Does it bother anyone else...

Salsera29 · February 2013

...when people make a big deal out of saying, "When I get married, it's going to be forever," or " I don't believe in divorce." I feel like unless this is coming from someone who's been married for 50 years and maybe gone through some serious hard times, it's just obnoxious to say. Pretty sure everyone intends to be together forever when they gets married. That's the point. But things happen that can't be predicted.

Snarky thought for today.

GypsySoul01 · February 2013

Yes. Having been divorced once, it bothers me a lot. There are a LOT of things out of your control and you can't always forsee what will happen. Furthermore, just because one half of a couple doesn't "believe in divorce" doesn't mean the other half feels the same way. I say don't judge until you've been there your self.

tlc35 · February 2013

Yeah. I think it is irritating and it comes across as being better than people who have been divorced.

princess pop · February 2013

Irks me so much.

embreen · February 2013

i completely agree, my fiance was divorced once before and when my 18 year old immature friend wanted to go get married he sat her down and was like, look i thought i was going to be married forever too but things dont always work out especially when you dont know that person for too long (he married his first wife after knowing her for 6 months). Her response was to say yeah but we dont believe in divorce and he was just like i didnt either. No one can say they wont get divorced unless they have been married for over like 50/60 years or die married.

Wife Kitty · February 2013

Agree. I'm relatively sure that nobody looks at a handsome or pretty stranger across the room and thinks, "Wow! That's the ex of my dreams!"

My ex-boyfriend and I were together for five and a half years, and while we didn't end up making it to the altar, we were certainly making plans for it and didn't see ourselves breaking up. It was painful but necessary.

I have to admit I'm guilty of having said that I won't get divorced. It's my attempt to reassure myself that I won't repeat the sadness of my parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, etc. (Divorce unfortunately runs in my family.) I hope it hasn't ever been interpreted as me looking down my nose at couples who didn't make it.

suzie211 · February 2013

Agree. I was married before and did not go into thinking wow this will make for a great starter marriage. Divorce is ugly.

But, I do truly believe than many times the people saying it do so to make the words real to them. As if saying it means that it really won't happen to them. Same thing happens when friends disappear during a divorce. It's like they feel its contagious. People will do anything they can to not be effected by it.

lls31 · February 2013

Whether someone mentions it because they think it will happen or because they think it won't happen - there is no reason to mention it at all. Period. I think everyone who gets married intends on it being permanent. I can't imagine that anyone actually plans to get divorced.

That being said, I can honestly say that I've personally said that I don't believe in divorce. However, that doesn't mean I'm completely against it. I grew up in a family where divorce was basically unheard of. My parents have been married for 40+ years. They've had their arguments, but they've always made it work. I believe in trying to work things out. But I also believe that some situations are beyond working out. If you're in one of those, by all means, get a divorce.

beautifulmama28 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_does-it-bother-anyone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:037c9f84-21ca-4743-a2b5-932dc00ae3a7Post:68a21dbf-d500-448f-8c3e-af95884dbadc">Re: Does it bother anyone else...</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes. Having been divorced once, it bothers me a lot. There are a LOT of things out of your control and you can't always forsee what will happen. Furthermore, just because one half of a couple doesn't "believe in divorce" doesn't mean the other half feels the same way. I say don't judge until you've been there your self.
Posted by GypsySoul01[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>yes this exactly.</div><div>
</div><div>I once said and I quote *divorce is not in my vocabulary*</div><div>
</div><div>obviously...that was a false statement because life changes, things change...people change. I don't know where I'm going to live in 10 years, let alone if I'll still be married (hopefully will be of course!! lol)</div><div>
</div><div>Life is a journey of endless learning lessons.</div><div>Divorce...sometimes....is necessary and good, unfortunate but true.</div>

jesslamb830 · February 2013

Although they word it incorrectly (trust me i'm totally at fault for that too) I think when they say "i don't believe in divorce" they are saying that theya re going to go against our generation and back to the old generations where when something isn't working or broken you fix it not give up ... if you get waht i'm saying

nwwoodsybride · February 2013

[QUOTE]Although they word it incorrectly (trust me i'm totally at fault for that too) I think when they say "i don't believe in divorce" they are saying that theya re going to go against our generation and back to the old generations where when something isn't working or broken you fix it not give up ... if you get waht i'm saying
Posted by jesslamb830[/QUOTE]

That's what I hear too. That no one intends to divorce but people have many reasons why they do. They grow apart, there's an affair, people change, you're tired of being unhappy for years and years, etc. So when I hear that phrase I hear that they acknowledge any of these things might happen, but they are going to choose to be married rather than divorce.

No one can guess what their spouse will chose. Personal choice means you won't be the one to pull the trigger because you said: "In sickness, for poorer, in bad times, until death."

jenajjthr · February 2013

When I got married the first time I knew no matter what I wasn't going to get divorced. I "knew" that all problems could be worked through. The problem was I had a H who didn't care about any of that even though he said the same words. We both came from divorced families and didn't want to do that to our kids when we had them. Then came the lies and the cheating. I always found a way to forgive for the sake of the kids and tried really hard to believe that he was truely remorseful and would not cheat again.

Eventually I had to stop living in denial and realize that he was a narcissit and that the cheating would always occur, that he didn't give a crap about me or the kids. So I left him and a few months later started divorce proceedings. It was the hardest decision I have ever made and will be honest it is not one I want to make again. I still don't like the idea of divorce, but have grown to learn that sometimes it is necessary.

RaeCharlieB · February 2013

I also hear a statement of intention to work on a marriage rather than someone trying to make out they're better than people who get divorced...

I've said something similar many times in front of my partner who is divorced and didn't think for a moment it may make him feel bad, or like he failed. To me, he didn't fail, his divorce is something that needed to happen in order for him and his ex to live happier lives. I admire his strength in going through divorce proceedings and for the way he came through it and how he has remained honourable.

Going to have a convo about it this evening tho - Thank you for making me realise how me saying something like this could affect him.

Amyzen83 · February 2013

I can understand, I think it's wrong to judge period! I would hope anyone who plans on getting married, goes into it thinking it'll be forever, else what's the point? I think there are many reasons that people get divorced, and it sounds like a very painful experience when that happens, even more tragic if children are involved, but $h-- happens and I have compassion for those people. 1 person in the relationship may completely change into someone else over time and not in a good way, sometimes as a result of a tragedy. Or trust is broken when someone has an affair - for me that would be grounds for d. Sometimes people just marry the wrong person but don't realize it until it's too late.

feliciakaye13 · February 2013

If my fiancé hadn't gotten divorced from his ex I wouldn't get to marry the man! Obviously no one hopes for divorce. I just hope and pray that we have the support of our family and friends when we do go through hard times who will help us get to the other side with rings still on our fingers.

JillianNJohn · February 2013

My ex and I are very civil and are still friends, I jut couldn't be married to him anymore bc he refused to get help and changed for the worse. (He has. Psychiatric disorder and was abusive). He pushed me away and I eventually gave up caring. I left and I was happier that I was without him. We text nearly very day. We see each th every weekend at the kid sporting events. We both attend most doctors appointments for our kids, and we only live 10 miles away from each other. Ppl I work with will always say they couldn't get divorced ever, they'd stay married for the kids no matter what, then they ask me why I left and I say what he did. I'm no longer ashamed of it, I've used it to make myself stronger. FI and I have accepted that nothing is forever. We both are divorced. We can say its forever bc its what we want but we know it won't be forever if we don't continue to put the effort into it.... When we talk about all the negative ideals of second marriages we both fully agree its only going to last however long we want it to. If we never give up, we will never fail!

embreen · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_does-it-bother-anyone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:037c9f84-21ca-4743-a2b5-932dc00ae3a7Post:effa5280-b59e-44fb-b576-fea6f9ae631b">Re: Does it bother anyone else...</a>:
[QUOTE]If my fiancé hadn't gotten divorced from his ex I wouldn't get to marry the man! Obviously no one hopes for divorce. I just hope and pray that we have the support of our family and friends when we do go through hard times who will help us get to the other side with rings still on our fingers.
Posted by feliciakaye13[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>couldnt have said it any better myself</div>

chelseamb11 · February 2013

It bugs me much less than people who say there's no way to 100% say "I know I'll never get divorced". Who are you to judge? Every relationship is different. Nobody is being snotty when they say they'll never get divorced, it just depends on what they believe and how conflict is resolved in a couple. I don't judge divorce, but I hate being judged when I say "I will never get divorced" because nobody can know the relationship between H and myself well enough to say if there's ever a chance, other than us.

chelseamb11 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_does-it-bother-anyone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:037c9f84-21ca-4743-a2b5-932dc00ae3a7Post:7d2bbdfa-474f-4286-bbdc-b2b827295eb8">Re: Does it bother anyone else...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Does it bother anyone else... : Why would you ever say that though? There is zero reason to have a random conversation with others about your likelihood of getting divorced.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I mean, it's not like it comes up in daily conversation. But there have been occasions that the subject of divorce comes up..either on here or with friends or whatever. I just think it's really strange to be upset when someone claims they know they'll never get divorced. I have more of a right than anyone else to determine if it will ever be an option for me.

Amyzen83 · February 2013

I can't speak for anyone else's situation because we are all different and have different experiences, expectations, values and criteria. With that said, I feel like anybody getting married should go in with the idea that divorce is not an option, I understand sh-- happens or people jump in too early, the point is we all make choices and sometimes divorce just happens after all other options have been excercised.

For me personally, I feel like I have waited a long time for Mr. Right to come into my life, because I refused to settle for good enough but___. I ended relationships with my exes because I knew that there were strong things about them that I just could not tolerate or live with in a relationship. As soon as I knew they were not the one, I saved us both wasted time and broke them off. Yes hearts were broken, and my heart was broken when men have ended things with me, but afterwards I saw it was for the best.

My fiance is my best friend, and the first person I truely "fell in love" with because love was not a word I used lightly, yes there were guys I thought I loved, or told me they "loved me"-- that ex used those words to hurt me. And looking at those I don't consider those true love. I know that I have gotten married to any of those men, I would have ended up divorced.

I feel with Zen, we are both on the same page with a lot of things, we've had time to argue and resolve our differences, we're going to go to pre-marital counseling before the wedding. For me, we're going in the marriage with the idea that divorce will not be an option, unless one of us were unfaithful or the other person is abusive. Those have always been my only 2 exceptions for if I were to get divorced, and I made sure that my fiance shared those same views, because I know in marriages, sometimes grounds of divorce aren't always equal.

Does it bother anyone else...

Re: Does it bother anyone else...

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