Just kicked out my MoH, would you have done the same?

batsymannequin · February 2010

I love my sister, that's why I asked her to be my MoH. But she was holding up our plans to a point where I had to let her go.

She lives in Ontario, I live in the Detroit Area. It takes about 3 hours to get to her place from mine, so when I asked her to be my MoH in August, I knew she wouldn't be able to come down all the time, etc. New laws require a passport to enter the US- and our Dad gave her that money in August as well. I was the one that handed it to her!

So, I start talking about bridesmaid dresses with her and my other BM in September, and we make plans to do a fitting in October. She ends up not being able to make it, because she says she's really stressed out and can't afford to get a passport or travel down. Despite handing passport money to her a month earlier, I give her a break. We make plans in November and December, same deal. She's too stressed out, can't afford to take a day off work, has way too much going on, she still hasn't gotten a passport, and THEN she drops the bomb that she can't afford a dress, essentially telling me that I will have to buy it for her. This is coming from a girl that goes out to the bar and spending money on booze every weekend! So, January comes around. The bridal shop informs me that we need to order the bridesmaid dresses in the next couple of weeks to ensure they get delivered in time for alterations. I inform my sister that she needs to get down here ASAP, and if she can't, at least send me her measurements so we can order the dress and get things moving.

She couldn't even send me her measurements, I have her a whole month to give me some freaking measurements.

Then, she pulls out the same excuses she used before, and she STILL hasn't gotten a passport.

By that point, FI had already been talking about throwing her out of the wedding and I had enough of her shenanigans. It's been six months since we gave her the money for a passport, and five months since I asked her to come down for a fitting. She still hasn't done either. I even offered to help with travel costs, dress costs, everything costs because I really wanted her in my wedding. But if she can't make the time to come down here, I can't do anything about it.

So, I finally told her to forget it. Would you have done it differently, or would you have done the same thing?

stina93446 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_just-kicked-out-moh-would-done-same?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3e93d24d-4095-47d1-80a9-2fe3a096fb44Post:212522e7-7634-4f61-932f-36792351be32">Just kicked out my MoH, would you have done the same?</a>:
[QUOTE]I love my sister, that's why I asked her to be my MoH. But she was holding up our plans to a point where I had to let her go. She lives in Ontario, I live in the Detroit Area. It takes about 3 hours to get to her place from mine, so when I asked her to be my MoH in August, I knew she wouldn't be able to come down all the time, etc. New laws require a passport to enter the US- and our Dad gave her that money in August as well. I was the one that handed it to her! So, I start talking about bridesmaid dresses with her and my other BM in September, and we make plans to do a fitting in October. She ends up not being able to make it, because she says she's really stressed out and can't afford to get a passport or travel down. Despite handing passport money to her a month earlier, I give her a break. We make plans in November and December, same deal. She's too stressed out, can't afford to take a day off work, has way too much going on, she still hasn't gotten a passport, and THEN she drops the bomb that she can't afford a dress, essentially telling me that I will have to buy it for her. This is coming from a girl that goes out to the bar and spending money on booze every weekend! So, January comes around. The bridal shop informs me that we need to order the bridesmaid dresses in the next couple of weeks to ensure they get delivered in time for alterations. I inform my sister that she needs to get down here ASAP, and if she can't, at least send me her measurements so we can order the dress and get things moving. She couldn't even send me her measurements, I have her a whole month to give me some freaking measurements. Then, she pulls out the same excuses she used before, and she STILL hasn't gotten a passport. By that point, FI had already been talking about throwing her out of the wedding and I had enough of her shenanigans. It's been six months since we gave her the money for a passport, and five months since I asked her to come down for a fitting. She still hasn't done either. I even offered to help with travel costs, dress costs, everything costs because I really wanted her in my wedding. But if she can't make the time to come down here, I can't do anything about it. So, I finally told her to forget it. Would you have done it differently, or would you have done the same thing?
Posted by batsymannequin[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Oh no, you've done it now! You should NEVER kick out a bm unless she tries sleeping with your FI. It's so much worse that she's your sis. Did you ever ask her how much she could afford on a dress? Why did you need her to attend a bm try on with you? Why couldn't you just give her the dress criteria and have her do it herself? She's a big girl. No matter why you kicked her out, YOU are the one who looks bad. The fact that she is family is bad because everyone will hear wind of this. Call her up, apologize, and try to be more considerate to her.</div><div>
</div><div>She can do fittings in Ontario. They have seamstresses up there, you know. I would definitely not have done it this way, nor would any of the regs kick their bms out for something so stupid. You really need to step out of your own wedding and realize that this is a horrible way to treat sisters or friends.

</div>

trix1223 · February 2010

You were wrong. You have very publicly insulted your sister over what.....a dress? Because that's what this all boils down to. A dress. Forget everything else, this is you being p!ssed off because she wouldn't come and try on......a dress.

There's just no possible way that you come out of this looking like anything other than a 'zilla. I suggest you call your sister, plead temporary wedding insanity, and try to make amends.

Are you really willing to trash your relationship with your sister over.....a dress?

MyNameIsNot · February 2010

Not in a million years would I ever, ever dream of treating my sister the way you have.

I actually love my sister and value our relationship. I would never trash it over a dress.

megk8oz · February 2010

My MOH (My little sister) got her dress altered less than a week before my wedding.

Was I stressed beyond belief about it and tempted to kill her? Hell yeah!

Did I kick her out? Hell no!

The wedding lasts for one day, she's my sister for life. She's a little dippy and immature (She's 19) sometimes, and she hasn't quite grasped that the world doesn't always run on "her time". Sometimes it's annoying, but honestly, that's who she is, and I've always known this about her.

She knew what dress she had to wear and what date she had to wear it on, so while I wanted to kill her, I really needed to sit back and just remind myself that as long as she had the dress ready to go day of, then anything leading up to that did not matter in the slightest.

aerinpegadrak · February 2010

Wow. That's really sad. I don't think there's any way I would have crossed national borders to go try on a freaking dress, so I don't blame your sister one bit for that.

Frankly, it doesn't matter how much of a pain she's been, the bride always looks like the bad guy in cases like these. Plus, with family involved, it gets even worse. Do you realize that you may have just created the sort of family feud that lasts generations? I'm not remotely exaggerating. My mom has an uncle, aunt, and cousins she's never met because of something stupid like this at a wedding 60 years ago. She would be fully justified in never speaking to you again.

If I were you, I'd get on the phone and grovel. You majorly overreacted. If she doesn't get the passport or the dress, then she's removed herself from the wedding. But making that decision for her is a big mistake.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

No, I wouldn't have done the same.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

By the way, you don't exactly get a passport overnight. Especially while outside the country. And why couldn't she just get a dress on her side of the border that coordinates with the other BMs? She is (was) the MOH after all, a different dress wouldn't have exactly rocked the foundations of wedding etiquette.

mrsamyjones · February 2010

wow, you should call your sister and try to make ammends. The fact that you "fired" your sister is really rude, way worse than her being flighty about a dress and a passport. I'd be dialing as I read this.

swim1011 · February 2010

No, I wouldn't have done the same, and you majorly messed this up. Weddings are a great way to alienate the people closest to you, simply by doing something stupid like this. You should call your sister and start apologizing.

pokepoke27 · February 2010

Honestly it sounds like there may be some deeper problems here. Why hasn't she applied for a passport? Doesn't she ever plan on seeing you? Why can't she afford anything even with your help? While kicking her out does seem a little harsh, you can't chance her not even showing up on the wedding day. My mom wanted me to pick my younger sister as my MOH but I decided against it, it just wasn't practical. I would definitely try to talk to her and reason it out though. Try being honest without being mean and you may be able to salvage both your relationship and her status as MOH

[Deleted User] · February 2010

Huh, I actually disagree with every PP. I see nothing wrong with telling your sister she is no longer MOH. While I think you could have handled the dress thing differently (such as having her buy a dress and have it altered up there), she also handled it wrong, considering you offered to help offset the costs. Also, she had plenty of time to get a passport. I got mine in a couple weeks, no problem. Your sister is lazy.

Now, I'm not saying that being a bride gives you the right to demand everything and boss people around and treat them like crap, but you do have to draw the line at some point, family or not. My MOH is my best friend and former stepsister, so we grew up together and consider each other family. But, if she refused to take care of travel issues or even acknowledge that I needed her measurements, I'd have no problem asking her if she needed to step down as MOH (especially since I have not asked her to do a single thing for the wedding).

Ultimately, it comes down to your relationship with your sister. Were you close before, does she always do this and so you should have expected it? Or is this out of the blue, and maybe something else is going on?

jennylove810 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_just-kicked-out-moh-would-done-same?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3e93d24d-4095-47d1-80a9-2fe3a096fb44Post:aafb690b-f24e-4040-adb0-cd096ff9c1ee">Re: Just kicked out my MoH, would you have done the same?</a>:
[QUOTE]Huh, I actually disagree with every PP. I see nothing wrong with telling your sister she is no longer MOH. While I think you could have handled the dress thing differently (such as having her buy a dress and have it altered up there), she also handled it wrong, considering you offered to help offset the costs. Also, she had plenty of time to get a passport. I got mine in a couple weeks, no problem. Your sister is lazy. Now, I'm not saying that being a bride gives you the right to demand everything and boss people around and treat them like crap, but you do have to draw the line at some point, family or not. My MOH is my best friend and former stepsister, so we grew up together and consider each other family. But, if she refused to take care of travel issues or even acknowledge that I needed her measurements, I'd have no problem asking her if she needed to step down as MOH (especially since I have not asked her to do a single thing for the wedding). Ultimately, it comes down to your relationship with your sister. Were you close before, does she always do this and so you should have expected it? Or is this out of the blue, and maybe something else is going on?
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

I actually find myself agreeing with this, and I normally DON'T feel there's much of a good reason to kick out a member of the WP. If it were my sister, I probably would have suffered in silence and been endlessly frustrated, but I do feel that as sisters, friends, and brides, (and this is not exclusive to wedding-related things) we should be able to reasonably expect our friends and loved ones to follow through on their commitments.

mbcdefg · February 2010

I would've just left it up to her to get the dress on her own time, and if she didn't then she would've taken herself out of the wedding on her own. I wouldn't have kicked my sister out of my wedding over a dress.

I hope your relationship with her isn't strained from now on because of this.

rodeo417 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_just-kicked-out-moh-would-done-same?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3e93d24d-4095-47d1-80a9-2fe3a096fb44Post:aafb690b-f24e-4040-adb0-cd096ff9c1ee">Re: Just kicked out my MoH, would you have done the same?</a>:
[QUOTE]Huh, I actually disagree with every PP. I see nothing wrong with telling your sister she is no longer MOH. While I think you could have handled the dress thing differently (such as having her buy a dress and have it altered up there), she also handled it wrong, considering you offered to help offset the costs. Also, she had plenty of time to get a passport. I got mine in a couple weeks, no problem. Your sister is lazy. Now, I'm not saying that being a bride gives you the right to demand everything and boss people around and treat them like crap, but you do have to draw the line at some point, family or not. My MOH is my best friend and former stepsister, so we grew up together and consider each other family. But, if she refused to take care of travel issues or even acknowledge that I needed her measurements, I'd have no problem asking her if she needed to step down as MOH (especially since I have not asked her to do a single thing for the wedding). Ultimately, it comes down to your relationship with your sister. Were you close before, does she always do this and so you should have expected it? Or is this out of the blue, and maybe something else is going on?
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

I agree with this... I would maybe demoted her to just a BM if that. You tried to compromise and help but if she is more interested in partying then could you picture what would happen the day of the wedding? Don't feel bad. Go with your gut feeling on it.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

The message sent is "I care more about a dress than I do about working out whatever problems we might have." Since it's her sister, this may have reverberations far beyond the wedding. Even though she's totally being difficult and a pain, a tie never goes to the bride, especially when it's her own sister. Taking the long view, I don't think this was a good decision.

gottahavashorti · February 2010

Ditto malphabet. It's her decision to leave the WP, not yours.

AlmostMrs.Munoz · February 2010

Wow. I can't belive people can justify this type of behavior. I would NEVER do this and I think you were completely wrong for doing this to your sister. I'm sure if your sister didn't get her passport and was really too busy to take off work, there was probably a valid reason. Maybe she is financially strained right now (seems to me like not being able to afford a dress, not being able to take time off from work and most likely using her passport $ for something else indicates that she is) and is very much prepoccupied with her financial problems. Is seems VERY insensitive and rude to not consider her situation. I know you offered to pay for her trip, expenses, etc. but sometimes people don't have the luxury of taking time off work. Period. YOU ARE HER SISTER. You of all people should be sympathetic and considerate. Is it a little stressful that this is happening, absolutely, but you have potentially permanently damaged a good relationship (i assume good because you asked her to be your MOH in the first place) over a dress. Wow. Sad times for you.

SarahPLiz · February 2010

I would have never done this. And your wedding is in 4 months. Its too early to be freaking out about a dress. Its a piece of cloth FFS. She is a person, and your sister.
My little sister probably would have been the same way, because she is in college and very busy, so I guessed her size and bought her one. My mom can alter it before the wedding. Things like dresses are so trivial.

emilykathleen511 · February 2010

She is your SISTER. Give her a break. Apologize profusely and make things right with her. Treat her as a sister first and a bridesmaid second, ALWAYS.

deepcovejackie · February 2010

I think what you did was very wrong, for the reasons already outlined for you by previous posters. Call your sister and apologize before this gets any worse.

SassyBrass · February 2010

I'm a bit conflicted here. Bottom line, you should not have kicked her out.
In your defense- if you gave her money for a passport and she still hasn't gotten it, I'd wonder when she's going to. Is this gonna be a last minute deal right before she needs to come down for the wedding? I have a feeling that money is gone. And I don't necessarily agree with her blowing off the arrangements you set far enough in advance.
In her defense- Every time you are asking for an explaination, she's telling you that she's stressed out. Do you know what is making her stressed? Are you talking with her, or are you calling and asking about what she's doing for your wedding?
And no, it's not grounds to kick her out. I do think you both need to have a talk and figure out what's really going on with her. If all you are doing is asking her about your wedding and her part in it, I can see why she'd burn out about it.

Please call her and get this settled. It's not worth losing a sister or that relationship.

banana468 · February 2010

I can't agree with what you did.

However I have to wonder what's going on with your sister if she's spending her money on the wrong things. That you gave her money for a passport (well, you gave her the money that your father gave her) and she spent it on something else leads me to believe that there are some MUCH deeper issues with your sister here. And while she's being very flaky and not a good MOH (hey, we all say she needs to buy the dress and show up and she's teetering on not buying it) I'd be more concerned that since she's so far away and she's not coming to the US, if you're NOT going to Ontario, is it possible she's mixed up in some ugly stuff?

That would be my first concern - long before any wedding. Generally, when people are not spending their money on the "right" stuff, it's a large sign that they're doing some very wrong things.

emilyinchile · February 2010

I agree with everyone who's said it seems like there are bigger problems here that you should look at from a sister point of view rather than a bride/BM point of view. It just seems very strange to me that your sister would take money from you for a specific purpose and then spend it on something else. Is that normal for her?

That said, I don't agree with what you did. I can imagine how upset and frustrated you must feel, but kicking her out is a HUGE snub. She still has time to clean up her act and find a dress - either as a rush order or second hand (ebay, TTT board on the Nest, etc). And since the only requirement is that she have the dress by your wedding day, that would be fine. If she doesn't, then you're down a BM on the day, and I'm sure you'd want to talk to her about how that makes you feel, but at least you're not the one essentially telling your sister to f*ck off, which will probably affect your relationship for a long time.

Also, your FI has no business deciding who should be standing up on your side, and it's honestly kind of a red flag to me that he's been pushing so hard to kick out not just any old friend but your sister. Regardless of how he gets along with her, he's marrying into your family, and I think he should respect that.

AdeleDazeem · February 2010

I really agree with malphabet here (can I call you that?

)

If she didn't get the dress, then she has removed herself. But I would have never in a million years told her she was out.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_just-kicked-out-moh-would-done-same?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3e93d24d-4095-47d1-80a9-2fe3a096fb44Post:94fe9e8d-d8c3-4ea2-8535-ac894c3e46e6">Re: Just kicked out my MoH, would you have done the same?</a>:
[QUOTE]I really agree with malphabet here (can I call you that? :)) If she didn't get the dress, then she has removed herself. But I would have never in a million years told her she was out.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

<div>Exactly. Plus not having the dress<strong> 4 months</strong> before the wedding is hardly failing to get the dress in my book, and therefore she hasn't removed herself. She has plenty of time to get something. She just isn't ordering with the other BMs. Hardly a fireable offense. Especially if this is in keeping with her personality (wait-til-the-last-minute kind of gal).</div>

mandybear7 · February 2010

It sounds like your sister may really be struggling emotionally. Have you talked to her as a sister (not as your MOH) about what is going on in her life? Did she have to use the passport money to pay rent? Why is she boozing all the time- is she depressed? Instead of calling and harassing her about a dress, you should call and ask her if she is okay!

KatieMae88 · February 2010

I wouldn't have kicked her out but I can understand the anger. Some people just need to get it together, especially a sister who should understand how important this is to the bride. This kind of thing is extra stress someone does not need.

nmill349 · February 2010

I would have kicked her to the curb! I dont know who made up the rule that if a bridesmaid doesnt want to cooperate that your cant replace them! That is complete BS. This is your wedding and if she isn't following suite and it is cutting close to the wedding....NEXT! I would have no problem. Lucky for me all my bridesmaids got their dresses when I needed them too....Except my Matron of Honor I actually had to pay for her's...but someone else may be wearing her dress! Good luck to you!

MyNameIsNot · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_just-kicked-out-moh-would-done-same?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3e93d24d-4095-47d1-80a9-2fe3a096fb44Post:2341d845-3a07-4e65-ba35-6b8336a34a71">Re: Just kicked out my MoH, would you have done the same?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would have kicked her to the curb! I dont know who made up the rule that if a bridesmaid doesnt want to cooperate that your cant replace them! That is complete BS. This is your wedding and if she isn't following suite and it is cutting close to the wedding....NEXT! I would have no problem. Lucky for me all my bridesmaids got their dresses when I needed them too....Except my Matron of Honor I actually had to pay for her's...but someone else may be wearing her dress! Good luck to you!
Posted by nmill349[/QUOTE]

Aren't you a peach?

Who cares if you treat people like dirt. I mean, your wedding is all that really matters, right?

bablingbrooke · February 2010

MNIN, she's clearly a troll. Ignore her and she'll go away.

Just kicked out my MoH, would you have done the same?

Re: Just kicked out my MoH, would you have done the same?

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