I'm going to be sick

6fsn · February 2013

They upped the offer. It would be a 50% raise. I want to cry.

DixieNormous330 · February 2013

Is the money worth the amount of time away from family and the stress level? Not to mention moving again and all of that upheaval?

**O-Face** · February 2013

>:(

TheMrsC23 · February 2013

Ugh.

Seriously though, he'll be working/on-call 365 days a year, no? Is it worth that?

Interrupted sports practice/weekends/vacations? Missing dinner/family time more often than not? Moving y'all back to the land of no return?

6fsn · February 2013

That's always the question Dixie. We signed up for little league. I took a steering committee position. I like our life.

DH stresses about the money. The current job is a little slow for him.

I hate this.

TheMrsC23 · February 2013

Is there *nothing* that will materialize (at his current job or somewhere else) for him where you guys are currently located? Has he even looked?

VarunaTT · February 2013

I think it's time to pull a wife card. You really don't want this and that's worth a lot more than the money.

Making light: start singing mo' money, mo' problems to him?

6fsn · February 2013

He hasn't looked for anything else. I think we're in the private vs government job suck right now. Private pays a lot more, but public has much more stability.

I hate this. My sister lives in the town we'd move to so I want to talk to her, but she's not calling me back.

6fsn · February 2013

Part of the problem is that the new town wouldn't be horrible, it just wouldn't be as nice. KWIM? A year ago it would have been awesome. My sister is there. My dad works there. We'd be 30 mins from my parents instead of 60. I could stay home longer.

alikatt17 · February 2013

Noooo!

Wzz · February 2013

i guess i would wonder what his feelings would be if the mill DIDN'T make this offer. would he miss being there?

obviously the money sounds great, but if they never came to him to make the offer, would your life go on without issue?

i'd also weight the pros and cons, because the mill woudl benefit, but what would your family get out of it. the money would be nice if he were home to enjoy it.

6fsn · February 2013

I like how you put that zilla. I DON'T think he'd miss the mill if they weren't offering. It's not at a "can't pass it up" offer, but it's awfully close.

PMeg819 · February 2013

I think it's a huge d!ck move on the part of your husband to pursue this even though you don't like the idea. I'm sorry, money is great but what horrible (non-military) person uproots their family after they've gotten settled and are enjoying their life in a new place. He's being a selfish azzhole.

pegasuskat · February 2013

If your really happy where you are then just tell him you don't want to go, but it sounds a little like your warming to the idea a little. I don't know your husband but I wouldn't really say he's being selfish, it sounds like he would hate to turn down the money for the family, especially since you say it would allow you to stay home longer. He may just be willing to sacrifice for you to do that. Money isn't everything though.

6fsn · February 2013

To be fair he hasn't pursued this. They called him with the initial offer. He did sit down and talk with them, but that was also a means to maintain a relationship for consulting work. He turned them down last week without countering or anything. They called with the increase.

VarunaTT · February 2013

You know, 6, I'm trying to look at this from different angles. And quite frankly, this company sounds desperate. That isn't a good sign on their end. You guys already know the problems with this company in and out. Is he going to be in a position to change that? Make it better? Make things better in his position? These are things he might want to try and get as part of the package.

And then still turn them down.

hmonkey · February 2013

where is target in relation to all this?

TheMrsC23 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-going-to-be-sick?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:98677b5d-d45c-4ef6-895b-895337c7f369Post:6839fc95-a2e3-402f-ba53-3aca08fecc1e">Re: I'm going to be sick</a>:
[QUOTE]where is target in relation to all this?
Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]

Yes, this really is the million dollar question.

DG1 · February 2013

I have a lot of thoughts, none of which mean jack against your own brain and gut, but here goes.

First, money. Now, I know I don't really know anything about your finances, and even if I did, what you do with them is your business. But I think you guys save more than anyone on this board. More than we did before we had kids and my work became unstable, back when we both maxed out our 401ks AND IRAs and had a full e-fund and then some. It sounds like you could cut the saving in half and still be just fine.

In a few years, all the kids will be in school and you could pick up something part-time to bring in extra money. (You know, knot some pearls every once in a while and sell them on etsy?)

Second, boredom. Here, I know of which I speak. H left a job in Nov 2011 because it was boring. And it was. It was the same thing he'd been doing for over 10 years, and he could do it in his sleep. His commute was 25 minutes, and it was a pretty big company with awesome benefits. (Sounding familiar?) New job is challenging. Too challenging, really - a learning curve shouldn't take more than a year. And the commute is 45 minutes each way on most days (2 hours last night in the snow). And I am fcking miserable. We went from having dinner together every night at the table to scavenging whatever we could find, sometimes eating in front of the TV. I know it's not like real single parenting, but it feels like he's mostly around for the paycheck and health insurance, plus weekend visits. We definitely saw the kids having to adjust at the time, before we even realized how big the change was. I keep trying to plant seeds for him to get a different job. Something closer, something that doesn't stress him out quite so much, something at a bigger company with better benefits. But, you know, stubborn. YMMV, of course (I'm sure you won't end up eating in front of the TV, for example.), so take my story for what it's worth.

Third, re: boredom - is there anything else he can pick up closer to home to help alleviate that? Hobbies? More fishing with 6let? Joining a gym? Training for a marathon (with a jogging stroller)? Helping out with the robotics team at the high school?

Fourth, new town. It sounds like you wouldn't be moving back to the same place? So things may not be as bad as you think. Being closer to family is huge, esp. with 3 kids now. Certainly, make sure you're mentally comparing now to the future, not now to the past.

Fifth, can he negotiate other stuff into the mill contract to make it more palatable? Strict limits on his hours? Extra vacation? Less on-call time? Even if they only gave him, say, a 40% raise and let him have other things like that, it might be worthwhile.

Sixth, does he get tuition benefits for the kids as a university employee? I know *everyone* who is employed by my alma mater, from professors to project managers to admins, gets free tuition for their kids. I know you have money set aside, but it's still a huge factor to consider, if they could use that money for other stuff (room and board, books) or have as a nest egg for after school.

Seventh, wife card. Don't feel badly about playing it if you have to. I'm sure you've already thought about everything I brought up and then some, and if you don't want it, you don't want it. You don't seem like the type to harbor resentment, but I know I would.

I know none of that adds up to a clear answer, so I guess I'll just end with vibes for making a decision that's right for all of you.

Man. If only I could think so clearly about the crap swirling around in my own life.

6fsn · February 2013

That mill is on it's 3rd name since I started in 1998. It's been through bankruptcy, a near strike, and a USEPA lawsuit. The company and the industry have it's problems. DH would not be on a level to make any difference. I'm not sure he'd ever get to that level.

There is a Target in the town we'd move to.

6fsn · February 2013

I want to thank everyone for their input. It does really help.

DG, thanks for typing all of that out! I hope you get some clarity in your life.

Money- We certainly aren't saving as much, but we are still saving a fair amount. DH just wants more. This is really the biggest win for this job. I have been looking at part time jobs and have put the word out a bit. The woman across the street works 10 hrs/wk from home. It took her a year to find, but that would be awesome.

boredom- it's such a change of pace and he hates it. His boss is retiring next year so he'll get to set a different tone though. He has been researching wine brewing, but I think he thinks there is no money for it.

new town- it would not be the same place, but it would be a 45 min commute. While the town isn't bad, it's not as nice. That commute also means that every last child related item will fall to me. If he left on time he'd be home at 530. In his 10 years there he never left on time.

It would be further from my ILs. As much as MIL annoys me she does watch the kids whenever I need. Since she's retired she has more freedom than anyone.

Negotiations- He'd actually be called in more than he was. There is no negotiating away weekend duty. Also, because he'd be so far away there would be no taking a long lunch to do donuts with dads at preschool.

Tuition is free for him. He was about to register for a class. The kids and I get 50% discount. He's all about the "I don't want to force them to go there." My reply is we have x dollars. Those dollars can leave you without loans from a decent university or you can go to a topnotch school and pay what we can't. The pay raise is the equivalent of 2 years at the current price.

Wife card- I don't want to hold him back. That's my big fear and the only reason I'm open to discussions. He's so smart and has so much to offer. I want him to be everything he can be. MAybe I need to play the mom card, because I want more for our kids. I want them to have a dad that can coach little league.

**O-Face** · February 2013

6-I understand your willingness to go along because you really back your H. I know that feeling all to well.

But you have to take a step back and think about the entire package and also explore the resentment this may all create. I know resentment is voluntary and we take it on ourselves, but sometimes its really really REALLY hard to not let it form.

FLANYTATOOGURL · February 2013

They have coaches for little league. Do you really want to be the reason he regrets not taking a job that could ensure a college tuition and a great retirement plan?

pegasuskat · February 2013

The coaches are usually parents, some parents enjoy those things. I think she already said she doesn't want to hold him back. AND he has a good job and will provide all those things either way.

DG1 · February 2013

2 years at current price is a drop in the bucket to what it will be 14, 16, and 18 years from now. It'll be the kids' choice, of course, and even smart 18yos can't generally be counted on to make good ones, but still. And continuing education for you will be awesome for both of you. (Plus for him - less boredom.)

And really, I know you're much better at all of this mom stuff than I am, but I was just willing to drive 2,800 miles (1,400 with kids) just to get some damn HELP. And I can't exactly complain about H. He goes to work so we can have money and health insurance. Even his "hobby" (firefighting) pays some money and costs $0. And he doesn't come home and play video games for 3 hours like the azzholes they talk about over on the bump. But he just chooses the stupidest-ass crap to do. I finally told him. "I need HELP. Having fresh blackberries in the summer is nice, but the time you spend making that happen doesn't HELP me. Deciding to plaster the ceiling while all of the laundry you said you'd do is stuffed in bags getting wrinkled doesn't HELP me."

If either of us made enough money to pay for help (an idea for you with a 50% raise in the works?), that would be one thing. But a number of factors combined mean we can't do that.

Of course, you can't hire Merry Maids to go to "Dads and Donuts."

More and more, I'm thinking no. And yes, make it the Mom card instead of the Wife card if you want. ("If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" There's a reason it's a saying, kwim?)

And, really, I know *he* wants to be able to go to Dads and Donuts, too. And he'll suddenly have the money for winemaking, but no time for it. This sounds like selling his soul for money, which never ends well, even if the money is for everyone's benefit. Study after study shows that, once your basic needs are met, money doesn't increase happiness.

6fsn · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-going-to-be-sick?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:98677b5d-d45c-4ef6-895b-895337c7f369Post:602f071a-af67-43af-a241-3c7c41f30f6d">Re:I'm going to be sick</a>:
[QUOTE]They have coaches for little league. Do you really want to be the reason he regrets not taking a job that could ensure a college tuition and a great retirement plan?
Posted by FLANYTATOOGURL[/QUOTE]

You fail.

DG1 · February 2013

Seriously, it's like she doesn't even read.

I'll also add that going back to the mill isn't necessarily him achieving more. It'd be the same old stuff he's always done (read: boring, not much personal/career growth). So it's not like this amazing opportunity you'd be holding him back from. It's just money.

Wzz · February 2013

i actually think that it's *only* more money and a few steps back. the mill sounds like it will hold him back from making ANY further career progress, and doesn't offeranything beneficial to retirement or otherwise.

6fsn · February 2013

She must have read just the last sentence.

It would actually be a promotion at the mill. He'd be upper management and be more visible to corporate. The money would mean I could hire help, but then the extra money still isn't going to savings.

I really am trying not to put my clearly biased spin on this. He texted me something like "it's only a 50% raise. No worries" I texted back to stop becuase i was in tears. He wrote back not to worry it's not a "can't pass up" offer.

tawillers · February 2013

I hope the texts help make you feel better.

VarunaTT · February 2013

Good. I think those should make you feel better, it doesn't sound like he's even considering it.

It's always good to have a game plan for winning, but it's better when you don't have to use it.

I'm going to be sick

Re: I'm going to be sick

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