to let it roll off your shoulders, be the bigger person and don't let that biitch cause you any stress!
::hugs::
Last year she called me about 3 different times in a weeks time wanting me to go right then out with her. I happened to be very busy that week and wasn't able to go. She got mad and defriended me on facebook. It hurt me a lot. It shouldn't have because it's just facebook but it kind of told me that she just didn't care to even talk to me anymore.
Of course, since I started pulling away, she started dating my cousin and they're getting married next week. Things are really awkward between us.
It sucks to have to deal with this and I'm really sorry that you are.
It helps to know so many people have been through similar situations. Though of course I wouldn't wish this on anyone!