A wedding with just the Bride and Groom

Stilettoteez · April 2010

Ok, so here is my problem. This will be my 3rd marriage.. I have a 14 year old from my first marriage no other kids. My first wedding was hijacked by my mother, it became her dress, her friends, her music, her venue. My second marriage was hijacked by my sis in law.. who under the pretense of helping had her decorations, her, choice in food, her venue. Now these where my fault.. I let them hijack it..

but now #3.. I want it to be my way.. and MY wedding.. so I want a destination wedding in Puerto rico.. with just the groom and myself.. no kids, no family, no one.. but us.. I want a wedding dress of my choice and a photographer and a honeymoon...

so here is the problem.. everyone seems to think that I should take my 14 year old.. if I did it would just be her..then I would have to entertain her for the duration of our time in PR.. which if it was another occasion would be fine.. but in the past I never had a honeymoon.. if I take her then my parents would want to come and so forth and so on.. and again my wedding day would be hijacked..

so is it wrong of me.. to want an intimate moment with my fiance.. we've agreed to hold a cookout to celebrate upon our return.. but nothing more then that..

ugh.. torn by family guilt..

laurenclaire1386 · April 2010

If a private ceremony with just you and your fiance is what you want, then do it. But then I don't have kids, so I don't know how it would feel to exclude my child from my wedding. But if you're ok with that, then don't let anyone tell you it's not ok. Is your kid ok with it? That's something you should consider because if this hurts his/her feelings, she's most likely going to take it out on the future step dad. If your kid is ok with it, and you're ok with it, then do it, I say.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · April 2010

Nope, not wrong at all. I wouldn't want my kids with my on my honeymoon, either.

andy71781 · April 2010

I'm sorry to expand on the guilt but I feel like you should include your kid. I am speaking from personal, jilted child experience here so take it with that grain of salt. My dad tried to pull the same deal in Florida earlier this year. I personally think that getting married is too important of an event in your life not to include your children and family. You don't have to make a big deal out of it but I think you need to think about your kid's feelings. She might feel like you don't want her there and feel jealous/abandoned.

AlexiaANDRobert · April 2010

I think it'd be sucky not to include your daughter.

What about a wedding at home with just immediate family and then a honeymoon in PR? Your daughter can be included in the wedding but then you have the HM on your own. You can JOP it with your daughter as the witness and go for a fancy meal afterwards. I just can't imagine not including my child in a wedding.

EmmaBride2B · April 2010

I'm kind of betting a 14 year old doesn't want to be there for their mom's honeymoon either. I'd talk to your daughter about it and if she's ok with it, then no one else has any right to tell you otherwise.

Celles · April 2010

How does your daughter feel about it? At 14, she's old enough to understand and have an opinion. If she feels hurt or left out, I would rethink it. If she understands and is supportive of you and your choice, then I wouldn't worrry about what your extended family thinks about it. Make the decision that's right for your immediate family, but realize that your daughter needs to be a part of that decision too.

september's bride · April 2010

My dad remarried when I was 18, and neither myself nor my two stepsiblings were included in the wedding. It still bothers me, almost ten years later, that I wasn't included. Don't discount your child's feelings when making life-altering decisions for yourself.

Brie2010 · April 2010

I think I'd be bitter if my mom ran off and got married and I wasn't invited.

Ditto PPs. Have a private JOP ceremony at home with just the three of you, then leave her with family while you go on your HM alone.

ohwhynot · April 2010

LC, I love your new sig pic!

OP: Since you asked for opinions, I'll give you mine straight up: I don't think it's right to exclude your daughter. I think it is a selfish thing to do. It's not your daughter's fault that you didn't have the wedding of your dreams before.

jasmineh7777 · April 2010

How does your daughter feel about this? Personally, I would have been really hurt if at 14, my mom didn't include me in her wedding. I think Alexia had a great suggestion. Why not just do something small at home, so your daughter can attend, and then take your honeymoon?

Mrs.B6302007 · April 2010

I'm on board with the local private ceremony so you can include your daughter and then a HM in PR.

laurenclaire1386 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-just-bride-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:58a956f5-6a46-4d95-a156-8466c510b78cPost:8f3f6959-e990-4aba-8829-da22507be083">Re: A wedding with just the Bride and Groom</a>:
[QUOTE]LC, I love your new sig pic!
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]
Thanks buddy! We got all gussied up for a wedding.

jayjoe · April 2010

I would say what everyone else is: ask your daughter. My best friends mom had a DW wedding that did not include her (she was 15). She totally understood and was more than fine. She was just so happy her mom was finally happy.

jonchrissy · April 2010

As another semi-jilted child. If my mom asked me if I wanted to go and made any indication she didn't want me there, I probably would have told her it was fine and then would have been pissed at her for years. I would figure out some way to have your daughter there, even if you only have her in PR for 2 nights and then have her fly home and stay with the grandparents. I'm sure she doesn't want to be there for the honeymoon part, but I believe when you have kids, it's a family getting married not just a husband and wife.

Stilettoteez · April 2010

we've thought about having a ceremony here then leaving.. problem with that is that then I'd have to keep it underwraps till it's done.. and one of my dreams has been to just go off and marry quietly on a lovely beach..

my daughter would most likely not even care if she's involved in the ceremony or not.. she just wants the Trip to PR..

my mom is pushing the guilt card so i'm forced to have it here giving an excuse for a party neither of us want.

Loopyseven · April 2010

Could your daughter come down with you, spend a couple of days, witness your ceremony, then fly back home and have her grandparents or someone pick her up and stay with them for hte rest of your honeymoon? I know at 9 I flew to my grandparents house and stayed for a week then flew home. At 14 she should be perfectly capable of handling that. Not sure if PR make it international or not though, or if there are tighter restrictions on kids flying alone to/from there. The best of both worlds?

janedoe1113a · April 2010

I agree that you should talk to your daughter about it. My mom and step-father did this when I was younger and I know it hurt me at the time, but now it doesn't bother me at all.

I think it would be a good idea to JOP it at home with just you, your FI, and your daughter. Then celebrate together at home, then go on your honeymoon.

Stilettoteez · April 2010

oh might I add.. my Fiance has 3 kids also.. none of which are attending..

Calypso1977 · April 2010

the only opinions that matter in this are yours, your FI's and in my opinion, for this particular situation, your child's.

talk to your daughter. if she's ok with it, then proceed as planned - the rest of your family has no say in how you do yoru wedding. if she isnt ok, then i think you shoudl include her.

janedoe1113a · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-just-bride-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:58a956f5-6a46-4d95-a156-8466c510b78cPost:ddf0a8fc-cce6-4e8a-bdd4-075ddc1a0a26">Re: A wedding with just the Bride and Groom</a>:
[QUOTE]oh might I add.. my Fiance has 3 kids also.. none of which are attending..
Posted by Stilettoteez[/QUOTE]

That just makes the situation worse if you're excluding a crapload of kids. I agree with the idea of JOPing at home even more now so all the chldren can be there.

danieliza1127 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-just-bride-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:58a956f5-6a46-4d95-a156-8466c510b78cPost:6f9d4cb7-5480-4e99-94d6-990a051f58d9">Re: A wedding with just the Bride and Groom</a>:
[QUOTE]we've thought about having a ceremony here then leaving.. problem with that is that then I'd have to keep it underwraps till it's done.. and one of my dreams has been to just go off and marry quietly on a lovely beach.. my daughter would most likely not even care if she's involved in the ceremony or not.. she just wants the Trip to PR.. my mom is pushing the guilt card so i'm forced to have it here giving an excuse for a party neither of us want.
Posted by Stilettoteez[/QUOTE]

You are adults, and this is your third marriage. No one should be able to guilt you into a party that you don't want. You are adults. Make your own decisions. If you choose to get married by a JOP with just your daughter there, and then leave to go to PR, do it. If you let your Mom guilt you into anything else, then you have bigger problems then how to get married.

AlexiaANDRobert · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-just-bride-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:58a956f5-6a46-4d95-a156-8466c510b78cPost:6f9d4cb7-5480-4e99-94d6-990a051f58d9">Re: A wedding with just the Bride and Groom</a>:
[QUOTE]we've thought about having a ceremony here then leaving.. problem with that is that then I'd have to keep it underwraps till it's done.. and one of my dreams has been to just go off and marry quietly on a lovely beach.. my daughter would most likely not even care if she's involved in the ceremony or not.. <strong>she just wants the Trip to PR</strong>.. my mom is pushing the guilt card so i'm forced to have it here giving an excuse for a party neither of us want.
Posted by Stilettoteez[/QUOTE]

Could you include her for a few days then fly her back home? I think that's the best of both worlds.

Stilettoteez · April 2010

they are in Florida we are in CT and honestly the only one that would want to attend if she could would be his youngest who will be 18 at the time.. but she's not all gunhoe about being there..

lharri12 · April 2010

Ugh, that's a tough one. I can totally understand you wanting to do it alone with your hubby. Who wants their kid with them on a honeymoon?! At the same time, your daughter might feel very left out. I would ask her how she would feel about it. If she seems saddened by the idea of you getting married without her, I'd have a hard time telling my daughter she can't be at my wedding. Maybe she would be okay with the idea of going down with you for 2-3 nights (with or without another adult to supervise her), then flying back so that you and your hubby could be alone for several days. You might not be able to have it EXACTLY how you wanted, but I'll bet there is a compromise everyone would be happy with.

[Deleted User] · April 2010

..

Stilettoteez · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-just-bride-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:58a956f5-6a46-4d95-a156-8466c510b78cPost:25b16485-ed0a-4c92-8a41-366ebf1acb55">Re: A wedding with just the Bride and Groom</a>:
[QUOTE] If you let your Mom guilt you into anything else, then you have bigger problems then how to get married.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

You have no idea.. that woman plays the guilt card every chance she gets.. sigh..

Festiva · April 2010

I'm a mom and I really don't get why anyone would want to take their children on their honeymoon. NO WAY! We are also eloping (and having an AHR once home) and I feel no obligation to turn our getaway into a family vacay.
To include your precious daughter, maybe you could do a touching and meaningful moment at the AHR...if you're having one. You could give a speech or a few meaningful words to her, bestow a gift (a necklace maybe) and do a candle lighting or something meaningful for the three of you. It would be a type of commitment ceremony to include her and would be beautiful!!!

janedoe1113a · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-just-bride-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:58a956f5-6a46-4d95-a156-8466c510b78cPost:bcf6f3d5-53c4-42eb-926b-b767682ac949">Re: A wedding with just the Bride and Groom</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: A wedding with just the Bride and Groom : You have no idea.. that woman plays the guilt card every chance she gets.. sigh..
Posted by Stilettoteez[/QUOTE]

Yes, but you should be old enough to stand up to her.

Stilettoteez · April 2010

my kid isn't an accessory.. his kids just have no interest in attending..

ohwhynot · April 2010

Warning: about to go way off-topic and into things that are not germane to the discussion:

OP, may I ask how old you are and how long your marriages lasted? I'm going to be married for the third time too, but I married for the first time at age 20 and I'm 43 now. The only reason I am bringing this up is because you seem to have difficulty standing up to people, you seem very unsure of yourself, and frankly your statement that "waaaah - now I'll have to entertain my daughter on my honeymoon" seems pretty immature to me. There are other options that you dont' seem to have even considered.

A wedding with just the Bride and Groom

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