This is a new one for me

quotequeen · July 2010

We hear about a lot of people who are already married when they have their "wedding" and don't tell anybody, but I think this is the first time I've heard about somebody having a wedding and pretending to get married, but not actually going through with it legally, then or ever.

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_addressing-invitations-2

AllAboutTheBenjamin · July 2010

That is the strangest situation I have ever heard of - they had a wedding but aren't going to be "married" officially? Why the eff not? If you don't want to be married then why bother with a wedding in the first place? Bizarre!

lapcan · July 2010

Wow...I used to play pretend wedding when I was 8. I was "married" at least 4 times by the time I was 10. Is this kind of the same thing?

waltzingmatilda13 · July 2010

Stupid. And ridiculous.

Knittibell · July 2010

Yeah, and as I posted in the thread- if something happens to him, she is legally fucked. Like, seriously fucked. I was married and had a will when my H was killed and it was still a clusterfuck.

stephl3055 · July 2010

Wow

Julz629 · July 2010

FI's aunt and her "husband" did this but it wasn't a secret. For them, it's a money thing. Neither of them are well off financially -- she gets alimony for her first husband and that would have been forfeited if they got married. So they had a get-together with about 50 people where they had a "commitment" ceremony and someone (an officiant? I dunno) blessed their union and we had dinner. They both exchanged rings, she changed her last name, and they call each other their husband and wife.

It's crazy because her first husband knows this and is OK with still paying her alimony. And the family knows they aren't officially married, but no one really cares.

I think it's stupid and selfish of them to do. If you are going to commit your life to someone, you need to accept all that comes along with it...even if it means forfeiting alimony.

waltzingmatilda13 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-new-one-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec682203-e901-4fa5-9a15-429141fe9166Post:92cfbb20-0da1-4fae-86aa-4f8f8ed14a19">Re: This is a new one for me</a>:
[QUOTE]FI's aunt and her "husband" did this but it wasn't a secret. For them, it's a money thing. Neither of them are well off financially -- she gets alimony for her first husband and that would have been forfeited if they got married. So they had a get-together with about 50 people where they had a "commitment" ceremony and someone (an officiant? I dunno) blessed their union and we had dinner. They both exchanged rings, she changed his last name, and they call each other their husband and wife. It's crazy because her first husband knows this and is OK with still paying her alimony. And the family knows they aren't officially married, but no one really cares. I think it's stupid and selfish of them to do. If you are going to commit your life to someone, you need to accept all that comes along with it...even if it means forfeiting alimony.
Posted by jholbel[/QUOTE]

Okay, I was wrong in that other thread, this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. Why would her ex be okay with her scamming him to keep getting money?

squirrly · July 2010

Nuts. That's just nuts.

brilibby4 · July 2010

There is all sorts of crazy going on today!

rbtrumpet · July 2010

wow....

I had friends who did something similar. They didn't want to be together, but went through with their wedding (they both had reasons, I kinda understand (REALLY long story - I'll spare you)) - but they did legally get married. What no one knew was even before the wedding, they had drafted up their divorce papers. They didn't want anyone to know, so the plan was to wait 8 months and then file for divorce (for appearances reasons).

Oddly enough...those 8 months totally changed their relationship. They have been married....5 or 6 years now! (and only a handfull of people know about the divorce papers....which they no longer have)

georgia_bride09 · July 2010

What a total waste of money. A dog tutu is a better use of money than that.

Julz629 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-new-one-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec682203-e901-4fa5-9a15-429141fe9166Post:c35f938e-2822-4e3b-9054-a72c0026af6d">Re: This is a new one for me</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: This is a new one for me : Okay, I was wrong in that other thread, this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. Why would her ex be okay with her scamming him to keep getting money?
Posted by waltzingmatilda13[/QUOTE]

Um, apparently her ex is a really good guy. I dunno??? They were married for 20+ years and I don't know why they got divorced, but he just wants her to be OK financially so he doesn't mind continuing to pay alimony. The whole thing is kinda messed up. They had this ceremony/dinner thing and I didn't feel comfortable giving them a wedding gift so I took flowers and a vase that had their names and the date (of their fake wedding) etched into it.

rbtrumpet · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-new-one-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec682203-e901-4fa5-9a15-429141fe9166Post:5cdf361d-9db3-4302-ae18-3cb72584f06c">Re: This is a new one for me</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, and as I posted in the thread- if something happens to him, she is legally fucked. Like, seriously fucked. I was married and had a will when my H was killed and it was still a clusterfuck.
Posted by Knittibell[/QUOTE]

This is totally true! I have a friend who is gay, and living with his long-term partner (9 years now, I think) in a state where gay marriage is not legal. His partner got in an accidnet and was sent to the hospital. The poor guy went through all sorts of hell trying to take care of his partner :(

angie74 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-new-one-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec682203-e901-4fa5-9a15-429141fe9166Post:364fcbc8-f578-465d-9cf6-64ca41ef3788">Re: This is a new one for me</a>:
[QUOTE]wow.... I had friends who did something similar. They didn't want to be together, but went through with their wedding (they both had reasons, I kinda understand (REALLY long story - I'll spare you)) - but they did legally get married. What no one knew was even before the wedding, they had drafted up their divorce papers. They didn't want anyone to know, so the plan was to wait 8 months and then file for divorce (for appearances reasons). Oddly enough...those 8 months totally changed their relationship. They have been married....5 or 6 years now! (and only a handfull of people know about the divorce papers....which they no longer have)
Posted by rbtrumpet[/QUOTE]

yea. I think you're going to need to share that story. that sounds ridiculous.

Knittibell · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-new-one-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec682203-e901-4fa5-9a15-429141fe9166Post:1176e5aa-3e2d-4892-adb3-9c5e78beeaf7">Re: This is a new one for me</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: This is a new one for me : This is totally true! I have a friend who is gay, and living with his long-term partner (9 years now, I think) in a state where gay marriage is not legal. His partner got in an accidnet and was sent to the hospital. The poor guy went through all sorts of hell trying to take care of his partner :(
Posted by rbtrumpet[/QUOTE]

YES! Linda and Gloria in this article- <a href="http://www.usatoday.com/money/perfi/general/2004-05-16-gay-seniors_x.htm" rel="nofollow">http://www.usatoday.com/money/perfi/general/2004-05-16-gay-seniors_x.htm</a>

were my neighbors growing up, and were part of the lawsuit that led to gay marriage being legal in MA. SO proud of them. And I'm so sorry for your friends. That is all KINDS of wrong!

MattsPenguin · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-new-one-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec682203-e901-4fa5-9a15-429141fe9166Post:1176e5aa-3e2d-4892-adb3-9c5e78beeaf7">Re: This is a new one for me</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: This is a new one for me : This is totally true! I have a friend who is gay, and living with his long-term partner (9 years now, I think) in a state where gay marriage is not legal. His partner got in an accidnet and was sent to the hospital. The poor guy went through all sorts of hell trying to take care of his partner :(
Posted by rbtrumpet[/QUOTE]

That right there is pretty much the biggest reason that I support gay marriage. How awful would it be to not be able to do anything or even visit them in the hospital? At least give people legal rights!!!

rbtrumpet · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-new-one-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec682203-e901-4fa5-9a15-429141fe9166Post:cd45e37d-85e1-417e-88b7-17b748c8a78d">Re: This is a new one for me</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: This is a new one for me : yea. I think you're going to need to share that story. that sounds ridiculous.
Posted by angie74[/QUOTE]

OK...if you want.... really, it all comes down to appearances.

He had been engaged before, and broke off the engagement. His family was apparently really uset with him about it. (I'm not sure, but I think his family had helped pay..for both weddings, since they were pretty far into the wedding planning when they realized they didn't want to be together).

Her family is super conservative. After a few years of dating, they started sleeping together. Her family didn't know. She wanted to be able to say that the only man she had slept with was her first (now only) husband.

They both felt it was just better to get married, make their families happy, then get divorced later on.

OK...its not as long as I thought...in my head it was longer :-p

angie74 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-new-one-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec682203-e901-4fa5-9a15-429141fe9166Post:cbf05caa-4bfc-4d3e-9ea7-3d11fd743de8">Re: This is a new one for me</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: This is a new one for me : OK...if you want.... really, it all comes down to appearances. He had been engaged before, and broke off the engagement. His family was apparently really uset with him about it. (I'm not sure, but I think his family had helped pay..for both weddings, since they were pretty far into the wedding planning when they realized they didn't want to be together). Her family is super conservative. After a few years of dating, they started sleeping together. Her family didn't know. She wanted to be able to say that the only man she had slept with was her first (now only) husband. They both felt it was just better to get married, make their families happy, then get divorced later on. OK...its not as long as I thought...in my head it was longer :-p
Posted by rbtrumpet[/QUOTE]

yea. I judge that. that's ridiculous. man up and stop being such a pansy. glad they're still together, though.

rbtrumpet · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-new-one-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec682203-e901-4fa5-9a15-429141fe9166Post:7c7e14fa-14fe-4b69-87e6-b3ce4e99ad9f">Re: This is a new one for me</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: This is a new one for me : yea. I judge that. that's ridiculous. man up and stop being such a pansy. glad they're still together, though.
Posted by angie74[/QUOTE]

I never said it was *good* reasons....I just said I kinda understood....

and I think it's awesome (if not a one in a million chance) that they ended up actually liking each other ;)

cstt21251723 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-new-one-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec682203-e901-4fa5-9a15-429141fe9166Post:92cfbb20-0da1-4fae-86aa-4f8f8ed14a19">Re: This is a new one for me</a>:
[QUOTE]FI's aunt and her "husband" did this but it wasn't a secret. For them, it's a money thing. Neither of them are well off financially -- she gets alimony for her first husband and that would have been forfeited if they got married. So they had a get-together with about 50 people where they had a "commitment" ceremony and someone (an officiant? I dunno) blessed their union and we had dinner. They both exchanged rings, she changed her last name, and they call each other their husband and wife. It's crazy because her first husband knows this and is OK with still paying her alimony. And the family knows they aren't officially married, but no one really cares. I think it's stupid and selfish of them to do. If you are going to commit your life to someone, you need to accept all that comes along with it...even if it means forfeiting alimony.
Posted by jholbel[/QUOTE]

Thats just... thats just all kinds of wrong.

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noodle_oo · July 2010

The alimony thing? That's just wrong. That's like people who don't get married so they can continue to collect welfare and then keep having kids with their "boyfriend" who is really their husband. (and yes, I know people who do this)

My sister has a friend who has a long time boyfriend. They decided to have a child together, but they didn't want to get married. After she was pregnant, she pressured him to propose. So he did (even though he didn't want to). He got her a ring, but it looks like a wedding band, not a e-ring. She wears that so it looks like they are married, but they never did get married (now like 5 years later). I think she just wanted to have the ring so that people didn't judge her or something. It is actually kind of sad. Although, they are a happy family, so not sure why they don't just get married.

KatyRoseM · July 2010

I've heard of people not getting married legally because they believe the government shouldn't be involved in their relationship. Its odd, and risky, but I understand and actually accept that. They think its a religious and personal commitment but not the governments concern.

Simply Fated · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-new-one-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec682203-e901-4fa5-9a15-429141fe9166Post:1176e5aa-3e2d-4892-adb3-9c5e78beeaf7">Re: This is a new one for me</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: This is a new one for me : This is totally true! I have a friend who is gay, and living with his long-term partner (9 years now, I think) in a state where gay marriage is not legal. His partner got in an accidnet and was sent to the hospital. The poor guy went through all sorts of hell trying to take care of his partner :(
Posted by rbtrumpet[/QUOTE]
This is the main reason I'm for gay marriage... ever since I saw If These Walls Could Talk 2. It made me realize what it really meant when hospitals says "Family only."

In general, it's why I want to get married to my bf. I'm not trying to rush it or anything, but there are legal issues to be concerned with.

Two fake weddings are mentioned in that thread and in both cases it's the man who isn't ready to commit. I mean, really? Is he that concerned with what will happen to him legally if he cheats?

TheCranberry · July 2010

The alimony one is just ridiculous. If the ex-husband was fine with continuing to pay alimony then the new marriage wouldn't stop that. Nothing prevents him from continuing to send his ex-wife a check every month. It only becomes an issue if he stops paying and she wants to enforce the order. There's something else going on there.

I don't really get the whole having sex with the husband reason. Weird.

I don't care if someone wants to have a commitment ceremony without a legal marriage as long as they are honest with people. If you don't want to get married, why lie about it and go through the lie of the ceremony?

As an aside, people who say: "the state doesn't need to be involved in my relationship" are treading dangerous ground for the aforementioned reasons. Inheritance, custody of non-biological children, decisions about healthcare, etc are all tricky issues for people who are not legally married. You can go through the hassle of addressing all of these issues piecemeal by hiring a lawyer and making the arrangments, but you're giving up the "bundle of rights" that automatically come with getting married.

pennita · July 2010

I know a couple who decided just a couple of months before their wedding to change it to a commitment ceremony. The groom has an incurable cancer. They decided to go ahead with their wedding plans, but as things progressed, it became clear that the medical situation was going to be a big problem financially. Basically, he was going to be reduced to nothing and she would too if they were legally married. She owned the house and was the only one working (he wasn't able to to go back to work). They didn't want to make the decision they did, but they realized the only way to really protect themselves financially was to make sure there was no way she could be held liable for his medical expenses. They live at the house she owns and she supports both of them. It works for them.
She did include a note in all of the invitations letting people know that it was a commitment ceremony because she didn't want anyone to feel like they had been duped. Everyone understood and supported their decision.

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