ahhhh how I have vivid memories of when I was this clueless and came on here whining because my dad hadnt offered to pay for MY wedding. OP - take the advice you have been given, and trust me youll be blown away by how much you can save, and how much better it feels to have saved and paid for the vast majority of YOUR wedding yourselves. If you have been together for 10 years, that has to put you at...at least..25? I hope? Grow up, put your big girl pants on and shell out for the money yourselves, I cant even fathom the fact that not only are you ignorant enough to allow your parents to take from their retirement to pay for YOUR day, but you have the nerve to ask someone else to come up with what your short? NO, pay for it yourselves.When you are planning a bbq get together do you go to mommy and daddy for it? no? What are you going to do when your H and you want to buy a house, a new car? you SAVE! your wedding is no different. pay for it yourself. Do NOT put your parents under this much financial stress, it is NOT worth it. I wouldnt be able to sleep at night if I knew that. and finally - when I came to TK, I had almost the exact post as you, I needed a reality check, which I got, and pulled the money together ourselves. (TK success story!) My dad later offered us money, we didnt need it so were putting it towards a down payment on a house There are more important things in life than a wedding, please dont put yourselves, (or worse your parents) into debt for it. Hopefully, you take the advice on here, they are right.
I'm not going to be one to beat a dead horse.. but OP, please really think of what your parents are sacrificing for you.
Do them a huge favor and an absolute wonderful sign of gratitude by toning down your wedding. Your parents will be so proud and happy that you're looking out for their well-being and not being greedy.
I really hope you re-read what you posted and see how selfish it came off as.
You and your FI do not need to ask for any money from his family, pony up and pay for it yourselves. Be gracious. Please.
You should not ask anyone for money. It's incredibly rude. If your in laws want to help, they will offer, But do not ask,
Also, I realize that you can't tell your parents how to spend their money, but I honestly don't think they should have to "dip into their retirement" to pay for your wedding. I wouldn't allow my parents to do this.
EVERYONE THAT COMMENTED NEEDS TO GET OFF THEIR HIGH HORSE!!! WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE SOMEONE ELSE???? I'M SURE YOU ALL DID F*CKED UP SH*T AT SOME POINT IN YOUR LIVES!!! THERE IS A NICE WAY TO SAY EVERYTHING!!! GOD I HATE SELF RIGHTEOUS PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think people on here and being WAYY too mean, by calling you far worse than a btidezilla and how they'd be embarrassed. They should be embarrassed saying stuff like that about someone they don't know!! How rude and bitchy.
That being said, I think the answer to your question is yes, it's inappropriate to ask for money for your wedding. A lunch the day after is certainly not nessecary, and you and your fiancée should take a good look and see where you can cut back. Either way, at the end of the day it's not about the party it's about being married to this man whom you've been with for so long. Enjoy it.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-in-laws-for-financial-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1fe88a50-9f69-4114-bae8-374d0093e091Post:a9dcfe64-8fb1-4e21-9341-1fb7c8987f43">Re: Asking in laws for financial help</a>: [QUOTE]EVERYONE THAT COMMENTED NEEDS TO GET OFF THEIR HIGH HORSE!!! WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE SOMEONE ELSE???? I<strong>'M SURE YOU ALL DID F*CKED UP SH*T AT SOME POINT IN YOUR LIVES!!!</strong> THERE IS A NICE WAY TO SAY EVERYTHING!!! GOD I HATE SELF RIGHTEOUS PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Posted by CarolynB0212[/QUOTE]
Sure, but most of the time when people do "F*CKED UP SH*T" they dont: A. post about it on a public board for all to see B. whine that despite doing said "F*CKED UP SH*T" things STILL arent good enough for them. C. ask for advice on how to CONTINUE TO BE "f*cked up"
OP, I'd love to have a rehearsal dinner that is more than pizza and soda. I'd love to have a wonderful party of a wedding. Hell, it would even be nice to have a cutesy little lunch the day after. But it will be a cold day in hell for me to ever consider allowing my parents to dip into retirement savings, let alone consider demanding my FI's family pay for unnecessary items.
Seriously, you need to grow up and take responsibility for yourself. You want them? Pay for them yourself.
My fiance and I have been together since may and from day one wer knew we were getting married. Every penny we could save has gone towords the wedding, and we are both students on limited incom. Would I like to have a huge wedding party? Of course! But we can't afford it so we are doing something small and simple and not counting on our parents to pay for anything. His parents did offer to pay for some things but we are still keeping small and affordable as if it was us footing the whole bill.
You don't ASK anyone for anything. If someone offers their help willingly and happily, go ahead and accept but if you can't get the remainder on your own either save another year or cut back on the cost. As for your parents having to dip into their retirement, it obviously isn't "killing" you enough to tell them no. Do you have any idea what it will cost them in interest, fees, penalties and taxes for taking this money out?
Bottom line is make do with what you've got or do without.
- If your parents have offered to pay what you describe as 2/3 of the total cost of the wedding and you are still struggling to come up with money for the remaining 1/3, you may need to scale it down a bit or postpone it.
- To reiterate what others have said, please consider that your parents are putting their financial future in jepordy in order for you to have a party. Think about their needs and again, scale back or postpone the wedding.
- It's generally bad manners to ask someone to pay for your party. If they offer, accept graciously or (in your parents' case) politely explain that you have the funds already.
My suggestion: elope. Just you and your fiance. Go somewhere lovely (on your dime!) and spend time together, map out your future, discuss goals/dreams/fantasies, set up a financial plan for your new family, and be grateful that you have found a wonderful partner. Don't go into debt or allow others (no matter how well-intentioned they are) to go into debt for a 4 hour long party.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-in-laws-for-financial-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1fe88a50-9f69-4114-bae8-374d0093e091Post:63b576b2-e96a-4335-9c74-7f8c9da068fa">Re: Asking in laws for financial help</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking in laws for financial help : Sure, but most of the time when people do "F*CKED UP SH*T" they dont: A. post about it on a public board for all to see B. whine that despite doing said "F*CKED UP SH*T" things STILL arent good enough for them. C. ask for advice on how to CONTINUE TO BE "f*cked up" OP, I'd love to have a rehearsal dinner that is more than pizza and soda. I'd love to have a wonderful party of a wedding. Hell, it would even be nice to have a cutesy little lunch the day after. But it will be a cold day in hell for me to ever consider allowing my parents to dip into retirement savings, let alone consider demanding my FI's family pay for unnecessary items. Seriously, you need to grow up and take responsibility for yourself. You want them? Pay for them yourself. Posted by button6004[/QUOTE]
If making a list of excuses for being a nasty bitch makes you feel better, then ok. And if one day your child behaves selfishly and stupid about something and everyone at school is so mean to him/her that he/she comes home crying everyday for weeks or maybe months, make sure you tell your kid that he/she deserves it because a...b....and c. There is no excuse to being unnecessarily mean to someone. Like I said before...There is a nice way to say everything.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-in-laws-for-financial-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1fe88a50-9f69-4114-bae8-374d0093e091Post:8d6a379d-d445-48ef-a642-f04034b90945">Re: Asking in laws for financial help</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking in laws for financial help : If making a list of excuses for being a <strong>nasty bitch</strong> makes you feel better, then ok. And if one day your child behaves selfishly and stupid about something and everyone at school is so mean to him/her that he/she comes home crying everyday for weeks or maybe months, make sure you tell your kid that he/she deserves it because a...b....and c. There is no excuse to being unnecessarily mean to someone. Like I said before...There is a nice way to say everything. Posted by CarolynB0212[/QUOTE]
Really? There's a stark difference between a grown woman expecting people to pay for things for her and a child being selfish. OP is an adult and seemingly financially independent. There is no reason for her to assume anyone should pay for anything for her wedding and she absolutely should feel bad about it.
I dont think I said anything that warranted being called a "nasty bitch," but thanks for the compliment.
(also, I think it is ironic that you sarcastically suggested I use the same set of rules for a selfish child, because thats exactly how I think OP is behaving).
Although I haven't been using big words, you don't seem to understand my point. So I'll spell it out for you one more time: Regardless of whether or not OP....
"A. posted about it on a public board for all to see B. whined that despite doing said "F*CKED UP SH*T" things STILL arent good enough for them. C. asked for advice on how to CONTINUE TO BE 'f*cked up'."
there is no reason you or anyone else who commented on here should be so insulting and judgmental.
It is in poor taste to make derogatory comments about OP rather than simply saying "You shouldn't ask your future inlaws to pay for anything. It is not their responsibility. Plus, it is considered tacky and rude and could make them uncomfortable or even angry".
It's called having manners or being polite and civilized. You should try it.
(And if you notice, she never asked anyone's opinion about how her parents were financing the wedding.)
@CarolynB0212, let me get this straight. You came back more than two years after you last posted in this thread to try to prove your point to people who are long gone?
@CarolynB0212, let me get this straight. You came back more than two years after you last posted in this thread to try to prove your point to people who are long gone?
Thats a really long time to think of a response...
@CarolynB0212, let me get this straight. You came back more than two years after you last posted in this thread to try to prove your point to people who are long gone?
Thats a really long time to think of a response...
She's just REALLY invested in this thread!
My guess, is that she is OP's mom who came to defend her retirement stealing daughter from all the meanies on the internet. She came back to plan another kids' wedding and got an alert that she was quoted.
@CarolynB0212, let me get this straight. You came back more than two years after you last posted in this thread to try to prove your point to people who are long gone?
Thats a really long time to think of a response...
Yeah, at least get more creative than reiterating the same tired point in huge bold letters. After two years, you'd better at least have a song and dance to go with it.
"I'm not a rude bitch. I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."
Although I haven't been using big words, you don't seem to understand my point. So I'll spell it out for you one more time: Regardless of whether or not OP....
"A. posted about it on a public board for all to see B. whined that despite doing said "F*CKED UP SH*T" things STILL arent good enough for them. C. asked for advice on how to CONTINUE TO BE 'f*cked up'."
there is no reason you or anyone else who commented on here should be so insulting and judgmental.
It is in poor taste to make derogatory comments about OP rather than simply saying "You shouldn't ask your future inlaws to pay for anything. It is not their responsibility. Plus, it is considered tacky and rude and could make them uncomfortable or even angry".
It's called having manners or being polite and civilized. You should try it.
(And if you notice, she never asked anyone's opinion about how her parents were financing the wedding.)
You are responding to a thread that is 2.5 years old to say this?
There are so many things to be angry about here. I'm going to go with the fact that anybody who thinks that wedding day expenses are more important than retirement savings being everything that's wrong with America and American children (yes, OP's mom, I'm looking at you and judging). We all want our kids to have everything they want, but letting her think it's okay to sock your own retirement savings for a freaking one-day event is not ok.
Re: Asking in laws for financial help
OP - take the advice you have been given, and trust me youll be blown away by how much you can save, and how much better it feels to have saved and paid for the vast majority of YOUR wedding yourselves.
If you have been together for 10 years, that has to put you at...at least..25? I hope? Grow up, put your big girl pants on and shell out for the money yourselves, I cant even fathom the fact that not only are you ignorant enough to allow your parents to take from their retirement to pay for YOUR day, but you have the nerve to ask someone else to come up with what your short? NO, pay for it yourselves.When you are planning a bbq get together do you go to mommy and daddy for it? no? What are you going to do when your H and you want to buy a house, a new car? you SAVE! your wedding is no different. pay for it yourself.
Do NOT put your parents under this much financial stress, it is NOT worth it. I wouldnt be able to sleep at night if I knew that.
and finally - when I came to TK, I had almost the exact post as you, I needed a reality check, which I got, and pulled the money together ourselves.
Hopefully, you take the advice on here, they are right.
Also, I realize that you can't tell your parents how to spend their money, but I honestly don't think they should have to "dip into their retirement" to pay for your wedding. I wouldn't allow my parents to do this.
Planning Bio
[QUOTE]EVERYONE THAT COMMENTED NEEDS TO GET OFF THEIR HIGH HORSE!!! WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE SOMEONE ELSE???? I<strong>'M SURE YOU ALL DID F*CKED UP SH*T AT SOME POINT IN YOUR LIVES!!!</strong> THERE IS A NICE WAY TO SAY EVERYTHING!!! GOD I HATE SELF RIGHTEOUS PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by CarolynB0212[/QUOTE]
Sure, but most of the time when people do "F*CKED UP SH*T" they dont:
A. post about it on a public board for all to see
B. whine that despite doing said "F*CKED UP SH*T" things STILL arent good enough for them.
C. ask for advice on how to CONTINUE TO BE "f*cked up"
OP, I'd love to have a rehearsal dinner that is more than pizza and soda. I'd love to have a wonderful party of a wedding. Hell, it would even be nice to have a cutesy little lunch the day after. But it will be a cold day in hell for me to ever consider allowing my parents to dip into retirement savings, let alone consider demanding my FI's family pay for unnecessary items.
Seriously, you need to grow up and take responsibility for yourself. You want them? Pay for them yourself.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking in laws for financial help : Sure, but most of the time when people do "F*CKED UP SH*T" they dont: A. post about it on a public board for all to see B. whine that despite doing said "F*CKED UP SH*T" things STILL arent good enough for them. C. ask for advice on how to CONTINUE TO BE "f*cked up" OP, I'd love to have a rehearsal dinner that is more than pizza and soda. I'd love to have a wonderful party of a wedding. Hell, it would even be nice to have a cutesy little lunch the day after. But it will be a cold day in hell for me to ever consider allowing my parents to dip into retirement savings, let alone consider demanding my FI's family pay for unnecessary items. Seriously, you need to grow up and take responsibility for yourself. You want them? Pay for them yourself.
Posted by button6004[/QUOTE]
If making a list of excuses for being a nasty bitch makes you feel better, then ok. And if one day your child behaves selfishly and stupid about something and everyone at school is so mean to him/her that he/she comes home crying everyday for weeks or maybe months, make sure you tell your kid that he/she deserves it because a...b....and c.
There is no excuse to being unnecessarily mean to someone. Like I said before...There is a nice way to say everything.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking in laws for financial help : If making a list of excuses for being a <strong>nasty bitch</strong> makes you feel better, then ok. And if one day your child behaves selfishly and stupid about something and everyone at school is so mean to him/her that he/she comes home crying everyday for weeks or maybe months, make sure you tell your kid that he/she deserves it because a...b....and c. There is no excuse to being unnecessarily mean to someone. Like I said before...There is a nice way to say everything.
Posted by CarolynB0212[/QUOTE]
Really? There's a stark difference between a grown woman expecting people to pay for things for her and a child being selfish. OP is an adult and seemingly financially independent. There is no reason for her to assume anyone should pay for anything for her wedding and she absolutely should feel bad about it.
I dont think I said anything that warranted being called a "nasty bitch," but thanks for the compliment.
(also, I think it is ironic that you sarcastically suggested I use the same set of rules for a selfish child, because thats exactly how I think OP is behaving).
B. whined that despite doing said "F*CKED UP SH*T" things STILL arent good enough for them.
C. asked for advice on how to CONTINUE TO BE 'f*cked up'."