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Wedding Etiquette Forum
MattsPenguin
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Divorced Parents Drama
MattsPenguin
member
subtitle: How my mom made me feel like crap last night.
So my parents have been divorced since I was 10. They had joint custody, even though my mom's house was my primary residence. We saw my dad at least once per week. I have a stepmom and stepdad, who have both been involved in my life.
My mom called the other day and asked who I wanted to give the welcome at the reception, her or my stepdad. I was caught a bit off guard. And I think in the back of my mind I knew that my mom wanted my stepdad to do it. I thought that this seemed like it would be my mom and stepdad taking credit for the whole reception saying "Look at how awesome we are to throw this party for our daughter" and that my dad would sit there looking like a nobody. So I thought that it might be nice to then ask my dad to do the invocation.
Well I talked to my mom last night and told her that I had asked my dad to do the invocation. She was really upset and said that she had planned on doing it and now she felt like a "second class citizen" at the reception that she's paying half of. (Note, I'm paying the other half and my dad contributed a little bit). She then said that she felt like the ceremony was my dad's (since he is walking me down the aisle) and the reception was hers. I told this to my MOH and she commented "Isn't the ceremony about you and Matt!?!".
Anyway, my mom is really upset, and I truly didn't know what she meant. When she said the welcome, I thought she meant a big speech like "Welcome. We are so excited that you are here and happy to be celebrating with Anne and Matt, blah, blah, blah." Now my mom kind of wants me to take back the invocation from my dad. I really don't feel comfortable with that. My mom said that she's not mad at me, but she's obviously upset and it truly was a misunderstanding.
Anyone else have divorced parents and run into issues like this? I kind of feel like crap now and the cold and the fact that the dog had tummy issues all last night really didn't make me feel better. ARGH!
So my parents have been divorced since I was 10. They had joint custody, even though my mom's house was my primary residence. We saw my dad at least once per week. I have a stepmom and stepdad, who have both been involved in my life.
My mom called the other day and asked who I wanted to give the welcome at the reception, her or my stepdad. I was caught a bit off guard. And I think in the back of my mind I knew that my mom wanted my stepdad to do it. I thought that this seemed like it would be my mom and stepdad taking credit for the whole reception saying "Look at how awesome we are to throw this party for our daughter" and that my dad would sit there looking like a nobody. So I thought that it might be nice to then ask my dad to do the invocation.
Well I talked to my mom last night and told her that I had asked my dad to do the invocation. She was really upset and said that she had planned on doing it and now she felt like a "second class citizen" at the reception that she's paying half of. (Note, I'm paying the other half and my dad contributed a little bit). She then said that she felt like the ceremony was my dad's (since he is walking me down the aisle) and the reception was hers. I told this to my MOH and she commented "Isn't the ceremony about you and Matt!?!".
Anyway, my mom is really upset, and I truly didn't know what she meant. When she said the welcome, I thought she meant a big speech like "Welcome. We are so excited that you are here and happy to be celebrating with Anne and Matt, blah, blah, blah." Now my mom kind of wants me to take back the invocation from my dad. I really don't feel comfortable with that. My mom said that she's not mad at me, but she's obviously upset and it truly was a misunderstanding.
Anyone else have divorced parents and run into issues like this? I kind of feel like crap now and the cold and the fact that the dog had tummy issues all last night really didn't make me feel better. ARGH!
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Re: Divorced Parents Drama
Maybe you could just have FI do the welcoming speech, since it's going to be such a major bone of contention with her. And yeah, like your MOH said, neither reception nor ceremony are "for" your parents, and your mom should be a grown-up about all this.
Books read in 2012: 21/50
FI won't do any speech, since he's extremely shy. And I'm fine with my mom giving a welcome, I just didn't know that she also meant the invocation. BOO!
The day is about you, and it's childish and ridiculous for your parents to fight over who gets the most recognition/credit/whatever.
My parents have been divorced since I was six, and it's made my life absolutely miserable, so I completely understand where you're coming from. Sadly, it took my dad's death last year to make my mom start to be a more reasonable person.
I'd tell her that you're going to have your dad do the invocation. And maybe suggest she and your stepdad together welcome people to the reception? Or she can do it rather than him. But it's not right to exclude your father at all.
I think the way you've got it planned makes sense. Your mom and stepdad are paying for half the reception; I can see them wanting to welcome people. But your dad should be involved to. And him walking you down the aisle doesn't make the ceremony about him.
Books read in 2012: 21/50
and I told her that I didn't anticipate the welcome speech to be like "Welcome, and now here's Jim with the invocation." ARGH!
Also, I told her that we're doing the unity candle and she gets to do that! See, she gets some recognition at the ceremony.
It's a difficult balancing act. But I think you're handling it the best way you can.
I'd be all "You don't want to play nice? Nobody gets to have the ball, then."
Books read in 2012: 21/50
Bay - HA! HA! I know what you mean. Part of me just wants to say "Fine! Take back your stupid money and don't bother showing up!" But that's just because I'm upset.
I would explain your feelings to your mom, maybe offer to help her write a really awesome welcome? The invocation (pardon my stupidity, this is the prayer before dinner? My mom's brother did that for us) in no way denotes any credit being taken for the reception, you know?
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And my mom's all "Well usually the hosts do the invocation." Last time I checked my dad's name was at the top of that invitation, too!
I was really worried that my mom would make me have my stepdad also walk me down the aisle, but she didn't say anything about that.
My inlaws are divorced, and I am so incredibly grateful to them for putting aside any differences for our sake.
Sorry you have to go through this
Thanks for all of the "validation" that my mom is being a bit ridiculous/childish/etc. I really hope that my mom had some sense talked into her by my stepdad last night, and that she knows that I wasn't intentionally hurting her.
Lily - I would hope that she would put all of it aside for the wedding, but who knows. I'll see her this weekend, and told her that I wouldn't talk to her about it until I made my decision. I just can't seem to feel that it's right to take it back from my dad.
You obviously can't unask your dad now, but I would look for another way to include your mother a little more. I know you said she's doing the unity candle, but have you considered walking down the aisle with your father AND your mother? I would definitely do a quick thank you speech at the reception with thanks to all your guests and special thanks to your mom.
Definitely a good idea about the thank you speech.