VENT: I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now

sarah42nd · July 2010

I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now. So as some of you may already no my FI hasn't done any wedding planning has told me to do whatever I wanted.

Well I talked with my parents a few weeks ago and they said they wanted to pay half of the venue cost . So I talked to FI and told him that they were going to pay half the venue cost . Well about a week ago my mom stated something about maybe being able to pay the deposit which was $250 , if my dad's check came in time . Well I told her that they didn't have too . So I talked with FI and told him I would need Deposit($250) plus $100 for the fabric for my dress because he was getting in some extra money . So when we got money he only gave me $240 and not the other cash . So I was like WTF? . I am getting my fabric from Joanns and they run a 50 Percent off coupon every few weeks and that coupon was running. So mom and I went to the venue on Monday but the lady called and said wasn't at the venue . Well we stopped at publix to get stepson some caprisun so there on sale because FI told me to go buy about $20 worth so I did.

Well wednesday rolls around and my mom, dad and I went to the venue. Well my parents ended up paying for the deposit too . I was really surprised . So I treated them to lunch because they just dropped %250 and then they told me there going to pay the whole amount on the venue ( thats $700) . I also gave them some gas because they have been running me around the last few days. I also bought 3 picture frames for like $5 each .

So I messaged Fi and he never wrote me back so I thought he was busy working.
Well when he gets home . I showed him the reciept from the venue . Then told him that mom and dad said there playing for it and the rest of the venue . Then I told him I took them out to lunch for like $40 . He flipped a lid. He started bitching about how he can't trust me anymore . HUH?

I was like what ? Mom and dad spent $250 and your going to bitch about $40 ??? Then he took the rest of the money I had in my wallet . UGh . I am confused .

Not only that he was all like oh I was so happy today and was going to tell my parents , blah blah blah . But then he never does anything for the wedding planning . I think he said it just to piss me off .

Ugh ... Sorry had to vent.

nda_roxybabe · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-would-really-like-smack-fi-over-head-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6b5788fc-7418-43b7-a3c3-edca2eb82ccdPost:49f5d1c8-45a4-4c5d-8cf8-59c4ae100382">VENT: I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now</a>:
[QUOTE] I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now. So as some of you may already no my FI hasn't done any wedding planning has told me to do whatever I wanted. Well I talked with my parents a few weeks ago and they said they wanted to pay half of the venue cost . So I talked to FI and told him that they were going to pay half the venue cost . Well about a week ago my mom stated something about maybe being able to pay the deposit which was $250 , if my dad's check came in time . Well I told her that they didn't have too . So I talked with FI and told him I would need Deposit($250) plus $100 for the fabric for my dress because he was getting in some extra money . So when we got money he only gave me $240 and not the other cash . So I was like WTF? . I am getting my fabric from Joanns and they run a 50 Percent off coupon every few weeks and that coupon was running. So mom and I went to the venue on Monday but the lady called and said wasn't at the venue . Well we stopped at publix to get stepson some caprisun so there on sale because FI told me to go buy about $20 worth so I did. Well wednesday rolls around and my mom, dad and I went to the venue. Well my parents ended up paying for the deposit too . I was really surprised . So I treated them to lunch because they just dropped %250 and then they told me there going to pay the whole amount on the venue ( thats $700) . I also gave them some gas because they have been running me around the last few days. I also bought 3 picture frames for like $5 each . So I messaged Fi and he never wrote me back so I thought he was busy working. Well when he gets home . I showed him the reciept from the venue . Then told him that mom and dad said there playing for it and the rest of the venue . Then I told him I took them out to lunch for like $40 . He flipped a lid. He started bitching about how he can't trust me anymore . HUH? I was like what ? Mom and dad spent $250 and your going to bitch about $40 ??? Then he took the rest of the money I had in my wallet . UGh . I am confused . Not only that he was all like oh I was so happy today and was going to tell my parents , blah blah blah . But then he never does anything for the wedding planning . I think he said it just to piss me off . Ugh ... Sorry had to vent.
Posted by sarah42nd[/QUOTE]
This all sounds like a lot of weird miscommunication. So, you do not have to pay any of the deposit now and used the money for other things, right?

Nebb · July 2010

1) how old are you guys?
b) how does your venue only cost 700$?
&) huh? please learn how to properly structure sentences and paragraphs.

AdeleDazeem · July 2010

Me thinks you have bigger problems than paying the venue deposit.

SarahPLiz · July 2010

You might wnat to do more than vent. If your FI is holding the purse strings and you get no say in anything, then he is treating you like a child, and what I really think you need to do is not marry him.

ETA: or you need to get your own money and handle your own business so you aren't dependant on anyone else's finances.

aprovencher21 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-would-really-like-smack-fi-over-head-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:6b5788fc-7418-43b7-a3c3-edca2eb82ccdPost:908282ee-ef20-4adf-a6cd-ba938ef12e12">Re: VENT: I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now</a>:
[QUOTE]1) how old are you guys? b) how does your venue only cost 700$? &) huh? please learn how to properly structure sentences and paragraphs.
Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

What Nebb said.

You guys need to set down and definitively define your budget, what you are spending on each item and who is responsible for paying for each item. By going back and forth over who is paying what when it gets confusing and people get annoyed.

polichik · July 2010

Um.. That's f'd up. He took the money from your wallet? Seriously? Sounds like serious immaturity and control issues.

sarah42nd · July 2010

Thats what I am saying . Sorrry I had to fix some of the sentences. I am dyslexic.

Yeah we don't have to pay deposit or the venue now.

He is 31 . I am almost 23 .

The venue is only $95 an hour . We are only renting it for 6 hours. There also tax and a set up fee. We about an hour from orlando , so it is not as busy or expensive over here.

thesuninherhead · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-would-really-like-smack-fi-over-head-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:6b5788fc-7418-43b7-a3c3-edca2eb82ccdPost:49f5d1c8-45a4-4c5d-8cf8-59c4ae100382">VENT: I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now</a>:
[QUOTE] <strong>UGh . I am confused </strong>
<p>Posted by sarah42nd[/QUOTE]</p><p>You're not the only one!</p><p> </p>

Nebb · July 2010

The dude sounds controlling, do you not have your own money? Does he control your finances or something?

tidetravel · July 2010

I would suggest pre-marital counseling or life-coaching, if only to improve communication between the two of you, and to figure out how to manage your money, together. It's difficult, and money is one of the biggest stressors in a relationship. Fix it now, before you get married.

(I'm not going to comment about the controlling part, because I am your FI in our situation. DH cannot control his spending, at all, so I pretty much pay the bills and dictate how money is spent.)

sarah42nd · July 2010

Well I think my parents wanted to surprise us by paying for the venue.

Yeah he took the rest of the cash .

Well we are going to premartial counseling (12 weeks ) next month .

thesuninherhead · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-would-really-like-smack-fi-over-head-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:6b5788fc-7418-43b7-a3c3-edca2eb82ccdPost:6e11db89-1590-4611-b41c-ef299db70856">Re: VENT: I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now</a>:
[QUOTE]The dude sounds controlling, do you not have your own money? Does he control your finances or something?
<p>Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]</p><p> </p><p>Those were my thoughts, too. Why is it that you have to ask him for money? and, more importantly, why is it that you want to marry someone who is emotionally manipulative and irrationally flies off the handle at you?</p>

SarahPLiz · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-would-really-like-smack-fi-over-head-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:6b5788fc-7418-43b7-a3c3-edca2eb82ccdPost:e1d6ec6d-6bf4-4342-af8a-b34f66d7c3f4">Re: VENT: I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now</a>:
[QUOTE]Well I think my parents wanted to surprise us by paying for the venue. Yeah he took the rest of the cash . Well we are going to premartial counseling (12 weeks ) next month .
Posted by sarah42nd[/QUOTE]

When you go to counselling, don't be afraid to bring anything up that has been bothering you. Work it out there, because a lifetime is a long time to shut up and put up.

aprovencher21 · July 2010

I'm with Tide that I'm not sure if he's being controlling. My FI is incapable of watching his spending habits and cannot stay on budget. Its something I had to deal with when we first moved in together when I was 20 and since then I handle all finances in the household.

If that's a role that you've decided together for him to have, then okay. But make sure this is what you want and anticipate for a marriage.

[Deleted User] · July 2010

CAPRI SUNS WERE ON SALE?!?!

sarah42nd · July 2010

He works . I stay home and take care of his son . I do have a little extra income .

He makes the money but I tell him what bills need to be paid and when .

quotequeen · July 2010

Not only that he was all like oh I was so happy today and was going to tell my parents , blah blah blah .

Are you saying he hasn't told his parents about your engagement yet?

Nebb · July 2010

Just because he makes the money doesnt mean its HIS - youre a family, its the family's money.

I control our finances and I tell my husband everything i spend and expect him to do the same, its not a controlling thing its a respect thing. If its outlandish or we couldnt afford it, then maybe I get mad, but it makes no sense to get mad just for spending money in general.

Midgie373 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-would-really-like-smack-fi-over-head-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:6b5788fc-7418-43b7-a3c3-edca2eb82ccdPost:a620a989-34ed-4ef7-8560-ca9480d39878">Re: VENT: I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now</a>:
[QUOTE]CAPRI SUNS WERE ON SALE?!?!
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

I LOLed.

OP, I'm glad you two will be going to premarital counseling. That was going to be my suggestion.

SarahPLiz · July 2010

I think he doesn't respect your contrbution to the household because it doesn't have a paycheck attached to it. Take full advantage of that counseling, and don't shortchange your future self by signing up to be kept under his thumb for the rest of your life.

nda_roxybabe · July 2010

I make all the money but T still gets some, and I don't take money out of his wallet (unless I ask :P)

polichik · July 2010

Here's the thing... If she'd ran off to Bloomingdale's and bought some Manolos, I could see his frustration. But if they'd agreed on spending $250 on the venue and then only ended up spending $40 for lunch as a thank-you to her parents for covering the whole thing, she wasn't being unreasonable or spending unwisely.

But even if you were, I see a big red flag in him getting so upset and not being able to discuss his concerns with you rationally. I can see him being frustrated and sitting down with you to talk about a budget, but if my FI ever took all the money out of my wallet in anger, we'd be having a serious talk.

I control the finances in our home, just because I'm more organized and on top of things like bills, but being in charge of finances is different from seizing money from his wife's wallet. Not cool.

tidetravel · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-would-really-like-smack-fi-over-head-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6b5788fc-7418-43b7-a3c3-edca2eb82ccdPost:084328d5-7681-4957-af7b-33b175fc677e">Re: VENT: I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now</a>:
[QUOTE]Just because he makes the money doesnt mean its HIS - youre a family, its the family's money. I control our finances and I tell my husband everything i spend and expect him to do the same, its not a controlling thing its a respect thing.<strong> If its outlandish or we couldnt afford it, then maybe I get mad, but it makes no sense to get mad just for spending money in general.</strong>
Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]
That's the thing though, we don't really know the situation. If the money was budgeted toward the wedding, but wasn't spent, there may have been other things that it should have been spent on, rather than dinner and picture frames. In our current situation, I could see being pretty pissed off if DH spent $75 on "bullshit" stuff, without consulting me first.

missy68 · July 2010

OP, I'm seeing red flags all over this. I would suggest getting some premarital counseling beside what the church requires (which is what I'm assuming the 12 week deal is).

I am speaking from personal experience here. Have you lived on your own before, or are you going straight from your parents' house to his house with his son?

By any chance, if he's divorced, do you happen to know the reason behind the divorce?

I'm not being nosy - there's just a lot of bells going off here for me, and a lot of things I wish I'd seen the first time around.

sarah42nd · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-would-really-like-smack-fi-over-head-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6b5788fc-7418-43b7-a3c3-edca2eb82ccdPost:3e36b988-eb30-4bc2-989b-021f791d74b9">Re: VENT: I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now</a>:
[QUOTE]Not only that he was all like oh I was so happy today and was going to tell my parents , blah blah blah . Are you saying he hasn't told his parents about your engagement yet?
Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]

They know were getting married but they didn't know what venue we chose or date .

didalittlejig · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-would-really-like-smack-fi-over-head-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6b5788fc-7418-43b7-a3c3-edca2eb82ccdPost:384a381d-e80b-484a-82bf-d48569e848f4">Re: VENT: I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Me thinks</strong> you have bigger problems than paying the venue deposit.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

<div>You're the second person to do that today and probably the 1 billionth ever in the history of the world. It's "methinks".</div><div>
</div><div>This is where I should say something like "Obviously you're didalitlejig (dalj2) because she says 'me thinks' as well. OMG good luck proving me wrong! My logic is flawless!"</div><div>
</div><div>But I won't :)</div>

sarah42nd · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-would-really-like-smack-fi-over-head-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6b5788fc-7418-43b7-a3c3-edca2eb82ccdPost:6e9ca2b7-802e-445b-84b2-a9cb09a86866">Re: VENT: I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now</a>:
[QUOTE]Here's the thing... If she'd ran off to Bloomingdale's and bought some Manolos, I could see his frustration. But if they'd agreed on spending $250 on the venue and then only ended up spending $40 for lunch as a thank-you to her parents for covering the whole thing, she wasn't being unreasonable or spending unwisely. But even if you were, I see a big red flag in him getting so upset and not being able to discuss his concerns with you rationally. I can see him being frustrated and sitting down with you to talk about a budget, but if my FI ever took all the money out of my wallet in anger, we'd be having a serious talk. I control the finances in our home, just because I'm more organized and on top of things like bills, but being in charge of finances is different from seizing money from his wife's wallet. Not cool.
Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]

I agree. Now that my parents are paying the budget we have an extra grand that we can use towards the wedding or whatever we want to . I mean he goes ut to lunch almost ever day for work but I can't spend some for a thank you for my parents .

sarah42nd · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-would-really-like-smack-fi-over-head-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6b5788fc-7418-43b7-a3c3-edca2eb82ccdPost:0c32fdac-224f-4387-a3ae-58f7334dc9d4">Re: VENT: I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, I'm seeing red flags all over this. I would suggest getting some premarital counseling beside what the church requires (which is what I'm assuming the 12 week deal is). I am speaking from personal experience here. Have you lived on your own before, or are you going straight from your parents' house to his house with his son? By any chance, if he's divorced, do you happen to know the reason behind the divorce? I'm not being nosy - there's just a lot of bells going off here for me, and a lot of things I wish I'd seen the first time around.
Posted by missy68[/QUOTE]

We have lived together for a year and a few months .Yes I have lived on my own and with people .

He never had a divorce. My stepson came out of basically a one night stand , kind of situation .

AdeleDazeem · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-would-really-like-smack-fi-over-head-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6b5788fc-7418-43b7-a3c3-edca2eb82ccdPost:aaae3139-e772-4375-bee1-9218743fb917">Re: VENT: I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: VENT: I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now : You're the second person to do that today and probably the 1 billionth ever in the history of the world. It's "methinks". This is where I should say something like "Obviously you're didalitlejig (dalj2) because she says 'me thinks' as well. OMG good luck proving me wrong! My logic is flawless!" But I won't :)
Posted by didalittlejig[/QUOTE]

Huh... I didn't realize it was all one word. There ya go.

And, I'm pretty innocuous and enjoy flying under the radar. I wouldn't make an AE because in the end everyone would be like "who made the AE? Who the hell is Joy??" :)

Midgie373 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-would-really-like-smack-fi-over-head-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:6b5788fc-7418-43b7-a3c3-edca2eb82ccdPost:95f8568f-8f6d-4039-9ac4-4b145f5ff017">Re: VENT: I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: VENT: I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now : I agree. Now that my parents are paying the budget we have an extra grand that we can use towards the wedding or whatever we want to . I mean he goes ut to lunch almost ever day for work but I can't spend some for a thank you for my parents .
Posted by sarah42nd[/QUOTE]

I'm giving this a major stink eye. I don't how to word my objection to this with out coming across as an uberbitch or asking too many questions about your personal finances. It just doesn't sit right with me. It's VERY controlling.

VENT: I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now

Re: VENT: I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now

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