Enlistment...

Re: Enlistment...

• shan87

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  I really don't know how to answer this as the decision has been made...
  
  IMO I think it's a little too late to be thinking about this now... We don't know you or you're FI. You are both 2 consenting adults and if the wedding you want its the wedding you want. Perhaps having a deeper decision with FI is what is in order here. Make sure he is okay with it and that neither of you will have regrets later on.
  
  HTH

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• leannalyn

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  To answer what I think your question is...I think you've made a decent compromise as far as the wedding goes. Your wedding should be a combination of what you both want, you should both be happy with the outcome. I didn't really want a wedding, but my fiance did. So, we're having a small outdoor wedding. I wasn't excited about all the planning, but it really hasn't been that bad, and I think it will be a really nice time for both of us and our families/friends. I'm really looking forward to it now. It seems like you guys are doing a similar thing. Plus, with your wedding coming up in just a month, I doubt you'd have time to plan anything bigger.
  
  I will bring up one thing, and I don't mean to be rude or mean, but I just wanted to point out that trying to start your marriage right before starting your career in the military is a really big undertaking. Once you leave for training, you will have zero time to focus on your new marriage, and that can be really hard for both you and your fiance, I'm sure he knows this from his previous marriage. My fiance will have been in for 7 years when we get married and I'll have been in for two, and it's still a whirlwind for us. I'd suggest perhaps waiting until after things stablize (relatively, at least) with your Air Force career before you decide to get married. I think others on this board will have input on that as well. Ultimately it is your life and your relationship, but I do think this is something you should think about.

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• MyChaoticPeace

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  Thank you. Thats exactly what I was trying to ask, I think I put it in a convoluted way...
  
  I thought about that but we're coming up on our fourth year ann. and we've been living together for almost three now. I know our relationship is great and we already combined our bills about two years ago. I think for the most part the relationship shouldn't change substantially. Am I wrong? I've never been married before. I just turned 22 years old so I'm far from all knowing...

  

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• leannalyn

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  I have never been married either and I am definitely not all knowing...but I do know that people change as the get older, and I know that being in the military changes people and relationships--this is not necessarily a bad thing. Your priorities will change, and like it or not, when you take an oath to serve your country, the military has to come first. Hopefully that is something you and your fiance have talked about and he is comfortable with your decision. I went through officer training with the Army, so I'm not directly familiar with the Air Force or enlisted side of things, but I do know that both basic and advanced will be very intense, and will have to be your focus for that whole time. After training there is always the possibility of deployment. Your fiance probably has some insight into this from his previous marriage to a service member. At this point, hopefully these are things the two of you have discussed, but I just wanted to throw it out there since you said you had moved up your wedding date to fit it in before you left for training.
  
  Congratulations on your enlistment and your wedding, this is a very exciting time for you!

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• ScissortailFlycatcher

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  Is it possible for you to wait until after BMT and Tech School to get married, that way neither of you feel rushed and you'll have more time to compromise on the wedding you both want.
  
  My H went through AF BMT in April and just finished Tech School 3 weeks ago. We've been apart that whole time. It can be rough on any relationship. And that will be nothing compared to a deployment.
  
  And about the ceremony/reception: you can't plan one to try and make up for his last, he made a poor decision with the last one. Hopefully, you both have chosen eachother for the love, friendship and respect you have for eachother. It's not your responsibility to trump his last failed marriage.

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• MyChaoticPeace

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  Thank you Leannalyn. I most assuredly take my oath very seriously and we did talk about that in depth. This is something I've been wanting to do since Freshman Year of high school while I worked my way through the ROTC program. however, to be honest, I suppose on a relationship level I hadn't thought about it in that light but hearing it spelled out a little differently makes some of the things he has said make more sense. I love him very much and I can't see us falling out of love (but I'm sure everyone felt that way at some point before filing for a divorce). I'll makre sure to keep my priorities in line but also make sure he knows exactly what I'm feeling as things progress and put in some extra effort to understand his feelings.
  
  It's a very important and exciting time for both of us . I'm just glad that even though his past experience didn't go so well he's being so incredibly patient and supportive of me now.

  

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• MyChaoticPeace

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  HattieShay, we talked about that but I'm attempting to get in for linguistics which would put me in tech school on the other side of the country for 2 years right after basic. I wanted to make sure the wedding would be where my family and his are and that he's taken care of and can get to me after basic. If we hadn't, before I made the final choice to enlist, been already planning the wedding for June I would not have rushed anything.
  
  I know it's going to be incredibly hard for me but I still feel like it's something important that I really want to do.
  
  Thats true but I feel bad that it went so bad for him and I know it bothers him too.

  

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• Luke&Sam625

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  I think that you don't yet realize how much this will change you. I would strongly suggest waiting, but I know with 3 weeks thats a little hard. All I can say, it that while maybe you didn't think things entirely through when you elisted. I understand wanting to make sure that he could be with you after BMT, but you don't even have a specific job yet. Now you're planning to take your FI possibly across the country, away from his Job (?), family, friends. I hate to say this, but he could end up feeling like less of a man. I know alot of men who's SO's are women in the military and it takes a very strong secure man to deal with that. Can he get a job where your tech school is going to be? the economy is terrible, I know people with Masters degrees that can't get jobs in thier fields. I'm seriously not trying to be a negative nacy, but while I think you did a great job compromising on the WEDDING, maybe you're not compromising at all on your MARRIAGE. I think alot of people forget that it's the marriage that takes precedence over the wedding. You're planning for the wedding, but then planning to leave the marriage to go persue your dream since your freshman year of high school. And if this was such a dream, why did you wait until you were 22? Like I said, good job on compromising the wedding, but I think your thoughts for the marriage leave a little to be desired. Sorry if this was harsh, but think of it as tough love, and not me being bit*hy.

  

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• MyChaoticPeace

  

  January 2011 edited December 2011

  Luke&Sam625 -
  
  I get what you're saying completely. When I first posted this and got a few replies I did have a sit down with him to really talk this one out. He was very clear that he wants me to do this and that he's fine with going with me. We had a basic idea and ran with it but didn't really delve into everything as a couple, which we should have to begin with. I'm happy with the results
  
  He is 25 and has left home (home as in the area his family is) before. He lived down south (his family in the New Englad area) so he isn't attached to his family's hip. If I thought it would be too much for him to handle being away from home, things would have been very differently played out.
  
  Our relationship was one of the key reasons for me waiting a while. I was young when I fell into a bad controlling relationship that put military plans on hold and I had to evolve as a individiual before I could be ready for it and ultimatly it was thanks to that that he and I met. I put off a little longer for us to have a good foundation and then everything kind of took flight.
  
  My major concern was that this piece (which is supposed to be one of the most important memories of our lives as a couple) of our story was less what he wanted and more what I wanted. The relationship as a whole is rather healthy and we're both ready to support each other.
  
  I didn't find your post b*tchy, I think you had a very sound opinion and said it like it was. I found nothing to be insulting so don't worry about that. And yes, I will take from your post and speak to him more on the subject, your point of view has very valid reasoning and one can't be 100% sure unless they've exhausted all options presented to them.

  

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