Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Wedding Etiquette Forum
Felt slighted... how to move on? (Sorry it's long)
I know this may not be etiquette per se but I lurk here the most and in turn feel like I know you all the best.
Back story:
Three years ago (just realized almost to the day lol) my long term college BF broke up with me. I was crushed. But I thought that I had a great group of friends who would have my back and be there for me. Since the break up was very "out-of-the-blue" I didn't get over very quickly. About 4 or 5 of the girls I hung out with were very supportive and I could not have asked for more. However, some of the girls in our group were just mean about the whole thing. Not to get into too many details, it was just snarky stuff that over time caused a riff and we stopped hanging out and speaking all together.
The worst came when I started dating my now FI. We all hung out with the same circle of people (very small college). FI had never seriously dated anyone, but a lot of the girls liked to flirt with him because he was so sweet. When FI and I were just friends he liked a mutual friend; she said she couldn't date him because he was the kind of guy you dated when you were ready to settle down, which she wasn't.
The reason my dating him offended some of our friends was because he was close to my Ex. But before asking me out FI asked Ex if he minded and he didn't.
So now to the point of my post.
FI and Ex are still good friends, and Ex and I even get along rather well. But I'm still not comfortable being around some of my old "friends" who were so mean to me. These friends are also still friends with the girls who would get an invite no matter what. And even though I'm sure we would all be civil, I'm not sure how I feel about inviting people to my wedding who were so opposed to the relationship to begin with.
Would you invite them to keep peace and the snarkiness to a minimum? (Budget / Headcount not an issue)
Back story:
Three years ago (just realized almost to the day lol) my long term college BF broke up with me. I was crushed. But I thought that I had a great group of friends who would have my back and be there for me. Since the break up was very "out-of-the-blue" I didn't get over very quickly. About 4 or 5 of the girls I hung out with were very supportive and I could not have asked for more. However, some of the girls in our group were just mean about the whole thing. Not to get into too many details, it was just snarky stuff that over time caused a riff and we stopped hanging out and speaking all together.
The worst came when I started dating my now FI. We all hung out with the same circle of people (very small college). FI had never seriously dated anyone, but a lot of the girls liked to flirt with him because he was so sweet. When FI and I were just friends he liked a mutual friend; she said she couldn't date him because he was the kind of guy you dated when you were ready to settle down, which she wasn't.
The reason my dating him offended some of our friends was because he was close to my Ex. But before asking me out FI asked Ex if he minded and he didn't.
So now to the point of my post.
FI and Ex are still good friends, and Ex and I even get along rather well. But I'm still not comfortable being around some of my old "friends" who were so mean to me. These friends are also still friends with the girls who would get an invite no matter what. And even though I'm sure we would all be civil, I'm not sure how I feel about inviting people to my wedding who were so opposed to the relationship to begin with.
Would you invite them to keep peace and the snarkiness to a minimum? (Budget / Headcount not an issue)
Next to being married, a girl likes being crossed now and then. - Jane Austen
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Felt slighted... how to move on? (Sorry it's long)
That being said, these ladies burnt their bridges with you - unless you're trying to mend them, I see no point in inviting them to your wedding. Likely, they wouldn't attend anyhow.
I do still talk to some of these girls. Some of them started talking to me on fb and at get togethers as if nothing ever happened. (We all used to be really close.) And one of them might be there as a date. I guess I'm worried that it might make things worse if they are not invited. I'm not worried for my relationships with them really, more like some of my other friends being caught in the middle.
I know I have some time before really worrying about this, but FI and I decided that we need to start working on a potential guest list soon and I know it will come up.
[QUOTE]I'm not sure why anyone in your circle of friends would be upset with YOU because your Ex's friend was interested in dating you. That being said, these ladies burnt their bridges with you - unless you're trying to mend them, I see no point in inviting them to your wedding. Likely, they wouldn't attend anyhow.
Posted by VRL[/QUOTE]
We all had the same friends. It was one big group that did pretty much everything together.
[QUOTE] I'm not worried for my relationships with them really, more like some of my other friends being caught in the middle.
Posted by ast284[/QUOTE]
Honestly, that's not your problem. You can't base your guest list on who's friends with others of your friends. If you end up becoming friendlier with these women again, add them to the guest list then. But you have no obligation to invite an outer circle of friends just because they're also friends with your inner circle.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Felt slighted... how to move on? (Sorry it's long) : [QUOTE ]I'm not sure why anyone in your circle of friends would be upset with YOU because your Ex's friend was interested in dating you . That being said, these ladies burnt their bridges with you - unless you're trying to mend them, I see no point in inviting them to your wedding. Likely, they wouldn't attend anyhow. Posted by VRL[/QUOTE] We all had the same friends. It was one big group that did pretty much everything together.
Posted by ast284[/QUOTE]
I still don't understand why it would matter to them.
Your significant other leaves you, for no apparent reason, you eventually move on with a guy who treats you well (I'm assuming, since he's your FI now), and those friends get upset with you?
I would have felt terribly betrayed if I were you.
I still agree with PPs. You are not obligated to invite them; you are not close with them, even if they are/were members of your circle of friends. Invite the people you love and care about.
Your relationship with your mutual friends? If they are real friends, they will stay out of it. That's between you and those other people. If anyone asks who is invited, just tell them you're still working on the guest list. Once you do send invitations and people wonder why some people weren't invited just say that space and budget constraints meant you couldn't invite everyone. Leave it at that. You owe no explanations to anyone so don't feel pressed to explain.
I think I'm more sad than anything, because before all of this happened there would be no question. There's three girls (one of them is dating FI's best friend) and they are my sorority sisters but at the time they felt more loyalty to my Ex than me. (They actually knew him longer and he has a way with charming people.) So they felt I was wrong to date his friend.
Thanks again! I know this is just something that I will have consider over the course of the next year. Just wanted an outside perspective. Plus I didn't want to ask any mutual friends and make them uncomfortable.
I told my FI before being engaged "no ex's at the wedding, period" but in your case it is up to you.
Planning Bio
[QUOTE]Invite only persons who will support your marriage and your vows to each other and persons who you want to be a part of your new life together (settling down, kids, etc.) I told my FI before being engaged "no ex's at the wedding, period" but in your case it is up to you.
Posted by Amynutrition[/QUOTE]
<div>This. I couldn't have said it any better.</div>
So as others suggested: leave them off for now and reevaluate in like a year. By then you will either have gotten closer or gotten furhter apart.
Also, don't invite them just because they are friends of friends. Believe me, in 10 years when you look back at your guest list, you will probalby shake your head and say why in the world did I invite people I barely care about. I really think it is better to stick with those you are closest to at the time of the wedding and drop the "courtesy" invites.
You don't have to invite everyone in the same circle of friends, and I don't see why you care about how they're going to feel about being left off the list. If they don't support your relationship with your FI, why would you invite them anyway?
And I don't see how it will place the mutual friends in an awkward position. I would hope that they know well enough not to discuss invitations with others, and if they do and it causes awkwardness, that's not your fault.