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Minnesota-Minneapolis and St. Paul
ellybelly4
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Changing names...or not?
So right now I am in somewhat of a dilemma: I don't want to change my name.
For as long as I can remember, I have never wanted to change my last name when I get married. For one, I personally don't think it is fair that women are expected to change their last name. I know that women have been doing this forever and it's part of our culture to do so, but I still am not crazy about it. Plus I really like my last name. I don't want to hyphenate it either because it sounds ridiculous (Momsen-Johnson, yeah, not cool!). Finally, I just graduated from grad school and earned a doctorate in my name and would like to keep it that way. My fiance said he would prefer if I changed my name, but he is also somewhat understanding if I decide not to. But I can tell he deep down wishes I'd become a Johnson. And I even asked him if he was willing to change his last name to mine, and he laughed....so I take that as a "hell no!" So....what do you girls think? Am I being unreasonable in not wanting to change it??
Elisa
For as long as I can remember, I have never wanted to change my last name when I get married. For one, I personally don't think it is fair that women are expected to change their last name. I know that women have been doing this forever and it's part of our culture to do so, but I still am not crazy about it. Plus I really like my last name. I don't want to hyphenate it either because it sounds ridiculous (Momsen-Johnson, yeah, not cool!). Finally, I just graduated from grad school and earned a doctorate in my name and would like to keep it that way. My fiance said he would prefer if I changed my name, but he is also somewhat understanding if I decide not to. But I can tell he deep down wishes I'd become a Johnson. And I even asked him if he was willing to change his last name to mine, and he laughed....so I take that as a "hell no!" So....what do you girls think? Am I being unreasonable in not wanting to change it??
Elisa
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Re: Changing names...or not?
FI's last name is Williams... not quite so unique
Are you planning on having kids? Does that factor into it at all? My mom is remarried, so she no longer has the same last name as my siblings and I. They dont' care, but it causes issues and school and stuff sometimes (they're much younger- like 11 years old.)
Eat.Drink.BeMarried. Blog.
Couple thoughts - do you want to have kids and does it matter to you that you'll have some confusion with you and DH not having the same name?
Would you consider professionally going by your maiden name but legally by your husbands? I think a lot of folks do that (my sister is a doctor and I would expect that to be the same type of situation - PITA to change professionally once she's established).
Changing your name is a totally personal choice. If you don't want to -then don't!
At first, I think it was kind of weird for FI to think about me not automatically taking his name (because that's the status quo), but he understands that I've built a professional reputation for myself, and my name also reflects who I am.
And FI knows that I'm a feminist. Plain and simple, I don't understand why the woman automatically takes the husband's last name and completely ditches her own identity, while the husband doesn't change a damn thing. Hmpf.
And as far as the children, I have no problem with them having his last name. (I think it would be a pain for children to have hyphenated last names.) Does it bother me that our children will have a different last name than me? Absolutely NOT. I have a 4-year-old daughter whom I placed for adoption (open adoption) with a wonderful family when she was born. She has a different last name than me, and I'm not even her "real" parent, but I can tell you that I love that child more than you could even begin to imagine, and she will always know that I'm her birthmother.
My parents are both docs and my mom does what wittyschaffy said - goes by Dr. P professionaly and by Mrs. M socially (but her legal name is Dr. P since your professional name has to be your legal name for licensing purposes). It never really caused problems growing up (but does now for invites, haha) and I'm proud of my mom for what she did (first in her fam to go to college let alone become a doc, was one of 4 women in med school). But for me its totally different, my med school class is 2/3s women, not setting any precedent with my degree in my fam....so in short....I don't know yet
I think in the end you have to do what (a) feels right to you (b) have a long talk with FI about it - bring up the suggestions that drdifabio (neat idea!) & others have made (c) "sleep on it" for a bit longer - I just saw that you are getting married on 5/30 - so not too much longer I guess (CONGRATS!).
On a side note...tell us more about your wedding! I am post-call today so I need/want wedding "porn"
The cultural differences in family name are fascinating, too! In most Spanish-speaking countries, it is common to take both surnames, for instance. Patronymic is historically the most common, which is probably why it is the standard! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_name
Though I should mention that I don't think it's fair to paint everyone with the same brush. I understand why some women change their last names. I think every woman needs to make that decision for herself.
As for kids, I totally don't mind if they take on his, and it's not like I will cringe every time someone calls me "Mrs. Johnson" in social situations. But like I said, I love my last name and am not too crazy about changing it. So at this point I will most likely not change it (still need to talk to the fiance). I will let you all know how that goes! Thanks!
Elisa