Bride Demanding $800+ in PreWedding Celebrations!

michelleada · March 2010

Help!

I am a MOH for a friend's wedding this summer and she is going crazy demanding prewedding activities that are costing me a fortune! This includes a girl's only weekend getaway and a bridal shower that has to be at a catered venue based on what she wants (the cheapest-- and most acceptable place-- I found for her is a minimum of $400). Her other bridesmaids are too young to contribute financially to the celebrations-- leaving me with the bill (the weekend getaway for her bill alone [not including me] will be over $300).

How do I deal with this in a way that lets her understand that I would love to do these things for her but with the cost of getting to the wedding (I'm out of state and the trip to the wedding-- hotel, flight, car will cost $800) and the cost of the wedding attire (dress $250 not including alterations) that I just cannot afford to spend the $300 for the weekend getaway (plus mine which will equal $600) and then $400+ for the bridal shower? I'm looking at spending $2000 before I even get her a present (which, I can count the present as these activities, right?).

What do I do? I am having anxiety attacks over this because with the economy the way it is, I cannot afford these demands. I have things I need to take care of in my own life that are not going to be able to be completed because of this wedding.

I need advice.... please. I love this girl as a sister-- but, I cannot get her to understand that I do not have a ton of money to shell out. I worry that if I don't do these things for her that our friendship will be in jeapardy.

gottahavashorti · March 2010

Just say no. It's not her place to dictate pre-wedding parties or plan them, or to demand that she even gets them.

Laugh it off as "Woudln't it be great if bachelorettes and showers could be like that in real life? I can't even imagine what that would be like!" and if you do want to throw a bachelorette and/or shower, maybe tell her that you want it to be a surprise and hopefully that will keep her out of the planning.

bablingbrooke · March 2010

Tell her that you love her and would love to throw her that kind of party, but this isn't Platinum Weddings and you don't have an unlimited budget. Hopefully that makes her remember herself. If not, you'll see what kind of friend she really is.

lalap69 · March 2010

Tell her sorry, you love her, but it's just not in the budget. Some women lose their minds during their engagements and it looks like your friend is one of them. She shouldn't be dictating what parties are thrown for her anyway.

My FMIL throws showers with a group of her girlfriends at her house all the time. You could even do a potluck type of thing to keep costs down. If she's unhappy with that, then she's being ungrateful and doesn't deserve a shower at all.

michelleada · March 2010

Thanks for the advice. It is difficult because everyone is out of town (except the bride and the groom). I was going to do a casual thing for the shower but then she got her family involved that basically told me it was unacceptable and then she hopped on board with that. I've been in so many weddings before (12+) and this has never been an issue. I love throwing parties-- but, not when someone is saying "that isn't classy enough" or "the food needs to be more formal."

I'm just so stressed out that I'm not sure how to even approach the topic with her. I tried to lay out a budget in the beginning when she asked me to be MOH but she got all quiet and stand-offish with me-- basically laying on the guilt. Then, I tried again when the family said that my plans were unacceptable and she was said something along the lines of "well, they are my family. I cannot have my family mad at me"-- basically taking their side (but the family isn't chipping in at all!). Ugh. This has turned into a nightmare.

emilykathleen511 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bride-demanding-800-prewedding-celebrations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8f5d9fcc-5da1-4890-82b1-6d44e338739cPost:c80354b1-1ed3-4e4a-a13b-c31e8f38cfdc">Bride Demanding $800+ in PreWedding Celebrations!</a>:
[QUOTE]Help! I am a MOH for a friend's wedding this summer and she is going crazy demanding prewedding activities that are costing me a fortune! This includes a girl's only weekend getaway and a bridal shower that has to be at a catered venue based on what she wants (the cheapest-- and most acceptable place-- I found for her is a minimum of $400). Her other bridesmaids are too young to contribute financially to the celebrations-- leaving me with the bill (the weekend getaway for her bill alone [not including me] will be over $300). How do I deal with this in a way that lets her understand that I would love to do these things for her but with the cost of getting to the wedding (I'm out of state and the trip to the wedding-- hotel, flight, car will cost $800) and the cost of the wedding attire (dress $250 not including alterations) that I just cannot afford to spend the $300 for the weekend getaway (plus mine which will equal $600) and then $400+ for the bridal shower? I'm looking at spending $2000 before I even get her a present (which, I can count the present as these activities, right?). What do I do? I am having anxiety attacks over this because with the economy the way it is, I cannot afford these demands. I have things I need to take care of in my own life that are not going to be able to be completed because of this wedding. I need advice.... please. I love this girl as a sister-- but, I cannot get her to understand that I do not have a ton of money to shell out. I worry that if I don't do these things for her that our friendship will be in jeapardy.
Posted by michelleada[/QUOTE]

<div>Your friend has been taken hostage by the wedding industry...hopefully when you laugh it off and say that she is a big dreamer, she'll get a reality check. She doesn't get to dictate the type of shower or bachelorette party she gets--heck she doesn't get to say that she gets one at all. Those parties are gifts for the bride that she gets only if someone offers. She should thank her lucky stars that she even gets these parties at all. Wow, can't believe the entitlement some people have!</div>

gottahavashorti · March 2010

If her family wants the parties to be a certain way, they may absolutely pay for and plan them. Otherwise, they have no say unless there's a major issue like a non-estranged mother of the bride not being invited to the shower. If your friend can't accept not having a shower or having a simple at home event, she needs to re-evaluate.

lalap69 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bride-demanding-800-prewedding-celebrations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8f5d9fcc-5da1-4890-82b1-6d44e338739cPost:554653bf-ff79-4880-a00e-97e604c9dc62">Re: Bride Demanding $800+ in PreWedding Celebrations!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the advice. It is difficult because everyone is out of town (except the bride and the groom). I was going to do a casual thing for the shower but then she got her family involved that basically told me it was unacceptable and then she hopped on board with that. I've been in so many weddings before (12+) and this has never been an issue. I love throwing parties-- but, not when someone is saying "that isn't classy enough" or "the food needs to be more formal." I'm just so stressed out that I'm not sure how to even approach the topic with her. I tried to lay out a budget in the beginning when she asked me to be MOH but she got all quiet and stand-offish with me-- basically laying on the guilt. Then, I tried again when the family said that my plans were unacceptable and she was said something along the lines of "well, they are my family. I cannot have my family mad at me"-- basically taking their side (but the family isn't chipping in at all!). Ugh. This has turned into a nightmare.
Posted by michelleada[/QUOTE]
That is when you say "If they're not happy with what I've planned, I'm more than happy to step aside and they can host your shower instead."

You do not OWE her a shower. I understand that this is hard for you because there's no one else in the picture, but at the same time, it makes it easier because you don't have to worry about getting anyone else on board. It's about what you're comfortable with, and you shouldn't be going into debt so that your friend can have a party.

I think that you should just plan the party that you can afford (if you want to) and don't share the planning with her at all. If this upset her, tell her that you don't have to host if she's not happy with what you're doing. Put it back on her, where it belongs.

emilykathleen511 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bride-demanding-800-prewedding-celebrations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8f5d9fcc-5da1-4890-82b1-6d44e338739cPost:554653bf-ff79-4880-a00e-97e604c9dc62">Re: Bride Demanding $800+ in PreWedding Celebrations!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the advice. It is difficult because everyone is out of town (except the bride and the groom). I was going to do a casual thing for the shower but then she got her family involved that basically told me it was unacceptable and then she hopped on board with that. I've been in so many weddings before (12+) and this has never been an issue. I love throwing parties-- but, not when someone is saying "that isn't classy enough" or "the food needs to be more formal." I'm just so stressed out that I'm not sure how to even approach the topic with her. I tried to lay out a budget in the beginning when she asked me to be MOH but she got all quiet and stand-offish with me-- basically laying on the guilt. Then, I tried again when the family said that my plans were unacceptable and she was said something along the lines of "well, they are my family. I cannot have my family mad at me"-- basically taking their side (but the family isn't chipping in at all!). Ugh. This has turned into a nightmare.
Posted by michelleada[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>In this case I would politely say to her family what you are able to afford and say that if they would like something more elaborate they are welcome to contribute and co-host the party with you. They sound lovely /sarcasm.</div><div>
</div><div>I'm sorry that she is putting you in this position. That is crappy of her.

</div>

bablingbrooke · March 2010

Then the family can throw the shower if they require something so fancy. If she says "That's tacky for the family to throw the shower" you say "It's rude to tell someone how much money they have to spend without offering to help pay, and I won't do it." Again, this will tell you what kind of friend she truly is.

MairePoppy · March 2010

I love this girl as a sister-- but, I cannot get her to understand that I do not have a ton of money to shell out. I worry that if I don't do these things for her that our friendship will be in jeapardy.
Posted by michelleada[/QUOTE]

She doesn't sound like much of a friend. You should offer to step down as her MOH, since you can't afford all the things that she expects. She is being ridiculous.

abbygrace8 · March 2010

jeez, that sounds like you're between a rock and a hard place. it was pointed out to me a few days ago that bridesmaid responsibilities lay in buying a dress and showing up. anything they do beyond that should be out of the goodness of their hearts. a bridesmaid should be chosen because the bride loves you and wants to honor you by asking you to take part in her and her fiancés day, not because she wants you to honor her. there is absolutely no reason you need to spend so much- $2,000? That's ridiculous! Tell your bride that you'd love to give her everything she wants, but thats she's giving you panic attacks. if she sticks out her bottom lip, pouts about it, and has the nerve to make you feel like you've done something wrong again, i recommend stepping down. do you really want to be around when the wedding happens? i sure wouldn't...

banana468 · March 2010

I think now's the perfect time to say, "This is what I CAN do and if you don't think that's enough, I'll happily attend as your guest,"

She's not just taken hostage by the bridal industry - she's not acting as a very nice person right now. If she doesn't get it, even a heart to heart could work, "Honey I love you and I know that these things seem like the norm but I just can't afford it and I feel like I'm being made to feel like less of a person because of it. I know you'd never stop talking to me because I can't give you these expensive things but sometimes that's how I feel."

swim1011 · March 2010

Are you sure this girl is really that good of a friend? I would never demand tha tmy MOH pay for a bridal shower/b-party that she couldn't afford. I feel lucky to be having either one, honestly. If you talk to her and she becomes stand offish again, I would tell her that the financial obligation is just too great, and that you would prefer to only attend her wedding as a guest.

With the way your friend sounds, you may not even get an invite if you pass on the MOH duties, but it sounds like you'll be better in the long run. Do you really want to feel bitter about spending $2k+ on a friend every time you see her, and know that she didn't really care that it strained you financially?

LoveBugBaby · March 2010

You need to do what YOU can afford for her. And if she doesn't understand that you don't have unlimited funds, then she's not a very good friend. Her family's two cents in the matter is completely uncalled for. Are they helping you foot the bill? If so, then just do what you can and leave the rest up to them. If they're not, then nicely talk to them about how you'd love to throw your friend this type of shower/pre-wedding festivity but you financially cannot afford it. Just tell them you have other ideas to make this special for her.

I can't believe her family feels they have a right to say anything about the matter unless they have offered to help you! Just remember, this is your friends wedding, and while of course you want to make this a special time for her, it is NOT worth going into debt for. Like I said before, if she's a true friend, she'll understand that you'll do what you can. I'd have a SERIOUS talk with her about the whole thing. She needs to understand where you're coming from. I couldn't imagine making my MOH feel that way. My MOH is doing everything she can to make this time special for me, and she knows I would never expect her to go above and beyond or into debt for me!

michelleada · March 2010

Thanks everyone! I'm going to take your advice and have a heart-to-heart with her about this. You are all right in that I cannot go into debt for this and that it would end up making me resent her in the end if I do all of this against my will. I'm unsure how it will turn out-- I may end up stepping down if she does not understand. Ugh. I do not like that she has been taken hostage by the wedding industry-- and, as a result-- as banana468 said-- not acting like a nice person.

CTGirl30 · March 2010

I really hope your friend can set her unrealistic expectations and sense of entitlement aside when you have your conversation - you sound like a really good friend and I hope she hears your concerns and takes it to heart.

I really like lalap's suggestion: That is when you say "If they're not happy with what I've planned, I'm more than happy to step aside and they can host your shower instead."

I hope it works out for the best for you & your friend - sometimes Wedding Brain just takes over and in the best case scenarios, a good heart to heart can get someone to see the light...if not, don't feel badly about standing up for yourself here. You are absolutely correct that her wedding party demands do not trump your personal financial responsibilities.

GL!

baystateapple · March 2010

She can "demand" all she wants. You don't "deserve" pre-wedding celebrations. If people feel like throwing them for you, you can accept graciously. But you don't get to demand them.

momofayden · March 2010

Say NO.

golden1215 · March 2010

I'm running into this with my friend who is getting married 2 weeks before mine. All of the festivities (I'm just a BM, not MOH) are 6.5 hours away (one way) and her sister/MOH has told me I need to go to everything. I flat out said I'm sorry but no, I cannot afford it right now- currently laid off- nor do I think it's needed.

Like PPs said- tell her family they can throw it if they dont like your plan. Its tacky of them to throw her a shower buts it even tackier of them to tell you how to run it!

SarahPLiz · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bride-demanding-800-prewedding-celebrations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:8f5d9fcc-5da1-4890-82b1-6d44e338739cPost:87d24c5c-8ed4-42d2-86af-b1d458179d1c">Re: Bride Demanding $800+ in PreWedding Celebrations!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>If her family wants the parties to be a certain way, they may absolutely pay for and plan them.</strong> Otherwise, they have no say unless there's a major issue like a non-estranged mother of the bride not being invited to the shower. If your friend can't accept not having a shower or having a simple at home event, she needs to re-evaluate.
Posted by gottahavashorti[/QUOTE]

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lalap69 · March 2010

Good luck with your talk! And yes, please let us know how it goes.

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