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Gujarati FMIL Help

amberlynnedamberlynned member
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in South Asian Weddings
Hello Ladies,

I apologize for the long post but please bear with me... I have 2 issues I need advice on.

1. My FMIL is Gujarati and I'm not too sure if this is cultural or if she just doesn't really like me. FI & I took both American themed engagement pics & Indian themed engagement pics. When I showed them to her she went through and said either "I like this one" or "This one is NOT good" (emphasis on the not). Maybe she was just being honest?

2. Now we are looking for wedding saris and she is a much simpler woman than I am. She told me to get a sari that I can wear again, but in American culture we NEVER wear our wedding dress again... so I'd assume that the sari should be equally nice. Right? For example, I found this sari I like:
she suggested this one:
Now don't get me wrong, I like hers but it just doesn't seem very "wedding" to me. 

A little background: her sister's daughter got marred a few months ago and had a henna artist for her mhendi party but my FMIL suggested that we "do each other's henna" to save money.... I KNOW that is tacky... so is this sari thing another tacky FMIL moment?

Any advice on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated. 

TIA
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Re: Gujarati FMIL Help

  • amberlynnedamberlynned member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If you would like to see the E-Pics you can go to our weding website:

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  • versace1008versace1008
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    that bites, actually I would just buy my own wedding and reception outfit and not care what she says or thinks...
    I am guju and I my outfits really can't be worn again probably=they were lengha's, usually sari's you might be able to wear again regardless of how heavy they are.....

    Oh yeah and guju women are brutally honest...

    hire the henna artist, if you want to save money then dont have a henna party just get your henna done at the henna artists place...
    You dont want someone random person to do your henna for your wedding....
    you need to see the designs and choose a design unless you see something and they can do it...

    good luck and hang in there! Don't give in!
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  • versace1008versace1008
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    yeah I can see why the fmil didn't like the american pic's-guju's are very conservative... I like your sari you picked out, thats more like a wedding sari....
    the one she likes is not fancy enough for a wedding...
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  • Rushmi_JasonRushmi_Jason member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I totally agree that the sari your fmil picked is not really wedding material per se. Hold on to your guns - nicely let her know that you prefer to choose somehting fro your own wedding - hey maybe you can narrow it down to 3 top choices and then show her, but I don't think she should be there for the whole process. I know I sound mike a hypocrite since my paretnts picked out an ivory lehenga, and I so wish that i could have picked out MY own wedding lehenga, and now I feel too guilty to tell them i want a different dress. By the way, I think both sets of your engagement pics are really cute! But don't expect your fmil to get them, because in desi cultures, we don't ever take engagement pics - itys definitely an American thing.
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  • dhalgaradhalgara
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm a guju bride and I def think the wedding dress is super important!  People go all out to buy a "heavy" or full or work dress!  If it is a true wedding dress you probably won't be able to wear it again, because you'll upstage everyone else at any event :)

    As far as the henna artist, you should def. hire one.  They cost about $160 for the bride to get fully done up.  If the rest of the guests want is done it usually costs $5/hand.  But, speaking from experience I did my own henna once and it was good but took me FOREVER because I am not a professional!  You do not want to be dealing with that during your wedding!

    Hope that helps!

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  • rajkumarirajkumari
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    its your wedding and i love the SBR73 sari that you picked. you will probably not wear that again and this day only happens once so i say splurge on getting what you want. go with your instinct and desires.
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  • fourwillowsfourwillows member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Oh man, Guju moms are totally just like that. The first time I knew my FMIL liked me was when she was comfortable enough to tell me I need to lose weight before the wedding! It meant she was picking on me like I was her own kid.

    Honestly, my wedding sari is closer to the one your FMIL picked out than the one you picked out, but part of that is my FMIL went to India and picked it out as a surprise for me. What I'm doing is wearing a totally wonderful dress I LOVE for the reception, and making sure we get a ton of pictures in it, too.

    PS? You're the bride! Are you seriously supposed to do someone else's henna? That's silly. If money's the issue, maybe go around your FMIL (scary I know, trust me) and have your MOH approach her about incorporating henna party (with a PROFESSIONAL) into the pre-wedding bachelorette festivities.
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  • amberlynnedamberlynned member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you so much ladies!!! I feel less stressed knowing what other Gujarati women think. I'm definitely going with the sari I picked. (after all, I am buying it lol)

    As far as the henna party, I read online that the bride's supposed to host it at her house so my mother and I are planning to do it with a prof. artist at my house. 

    I didn't realize that e-pics were American... I hope I didn't offend any family members of his! :-0
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  • sashahsashah
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm gujarati and so is my fiance.  Buy the sari you want and don't feel bad about only wearing it once.  I don't know anyone who has worn their wedding sari again.  Guju mom's can be very honest - try not to feel bad.  Get a professional for the henna - the bride's should be elaborate and done by someone with experience.  As for engagement pics - my fiance and I are doing them as well.  There's nothing wrong in doing them - don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. 
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  • deux.etoilesdeux.etoiles
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I actually disagree with everyone else about your Sari - my sister's wedding sari was somewhere in between the two in your post in terms of fanciness, and she's worn it several times - in fact, she actually wore her wedding sari to both my and my brother's weddings but in neither instance did she even come close to upstaging the bride (red saris are common - and it's so obvious who the bride is with the mehndi and all the jewelry).  Why buy something that you're never going to be able to wear again when you have the option to wear it again?  (that said, my sari was white and red, and I'm never going to be able to wear it again because it looks too much like a panetar, but my fiance wanted me to wear white).
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  • SonaliPopSonaliPop member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    We have to use our outfits again during our lifetime, so the reason she is telling you  to go for something simple may because she doesn't want you to have to deal with the heaviness of a more complex outfit.

    As for her opinions, maybe that's just her. I have a gujarati mom and she's subtle. Not al Mom's are the same.

    I think you both just need to reach a common ground. It may be difficult for both of you to adjust to eachother...especially for a Gujarati mom and a western bahu (daughter in law). Good luck to both of you but find a middle ground, as hard as it is. Our relationships with our mother in laws are different than those of other cultures...it's...a lot to take in.

    Back in the day, before we had professional mehndhi artists, women DID do eachother's - but today, we hire someone who is a professional!

    Congrats on your wedding and enjoy it.
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