Canceling the wedding

courtski2004 · January 2013

OP, are you and FI the only two that would be travelling to this destination wedding? I think that is where everyone is stuck on the 'travel plan/refund' issue. I don't give two ships why you are choosing to elope so close to your actual wedding date, but I guess I really want to know how it is a destination without elaborate travel arrangements and with only a $25 refundable deposit at stake here.

Just don't facebook them to tell them about the change in plans. That was the worst advice I saw in the thread thus far. Calling is the way to go on this one.

TerriHugg · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:0e565254-4984-4fd7-8c12-fcb8198a5c81">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]We had to cancel our wedding when our daughter needed urgent surgery. You must call people individually. You can explain if you wish or simply say that for personal reasons, you are forced to cancel. Offer to assist anyone who has put money in to offset any of their lost costs. No one took us up on it, but I think it meant a lot to people that we offered to call hotels or help in any ways possible. Also, apologize profusely for any inconvenience. People are excited when someone they care about is getting married, this can be a big disappointment to some, especially close family.<strong> Some people will be hurt, especially if you don't plan on including them in the ceremony at a future date. </strong> Be prepared.
Posted by NantucketBride12[/QUOTE]

<div>Thanks for your response. I do have a question for you though. If you don't mind me asking, did you chose to elope and then have a ceremony or reception after that? </div><div>
</div><div>Should we decide to elope we weren't planning on having any other reception or ceremony after that because we thought it would be in poor taste and make people think we are only in it for the gifts. But then a parent recommended that we just have a small reception in the park after the elopment that way people will still feel included in some way and that they won't feel totally "uninvited". </div>

TerriHugg · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:1307c7c7-85ec-4417-9bc4-75c5be77149f">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, are you and FI the only two that would be travelling to this destination wedding? I think that is where everyone is stuck on the 'travel plan/refund' issue. I don't give two ships why you are choosing to elope so close to your actual wedding date, but I guess I really want to know how it is a destination without elaborate travel arrangements and with only a $25 refundable deposit at stake here. Just don't facebook them to tell them about the change in plans. That was the worst advice I saw in the thread thus far. Calling is the way to go on this one.
Posted by courtski2004[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">Thank you for your response. The wedding was to be in the Bahamas so yes it will cost more money than a traditional wedding. But believe it or not the initial deposit was only for $25 per person to receive the the spot. (I know it's hard to find anywhere that is that cheap these days) WE wanted to pick somewhere that was affordable for everyone. </span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">
</span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">So far $25 is the only money the people who did respond put down. Even if they did put more money down it is refundable. It was for an allinclusive resort and everything is refundable upt to 30 before the wedding according to the contract.<div style="background-image:initial;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;background-color:transparent;border-style:initial;border-color:initial;font-size:12px;outline-width:0px;outline-style:initial;outline-color:initial;vertical-align:baseline;border-width:0px;padding:0px;margin:0px;">That is part of the reason why we aren't too worried about people taking any major losses. The weddings isn't till the end of April. So guests would still have till mid-March to every cent they spend back.</div><div style="background-image:initial;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;background-color:transparent;border-style:initial;border-color:initial;font-size:12px;outline-width:0px;outline-style:initial;outline-color:initial;vertical-align:baseline;border-width:0px;padding:0px;margin:0px;">
</div><div style="background-image:initial;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;background-color:transparent;border-style:initial;border-color:initial;font-size:12px;outline-width:0px;outline-style:initial;outline-color:initial;vertical-align:baseline;border-width:0px;padding:0px;margin:0px;">And even if people were to have a major loss, we were prepared to give them money out of our pocket. </div><div style="background-image:initial;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;background-color:transparent;border-style:initial;border-color:initial;font-size:12px;outline-width:0px;outline-style:initial;outline-color:initial;vertical-align:baseline;border-width:0px;padding:0px;margin:0px;">
</div></span></div>

Meegles4 · January 2013

Terri - don't do the reception in the park. How would you feel if you got uninvited from a wedding (essentially), but then were asked to come to a party after the fact, where you'd likely feel obligated to bring a gift? You're not letting these people witness your ceremony, so I think it's tacky to invite them to something that will make them feel like they should bring a gift and celebrate a marriage they didn't get to witness.

If you do decide to do some sort of after party, don't make it wedding related. Make it a "happy summer" bbq or something like that. Then, people get to see you after you've gotten married, but by taking away all the wedding celebration undertones, you're also taking away people's obligation to bring gifts or any hurt feelings they might have over being uninvited. People will still congratulate you, and some may bring gifts, but keep things generic and non-wedding related.

TerriHugg · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:4f4e16d5-98fd-4213-aecb-77b26c72b9e2">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Terri - don't do the reception in the park. How would you feel if you got uninvited from a wedding (essentially), but then were asked to come to a party after the fact, where you'd likely feel obligated to bring a gift? You're not letting these people witness your ceremony, so I think it's tacky to invite them to something that will make them feel like they should bring a gift and celebrate a marriage they didn't get to witness. If you do decide to do some sort of after party, don't make it wedding related. Make it a "happy summer" bbq or something like that. Then, people get to see you after you've gotten married, but by taking away all the wedding celebration undertones, you're also taking away people's obligation to bring gifts or any hurt feelings they might have over being uninvited. People will still congratulate you, and some may bring gifts, but keep things generic and non-wedding related.
Posted by Meegles4[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I see where you are coming from and essentially agree with you. It's just so hard when I keep getting varying opinions. I definitely don't want anyone to feel obligated to bring a gift. And we weren't planning on having a reception in the first place if we chose to elope. This was a suggestion by a "would be guest" so that everyone would still feel kind of involved with the "wedding"</div><div>
</div><div>But to answer your first question, I honestly would feel fine if someone did that to me. But I guess I'm weird. I've actually attended a reception of someone who eloped and never thought anything of it. But I see both points of view on it. Hence the reason why we are so confused over this whole ordeal. </div><div>
</div><div>I don't want to have a reception afterwards. We just wanted to elope and be done with it. Other people were the ones who started mentioning a potential reception.

</div>

Maggie0829 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:f4810cf1-3f14-480e-91c3-0defdbac98fa">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Canceling the wedding : I see where you are coming from and essentially agree with you. It's just so hard when I keep getting varying opinions. I definitely don't want anyone to feel obligated to bring a gift. And we weren't planning on having a reception in the first place if we chose to elope. This was a suggestion by a "would be guest" so that everyone would still feel kind of involved with the "wedding" But to answer your first question, I honestly would feel fine if someone did that to me. But I guess I'm weird. I've actually attended a reception of someone who eloped and never thought anything of it. But I see both points of view on it. Hence the reason why we are so confused over this whole ordeal. <strong>I don't want to have a reception after words. We just wanted to elope and be done with it.</strong> Other people were the ones who started mentioning a potential reception.
Posted by TerriHugg[/QUOTE]

Then this is exactly what you should do. People will always have opinions and push you to do things that you don't want so you need to put your foot down.

Elope. Be married and be happy. If other people feel "left out" then they will just have to get over it.

TerriHugg · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:c5db99e8-78f8-4216-aa42-fdb1bd3b8bd7">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Canceling the wedding : Then this is exactly what you should do. People will always have opinions and push you to do things that you don't want so you need to put your foot down. Elope. Be married and be happy. If other people feel "left out" then they will just have to get over it.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

<div>Thank you so much for this. It's easy to forget that we must be happy after all is said and done. I think that's why FI and I are stressed about ths in the first place. We are just so concerned about hurting everones feelings.</div><div>
</div><div>Thanks again for your input. </div>

loca4pook · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:7f18a081-691f-484a-bcf1-260df1783a31">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Canceling the wedding : OP, you've got to be kidding. You better have a damn good excuse for eloping, because if I was a guest who already bought my travel tickets, I would be furious. To me, it would be a friendship ending move.
Posted by misssunshine17[/QUOTE]

I think I agree with this. It is actually a selfish move if people already spent the money to see your wedding...

jenferian · January 2013

Life happens. You know what's best for you. Just be considerate of the fact that people may have already made travel plans and taken work off. It would be such a classy, thoughtful move to call each guest. That's my $0.02.

And whomever posted such a move like this would be friendship ending? Man, harsh much? You'd be better off without a friend like that anyway.

Good luck.

NantucketBride12 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:fee65dba-6e81-412f-9869-0cf3341764b9">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Canceling the wedding : Thanks for your response. I do have a question for you though. If you don't mind me asking, did you chose to elope and then have a ceremony or reception after that? Should we decide to elope we weren't planning on having any other reception or ceremony after that because we thought it would be in poor taste and make people think we are only in it for the gifts. But then a parent recommended that we just have a small reception in the park after the elopment that way people will still feel included in some way and that they won't feel totally "uninvited".
Posted by TerriHugg[/QUOTE]

<div>We went to the courthouse. That was back in 2010. We are considering renewing our vows next year, but no, we aren't having a do-over type wedding. We're probably just going to do a vow renewal and host a dinner for immediate family (parents, siblings, grandparents). </div><div>
</div><div>I think if you elope and then have a reception, you're still going to ruffle some feathers. Not everyone goes to weddings for the food. Many people really enjoy seeing vows exchanged and want to take part in that special moment.</div><div>
</div><div>Why don't you just keep a tiny guest list and do your vows and a small reception? You don't have to invite 100 people. </div>

daveANDkristen · January 2013

OP, I know that you are certain that the guests who RSVP'd yes have made no travel arrangements. It was unclear to me whether you know if those who haven't responded have made travel arrangements with the intention to respond yes. If anyone has booked nonrefundable flights, etc, it seems like a large price to pay reimbursing their expenses to elope. Obviously you're not comfortable sharing the details it's not like we know who you are anyway, though, so only you and your FI can decide if it's worth the potential cost. Good luck! And I completely agree that each guest should be contacted by phone. No email, text, Facebook, etc on this one.

NantucketBride12 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:a170f575-be0f-4332-beb4-c5695c5efc03">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Nantucket, are you the bride that is talking about the renewal of vows later on? If so, that sounds like something that may interest Terri if she has a similar situation. Just a thought ....
Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, that's me. We were married in a courthouse in February 2010 rather than the wedding we planned. We are considering doing a vow renewal now. </div>

Summer2011Bride · January 2013

I just think you need to be prepared to reimburse guests 100% who already have money invested. If it's a DW doesn't that involve flying and/or booking hotel rooms? If the proposed wedding is only 3 months away, I just can't imagine guests not already booking these things. Now hotel reservations can probably be canceled (unless they paid in advance to save money and then sometimes they can't be) but plane tickets often cannot be. If any money is put out by guests, I think you need to reimburse since you are choosing to cancel the wedding. I am fine with your choice to cancel and don't even care what your motives are, but it would be crappy as a guest to have money invested and then have it canceled.

Viczaesar · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:aa46f938-a323-4053-a4ec-516775e44c29">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Canceling the wedding : Thank you for your response. The wedding was to be in the Bahamas so yes it will cost more money than a traditional wedding. But believe it or not the initial deposit was only for $25 per person to receive the the spot. (I know it's hard to find anywhere that is that cheap these days) WE wanted to pick somewhere that was affordable for everyone. <strong>So far $25 is the only money the people who did respond put down.</strong> Even if they did put more money down it is refundable. It was for an allinclusive resort and everything is refundable upt to 30 before the wedding according to the contract. That is part of the reason why we aren't too worried about people taking any major losses. The weddings isn't till the end of April. So guests would still have till mid-March to every cent they spend back. And even if people were to have a major loss, we were prepared to give them money out of our pocket.
Posted by TerriHugg[/QUOTE]
Okay, but what about the people who <strong>didn't </strong>RSVP yet? Many people make travel arrangements before sending in their RSVP.

TerriHugg · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:d5ef7933-107f-43c6-a065-92b062e1b415">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Canceling the wedding : I think I agree with this. It is actually a selfish move if people already spent the money to see your wedding...
Posted by loca4pook[/QUOTE]

<div>But that's the thing. Other than 25 bucks that can be refunded people haven't paid any other money. And as i mentioned before, I know because we called people to find out. We wouldn't even consider doing this if we knew people arleady spenty hundreds of thousands of dollars on travel. </div><div>
</div><div>But I guess I'm still selfish... I wonder if it's ever ok to be a little selfish.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>I guess right now I'm to the point that regardless of what decisiion we make someone isn't going to be happy. The guests may not be happy because we are being selfsh, parents may be unhappy becuase of whatever reason, etc. But right now we are not happy and we are trying to deal with this the best we can. Maybe we won't decide to elope due to our circumstances, but we still aren't happy. And I feel like if we continue on with this wedding despite circumstances as planned to accomodate everyone else we still won't be happy. </div><div>
</div><div>So I feel like right now our decision is to be happy and elope to fit our life situation making us selfish or satisfy everyone else and ignore our happiness.</div><div>
</div><div>I was never one of those brides with the "this is my wedding screw everyone else" mantra. But I feel like we have the right to atleast be happy with something. </div><div>
</div><div>I guess I'm being tacky. This isn't an easy decision to make. We've been losing sleep thinking about this for the past week. There is no way everyone will be happy. That's why I'm at such a loss. I just wish this was easy.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

TerriHugg · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:ab24a90b-c73b-45a6-8315-ebc404f009aa">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Canceling the wedding : Okay, but what about the people who didn't RSVP yet? Many people make travel arrangements before sending in their RSVP.
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

<div>HI. I'm not sure if you read my other posts, but we have already called people to find out who has put down money and who hasn't. No one else has put down money other than the 25 I mentioned. </div><div>
</div><div>Even if they didn't we were prepared to give people their money that was lost. I know I would be pissed if I lost money because of a canceled wedding. So we are ready and willing to give money out of pocket if need be. </div>

TerriHugg · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:91c9154b-2483-4cd5-89e4-aaca5d30be44">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Canceling the wedding : I read your other posts and maybe I missed it, but I didn't see you specifically say you called to tell everyone that your plans have changed, only that 5 people are out $25 each. But you say you are willing to reimburse all out of pocket expenses your guests have incurred so I don't really see an issue. As long as you have called your guests to tell them not to come.
Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]

<div>No worries. Thanks for your input. This is just way to stressful. </div><div>
</div><div>(Just realized I read your post wrong.) We didn't tell anyone our plans have changed yet as we still haven't made a final decision. We've just called to see who has spent any money on it already because depending on how much has been invested we may continue to figure out our circumstances some other way and continue with wedding as planned. </div><div>
</div><div>by the way there was no wedding shower, engagement party, bachelorette party or bachelor party either so no one has taken a loss for that either. </div><div>
</div>

Viczaesar · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:d5b5c067-dbc2-49aa-a9fc-57b0aebe6808">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Canceling the wedding : HI. I'm not sure if you read my other posts, but we have already called people to find out who has put down money and who hasn't. No one else has put down money other than the 25 I mentioned. Even if they didn't we were prepared to give people their money that was lost. I know I would be pissed if I lost money because of a canceled wedding. So we are ready and willing to give money out of pocket if need be.
Posted by TerriHugg[/QUOTE]
I did read your other posts, and as other people have noted, it's not clear from them whether you called everybody or only those who responded (RSVPed). That's why several of us asked you to clarify.

TerriHugg · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:84aea89a-553c-496a-bbf2-e698c1535a59">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Canceling the wedding : I did read your other posts, and as other people have noted, it's not clear from them whether you called everybody or only those who responded (RSVPed). That's why several of us asked you to clarify.
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm sorry. That's my mistake. </div><div>
</div><div>I have been following up with every single person who would be a guest. No one else has put money down other than the $25. I'm assuming what they have told me is accurate. </div><div>
</div><div>Unfortunately, I can't do anything about people who already took time off from work, but as mentioned many times we are prepared to reimburst people. </div><div>
</div><div>We would never think to cancel a wedding knowing people put a bunch of money towards it with no chance of them getting it back. </div>

daveANDkristen · January 2013

I understand that your family urged you to have a DW. You agreed to it, though apparently under duress. I know many of them can't make it, but a few have already said that they want to come. I guess I'm not understanding why you would elope when the whole point of a DW was so your family could witness the wedding? I'm not saying that what you and FI want doesn't matter, but why would you get their hopes up by agreeing to a DW in the first place?

TerriHugg · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:ee8115de-d169-455e-9578-90e7a553aabd">Re:Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand that your family urged you to have a DW. You agreed to it, though apparently under duress. I know many of them can't make it, but a few have already said that they want to come. I guess I'm not understanding why you would elope when the whole point of a DW was so your family could witness the wedding? I'm not saying that what you and FI want doesn't matter, but why would you get their hopes up by agreeing to a DW in the first place?
Posted by daveANDkristen[/QUOTE]

<div>While you asked a valid question, that is not something I am willing to anser over the internet risking the chance of facing more judgement and criticism. Plus, it is a bit personal The question you posed makes a lot of sense but it is a little more complex than that and it's not completely accurate. I would just prefer to not go into all the details of it right now. </div><div>
</div><div>But thank you for your concern in the matter. </div>

cnh31 · January 2013

I think you should immediately call. I don't think this is the end of the world, though. I understand your reason are private and I do not think you are obligated to tell anyone. Things come up. And as long as guests are not losing money I would think they would understand. I think I read someone say this would be reason to end a friendship. Wow. People are harsh. I would not be the least bit upset if someone chose to cancel a wedding a was invited to. As I said, things happen. It is not my place to judge. Good luck on your elopement!!!

NantucketBride12 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:593a3654-204f-41b3-a285-50a3e3881624">Re:Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Canceling the wedding : While you asked a valid question, that is not something I am willing to anser over the internet risking the chance of facing more judgement and criticism. Plus, it is a bit personal The question you posed makes a lot of sense but it is a little more complex than that and it's not completely accurate. I would just prefer to not go into all the details of it right now. But thank you for your concern in the matter.
Posted by TerriHugg[/QUOTE]

<div>You aren't obligated to tell people on the internet why you're making this choice. But, you know *everyone* you call and deliver the news to is going to want to know why this has taken place. I'm a private person and I don't think you're obligated to tell them all of your reasons, especially anything personal, but you do need to come up with something to say. They're going to want to know. They will judge your reasoning. If it's not a "good reason", people will be mad. </div><div>
</div><div>I'm not saying you should go through with things, especially if your circumstances create a situation in which you can't for some reason, but you really need to be prepared for the fall out here. I don't think it's a relationship ruining situation, but if you don't handle it correctly, it could be. I suggest really thinking about how you're going to respond to peoples' question, concerns, possible complaints, etc. It's not about you anymore. You have to manage other people's disappointment they experience due to your choice. </div>

TerriHugg · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:7d8cdc8f-e38d-4f7c-b4c0-d8eb7208b0d0">Re:Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Canceling the wedding : You aren't obligated to tell people on the internet why you're making this choice. But, you know *everyone* you call and deliver the news to is going to want to know why this has taken place. I'm a private person and I don't think you're obligated to tell them all of your reasons, especially anything personal, but you do need to come up with something to say. They're going to want to know. They will judge your reasoning. If it's not a "good reason", people will be mad. I'm not saying you should go through with things, especially if your circumstances create a situation in which you can't for some reason, but you really need to be prepared for the fall out here. I don't think it's a relationship ruining situation, but if you don't handle it correctly, it could be. I suggest really thinking about how you're going to respond to peoples' question, concerns, possible complaints, etc. It's not about you anymore. You have to manage other people's disappointment they experience due to your choice.
Posted by NantucketBride12[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I agree with you completely. WE are certainly treading carefully and will give those invited a reason because they deserve at least a little explanation. I"m not really concerned about giving random folks on the internet a reason. LOL </div><div>
</div><div>I figured I could have the most legit reason in the world and someone will still have a reason to be mad. But you are right, I do need to figure out what to say. It's the potential disappoinment and hurt feelings that are keeping us from making this decision. </div><div>
</div><div>Thank you for the input.</div><div>
</div><div>

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daveANDkristen · January 2013

I agree with Nantucket. I didn't say you owed me or anyone here an explanation. But you're the one who came to ask for advice. You wanted to know how to break the news to people should you choose to cancel your wedding. Like Nantucket said, you should muster up some kind of excuse. If I were you I wouldn't blame it on the stress of getting married. I'm sure many of your guests, like us, do not understand why this would be so awfully stressful without further explanation.

TerriHugg · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:1395eaf0-4ce5-4c85-ae72-d66c6665e389">Re:Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with Nantucket. I didn't say you owed me or anyone here an explanation. But you're the one who came to ask for advice. You wanted to know how to break the news to people should you choose to cancel your wedding. Like Nantucket said, you should muster up some kind of excuse. If I were you I wouldn't blame it on the stress of getting married. I'm sure many of your guests, like us, do not understand why this would be so awfully stressful without further explanation.
Posted by daveANDkristen[/QUOTE]

<div>I know you didn't say I owed you anything. Forgive me if that's the way it came off. And no I'm not going to blame it on the stress of getting married. Especially since that's not even the reason. That is just part of it. </div><div>
</div><div>LIke I said, there is another reason other than the ones provided here. It's just a little too personal to post online. But the people who got invited would indeed get an explanation should we choose to elope instead. (It may even be a little bit too personal to tell all the guests too.) But we will figure something out. </div><div>
</div><div>I really do appreciate the responses thus far. I already got the advice I came here for which is how to tell everyone. The general consensus was to call and then send a wedding anouncement. </div><div>
</div><div>Now, we jus need to decide in the next few hours what we will decide to do. Thanks again</div>

amanda0543 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:5e840478-2265-4823-b760-a72b0928b577">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Everyone, like I said I know everyone will not agree. I don't feel comfortable adding every detail to be criticized on here. So I gave the details you all need to know. No friendships will be lost because no friends were coming. In an earier post, I wrote it wrong. I meant to say the $25 deposit is refundable. And I know that no one made eany other travel (i.e. airfare) arrangemetns because I asked them. Even if people did make other arrangements that could not be refunded we were prepared to pay them back. I'm not a cold heartless person even though thats how everyone sees me because of this now. I mentioned the lack of response card count so you all would understand that not many people would be at any loss. There are other reasons that I don't care to discuss on this forum because they are personal. Everyone is attacking me and I'm not trying to be heartless here. We didn't just make this decision on a whim. If people were going to be out of a whole lot of money we never woul dhave thought of eloping. All I asked was the best way to let people know should we decide to go forth with the elopement because it hasn't even been decided as yet.
Posted by TerriHugg[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm going to agree with the calling everyone ASAP. It might also be a good idea to send out Thank You cards with an apology for the last minute cancellation.</div><div>
</div><div>For what it's worth, I don't know anyone IRL who would be offended by what you're doing. If someone I knew cancelled their wedding, it certainly wouldn't be a biggie for me. Especially if you and your fi are going to refund them any lost money. The only thing that would happen is that they/I would be worried for the couple getting married. You're the only one on this board who actually knows your guests, and considering that you're close enough to invite them to your wedding I'm sure you have a pretty good idea of how they'll react.</div><div>
</div><div>I imagine your guests will be concerned for you and your fi, so you should probably be prepared to tell them why you're changing your plans.</div><div>
</div><div>**didn't read all the posts, the advice about having at least some response prepared is really good**</div>

KellyBrian2013 · January 2013

I can't believe that no one has mentioned thus far that the low response rate could be due to the fact that invitations were sent out a good 4 to 5 or more months in advance of the wedding with an RSVP date that is at least 3 months in advance of the event. And the fact that you called people to question if they've booked yet, prior to the RSVP date, very likely could have pushed some more of those "No, we haven't booked yet" responders to spend their money AFTER hanging up with you. I know that if I got a phone call from a bride or groom several months out from their DW asking if I'd booked yet and I hadn't, I would likely begin to think there was some need to rush to do so. As long as you are prepared to reimburse every single person every single cent that they spent, call everyone immediately and tell them the wedding has been canceled. Elope just the two of you and do not throw/host any wedding related parties... no "doover" ceremonies, no receptions, no marriage/wedding celebration parties.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · January 2013

I guess I don't really understand your point. Thusfar, 1 week from the RSVP date, you have 5 people coming to your wedding, and these are immediate family members. If ANYONE was going to come to my wedding, I would want it to be my parents. (Do your parents not get along? Is that what you're worried about?) I don't really see a huge difference between eloping, especially if you are traveling to elope, and just having a very intimate wedding with your parents. They can leave the day after and you can enjoy the rest of your honeymoon/vacation.

On the other hand, even if I wasn't planning on attending the wedding, and I go a phone call talking about how the wedding was canceled and I was therefore, basically, uninvited, I'd find that a little... odd.

[Deleted User] · January 2013

I would just go on as planned. Once your RSVP date has passed, within the week you can contact who haven't responded to see if they are coming. If it turns out that the only people that are coming are the handful of people you know about and no one has booked flights yet, you can tell them that your going to change the event to just the two of you, make sure everyone gets their refund even if you have to pay it back yourself & then just the two of you go to the destination & elope there. You'll have your wedding/honeymoon in one and not have to make other plans.

But if people have purchased tickets, I think you may be stuck.

Canceling the wedding

Re: Canceling the wedding

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