Who should be MOH?

leeenpocket · October 2010

My fiance and I are going to have 4 BMs and 4GMs. In order to have my 2 little cousins (who I'm very close to) attend my adult's only wedding (there are a lot of children in my family, most of whom don't even know who I am) and not offend anybody, I made them junior BMs (too old to be flowergirls, too young to be regular BMs). Now I only get to pick two friends for my BMs.....my two BEST friends. I'm the MOH for both of them. BM #1 and I have been friends for years and we at some point we promised each other we would be each others MOH's. Then she moved, and a few years she moved back. While she was away, I got a new best friend....BM#2....and we promised to be each others MOHs because I didn't think BM#1 would be moving back. Now I'm best friends with both of them and I have NO idea who to pick for the MOH since they both kind of assume they will be it. Any suggestions?

Edit: (I already posted this in a reply but just in case people don't ready the replies.) Now about the Junior BMs. Is that OK to do? Make my only 2 little cousins on my dads side...actually they are second cousins....part of the WP so they can come? My mom has a huge family and all of my 20 cousins are starting to reproduce and I'm not close to any of them. But I already know that some of the aunts are offended that their grandkids can't be there but the other two can't. I'm very close to my dad's side and rarely see anyone in my moms family.

bablingbrooke · October 2010

Why can't they both be MOH or tell them you can't choose between them and have no MOH? That seems like the best option here.

And you shouldn't limit yourself by numbers; that's just ridiculous. You don't "only get" to pick two--you can pick however many you want.

mbcdefg · October 2010

Your closest friend should be the MOH. If you have two closest friends, then have two Maids of Honor. If you have more than that, have everyone be a bridesmaid.

Don't base it on childhood promises, tit-for-tat if you were in their wedding, etc. Pick your closest friend(s). Boom, done.

You are not limited by numbers. It'd be really crappy to leave a friend out of your wedding just because you think you need to match the number of people your FI has. Pick who you want, and don't ask your FI to ask more guys to even things out.

"Junior Bridesmaids" ARE bridesmaids. There's no need for the junior title. They're doing the exact same things as the adult bridesmaids (wearing dress, walking down aisle, posing for photos), so there's no reason why they're "too young to be bridesmaids." The adult BMs are not doing anything different from them.

You will make this a LOT easier on yourself if you stop worrying about even numbers. What's the point of a perfectly matched bridal party? Your guests won't give a rat's rear end.

leeenpocket · October 2010

I have bad OCD tendencies involving numbers. It has to be even. And I'm absolutely find with just having my two closest friends. I guess the no MOH idea would be pretty good.

Now about the Junior BMs. Is that OK to do? Make my only 2 little cousins on my dads side...actually they are second cousins....part of the WP so they can come? My mom has a huge family and all of my 20 cousins are starting to reproduce and I'm not close to any of them. But I already know that some of the aunts are offended that their grandkids can't be there but the other two can't. I'm very close to my dad's side and rarely see anyone in my moms family.

Manwaithiel · October 2010

*sigh* *deep breath*

Do you really, truly have OCD. Do you? Answer that, and then I'll continue to answer your concerns.

leeenpocket · October 2010

Yea. Diagnosed.

bablingbrooke · October 2010

Don't try to include the whole family, especially lots of kids. Way more of a headache than it's worth. If family members are pressuring you, they're in the wrong. No one will be left as a guest if you include them all, and they don't have to be IN the wedding for you to be able to spend time with them. Trust me--I have 17 cousins on my mom's side and 12 on my dad's. I'm glad we didn't try to include all of them.

Unless you've actually been diagnosed with OCD, please dont' use that as an excuse. My MIL actually has OCD about symmetry and organization and numbers, and even she didn't notice our uneven sides come the wedding day, though she freaked out at the idea of it. Trust me, if she was okay with it, you'll be just fine.

ETA: DIdn't see your last post. Like I said, my MIL has the same issue, and even she was okay with it, so really, you'll be fine. I doubt you'll regret having uneven sides, but I bet you will regret that you let this need for symmetry keep your BFFs out of the WP.

leeenpocket · October 2010

In the long run I might be fine with uneven sides. But I don't want the anxiety of dealing with the idea of it on top of the anxiety of just planning the wedding.

Manwaithiel · October 2010

Alright, is this severe enough where it's going to be debilitating if you don't have even sides or is it just an annoyance. I'm annoyed that my fiance and his groomsmen want to wear Chucks for the wedding. They may very well do it. Will I be pretty aggravated? Probably, I think it's kind of ridiculous to wear sneakers in a wedding ceremony. Is it going to stop me from enjoying the wedding? Not really. I'll get over it.

In any case, skip MOH altogether if it will be too much of a hassle and include those nearest and dearest.

bablingbrooke · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-moh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:178afdd0-8617-4158-b692-eb68a68b511cPost:eebda2a7-a8ab-4c47-adcc-3457b165a231">Re: Who should be MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]In the long run I might be fine with uneven sides. But I don't want the anxiety of dealing with the idea of it on top of the anxiety of just planning the wedding.
Posted by leeenpocket[/QUOTE]
There really needn't be any anxiety about it. Just ask yourself: What is the worst thing that could happen if I have uneven sides? Will you still be married? Will you still be thinking about it the next day, next month, and next year?

Beachy730 · October 2010

Are you going to be worried about the uneven sides part of it, or the uneven walking down the aisle? If the part about uneven sides that bothers you is that the girls wouldn't have guys to walk with, have the 2 junior BMs walk together. As for even sides standing next to you or sitting in the pew, I would be amazed if you knew it at your wedding. Our WP sat in the first pew on each side, and I honestly never looked at their pew long enough to notice the count.

As for the MOH situation, honestly how old are you that you're worried about a promise you made to them to be MOH? And if you're going to say you never go back on a promise or something, then you never should have promised a second person. Regradless, my 3 closest girl friends and I in high school all used to say we would be eachothers BMs and rotate being MOH. I'm still friends with them, but only close enough with 1 anymore that she was a BM, and none of them were my MOH. So pick based off of who you are closest to now. If you can't handle that, pick both or nobody.

As far as being okay to have these kids in your wedding only to invite them thats your choice. But I think its a little petty that you are only having them in your WP to manipulate your guest list as you want it. But if you realy want them in the WP, then as I said thats your choice.

lalap69 · October 2010

I'd make them both MOH or tell them that I couldn't pick and not have a MOH at all. And I don't see a point in making them "JR" BMs. They'll do the same thing as the other BMs - wear a dress and stand up, so why qualify that they're younger? And since you want to have 4, you'll have 4 with the 2 MOHs and 2 counsins...or am I missing something?

aerinpegadrak · October 2010

The girlfriend of one of our GM has really bad OCD about even numbers. She copes with medication and therapy. She attended our wedding which had uneven sides, and had no issues with it. Talking about it beforehand, she said that if there were an odd number of attendants up there, she'd just count the officiant as part of the group, which would keep her from freaking out about it.

Just don't think of your attendants in terms of numbers, or put your FI's side completely out of your thoughts (since they're not really your concern anyway). There are ways to trick your brain into thinking that there's nothing to worry about, my friend does it all the time.

mbcdefg · October 2010

Uneven sides will not kill you.

leeenpocket · October 2010

I know uneven sides will not kill me. Thanks for pointing that out. And I know it isn't a big deal. It's just my choice to have even sides...and I'd like it to stay that way. I'm perfectly content with only having two friends as BMs because I really only have 2 CLOSE friends. I'm just facing the dilemma of which to be the MOH....which, thanks to your answers I'm going to do away with completely.

As for my cousins...I do consider them as regular bridesmaids. I was just clarifying on here that they are technically "Jr" because of their age. And yes....there will be 4 on each side because I won't be making anyone else a BM. It works out perfectly. So everyone can stop commenting on my OCD and the even sides situation. That isn't the problem. The real problem is the cousin/other kids situation.

bablingbrooke · October 2010

The reason people keep pointing it out is that it's utterly meaningless and it can really hurt feelings to exclude people based on numbers. It's putting form over substance and, really, when is that ever the right choice?

I'm going to reiterate my earlier advice to not include all those kids. For someone whose OCD is so serious, I don't know why you'd even entertain the idea. Just take some family photos with the professional photographer and make sure you spend time with everyone. If you get pressure, just say you've made your decision and change the subject. Don't entertain conversations on the issue. If people threaten to boycott the wedding, call their bluff (rarely, if ever, do people go through with it). They may be upset at first but they'll get over it.

Beachy730 · October 2010

Ditto brooke.

I answered you earlier about how I feel about the kids being in the WP. I think you are only asking them to be BMs in order to manipulate your guest list, and I find that to be petty. As a guest I would rather be told that you invited who you were closest to than to see you only put them in the WP to have them at the wedding.

I think you have your priorities skewed here. Having who you want by your side should trump having even sides. Not having your good friend in the WP in order to manipulate your guest list is also wrong. If you really want them there you can say you invited them as friends rather than as family.

We made our cut off at first cousins only, because second cousins in my huge family would be an extra 30 people. However I have a second cousin who I am extremely close with her and husband. We have several mutual friends and have even vacationed together. We invited them as friends and they were sat with the mutual friends. Nobody in our family questioned why they were invited and others weren't.

mbcdefg · October 2010

If you cannot choose one (or maybe two, tops) closest friends out of this bunch, then I agree that not designating a MOH at all is probably your best bet.

aerinpegadrak · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-moh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:178afdd0-8617-4158-b692-eb68a68b511cPost:fe32b9da-009e-4027-a5f6-abc3a0b28f74">Re: Who should be MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]I know uneven sides will not kill me. Thanks for pointing that out. And I know it isn't a big deal. It's just my choice to have even sides...and I'd like it to stay that way. I'm perfectly content with only having two friends as BMs because I really only have 2 CLOSE friends. I'm just facing the dilemma of which to be the MOH....which, thanks to your answers I'm going to do away with completely. As for my cousins...I do consider them as regular bridesmaids. I was just clarifying on here that they are technically "Jr" because of their age. And yes....there will be 4 on each side because I won't be making anyone else a BM. It works out perfectly. So everyone can stop commenting on my OCD and the even sides situation. That isn't the problem. The real problem is the cousin/other kids situation.
Posted by leeenpocket[/QUOTE]
But when your choice is causing potential problems and hurt feelings, you have to be prepared to either change your mind or accept the consequences of being stubborn. That's simply the nature of society and being an adult. I can choose to walk to the mailbox naked because I didn't feel like putting on clothes and I'm more comfortable that way, but I guarantee the nice policeman isn't going to just send me on my merry way if I tell him that it was my choice and I didn't want to change it.

leeenpocket · October 2010

Ok. I'm pretty sure there is some misunderstanding here. Having them as my BMs is not what is offending people. Having them there AT ALL is causing problems. I made them BMs mainly because I want them to be BMs. Like I said, I'm very close to them. They would be invited regardless. Making them BMs does, however, mean they MUST be there whereas the other children do not. Therefore, my choice to have even sides isn't hurting anyone. I want them as well as my two best friends as BMs. Including any other friends WOULD cause hurt feelings because other not-so-close friends wouldn't be included as well. I'm not going to have 10 BMs, nor do I want or am expected to.

The problem is all the children on my mom's side of the family not be invited. Basically, my aunts (moms side) are jealous of my only aunt on my dads side (who I'm closer to). They should be happy that their CHILDREN are even invited (who I'm not close to) let alone their grandchildren.

Manwaithiel · October 2010

I am completely confused by you. You're gonig to have to explain that last post again as it makes absolutely no sense.

And there is no "age" limit for BMs. I have a 16 year old MOH (my sister) who was 15 at the time I asked her. No one's gotten up in arms about her being a "real" BM. And I don't even know what that has to do with this situation. What is all this child talk?

lalap69 · October 2010

I'm a little confused, but from what I'm gathering... "I'm really sorry, but we just didn't have space to invite everyone we would have wanted" is something you're going to have to get used to saying, a lot. And I don't have a problem with you having your cousins as BMs to justify that cutoff line.

bdulli13 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-moh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:178afdd0-8617-4158-b692-eb68a68b511cPost:d7e7052d-21b0-4e1f-8bdc-6a8bc93587fd">Re: Who should be MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Alright, is this severe enough where it's going to be debilitating if you don't have even sides or is it just an annoyance. I'm annoyed that my fiance and his groomsmen want to wear Chucks for the wedding. They may very well do it. Will I be pretty aggravated? Probably, I think it's kind of ridiculous to wear sneakers in a wedding ceremony. Is it going to stop me from enjoying the wedding? Not really. I'll get over it. In any case, skip MOH altogether if it will be too much of a hassle and include those nearest and dearest.
Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]

Mine too. Guess we have to pick our battles <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-cool.gif" border="0" alt="Cool" title="Cool" />

Manwaithiel · October 2010

Lol. I probably should just let him wear them.

bdulli13 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-moh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:178afdd0-8617-4158-b692-eb68a68b511cPost:5e5cadf1-d56e-4f4b-8628-693ba85c9834">Re: Who should be MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Manwait & bdulli: My SIL and all his WP wore Nike Live Strong shocks with their tuxes. They did it in a quiet tribute to his dad who had died 9 months earlier. But my DH said he just couldn't walk his daughter down the aisle in sneakers.....and son and DD were most understanding. But, DH now wears them all the time, and loves them. =)
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

That is really sweet :-) I wish my fiance wanted to do it in a touching tribute, but no. Just wants to be a silly guy! Guess it's the charm I fell in love with in the first place!

leeenpocket · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-moh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:178afdd0-8617-4158-b692-eb68a68b511cPost:4a5e745d-1131-4b1e-8fc5-a9097d8f3e17">Re: Who should be MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who should be MOH? : You are kind of changing your story here so I am getting very confused. You originally said that you had to ask your cousins to justify inviting them, now you're saying you wanted to ask them anyways. Fine. But you also said because of asking them you were only able to ask 2 of your friends to be BMs because you need even numbers. So you had everyone under the assumption that you had a few more girls you wanted. The bolded part very much confuses me. Why would these not-so-close friends expect to be BMs, or be hurt by you asking your close friends? You should ask who is nearest and dearest to you. I would feel like the biggest 'zilla ever if I let my fear of uneven sides or my fear of upsetting other friends keep me from asking my closest friends to stand by me as a BM. As for the last part, please don't convey that message to them like that, or else I would expect all of them to decline the invitaiton. All you have to say is "Unfortunately we are not able to invite everyone we would like to." If there really are jealousy issues then they will most likely have hurt feelings regardless of who is invited and who isn't since you have the other cousins in the WP and at the wedding.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

Asking them to be BMs just kind of drove home the fact that I want them there.

Stating that I only got to ask 2 friends was just pointing out that there were 2 friends in the running for MOH. I'm sorry if people assumed I wanted anyone else.

The not-so-close friends DON'T assume they will be BMs. I was just pointing out that I only have 2 close friends and don't want anyone else as a BM so everyone would stop pointing out the "uneven sides" thing. Choosing anyone else for a BM would mean me asking one not-so-close friend over another, which would hurt feelings....even though that is not why I'm not asking anyone else....I just don't want anyone else.

I probably won't say that to anyone. Although, my family has feuds like no other, so some people will probably end up not coming.

Manwaithiel · October 2010

I'm still confused. Sorry. =(

bablingbrooke · October 2010

I think I get what's going on.

OP wants her two friends as her BMs and her two cousins as Jr. BMs. She was trying to figure out how to pick MOH and has decided not to choose between them (yay OP!). The even sides were sort of an aside, but as written they sounded like a deciding factor. Nothing wrong with that, so long as you're not not asking someone due to even sides. Which, as far as I can tell, you're not.

Now she wants to invite some relatives on her mom's side but it's hard to do so without either cutting a bunch of people and making those relatives mad or not having them at all. So she though about having them as BMs to get around the cut-off.

Assuming I got all of this right...

I say do the cut-off, invite the select few you want there, and be done with it. DH is from a culture where you normally invite third cousins' stepchildren's neighbors to the wedding, but that wasn't an option for us, so we just went with first cousins and not their children or other relatives. We got a little flak from his mom at first, but it just wasn't in the budget to invite those people. It worked out in the end. AFAIK, no one holds a grudge about it. We didn't wave our wedding in their faces or do anything to flaunt that they weren't invited, and since DH doesn't really have a lot of contact with them to begin with, it wasn't hard. I'm sure yours will be the same way, if not at first, eventually.

IAmLymelady · October 2010

I can understand wanting to have certain younger familiy members there but not others. My sister wanted that for her wedding, but ended up having to invite all of the children anyway, and it was stressful.

I think that asking them to be junior bridesmaids is a diplomatic way to go about it; afterall, they are special among the younger folks because you want them there despite not wanting other children there. That means that you feel that your bond with them is special enough to invite them into your wedding party. It's not a lie, it's an honest feeling, and just as it is okay to not invite kids but still have a flower girl/ring bearer, it is okay to not invite kids but include your cousins.

It is about you.

Are either of your friends dealing with stressful life events? Most people are. If so, you can say to them that you love them both like sisters, you want the MOH duties divided up so that neither of them has to deal with the entire MOH stress, and give them both MOH status. Pamper them with lunches and treat them to mani/pedis before the event if you can afford to. You could even have them walk down the aisle together so there's no "Who's walking with the best man?" debate, and finding a pattern that you like that involves female-male couples should be easy because they'll coordinate. You could do something like MOHs, Best man/groomsman, junior bridesmaids, other groomsmen, or do ladies first and then gentlemen, or whatever makes you comfortable.

Breathe deeply, treat yourself well, you're marrying the man of your dreams and the day is all about the two of you. Do things your way.

leeenpocket · October 2010

Thank you brooke and Lyme Lady. You were both very helpful.

leeenpocket · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-moh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:178afdd0-8617-4158-b692-eb68a68b511cPost:28307da2-e11a-47e4-8fd9-e77434eaff5f">Re: Who should be MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ask yourself one question. When you look at your wedding album twenty years from now, will you be looking into each maids face, and remembering how special it was to have them with you that day? Or will you count heads to see how many folks are in the photo, and calculate bride vs groom ratios? What's more important? Numbers, or people's feelings? Do away with the pointless "junior" business. They aren't doing anything differently from the older girls, and kids hate being reminded that they ARE kids. Junior says, " 'ou were picked because 'ou is a sweet widdle gewl." Ick.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

This was all already cleared up in my replies to comments. There will be no hurt feelings!!! I only have 2 Close friends....so my other two are my cousins! I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER BRIDESMAID!!!....not because of uneven sides....simply because I'm not close enough to any other friends to single one out over another.

The only reason I referred to them as "jr", is to clarify that they are young. I do consider them just regular bridesmaids.

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