Opinions please.

zipis1 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_opinions-please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3574c05c-b20a-4d04-96a7-9dd1f13b5531Post:813f60ee-7a20-4050-b3dc-fc0bcec67803">Re: Opinions please.</a>:
[QUOTE]Anyway... Zips - Are you really asexual or are you being facetious?
Posted by run21[/QUOTE]

Nope. Really and truly asexual :) I was even the head of the asexual section of my college's LGBTA alliance. I just included that as a "follow what's right for you even if it seems like no one else is like you" thing. Believe me, asexuals know aaaaall about that <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

run21 · July 2010

Zip - I am fascinated. I spend a fair amount of time in the LGBT community and I've never heard the "A" added. I'm intrigued. Interesting that the LGBT is just "yeah ok - now what" in my world but that the "A" is totally fascinating. I must learn more. Human sexuality is intriguing - such a range of possibilities. I believe in the 1-10 scale. Does that make asexuality a negative number?

... Off to research.

Narwhal · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_opinions-please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3574c05c-b20a-4d04-96a7-9dd1f13b5531Post:217b009f-7319-40e7-8710-f2609c703fa0">Re: Opinions please.</a>:
[QUOTE]2) Whoever said they hate when people give props to those who wait for marriage because it makes the rest of us feel like sluts: I am Buddhist, my religion supports sex with significant others and there is no stigma about sex before marriage because, well, marriage isn't given much value. I respect people who wait to have sex for religious reasons the same way I respect the people in my religious community who practice patience when everyone else in the room has lost theirs: Living up to a key moral pillar of your believes is an honorable and difficult thing to do, and it's worthy of respect even when we don't share those pillars.
Posted by nefariousmango[/QUOTE]

This does not really apply to people who are on here, that I know of, I'm speaking from personal experience.

I didn't say that I hate it (I don't think, if I did, I didn't mean to), because I think that it's awesome to stand up for your beliefs and have patience and do what's right for you.

Also, I didn't say that it makes us feel like sluts. Believe me, I don't feel like a slut. What I was saying, was that it makes it out like having sex is the "easy" thing to do, when I don't really believe that to be true. Maybe it's because in my community around here, it's much easier to wait than it is to have sex. I said something about how people shouldn't wait just because they're afraid of what people might think, which is what happens the most around here. I don't think that's a fully educated decision because sometimes it isn't based on "standing up for your beliefs."

I wasn't trying to say that they shouldn't be honored for waiting, but I think that everyone should be honored because they did what they think is best, not automatically just because they decided to wait and the people who don't wait because it is what is best based on their personal morals and expectations with their relationship don't get the same reaction.

I was saying that anyone who makes a mature, informed decision about their sex life should be honored for that, regardless on whether they wait or whether they do not.

catemeg · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_opinions-please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3574c05c-b20a-4d04-96a7-9dd1f13b5531Post:95ef9753-d2b9-4dd8-a2d7-0e3f8448f92f">Re: Opinions please.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinions please. : Nope. Really and truly asexual :) I was even the head of the asexual section of my college's LGBTA alliance. I just included that as a "follow what's right for you even if it seems like no one else is like you" thing. Believe me, asexuals know aaaaall about that
Posted by zipis1[/QUOTE]

Yes, I'm curious, too! I've met and have friends who are LGBT, but never met anyone openly asexual. I'm curious if this is something you've always known so never tried sex, or tried it and just really wasn't interested so you choose not to do it again? And how do asexuals go about building relationships with non-asexuals? When one partner has interest in sex, does that make it complicated? You say your BF is "essentially" asexual - if it isn't too personal (and feel free not to answer, obviously) but what if he did have some sexual interests? How would you guys handle that?

nefariousmango · July 2010

Narwhal- No offense meant! I don't think it was you I was responding to... but there were a lot of posts to sift through so I may just have overlooked who posted it altogether!

I agree- doing what you BELIEVE is important deserves honor (as long as it doesn't hurt anybody else) but waiting until marriage because it's culturally easier, as you say, is completely different!

nefariousmango · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_opinions-please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3574c05c-b20a-4d04-96a7-9dd1f13b5531Post:d0d8c8c0-d39d-4bc5-9d21-fa24a27ee50f">Re: Opinions please.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinions please. : <3 I am so proud to know someone who thinks like that!
Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

**Blush**

zipis1 · July 2010

Not too personal at all. I am very, very open about my asexuality and never mind answering questions. I'll give you guys a really great site to read stuff:

http://www.asexuality.org/home/

Asexuality is a strange one as far as that scale goes (and the Kinsey scale). It basically has a scale in and of itself. There are asexuals who are aromantic (so don't date. One of my best friends is this one and I'm about 99% aromantic myself. BF was my 1%

), and asexuals who want relationships but not sex. There are also asexuals who don't masturbate and those that do (but still aren't interested in sex with another person), and asexuals who make a conscious decision to have sex with a partner because they figure it's a worthwhile "sacrifice" for the sake of their relationship. It's truly complex and not only do asexuals have to find out and accept their asexuality, but they also have to figure out where on the asexual scale they fall in order to start living well in their own skin (and believe me, that journey sucked. But I'm good now :P)

Asexuality is still kinda an "unknown" sexuality. I mean, it's known about, but it's estimated that only about 1% of the population is asexual, so not too many people are accepting of it (we're told we're dysfunctional a lot. Part of what makes the discovery journey suck

) or really aware of it. The 'A' is starting to be tacked onto LGBT more often of late though, so perhaps you'll start seeing it around more :P

As far as whether I knew since forever? Mostly yes but partially no. I knew I was different and not interested in sex, but I didn't know why and I just made excuses for it (like the boys I knew in high school were nothing but annoying. Which while true wasn't the whole truth). Then once it became apparent I still wasn't interested at the end of high school and the beginning of college I started to feel rather broken. That's when I met my asexual friend and then things started making sense. It was awesome. Then I met BF, became REALLY confused, soul searched again, and figured out where I stand in asexuality. And things were good again.

As far as building relationships with non-asexuals, that's where you get into sticky territory and why asexuals kind of made up their own scale :P Some won't get into a relationship with a sexual person, others decide to have an open relationship, and others still decide that they'll just go ahead and have sex because it's not a big deal if it means staying with their love.

BF and I discussed our options were he to ever decide he'd like to start having sex, and it was somewhat unfortunately decided that that is a scenario wherein we won't know for sure what will happen unless we're faced with it. It would likely come down to either break up or take one for the team (I don't think I could handle an open relationship).

Any other questions feel free to ask. I don't mind at all

catemeg · July 2010

Thanks so much for your honesty! That's really interesting - I've never heard of that, though I'm not surprised at all that it exists and has a name.

I'm sure that was super complicated when you were in school growing up, learning about puberty and hormones and just weren't interested in sex at all. I had the opposite problem - I became sexual at a very young age, even masterbating (though I had no idea that's what I was doing) since early childhood. I'm usually the one with the higher sex drive in a relationship, which has made some of my ex-boyfriends feel inadequate. It makes sense that there should be a separate scale for sex drive, and then a scale for orientation.

run21 · July 2010

Zip YGPM!

leia1979 · July 2010

Really fascinating, zipis. Thanks for sharing! It's thought provoking stuff.

I can kind of understand the being called dysfunctional part. I had an ex-bf who bought me a therapy book because he thought there was something wrong with me because I'm not very interested in sex. While I don't think I'm asexual, I'm not interested most of the time, and I tended to think (and be told) that there's something wrong with me. Maybe there's nothing wrong with me and that's just how I am!

jeanacorina · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_opinions-please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3574c05c-b20a-4d04-96a7-9dd1f13b5531Post:ee501a47-2319-4410-bc2d-ac0e350d7bde">Re: Opinions please.</a>:
[QUOTE]Really fascinating, zipis. Thanks for sharing! It's thought provoking stuff. I can kind of understand the being called dysfunctional part. I had an ex-bf who bought me a therapy book because he thought there was something wrong with me because I'm not very interested in sex. While I don't think I'm asexual, I'm not interested most of the time, and I tended to think (and be told) that there's something wrong with me. Maybe there's nothing wrong with me and that's just how I am!
Posted by leia1979[/QUOTE]

I usually assume BC Pills are my problem. But who knows, maybe I'm just naturally less interested than most other people.

zipis1 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_opinions-please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3574c05c-b20a-4d04-96a7-9dd1f13b5531Post:ade5f2f2-8a5e-4458-95a0-067ab1a7bee0">Re: Opinions please.</a>:
[QUOTE]Zip YGPM!
Posted by run21[/QUOTE]

OMG yay! I gots a PM! *spends an hour finding it cuz this site can be confusing*

YGPM too :D

It was indeed quite confusing when I was younger. My friends and sister would talk about how they want to do X with boy Y, and don't you hate it when that's all you can think about? To which I could only counter, "Uhhh...I hate this math book." I got practice bean dipping early in life :P

Unfortunately I still have to deal with people who are quite rude and closed minded about asexuality. People even go so far as to tell me to take hormones "because your life sounds sad." Those comments were MUCH more hurtful before I knew I was OK though. Now that I know me, they're mostly really irritating (though it remains a sore spot, I won't lie).

And Leia and Jeanna, it is definitely possible that's just the way you are. And if it is and you're happy with it own it! :P If people are uncomfortable/unhappy with the idea I recommend they have their hormones checked (as there is always the chance of low testosterone. My mom made me get checked [thanks, Mom!] and I'm in the clear), but again if you're happy with it continue on :)

dwest2201 · July 2010

To those who are waiting and have had talks about all things sex congratulations, it will still be an adjustment when you finally "do it" but knowing where each other stands will make things a lot easier.

As for me... Neither FI or I were virgins (obviously I was previously married and have a kid, right?) Anyways, my first was right after high-school (it was actually FI's then best friend who I dated for two years) we had talked lots about the future and marriage etc and we thought we were going to be together forever. A little over a year into college and he wasn't thinking the same way anymore. After that I had a little fun then I met my exH and settled down and post separation I started dating FI. I've been with more than a couple people and learned something about myself and about sex in general from each one of them, I have no regrets. After being with a few others and then being with FI I can honestly say that the sex that we have is the best, by a long shot. We both have high sex drives and are open with each other... it makes a huge difference.

Also, all of this talk about asexuality has me thinking that my exH was/is asexual.

Oh and if we have president Mutley and VP Button (is that right?) then I vote Hetshup for Sex chair because what she said was spot on!

hetshup · July 2010

I'm def going to need an embroidered pillow. I will proudly display it in my home.

Acrosthec · July 2010

Zip, thank you so much for being so open. I'm in the same boat with Leia and Jeana I guess, and everyone always thought I was weird or wired wrong. I just kind of dismissed it and never let it get to me, but it was hard dating guys that wanted sex ALL. THE. TIME. and I just...didn't. FI is similiar. He dated girls who thought he didn't love them because he DIDN'T want sex all the time. We actually feel very lucky to have found each other.

The only question I have that you haven't already answered is how do you handle the idea of children? Is it just the sexual aspect of sex that you're not interested in, but you would have sex for procreation, or would you avoid it altogether and adopt if you wanted to have children?

Thanks again for handling everyone's questions so openly. It's refreshing, and this is one of the few times I find that having been on TK has actually made me feel smarter and more informed. :-)

Narwhal · July 2010

I think that it's more common than not (at least for women) to not be intensely interested in sex. I know that I take some serious coaxing to get in the mood, and BF is always up for it (he was asking for it while he was recovering from mono) but it hasn't caused a strain. He knows when I'm really not interested and when I just don't feel like making the effort. If it's the latter, I'll just let him start and then I'll get into it later (whoa tmi. haha) and that works for us.

Here's an interesting factoid:
Women who naturally are more "hairy" tend to be naturally hornier, since both are tied to higher testosterone levels.

catemeg · July 2010

Acro, Zip has already told us in previous posts she doesn't want kids. But I'm curious how other asexual people handle it, so still a very valid question!

Narwhal, I think that's funny about hairy people liking sex. I'm sure there's plenty of exceptions, but it's an interesting connection. Now when I see men wearing their own hair sweaters on the beach I'm just going to think of how horny they must be... ewww!

dwest2201 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_opinions-please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3574c05c-b20a-4d04-96a7-9dd1f13b5531Post:77cc8a44-7b77-40c1-9041-d6142e911f80">Re: Opinions please.</a>:
[QUOTE]Acro, Zip has already told us in previous posts she doesn't want kids. But I'm curious how other asexual people handle it, so still a very valid question! Narwhal, I think that's funny about hairy people liking sex. I'm sure there's plenty of exceptions, but it's an interesting connection. Now when I see men wearing their own hair sweaters on the beach I'm just going to think of how horny they must be... ewww!
Posted by catemeg[/QUOTE]

I just threw up in my mouth, damn you! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-yell.gif" border="0" alt="Yell" title="Yell" />

zipis1 · July 2010

For me personally children is a bit of a non-issue, as I don't want them (my cortisol levels spike sharply whenever I'm within 10 feet of one :P). However, if for some reason I decided I wanted any I would probably adopt. That's partially due to the asexual thing but also because pregnant bellies kinda weird me out. They're just so stretchy!

As for other asexuals and the kids issue, it seems most don't wants kids either so for many it's a non-issue as well. But there's a woman in an online asexual group I'm a part of who wants kids really badly, so she's willling to have sex to conceive them (but she also is willing to have sex to keep her relationship. Though her husband has a very, very low sex drive so that's easy on her). Some will do IVF when they want a bio kid but still are unwilling to do-the-do. Adoption is what I think most who want kids do, though.

Acrosthec · July 2010

Interesting. And thanks again for rockin' and rollin' with all the questions!

Mariemoosh...sorry for the threadjacking, but I hope you got the answers/advice you needed before it happened! :-)

Opinions please.

Re: Opinions please.

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