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Wedding Party
How to deal with a crazy bride?
I'm a bridesmaid in a July wedding and the bride is starting to act a bit crazy. I was venting to some friends that don't know her last night about this absurd dress business, and one of them said there were wedding message boards that I could probably get some good advice on. I looked on wedding bee and all the girls there kinda seemed like the bride of my friends variety, but then perusing this site you girls seem far more level-headed. Please tell me what to do about my insane friend!
The Story:
Friend asked all of us to be in her wedding which I was thrilled to do. It started getting weird when she e-mail and asked us for our "budget". I've been in one other wedding and the bride just gave us a color and let us pick out what we wanted. Honestly I thought that having bridesmaids wear matching dresses was just something they did in movies. Who actually makes their friends wear a freaking uniform to a wedding???? Okay so whatever I got over it. I don't like to spend my money on frivious things, but I do understand she wants to have the whole big fancy wedding that's about spending money and having a party rather than her and her fiance, so I told her $80. This is more than I have ever spent on an item of clothing EVER and I felt like it was more than generous.
Fast forward, she e-mails everyone a dress that costs $180 freaking dollars!!! I could see maybe spending that for your WEDDING DRESS, but for a BRIDESMAID DRESS. Holy sheesh. Before I could write back and tell her "no", I got a follow-up individual e-mail from her all sickeningly sweet saying how she would pay for the difference between my budget and the bridesmaid dress because she just looooved that dress and had to have it.
I thought that was completely and totally beside the point. I don't know the other girls in the wedding party, but I can't possibly imagine that that overpriced, bland dress is in anyone's budget. And if for some reason it is, how is it fair to the other bridesmaids that she pay for part of mine and not theirs? I told her this and she just gave me some line about how she really liked it, but didn't want to put a financial strain on anyone so she thought this was a good compromise. It's not a financial strain, I can afford $180. I just don't like to spend my money on stupid stuff.
She said she would see who has ordered it and if no one has she would be willing to change it. Some of them already have, so she wrote and said sorry, but that was how she was doing and that she was sorry about the miscommunication but it was too late now. Ug. I'm just so pissed.
Should I just drop out of the wedding party? I'm just afraid it's only going to get worse from here unless she realizes that nobody actually has these extravagent weddings that cost tens of thousands of dollars in real life. It's called TV sweetheart.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: How to deal with a crazy bride?
If you really don't want to wear it, then call her and say, "Thanks for the offer, but after thinking about it I think it's best if I attend as a guest. Please know that it's absolutely not a reflection on our friendship - I'm just personally uncomfortable with being a bridesmaid in general."
However, I think you are being totally ridiculous and uptight here. This bride sounds perfectly reasonable.
B. It's pretty normal to be asked to purchase a matching bridesmaid dress. I've been a BM in two weddings. Both had a cost of right around $200 before alterations.
C. It was wrong of her to go above your budget and tell you she'd pay for the rest without asking you first. You are 100% right there.
D. Most people spend way more than $180 on their wedding dress.
E. You can drop out if you wish, but she hasn't really done anything that far out of the ordinary and dropping out is very likely to damage your relationship with your friend. What you need to do is sit down with her now and discuss expectations for the rest of the wedding. If she's going to expect you to pay for your hair to be done and for you to buy specific shoes (which would be out of line by the way) you need to know that now.
I should also note that you might also be asked/expected to throw in money by the maid of honor or other BM to help host a shower and bachelorette party. You are under no obligation to help with those costs, but beware now that more strife might well be headed your way in that situation.
F. You seem extremely judgmental about how she and everyone else spends their money. You should probably work on that.
My BM dresses were $180 and all of them were perfectly fine with that. You should be gracious in the fact that she is willing to pay the difference for her dress.
I don't understand what the problem is here? You sound like a very judgy friend, especially when it comes to how someone else chooses to spend their money.
[QUOTE]I'm a bridesmaid in a July wedding and the bride is starting to act a bit crazy. I was venting to some friends that don't know her last night about this absurd dress business, and one of them said there were wedding message boards that I could probably get some good advice on. I looked on wedding bee and all the girls there kinda seemed like the bride of my friends variety, but then perusing this site you girls seem far more level-headed. Please tell me what to do about my insane friend! The Story: Friend asked all of us to be in her wedding which I was thrilled to do. It started getting weird when she e-mail and asked us for our "budget". I've been in one other wedding and the bride just gave us a color and let us pick out what we wanted. Honestly I thought that having bridesmaids wear matching dresses was just something they did in movies. Who actually makes their friends wear a freaking uniform to a wedding???? Okay so whatever I got over it. I don't like to spend my money on frivious things, but I do understand she wants to have the whole big fancy wedding that's about spending money and having a party rather than her and her fiance, so I told her $80. This is more than I have ever spent on an item of clothing EVER and I felt like it was more than generous. Fast forward, she e-mails everyone a dress that costs $180 freaking dollars!!! I could see maybe spending that for your WEDDING DRESS, but for a BRIDESMAID DRESS. Holy sheesh. Before I could write back and tell her "no", I got a follow-up individual e-mail from her all sickeningly sweet saying how she would pay for the difference between my budget and the bridesmaid dress because she just looooved that dress and had to have it. I thought that was completely and totally beside the point. I don't know the other girls in the wedding party, but I can't possibly imagine that that overpriced, bland dress is in anyone's budget. And if for some reason it is, how is it fair to the other bridesmaids that she pay for part of mine and not theirs? I told her this and she just gave me some line about how she really liked it, but didn't want to put a financial strain on anyone so she thought this was a good compromise. It's not a financial strain, I can afford $180. I just don't like to spend my money on stupid stuff. She said she would see who has ordered it and if no one has she would be willing to change it. Some of them already have, so she wrote and said sorry, but that was how she was doing and that she was sorry about the miscommunication but it was too late now. Ug. I'm just so pissed. Should I just drop out of the wedding party? I'm just afraid it's only going to get worse from here unless she realizes that nobody actually has these extravagent weddings that cost tens of thousands of dollars in real life. It's called TV sweetheart.
Posted by Bridesmaid83[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Actually, she is doing exactly what everyone here would tell her to do. 1) Start by asking everyone for a budget. 2) If the dress you want is outside of anyone's budget, you either find another dress or pay the difference. </div><div>
</div><div>Although the trends are shifting to different dresses, it is still common for BMs to wear matching or coordinated dresses. It isn't unreasonable for her to want you in the same dress, so long as it fits your budget and is reasonably flattering. It may not be your personal style, but if the dress fits the budget and any other concerns you mentioned, she's in the clear. </div><div>
</div><div>Honestly, I don't see what you are upset about, but if this just isn't your thing, it probably would be best for you to drop out, and use PP's line about it's not her, it's the BM thing in general.
</div><div>
</div><div>Also, it is none of your business how much she spends on the wedding and if she is helping you or anyone else with the dress. Plenty of people spend less than $3,000 on their wedding, and plenty spend more than $30,000. As long as she is treating everyone right, that is none of your business. </div>
In the end, if the bride decided that's what she's going to do, then you have two choices. Suck it up or drop out. Dropping out seems silly to me because you aren't being asked to give any more than you've already offered, but it's really up to you. You can take it as a slight that she didn't respect your boundaries, but it shouldn't be a friend-ending move.
[QUOTE]<strong>Am I the only one that's heard this story before?</strong> This is either the bride trying to get another point of view after everyone told her she screwed up for not picking out a new dress and disrespecting her friend's price limit, or this is a BM in the same wedding. In the end, if the bride decided that's what she's going to do, then you have two choices. Suck it up or drop out. Dropping out seems silly to me because you aren't being asked to give any more than you've already offered, but it's really up to you. You can take it as a slight that she didn't respect your boundaries, but it shouldn't be a friend-ending move.
Posted by msuprincess04[/QUOTE]
I'm glad I'm not the only one that thought this. Wasn't this just on the board yesterday or something?
OP, you are right in that she shouldn't have gone over your budget without discussing it with you first that she would cover the difference to avoid any awkwardness, however everything else she did was right. It is still pretty common for bridesmaids to all be in the same dress. She asked you for your budget, and she followed the rule that if she wanted something different she needed to cover the gap herself. You told her you were willing to spend $80 on a dress, so I don't see how your situation is actually a problem seeing as how she is sticking to that. The only way the other bridesmaids would find out about the situation is if either you or her mention it to them. If you don't talk about it, it won't be an issue.
My Etsy Shop: The Crafty Walrus
[QUOTE]Am I the only one that's heard this story before? This is either the bride trying to get another point of view after everyone told her she screwed up for not picking out a new dress and disrespecting her friend's price limit, or this is a BM in the same wedding. In the end, if the bride decided that's what she's going to do, then you have two choices. Suck it up or drop out. Dropping out seems silly to me because you aren't being asked to give any more than you've already offered, but it's really up to you. You can take it as a slight that she didn't respect your boundaries, but it shouldn't be a friend-ending move.
Posted by msuprincess04[/QUOTE]
I was just looking up the thread from yesterday on E b/c it seems so familar (like down to the budget). Here it is:
<a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-its-not-my-day-but">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-its-not-my-day-but</a>
Not sure if the same person or what, but they are way similar.
[QUOTE]One of them is in KC, the other in St. L. Could really be the same wedding.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]
Its just WAY to close on details to not be...
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to deal with a crazy bride? : I was just looking up the thread from yesterday on E b/c it seems so familar (like down to the budget). Here it is: <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-its-not-my-day-but">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-its-not-my-day-but</a> Not sure if the same person or what, but they are way similar.
Posted by amymaysa[/QUOTE]
Thank you for finding that. I was thinking the same exact thing!
And I'd venture to guess that the 'average' bridal gown costs about $1000 - yeah, David's Bridal has an occasional $99 sale, but most of their dresses are more, and that doesn't take into account the thousands of designer dresses out there that are several thousand dollars (have you ever watched Say Yes To The Dress?).
The real world is a little more like TV when it comes to weddings than you apparently realize.
[QUOTE]I'm a bridesmaid in a July wedding and the bride is starting to act a bit crazy. I was venting to some friends that don't know her last night about this absurd dress business, and one of them said there were wedding message boards that I could probably get some good advice on. I looked on wedding bee and all the girls there kinda seemed like the bride of my friends variety, but then perusing this site you girls seem far more level-headed. Please tell me what to do about my insane friend! The Story: Friend asked all of us to be in her wedding which I was thrilled to do. It started getting weird when she e-mail and asked us for our "budget". I've been in one other wedding and the bride just gave us a color and let us pick out what we wanted. Honestly I thought that having bridesmaids wear matching dresses was just something they did in movies. Who actually makes their friends wear a freaking uniform to a wedding???? Okay so whatever I got over it. I don't like to spend my money on frivious things, but I do understand she wants to have the whole big fancy wedding that's about spending money and having a party rather than her and her fiance, so I told her $80. This is more than I have ever spent on an item of clothing EVER and I felt like it was more than generous. Fast forward, she e-mails everyone a dress that costs $180 freaking dollars!!! I could see maybe spending that for your WEDDING DRESS, but for a BRIDESMAID DRESS. Holy sheesh. Before I could write back and tell her "no", I got a follow-up individual e-mail from her all sickeningly sweet saying how she would pay for the difference between my budget and the bridesmaid dress because she just looooved that dress and had to have it. I thought that was completely and totally beside the point. I don't know the other girls in the wedding party, but I can't possibly imagine that that overpriced, bland dress is in anyone's budget. And if for some reason it is, how is it fair to the other bridesmaids that she pay for part of mine and not theirs? I told her this and she just gave me some line about how she really liked it, but didn't want to put a financial strain on anyone so she thought this was a good compromise. It's not a financial strain, I can afford $180. I just don't like to spend my money on stupid stuff. She said she would see who has ordered it and if no one has she would be willing to change it. Some of them already have, so she wrote and said sorry, but that was how she was doing and that she was sorry about the miscommunication but it was too late now. Ug. I'm just so pissed. Should I just drop out of the wedding party? <strong>I'm just afraid it's only going to get worse from here unless she realizes that nobody actually has these extravagent weddings that cost tens of thousands of dollars in real life. It's called TV sweetheart. </strong>
Posted by Bridesmaid83[/QUOTE]
You have no right to judge how people spend their money. Some people do have huge, elaborate, crazy weddings. Others have small, intimate backyard gatherings. Some areas, it's easy to get a fantastic location for not much money. Others (like mine) EVERYTHING is expensive. But, besides all that, it's not your place to judge, even if she decided to rent out the freaking taj mahal.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to deal with a crazy bride? : I was just looking up the thread from yesterday on E b/c it seems so familar (like down to the budget). Here it is: <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-its-not-my-day-but">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-its-not-my-day-but</a> Not sure if the same person or what, but they are way similar.
Posted by amymaysa[/QUOTE]
<div>WTF???????? Seriously????? Thank you for finding this. That settles it. If she's gossiping about how difficult I am to strangers online I think I know what I need to do. </div>
[QUOTE]Am I the only one that's heard this story before? This is either the bride trying to get another point of view after everyone told her she screwed up for not picking out a new dress and disrespecting her friend's price limit, or this is a BM in the same wedding. In the end, if the bride decided that's what she's going to do, then you have two choices. Suck it up or drop out. Dropping out seems silly to me because you aren't being asked to give any more than you've already offered, but it's really up to you. You can take it as a slight that she didn't respect your boundaries, but it shouldn't be a friend-ending move.
Posted by msuprincess04[/QUOTE]
Funny, I was thinking the same thing. The prices seemed eerily familar.
OP, I know you think it is silly to spend your money on a dress, but your friend - the bride - obviously has a different opinion. People can be frustrating. Is this really an issue that you want to hurt your friendship over? While it would be nice if your friend picked a different dress that was within your budget, she obviously isn't going to do that. But she very obviously still wants you there if she is willing to pay the price difference because you are important enough to have her there. Perhaps I am the only one that thinks that way, but that is my opinion.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to deal with a crazy bride? : I was just looking up the thread from yesterday on E b/c it seems so familar (like down to the budget). Here it is: <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-its-not-my-day-but">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-its-not-my-day-but</a> Not sure if the same person or what, but they are way similar.
Posted by amymaysa[/QUOTE]
<div>Reading this does make me feel like I am justified in my anger. Even though you guys told me I was wrong, you told her that too, and I'm taking it to mean I was righ to stand my ground about her not sticking to budget. </div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to deal with a crazy bride? : WTF???????? Seriously????? Thank you for finding this. That settles it. If she's gossiping about how difficult I am to strangers online I think I know what I need to do.
Posted by Bridesmaid83[/QUOTE]
Oh dear, I think it was the same wedding.
You do understand that you're, in fact, gossiping to strangers online about her right?
You win the most self righteous poster of the day award. Congrats on that.
You're (a) judging her for how much money she's spending when it's none of your business; (b) refusing her perfectly reasonable offer to cover the difference between your stated budget and the dress on "principle" because you've apparently decided that her wedding is the appropriate time to take a stand on what you seem to view as her (and other people's) "extravagant" spending habits.
She's (a) disrespectful of your stated boundaries where budget/accepting money are concerned; and (b) so caught up in having her BMs in the "perfect" dress that she's not open to any other solution than "everyone wears the dress I picked no matter what," even when she's been repeatedly warned this could cost her a friend.
Oh, and you're BOTH gossiping about EACH OTHER to strangers on internet message boards, and you're actually ridiculous enough to be insulted because she's doing exactly the same thing that you're doing.
See? Trainwreck.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to deal with a crazy bride? : WTF???????? Seriously????? Thank you for finding this. That settles it. If she's gossiping about how difficult I am to strangers online I think I know what I need to do.
Posted by Bridesmaid83[/QUOTE]
How is this any different from what you are doing? I am the only one who thought this?
I think that $80 is on the low end for a bridesmaid dress, and I think she was right to ask for your budget. I don't see why it is such a big deal for her to pay the difference if she really wanted a certain dress. At least she is not trying to force you to pay more than you offered to spend. I think you have a really unrealistic idea of how much people in real life spend on weddings. Yes, you can have a very nice wedding on a budget, but many people spend over 10k on their weddings.
ETA: I am glad to see I am not the only one who commented on the fact that they are BOTH compalining to strangers. Also I didn't read the whole other thread yet so I can't comment on how riddiculous or not riddiculous the bride was, only commenting from this post.
[QUOTE]So, assuming the bride from yesterday is, in fact, the bride in the wedding you're posting about today, this situation has trainwreck written all over it. You're (a) judging her for how much money she's spending when it's none of your business; (b) refusing her perfectly reasonable offer to cover the difference between your stated budget and the dress on "principle" because you've apparently decided that her wedding is the appropriate time to take a stand on what you seem to view as her (and other people's) "extravagant" spending habits. She's (a) disrespectful of your stated boundaries where budget/accepting money are concerned; and (b) so caught up in having her BMs in the "perfect" dress that she's not open to any other solution than "everyone wears the dress I picked no matter what," even when she's been repeatedly warned this could cost her a friend. Oh, and you're BOTH gossiping about EACH OTHER to strangers on internet message boards, and you're actually ridiculous enough to be insulted because she's doing exactly the same thing that you're doing. See? Trainwreck.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]
Yup
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to deal with a crazy bride? : Reading this does make me feel like I am justified in my anger. <strong>Even though you guys told me I was wrong, you told her that too, and I'm taking it to mean I was righ</strong> to stand my ground about her not sticking to budget.
Posted by Bridesmaid83[/QUOTE]
This seems like strange logic to me.
I think that you should just graciously accept her offer. I don't know if you read the other thread in its entirety but issues other than your budget come to light near the end. Unless of course you no longer want to be friends with her; which is what will most likely happen if you send that email with just the link in it.
[QUOTE]This is all too ridiculous. I'm signing off, sleeping on it, and calling her in the morning. <strong> I cause nothing but drama.
</strong>Posted by Bridesmaid83[/QUOTE]
FTFY!
The reason we're all telling you you're wrong is the self-riteous "she's crazy" bit you threw out here. Can you find BM dresses for $80? yes. Is it easy? not really, especially not if she's got a lot of different sizes to think about (a lot of the cheap ones people post here aren't available in plus sizes). and all the judging about how much she's spending on her wedding is out of line.
And like PP said - you're gossiping about her on the internet too... She was just looking for unbiased advice, just like you
This really is a trainwreck.
OP, you are wrong. I asked my brides for their budget out of COURTESY. And actually the dress I picked was $220 for a wedding that was 12K. They said yes, if they said no I would have picked another one. If I picked a dress that I REALLY wanted and you said it was over budget then I would have offered to pay the difference. How is that rude? Maybe you don't see why to spend that kind of money on a dress but I don't see why it's a big deal. I don't understand why people spend over $100 on jeans but they do. Some people don't see why one would buy a pair of jeans under $20 but they do...difference of opinions. Get over it.
As far as the other post...the bride made it sound like she was unwilling to cooperate. If she can pick another dress if EVERYBODY can't afford it then she should pick another dress. If its one person but everybody else can afford it then paying the difference is not a big deal. It's just pointless and rude of a bride to ask for budgets but not go by it UNLESS she offers to pay the difference.
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