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Wedding Etiquette Forum
cakeppel
member
FMIL Guest List issue
My fiance's brother got married in August 2010 - Budget was not as much of an issue, as his wife's mother was no longer supporting anyone at home; that said, My fiance's Mom basically had free reign of the guest list since there was no true cap.
Budget it is more of an issue for my parents because they still have a teenager to support at home, so money is not unlimited. My parents asked that there be no more than 200 guests total because they are paying 80% of the bill (Groom's parents have the bar bill only). His mother currently has 3x the amount of friends I do on the list. We have more friends we want to add, but cannot because she says she really can't cut her family friends and co-workers. I understand they have known my fiance for almost 25 years, but I feel she is being disrespectful right now. We are currently at 274, and she asked to add 2 more couples. She also keeps pointing out that most friends cannot be cut because they were invited to his brother's wedding last summer - but why do we have to have the same type of wedding?
Am I wrong to think this is rude? What can I do?
Budget it is more of an issue for my parents because they still have a teenager to support at home, so money is not unlimited. My parents asked that there be no more than 200 guests total because they are paying 80% of the bill (Groom's parents have the bar bill only). His mother currently has 3x the amount of friends I do on the list. We have more friends we want to add, but cannot because she says she really can't cut her family friends and co-workers. I understand they have known my fiance for almost 25 years, but I feel she is being disrespectful right now. We are currently at 274, and she asked to add 2 more couples. She also keeps pointing out that most friends cannot be cut because they were invited to his brother's wedding last summer - but why do we have to have the same type of wedding?
Am I wrong to think this is rude? What can I do?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: FMIL Guest List issue
[QUOTE]My fiance's brother got married in August 2010 - Budget was not as much of an issue, as his wife's mother was no longer supporting anyone at home; that said, My fiance's Mom basically had free reign of the guest list since there was no true cap. Budget it is more of an issue for my parents because they still have a teenager to support at home, so money is not unlimited. My parents asked that there be no more than 200 guests total because they are paying 80% of the bill (Groom's parents have the bar bill only). His mother currently has 3x the amount of friends I do on the list. We have more friends we want to add, but cannot because she says she really can't cut her family friends and co-workers. I understand they have known my fiance for almost 25 years, but I feel she is being disrespectful right now. We are currently at 274, and she asked to add 2 more couples. She also keeps pointing out that most friends cannot be cut because they were invited to his brother's wedding last summer - but why do we have to have the same type of wedding? Am I wrong to think this is rude? What can I do?
Posted by cakeppel[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Give her a set amount that she is allowed to invite. Many people split the list into thirds, giving one third to the brides's parents, 1/3 to groom's parents, and 1/3 for the couple. Your FI can tell her that if she doesn't cut down her list to that amount, he will be making the cuts for her. </div><div>
</div><div>She does not need to invite all of her coworkers and everyone invited to BIL's wedding, especially if it means you and your FI are cutting people that you really want there.
</div>
Planning Bio
Married 9/15/11
*This is Not Legal Advice*
Have your FI explain to his mother that whereas his brother's wedding was huge, your wedding has a cap, and you cannot afford to invite the same number of people. People understand that not every family can spend a ton on weddings, so some weddings will be smaller affairs. Then have FI tell FMIL that she can invite X number of people, and that's that.
FI needs to reign her in right now!
My Married Bio
[QUOTE]Yes, she has been told about 4 times that parents do not want more than 200. :-/
Posted by cakeppel[/QUOTE]
<div>Yikes. She's definitely being disrespectful - I can't imagine hearing "200 max" and thinking "yeah I'm going to give her the list I want to give her anyway..."- she's got some guts! Good luck with everything.</div>
I came up with my list, showed it to my mom and asked for her input. She asked to add her aunt and uncle on her mom's side (I've already included all the relatives on her dad's side because I'm closer to them), a family friend, and three couples we've known for ages. If it had been an issue with numbers, she would have dropped it. FI isn't even giving his mom say over any of the guests on his side. He's inviting all of the family members (pretty small extended family, unlike mine) and he doesn't feel close to any of his mom's friends from when he was growing up so there's no need for her to have any input.
But really, I would just keep the guest list at 200. I would have your FI inform her that she has 66 guests to invite (if you generously choose to give her 1/3 of the guest list), and that if she cannot cut down her list, you and your FI will do it for her. End of story. Do NOT let her walk all over you and your parents, or she'll do it for a lifetime.
Planning!.....Married!
Planning!.....Married!
[QUOTE]Also, one of our guidelies (which my FILs actually suggested) is that if DH and I had never met a couple on one of the parents' lists, they weren't invited. This is your wedding, not a family or college reunion.
Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]
<div>FI and I used this rule as well, but my mother has been the issue, not his. She originally gave me a list of 375 people and when my response was "ummm what the hell" she responded "it's only 200 invitations!" The rule has worked, thank goodness.</div><div>
</div><div>Sidenote: Who the hell counts people in terms of invitations sent?! The fire marshal does not care how many invitations you sent, he cares how many bodies are in the building!</div>
I don't even think you need to give FMIL 1/3 of the guest list. Give them a reasonable amount--whatever you think that is. It's your wedding and it's your parents who are mostly paying for it anyway!
The decided how far out they were going as far as family - aunts/uncles were all included, not every cousin was because there are so many in the extended family. Her DH comes from a very small family - 4 aunts and uncles total. They split up numbers after the "mandatories" were on the list. They kept control of their guest list (her bio mom wanted to go nuts) and after the mandatories and the people they wanted to invite were on the list, they asked for input. For the record....we didn't ask for anyone to be invited. Not our wedding.
after reading some of these posts i am so glad i didn't have these issues.
FI really needs to reign his mother in, that just rude after you've told her mulitple times what the limit was!
FMIL did start listing off all these random family members to FI that needed to be invited, because they were invited to their kids weddings, etc (people FI hasn't seen in a good 10+ years), but FI straight up told her no and she's never mentioned anything since.
OP- I think kmmssg's wording is the best. Have your FI be VERY straightforward with her and let her know that she needs to cut her list or you guys will, but one way or another, it WILL be cut.
(And I think that 1/3 of the guest list going to each set of parents is WAY generous! Mine will be about 40% our friends, 50% our family, and maybe 10% family friends of the parents!)