Bridesmaids Issues

brimcleod · December 2009

Okay, so my wedding is in September, so we have a ways to go, but I already asked my best friends to be bridesmaids.

My cousin & I were really close when we were kids, almost like sisters. We promised to be each other's maid of honors, when it came time. Over the past several years, however, she changed into the kind of person I didn't really want to be around, and we just lost touch. About a year ago, she turned her life around, and we are trying to get close again, but it's sort of awkward still. So, I just made her a bridesmaid (not MOH).

I announced my wedding on Black Friday to my family & asked my best friend to be my Maid of Honor. I wasn't really close with my cousin anymore, and I felt that she didn't know me well enough anymore to be my MOH, but felt that I love her a lot and wanted her to be a bridesmaid.This past week, she announced that she's also getting married, but in May. She asked me to be a bridesmaid, and I agreed. But my mom said that she was talking to my cousin, and apparently she's very upset that she isn't my maid of honor. My response was "well, I'm not her's either...", but apparently that's just because she wasn't mine..I guess we were just trying to keep it equal and not make one another feel bad...

Now, my MOH is being a pain, and not really willing to work for her title. I need her here at the end of January for some planning & a bridal expo, and she's making it very difficult for me. So difficult that I'm getting to the point where I want to demote her. But how do I demote her & put my cousin in her place without hurting any feelings?

Should I do a switcharoo, or keep it the way it is & hope for the best?

pandasquishy · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:889c466b-64e4-4918-9c69-c4a2c618cf8ePost:0debd010-6111-489a-a873-c8853c17de40">Bridesmaids Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, so my wedding is in September, so we have a ways to go, but I already asked my best friends to be bridesmaids. My cousin & I were really close when we were kids, almost like sisters. We promised to be each other's maid of honors, when it came time. Over the past several years, however, she changed into the kind of person I didn't really want to be around, and we just lost touch. About a year ago, she turned her life around, and we are trying to get close again, but it's sort of awkward still. So, I just made her a bridesmaid (not MOH). I announced my wedding on Black Friday to my family & asked my best friend to be my Maid of Honor. I wasn't really close with my cousin anymore, and I felt that she didn't know me well enough anymore to be my MOH, but felt that I love her a lot and wanted her to be a bridesmaid.This past week, she announced that she's also getting married, but in May. She asked me to be a bridesmaid, and I agreed. But my mom said that she was talking to my cousin, and apparently she's very upset that she isn't my maid of honor. My response was "well, I'm not her's either...", but apparently that's just because she wasn't mine..I guess we were just trying to keep it equal and not make one another feel bad... <strong>Now, my MOH is being a pain, and not really willing to work for her title. I need her here at the end of January for some planning & a bridal expo, and she's making it very difficult for me. So difficult that I'm getting to the point where I want to demote her. But how do I demote her & put my cousin in her place without hurting any feelings</strong>? Should I do a switcharoo, or keep it the way it is & hope for the best?
Posted by brimcleod[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Your MOH doesn't have to work for a title. Her only duties are to show up on your wedding day in a dress and stand up with you. So if she doesn't want to help you plan or go to a bridal expo, she doesn't have to. Also, you can't really demote a bridesmaid, especially for something as petty as she won't go to a bridal fair with you (those are a waste of time anyway). Even if she had done something truly grievous, you can't demote someone without hurting feelings. So, keep it the way it is.

</div>

mbcdefg · December 2009

Your mom needs to butt out. It's not her place to say who should be MOH. MOH should be your current closest friend.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:889c466b-64e4-4918-9c69-c4a2c618cf8ePost:0debd010-6111-489a-a873-c8853c17de40">Bridesmaids Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Now, my MOH is being a pain, and not really willing to work for her title. I need her here at the end of January for some planning & a bridal expo, and she's making it very difficult for me. So difficult that I'm getting to the point where I want to demote her. But how do I demote her & put my cousin in her place without hurting any feelings? Should I do a switcharoo, or keep it the way it is & hope for the best?
Posted by brimcleod[/QUOTE]

"Work for her title"? What on earth does that mean? Again, MOH should be your closest friend, not the person willing to do the most stuff for your wedding. This is one of the most pretentious, selfish things I've ever read on this board. She's not in the military or in a job situation, for Pete's sake ... she's your FRIEND. What a crappy way for you to treat a friend.

The MOH, or any bridesmaids for that matter, are not required to help you plan or to attend expos with you. If they can make it, great. If not, oh well. They have their own lives and interests outside of your wedding. She is not a bad MOH if she cannot go to the expo or help you plan.

No, there is no way to "demote" someone. Kicking someone out of a wedding party because she's unavailable to help out is bad enough ... but essentially telling someone, "I'm going to demote you to a regular bridesmaid to teach you a lesson" is even worse. Seriously, take a step back and think about how pretentious and self-absorbed that sounds ... "I want to embarrass and hurt you by taking away a meaningless title, because you didn't devote enough attention to my wedding plans." Wouldn't YOU be incredibly hurt and angry if a supposed friend did that to you?

To answer your question ... yes, you should keep things the way they are. If someone can help, graciously accept their help. If someone cannot help or does not want to help, let it be. It's an incredibly huge bridezilla move to alter your wedding party because of what people are or are not willing to do for you. Your wedding isn't THAT important that people must be helping you whenever you have something to do. Wedding planning is only as hard as YOU make it. I really don't see why planning or an expo would require help.

emilykathleen511 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:889c466b-64e4-4918-9c69-c4a2c618cf8ePost:0debd010-6111-489a-a873-c8853c17de40">Bridesmaids Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Now, my MOH is being a pain, and not really willing to work for her title. I need her here at the end of January for some planning & a bridal expo, and she's making it very difficult for me. So difficult that I'm getting to the point where I want to demote her. But how do I demote her & put my cousin in her place without hurting any feelings? Should I do a switcharoo, or keep it the way it is & hope for the best?
Posted by brimcleod[/QUOTE]

Ummm...so many things wrong here.

1. Your bridesmaids are not your unpaid staff. They don't solely exist from now until September to run errands with you, help you plan your wedding, or to plan you parties. The ONLY person required to help you plan your wedding is your fiance. If it is too much for the two of you, either scale it back or hire a wedding planner.

2. If your bridesmaids do not offer to help you or turn you down when you ask them to help, or do not plan you parties such as a shower or bachelorette party, THEY ARE NOT BAD FRIENDS (or cousins). They are either busy, or they just aren't that into weddings and party planning. They are in no way, shape, or form required to do these things, nor should you expect them to. Remember, no one else is going to be as exciting for YOUR wedding as you are (especially 9 months out).

3. Your Maid of Honor does not have any extra duties until the day of the wedding. These extra duties include holding your bouquet and standing next to you while you exchange vows, signing the marriage license, and possibly giving a toast at the reception if she would like to. Errands such as going to a bridal expo does not require a MOH. If your cousin (or anybody else) would like to go with you, then she can go with you. If your MOH (or anybody else) does not want to go with you, then either go alone or don't go. The same thing applies for planning parties. If someone (anyone!) would like to throw a shower or bachelorette party, then great! It may be the MOH, another bridesmaid, a friend, a relative, one of your fiance's relatives, etc. Make sure you are gracious if anyone is nice enough to plan a party for you. If no one throws you a party, then it sucks, but you don't get one. A party is a gift and is not required of anyone.

4. Don't pick an MOH because you think she is the one who will do the most things for you. Choose the MOH because she is your closest friend.

5. Once you make your decision as to who your bridal party is and asked each person, do NOT go back on this unless you are prepared to lose friends and look like a giant bridezilla to all those around you. It is a very public slight to ask your friend to be your MOH, then suddenly "demote" her down to bridesmaid because she wouldn't run enough errands for you. I am assuming you are good friends with her for reasons other than her ability to run errands for you. Your wedding is no different.

Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm just trying to prevent you from hurting your friends. Merry Christmas.

brimcleod · December 2009

thanks for the hostility guys. i'm trying to reply but my server keeps going out...

i would continute telling you all the whole entire situation, but you're all just being incredibly hostile. anything i say is just going to be shot down for me being a "bridezilla".

stina93446 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:889c466b-64e4-4918-9c69-c4a2c618cf8ePost:c0798fc8-7a04-47ea-b975-297a75dbdbfd">Re: Bridesmaids Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]thanks for the hostility guys. i'm trying to reply but my server keeps going out... i would continute telling you all the whole entire situation, but you're all just being incredibly hostile. anything i say is just going to be shot down for me being a "bridezilla".
Posted by brimcleod[/QUOTE]

<div>You're a newb. You obviously haven't lurked on this board long enough to know that what you're asking for and expecting are too much. You also are only thinking of yourself and not removing yourself from the equation to know how others are affected. The girls on this board are honest and sometimes it seems like they're hostile, but really it's the OP who always needs to adjustment.</div>

brimcleod · December 2009

alrighty, so here's the WHOLE situation, if you want to actually be helpful...

MOH: she was all in at the beginning. she texted me all the time, kept asking what she could do to help. she said she'd be here whenever needs be, and she offered to drive all the other bridesmaids up here (they're 2 hours away). ALL of my bridesmaids have already told me that they want to be involved in all aspects of planning. i discuss EVERYTHING with them. my wedding planner (yes, i do have one, thank you) is one of my really close friends too. they've all agreed to being here at the end of january to have a litle get-together to kick-off the planning & discuss dress options, colors, locations, etc. i wouldn't mind if someone couldn't make it. in fact, one of my BM's has already said she has absolutely no way to get here because her sister is in a band competition that day. not a biggie. but my MOH has suddenly changed from being super duper helpful, and all in, to everything i say has to be an argument. even with non-wedding issues. i'll just talk to her about random stuff, and it turns into an argument. now, no real planning has taken place yet, so i know she's not overstressed. she's just being super argumentative now.

my cousin: she's wanting to be much more involved, and she's much closer to me (location-wise) than any of the others.

because much of my wedding is DIY and low-budget, yet still formal, i asked my girls from the very beginning if they'd be willing to help out several times before the wedding, and they have anxiously agreed. they're all stoked. and now the MOH is in a much different mood.

now, can you be a little more understanding?

stina93446 · December 2009

While I can understand why you're frustrated, NO, I can't give you the go ahead to demote, fire, or switcheroo with another bm. You picked your MOH to be your MOH....to give someone else the job would be a friendship ending move and the girl who moved up would know that she was a replacement....not your first pick for the job. Sloppy seconds. It sucks that she was all ready to help and now she's not. It sounds to me like the issue might not have to do with the wedding, but more with the friendship. Have you tried to hang out with her and talk about HER?

Also, is SHE married? She could be jealous and not know how to behave. Just something you might want to think about.

And I know you've heard it from everyone else. but a MOH and BM position is a position of "honor" and there are no real "jobs" that are required of any of these people. You can ask for help, but they are allowed to decline. Ask your Wedding planner or even your fi to help if you need it. And I hope that you picked your MOH based on who was your best friend, not someone who wanted to help the most. HTH

brimcleod · December 2009

would it be okay to promote my cousin to a Matron of Honor (since she'll be married 4 months prior), and keep my Maid of Honor, or is that not allowed?
Could the Matron of Honor stand 2nd in line?

stina93446 · December 2009

I am not sure what the other regs on this board believe on this issue....as for me, it really still depends on why you're promoting the cousin? Is it because you honestly want her to also have that honor or because you want a shower and bachelorette party and don't think the other girl will do it.....because the only way I think is right is the first one.

When my best friend got married (she always said that I was going to be her MOH) she broke it to me that she was adding someone else to be a matron....and although I know better now, I was NOT happy about this whole sharing thing. The matron stood behind me and did none of the MOH things anways. I held the ring, signed the marriage license...etc. But it bothered me that she changed her mind like that. I am much more mature and understand weddings a lot better now, but how do you think your MOH will react to this change?

brimcleod · December 2009

1)pretty sure my MOH wouldn't care.
2)it's got nothing to do with the shower/bachelorette party, definitely. i definitely do not want a bachelorette party, and i certainly don't want my cousin planning it. lol.

stina93446 · December 2009

If you really want to have a matron, have one, but don't demote your friend, especially if you say she's your BF. As for the bridal expo and helping, ask your wedding planner to pick up more slack or dude, USE YOUR FI. It's his wedding too, you know.

mbcdefg · December 2009

The backstory doesn't matter. There's still no way to demote the MOH without coming across as a gigantic bridezilla. If she does something truly awful (hits you, steals from you, etc.), kick her out and end the friendship. Otherwise, all a "demotion" would do would be to send the message that you are primarily concerned with what people can do for you, rather than their friendship.

I would not promote anyone else to MOH because I think it sends the wrong message ("I want to reward people who pay attention to my wedding, and punish those who don't"). If you are grateful for someone's extra help, write her a note of thanks or take her out to dinner as a thank you. Rewarding people with titles is something that royalty does, not regular people.

Nobody was "hostile" to you. Getting answers you didn't want to hear is not "hostility." Being told that you are wrong is not "hostility." You came here looking for advice and you got it.

And instead of worrying about demoting your friend ... how about you TALK to her??? If she's gone from Super Great Friend to Argumentative Pain in the Butt, then obviously something is up. Invite her out for coffee and ask what's bothering her. Maybe it's something YOU did, or maybe it's something that has nothing to do whatsoever with you or your wedding.

Treat people as friends first, and bridesmaids second. People won't want to help you or be your friend if your main concern is your wedding and their role in it. A wedding is one day, relationships (hopefully) last a lifetime.

stina93446 · December 2009

[QUOTE] Treat people as friends first, and bridesmaids second. People won't want to help you or be your friend if your main concern is your wedding and their role in it. A wedding is one day, relationships (hopefully) last a lifetime.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

<div>This! Couldn't have been said better.</div>

brimcleod · December 2009

hmm...well apparently you all don't have good friends who are willing to work to make the biggest day of your life amazing.

too bad for you.

see my new post.

stina93446 · December 2009

You mean slaves, right? Because I have no slaves, but plenty of friends.

brimcleod · December 2009

i'm pretty sure that my girls don't think that i'm a slave driver by anymeans.

i don't think that it's too much to ask my girls to help me. they're asking to help. they want to help make my day perfect. i don't know how we got on this topic. my simple question was whether or not i should promote my cousin and/or demote my MOH.

why couldn't you just make nice responses, such as,

"there's no need to make a change. if your MOH isn't being cooperative and wants to be argumentative, you should just talk to her and see what's going on."

clearly that's how you feel, and there was no need to attack my way of doing things.

stina93446 · December 2009

People already told you that. We got on the issue of bms not having duties because in your original post, you wrote that your MOH wasn't working up to her title. If you lurked even 2 days, you would know that none of your BP is required to work for your wedding.

It's great that they want to help and that you asked for help. That's great. No one here is against you in that, believe me. We all ask for help. We all offer to help for our friends' weddings.

You just can't expect everyone to want to help or have time to help. It's your wedding and no one cares about it as much as you do.

And since you want it, No, I don't think you should promote your cousin and/or demote your MOH. You should leave it as is and stop stressing over this.

brimcleod · December 2009

well, perhaps my best friends should care about my wedding very close to as much as i do. one would think.

stina93446 · December 2009

[QUOTE]well, perhaps my best friends should care about my wedding very close to as much as i do. one would think.
Posted by brimcleod[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Sorry this one is just too good too. Goodnight and happy wedding.

</div>

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:889c466b-64e4-4918-9c69-c4a2c618cf8ePost:77a0ddd2-079c-4f5c-a865-8eb5be3e9f02">Re: Bridesmaids Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]hmm...well apparently you all don't have good friends who are willing to work to make the biggest day of your life amazing. too bad for you. see my new post.
Posted by brimcleod[/QUOTE]

Uhm, It seems that you are the one with friends that aren't willing to work for you.

We're actually nice to our friends and treat them like friends, not slaves. Thus, they are happy to help.

Mrs.B6302007 · December 2009

Yeah, demoting isn't cool. Unless, for example, the MOH sleeps with the FI. Then demoting is the least of worries.

How about just not having a MOH and do all BMs? Then everyone's "equal" and the demoting/promoting issue goes away.

banana468 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:889c466b-64e4-4918-9c69-c4a2c618cf8ePost:763d1260-f652-4aed-a0a1-ac1210e86b27">Re: Bridesmaids Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]well, perhaps my best friends should care about my wedding very close to as much as i do. one would think.
Posted by brimcleod[/QUOTE]

I don't know ANYONE who thinks like this. When I was getting married, why on earth would my best friends be as excited as I was? DH and I were the ones living happily ever after with all the presents from the guests! And when the time comes for us to have a child, I can't expect them to be as excited as we will be either. That's very flawed logic there.

Demoting and changing the BP is not appropriate. I have to wonder why on Earth you started your exuberant planning and making demands during the time of year when just about everyone is at her busiest!

Yes, your cousin should respect your BP choices but only you know how close you are to the cousin at the moment. She could be perceiving a public slight as well and that can also be hurting her feelings.

KappaK · December 2009

No one, and I mean, NO ONE, cares as much about your wedding as you do. If it is a low budget DIY, think about what those letters stand for, mainly the last one. YOURSELF. If you BMs volunteer to help, wonderful! Mine have. However, I wouldn't dream of demoting someone who is "working for their title".

Oh, and in regards to your newer post where you said you were going to go to other boards...the women on this board do go to other ones as well. Also, notice the only people to agree with you and your ideas are newbies and your friends.

Just some food for thought! Happy planning, and remember you get one day for your wedding, is it really worth throwing relationship in the pooper for?

trix1223 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:889c466b-64e4-4918-9c69-c4a2c618cf8ePost:0debd010-6111-489a-a873-c8853c17de40">Bridesmaids Issues</a>:
[QUOTE].. Now, my MOH is being a pain, and not really willing to work for her title. .
Posted by brimcleod[/QUOTE]

Bwaaaaaaaahahaha. That was great! What exactly does it mean to "work for her title?"

[Deleted User] · December 2009

Since you are so interested in having your BMs earn their title, why don't you start by having one of them teach you the rules of capitalization? Or, even better, maybe you can just make them type for you.

brimcleod · December 2009

Um, hunny,
I wouldn't go into grammar with me.
I'm a Journalism major & have been an editor for 5 years. I know what I'm doing. I just don't seem to care as much when I'm online. It's not a novel. haha.

Not trying to be mean, but really, I do know what I'm doing.

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:889c466b-64e4-4918-9c69-c4a2c618cf8ePost:2d3c3c22-21f3-4928-8cb9-bfa3de76055b">Re: Bridesmaids Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Not trying to be mean, but really, I do know what I'm doing. :D
Posted by brimcleod[/QUOTE]

Clearly.

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