Two invite etiquette questions

Lv2goshop · January 2013

Hello there, I apologize if this has already been discussed, bear with me as I am new to this portion of the site. I do have two etiquette questions that are troubling:
1) On the inviting coworkers front: I work with 96 people, on a daily basis, in very close quarters. I know most of them very well, some better than I know my own family.

To avoid hurt feelings, I had thought I might put a 'sign-up sheet' on the break room wall stating how many people they would bring etc... one guy already did this for his wedding and it seemed to go well. Another girl did not do this for hers and it caused a lot of undue drama about who wasn't invited. Even though it seems crass, I do not want to make my workplace more stressful than it already is. Sign-up sheet, or no?
2) I am very close with two of my ex's sisters and their husbands, one more so than the other. I was planning on inviting both sisters and husbands, but my fiancee says no, he doesn't want them there at all because he wants to make sure this is my day, not theirs. (They tend to be drama queens.) The sisters are starting to ask questions about my impending wedding and I'm lying about it, so far; again, to avoid hurt feelings. His heart's in the right place, but is it too harsh? How do I handle this?
Thanks so much for any help, it'd be greatly appreciated!

sorry i deleted it. sorry if i was rude.

amymaysa · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_two-invite-etiquette-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e04844ae-6447-4098-8c3a-0d399b56342cPost:13e57bc1-9730-47d9-923a-0993b7113ac9">Two invite etiquette questions</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello there, I apologize if this has already been discussed, bear with me as I am new to this portion of the site. I do have two etiquette questions that are troubling: 1) On the inviting coworkers front: I work with 96 people, on a daily basis, in very close quarters. I know most of them very well, some better than I know my own family. :/ To avoid hurt feelings,<strong> I had thought I might put a 'sign-up sheet' on the break room wall stating how many people they would bring etc.</strong>.. one guy already did this for his wedding and it seemed to go well. Another girl did not do this for hers and it caused a lot of undue drama about who wasn't invited. Even though it seems crass, I do not want to make my workplace more stressful than it already is. Sign-up sheet, or no? 2) I am very close with two of my ex's sisters and their husbands, one more so than the other. I was planning on inviting both sisters and husbands, but my fiancee says no, he doesn't want them there at all because he wants to make sure this is my day, not theirs. (They tend to be drama queens.) The sisters are starting to ask questions about my impending wedding and I'm lying about it, so far; again, to avoid hurt feelings. His heart's in the right place, but is it too harsh? How do I handle this? Thanks so much for any help, it'd be greatly appreciated!
Posted by Lv2goshop[/QUOTE]

Are you talking about your wedding? You do not have a sign up sheet for a wedding, I don't care if someone else has done it, it's rude.
You are the host of the reception, you and your FI (or parents, if they offer to contribute) provide everything as a thank you to your guests.

Lv2goshop · January 2013

Yes, to the wedding and reception, to see how many people would want to come. I do not want to invite all 96 coworkers by any means, but it would make my life miserable if I do not. I actually cannot afford to have them all come. So what do I do? Invite all of them? I also have about another 75 ancillary staff I see on a daily basis. Invite all 171 and have a complete budgetary meltdown?

freebread03 · January 2013

1. Having a sign up sheet for your wedding is a horrible idea, please don't do this. You either invite all of your coworkers and their significant others via an invitation mailed to your house, or you don't invite them at all. It sounds like if you invited one you need to invite all, so do keep in mind how this will impact your numbers once you add in all their significant others.

2. Lying about your wedding is a really bad idea--you need to tell them the truth. Either invite them or don't, but its your choice to make. Its a wedding--the day will be about you anyways.

amymaysa · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_two-invite-etiquette-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e04844ae-6447-4098-8c3a-0d399b56342cPost:55eff48b-b34d-492c-8444-b0624e8ad782">Re: Two invite etiquette questions</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, to the wedding and reception, to see how many people would want to come. I do not want to invite all 96 coworkers by any means, but it would make my life miserable if I do not. I actually cannot afford to have them all come. So what do I do? Invite all of them? I also have about another 75 ancillary staff I see on a daily basis. Invite all 171 and have a complete budgetary meltdown?
Posted by Lv2goshop[/QUOTE]

You should not do a sign up sheet. You need to decide if you can narrow down the list or just skip work people, in my opinion, if you have that many you feel you MUST invite.

A wedding is not a 'sign up' event

Dreamergirl8812 · January 2013

I'm confused about why a sign up sheet would prevent all 96 people from coming with their significant others. Are you going to see who signs up and then send out invites to some? I'm assuming you would basically like an RSVP before you send out invites but that won't solve your problem of who to invite because you will basically be inviting anyone who sees the sign up sheet.

Jen4948 · January 2013

If you want to invite someone, whether they are a coworker or you know them in another capacity, you need to send them an invitation, and if they have an SO, you need to include the SO. Weddings are not icebreakers or work-related team building events. Sign-up sheets are very inappropriate for weddings.

As for your FSILs, while I agree that you and your FI should work out an appropriate arrangement and set boundaries with them, I think they're going to be even bigger drama queens (maybe with justification) if they aren't invited at all.

libby2483 · January 2013

Please do not do a sign-up sheet. There are several reasons this is an absolutely terrible idea:

1) Sign-up sheets are too informal and not appropriate for weddings. Anyone invited to your wedding needs to receive a proper invitation.

2) You say that you can't afford for all of them to come. What if everyone or almost everyone signs up?

3) Using a sign-up sheet where you give the option for people to list who they are bringing opens up the door for a lot of unwanted guests. What if a co-worker wants to bring his wife and his five kids...and his teenage daughter's boyfriend...and a sitter to help with the younger kids...you get the idea.

Do you hang out with any of these people outside of work on a regular basis for non-work related events? If so, invite only these people, provided you can afford it. Or, if this will cause drama, simply don't invite anyone from work. Remember, anytime you invite someone from work who is in a relationship, you also have to invite his or her significant other. This means that there could be nearly 200 people invited to your wedding of just co-workers and their SOs.

NYCMercedes · January 2013

I'm imagining the former SIL's reaction when they find out 96 work people were invited and they weren't. Aren't they your friends?

libby2483 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_two-invite-etiquette-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e04844ae-6447-4098-8c3a-0d399b56342cPost:13e57bc1-9730-47d9-923a-0993b7113ac9">Two invite etiquette questions</a>:
[QUOTE]I am sorry that I asked now, I won't ask any more questions. Thank you all for your input.
Posted by Lv2goshop[/QUOTE]

<div>Why?? People gave you honest and direct feedback in order to help you follow etiquette and not break the budget. Deleting your post is rude to those who took the time to respond to you.</div>

AddieCake · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_two-invite-etiquette-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e04844ae-6447-4098-8c3a-0d399b56342cPost:13e57bc1-9730-47d9-923a-0993b7113ac9">Two invite etiquette questions</a>:
[QUOTE]I am sorry that I asked now, I won't ask any more questions. Thank you all for your input.
Posted by Lv2goshop[/QUOTE]

Why? Nobody was mean to you; they are all just answering your questions. Come back, OP.

gailpete · January 2013

I'm not sure how putting a sign up sheet in the break room would be different than actually mailing an invitation to your co-workers (other than cost) that invites them and their SO. I'd mail the invites, that way the 75 ancillary people you work with won't be signing up, when you'd rather not include them.

Lv2goshop · January 2013

They would all recieve an invitation mailed to their house, of course, that is not what I meant. And yes, potentially, that could mean an extra 342 people, not including children. But I do not want to invite some and not others. 4 of my coworkers alone are in my wedding. There is no avoiding talking about it--everyone constantly asks me about it, even though I don't want to talk about it, because my FI works in the same department.
I realize it isn't a team-building event. But this has long ago not been about me or what I want. I didn't want any of this big wedding stuff, and now here we are, and me footing the bill. I'm just not sure where to put my foot down, is all. I didn't mean to incense all of you.

AddieCake · January 2013

I don't think anyone is incensed; everyone is just trying to help by answering your questions. My advice is not to invite any of the coworkers except the ones in your wedding party. It sounds like the guest list is out of control and a potential disaster otherwise.

allychase · January 2013

Sign up sheet for a wedding.. That's a new one. Seriously what would you do if they all sign up? You're an adult, they're adults, if they're not all invited they'll get over it. Pick the people you're closest with, as you would do the rest of your guest list. Whenever they bring it up change the subject. No quotes on my phone but say the following, Oh we haven't finalized the guest list yet. So how about NHL coming back? Or, we haven't gotten that far in planning. Or, oh I just want a break from all the wedding talk, let's discuss... Whatever you talk about. There's ways of not discussing the wedding. It takes two people to have a conversation, so yes you have a choice regarding that matter. Hell, say you have work to do.. It is your workplace. If you choose not to take our advice, please set up a live feed next to your sign up sheet and post it here.

jenajjthr · January 2013

OP, this will sound harsh, probably is, but I think you need to hear it. If you HAVE to invite all the people at work because somebody will get their feelings hurt, be a butt about it, and you don't know how to say no. Then you are not ready to get married because you are not old enough to tell people no. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE is obligated to get an invitation just because they pressure you. If you can't afford to host 200+ coworkers and family then DON'T DO IT! Invite the ones you really really want there, and the others can get over it.

Simply Fated · January 2013

Invite those 4 workers and their SOs and that's it. If all of those 90 people get pissed because they weren't all invited, then I question their sanity. Or invite all of them and their SOs. Either way, don't put up a signup sheet. It's a wedding not auditions for a theater production or tryouts for a softball team.

Lv2goshop · January 2013

Too late to not get married now, otherwise that would be a fabulous solution

And yes, I have a very hard time telling people no. To me it ins't just 'no'. It's "no, I don't want you to be a part of this huge special thing for me, even though I will have to look you in the eye during an emergency the very next day"

ohmrs2014 · January 2013

I def wouldn't do a sign-up sheet. I agree with PP, just invite your coworkers and their SO that are in the bridal party and thats it. If anyone starts asking if they are invited, just say that you are having a small wedding.

loca4pook · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_two-invite-etiquette-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e04844ae-6447-4098-8c3a-0d399b56342cPost:13e57bc1-9730-47d9-923a-0993b7113ac9">Two invite etiquette questions</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello there, I apologize if this has already been discussed, bear with me as I am new to this portion of the site. I do have two etiquette questions that are troubling: 1) On the inviting coworkers front: I work with 96 people, on a daily basis, in very close quarters. I know most of them very well, some better than I know my own family. :/ To avoid hurt feelings, I had thought I might put a 'sign-up sheet' on the break room wall stating how many people they would bring etc... one guy already did this for his wedding and it seemed to go well. Another girl did not do this for hers and it caused a lot of undue drama about who wasn't invited. Even though it seems crass, I do not want to make my workplace more stressful than it already is. Sign-up sheet, or no? 2) I am very close with two of my ex's sisters and their husbands, one more so than the other. I was planning on inviting both sisters and husbands, but my fiancee says no, he doesn't want them there at all because he wants to make sure this is my day, not theirs. (They tend to be drama queens.) The sisters are starting to ask questions about my impending wedding and I'm lying about it, so far; again, to avoid hurt feelings. His heart's in the right place, but is it too harsh? How do I handle this? Thanks so much for any help, it'd be greatly appreciated! sorry i deleted it. sorry if i was rude.
Posted by Lv2goshop[/QUOTE]

I am sorry but a sign up for a wedding is tacky..It just is.

loca4pook · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_two-invite-etiquette-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e04844ae-6447-4098-8c3a-0d399b56342cPost:259e415a-fea6-4143-a358-181b94243490">Re:Two invite etiquette questions</a>:
[QUOTE]Invite those 4 workers and their SOs and that's it. If all of those 90 people get pissed because they weren't all invited, then I question their sanity. Or invite all of them and their SOs. Either way, don't put up a signup sheet. It's a wedding not auditions for a theater production or tryouts for a softball team.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

EXACTLY,.....

btw, many co-workers are happy to NOT be invited to these type of things. I work in a small environment and have been invited to some and not to others. Was i offended? nope..not at all..in fact, I was relieved no occasion because it saved me a couple hundred dollars of a gift to someon whom I am NOT friends with...

Unless you hang out with them on the outside, they probably care less than you think about being invited

Simply Fated · January 2013

In Response to Re:Two invite etiquette questions:[QUOTE]Too late to not get married now, otherwise that would be a fabulous solution : And yes, I have a very hard time telling people no. To me it ins't just 'no'. It's quot;no, I don't want you to be a part of this huge special thing for me, even though I will have to look you in the eye during an emergency the very next dayquot; Posted by Lv2goshop[/QUOTE]
Hopefully during an emergency they'll be focused on the emergency and not your wedding.
Otherwise I am seriously concerned about the professionalism of all involved.

Sassenach1743 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_two-invite-etiquette-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e04844ae-6447-4098-8c3a-0d399b56342cPost:55fbc534-90a6-478a-8244-6214ea48362c">Re: Two invite etiquette questions</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Too late to not get married now, otherwise that would be a fabulous solution :)</strong> And yes, I have a very hard time telling people no. To me it ins't just 'no'. It's "no, I don't want you to be a part of this huge special thing for me, even though I will have to look you in the eye during an emergency the very next day"
Posted by Lv2goshop[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm a bit confused by your statement there... </div><div>
</div><div>I also don't understand why you think you HAVE to invite everyone you've ever met to your wedding. Especially when you make it sound like you don't even want to have a wedding and/or get married at all. </div><div>
</div><div>This "special" day in your life is meant for you to share with your family and closest friends. Just because you work with a lot of people on a daily basis doesn't mean that you are obligated to invite them to your wedding. Get rid of that idea right now and maybe your stress will subside. </div><div>
</div><div>If 4 of your co-workers are in your bridal party then that obviously means that THEY are close enough to have at the wedding. So ONLY invite them and their significant others. If anyone at work (aside from those 4 people) ask you about your wedding plans, just say you're excited and leave it at that. <strong><u>When you stop giving out information people will get the hint and stop asking.</u></strong></div><div>
</div><div>As for your EX's sisters.... I would listen to and respect your FI's wishes by NOT inviting them.</div><div>
</div><div>Keep it simple. And don't get all butt-hurt just because we actually answered your questions with responses that didn't support the idea of a sign-up sheet. We're just trying to help you and steer you away from advertising MORE unwanted attention for your wedding. </div>

pearlaqua · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_two-invite-etiquette-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e04844ae-6447-4098-8c3a-0d399b56342cPost:55fbc534-90a6-478a-8244-6214ea48362c">Re: Two invite etiquette questions</a>:
[QUOTE]Too late to not get married now, otherwise that would be a fabulous solution :) And yes, I have a very hard time telling people no. <strong>To me it ins't just 'no'. It's "no, I don't want you to be a part of this huge special thing for me, even though I will have to look you in the eye during an emergency the very next day"</strong>
Posted by Lv2goshop[/QUOTE]

This should make you feel better: No one cares that much. If they are adults, they will understand that you had to draw a line (4 WP co-workers + SOs) or else invite ~200 additional people. Unless you're all secret millionaires, they will understand. Have an awesome BBQ/party after the wedding, don't call it a reception, and catch up then. Or at work. No one who is mature and worthy of your worry will hold it against you to not have excessive funds for 100s of people. No matter how tight-knit your job may be. You'll be OK!!

Summer2011Bride · January 2013

I work with 60+ people on a daily basis and invited 5 (plus SOs) to my wedding. It was fine. Honestly. Invite only the people at work you are closest to (sounds like you have four) with SOs and no one else. No one would expect you to invite almost 100 co-workers. If anyone brings it up or asks if they are invited (which would be rude), you say, "Due to budget constraints we are not able to invite everyone we would like to." Then change the subject. Sign-up sheets are rude, but more importantly, it would in no way solve your issue of not wanting to invite everybody; it would actually make it worse.

Lv2goshop · January 2013

Keep it simple. And don't get all butt-hurt just because we actually answered your questions with responses that didn't support the idea of a sign-up sheet. We're just trying to help you and steer you away from advertising MORE unwanted attention for your wedding.

I am not "butt-hurt", as you put it, I myself said the idea was crass to begin with. Now I realize the whole dang world thinks so too. As aforementioned, it had already been done in a previous situation at work, and I wanted to see everyone's opinion. All I wanted was some input, and I got it.
Also, I did say I don't want a wedding. I don't (want a big ceremony/reception, etc). But I do want to get married. As also aformentioned, this has long ago not been about what I wanted. (It's a very long story about how we got here, suffice it to say that we have to have a big to-do and I have to pay for it.) Just was trying to see what general consensus was about certain issues.

Thanks everyone, for all of the input.

allychase · January 2013

"It's "no, I don't want you to be a part of this huge special thing for me, even though I will have to look you in the eye during an emergency the very next day"
Sheesh.. you make it sound like one of those sad commercials with a Sarah Mclachlan song playing in the background and your coworkers giving you puppy dog eyes in slow motion because they weren't invited... Guest lists won't include everyone you've ever laughed with, hung out with, enjoyed the company of, etc... it just doesn't happen when brides are on a budget. Suck it up and realize they can't all be there, and they DON'T care as much as you think.

libby2483 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_two-invite-etiquette-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e04844ae-6447-4098-8c3a-0d399b56342cPost:380576f4-8f41-4ad6-ab18-c3c52e47cec5">Re: Two invite etiquette questions</a>:
[QUOTE]Keep it simple. And don't get all butt-hurt just because we actually answered your questions with responses that didn't support the idea of a sign-up sheet. We're just trying to help you and steer you away from advertising MORE unwanted attention for your wedding. I am not "butt-hurt", as you put it, I myself said the idea was crass to begin with. Now I realize the whole dang world thinks so too. As aforementioned, it had already been done in a previous situation at work, and I wanted to see everyone's opinion. All I wanted was some input, and I got it. Also, I did say I don't want a wedding. I don't (want a big ceremony/reception, etc). But I do want to get married. As also aformentioned, this has long ago not been about what I wanted. (It's a very long story about how we got here, suffice it to say that we have to have a big to-do and I have to pay for it.) Just was trying to see what general consensus was about certain issues. Thanks everyone, for all of the input.
Posted by Lv2goshop[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>The thing is, you don't have to have a "big to-do". If you are paying for the wedding, then you control the size, style, etc. If this is about what your family, friends, etc. want...well, they aren't the ones paying for the wedding, so they don't really get a say. No one is forcing you to have a big wedding or pay for it. Have the wedding that you want and you can afford.

</div>

Burdge1414 · January 2013

I understand where you are coming from, I can be overwheming trying to figure out who to invite and who not too. I have 2 jobs one I work with about 6 people, I work one on one with only one of them and that person will be invited. My other job I work with over 100 people, and I get along and talk with every single one, but I dont have that realtionship that I can talk to all of them about anything in my life, I have that with only one person there, and they will be invited. So out of over 160 people I am inviting 2, and no one has a problem with that. We are all still friends.

I find that being on a budget, that I can only invite those that truely know me; my family comes first, and close friends second... if I have room on my guest list I will add on some others but Its my wedding and it money. The last thing I want is to stress about how I am going to accomidate 100 people that dont even know what my married name is going to be.

SKPM · January 2013

In Response to Re:Two invite etiquette questions:[QUOTE] Also, I did say I don't want a wedding. I don't want a big ceremony/reception, etc. But I do want to get married. As also aformentioned, this has long ago not been about what I wanted. It's a very long story about how we got here, suffice it to say that we have to have a big todo and I have to pay for it. Just was trying to see what general consensus was about certain issues. Thanks everyone, for all of the input. Posted by Lv2goshop[/QUOTE]
It sounds like you need to work on setting boundaries with people, which often can involve saying "no", before you have your entire company in the delivery room with you while you birth a kid. Please, for your own sake, practice saying no to people. Life's far too short to just oblige every person's request.

amymaysa · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_two-invite-etiquette-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e04844ae-6447-4098-8c3a-0d399b56342cPost:380576f4-8f41-4ad6-ab18-c3c52e47cec5">Re: Two invite etiquette questions</a>:
[QUOTE]Keep it simple. And don't get all butt-hurt just because we actually answered your questions with responses that didn't support the idea of a sign-up sheet. We're just trying to help you and steer you away from advertising MORE unwanted attention for your wedding. I am not "butt-hurt", as you put it, I myself said the idea was crass to begin with. Now I realize the whole dang world thinks so too. As aforementioned, it had already been done in a previous situation at work, and I wanted to see everyone's opinion. All I wanted was some input, and I got it.<strong> Also, I did say I don't want a wedding. I don't (want a big ceremony/reception, etc). But I do want to get married. As also aformentioned, this has long ago not been about what I wanted. (It's a very long story about how we got here, suffice it to say that we have to have a big to-do and I have to pay for it.) </strong>Just was trying to see what general consensus was about certain issues. Thanks everyone, for all of the input.
Posted by Lv2goshop[/QUOTE]

You are an adult, if you do not want the big wedding, they who is holding a gun to your head and making you pay for it? If it's your FI, then you two need to talk and compromise on something in the middle you can BOTH agree on...

Two invite etiquette questions

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