BM is mad shes not MOH - suggestions/advice!

Re: BM is mad shes not MOH - suggestions/advice!

• mbcdefg member

  

  March 2010

  She is wrong for asking to be MOH.
  
  But you were wrong to assume that she couldn't handle being MOH because of the baby and because of her finances. NONE of that has to do with being the MOH. MOH is simply your closest friend(s), not the person most available to help out.
  
  You say that you understand that the MOH is not obligated to do things for you, but I don't think you really do. Otherwise, her pregnancy and her financial status would not have factored into your decision. You buying her a dress doesn't excuse you from making decisions about her personal life and her willingness to be MOH on her behalf.
  
  If you chose the other girl as MOH because she is closer to you, then just say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I didn't mean it as a slight against you and certainly didn't mean to hurt your feelings." You do not need to make her MOH to appease her.
  
  If you would've chosen her as MOH or co-MOH if not for the baby and her financial status, then say, "I'm really sorry. I am equally close to you and to X, and should've made you co-Maids of Honor. I foolishly assumed that your pregnancy and your finances would get in the way of you being MOH, but now I know that MOH is an honor for my closest friends, not the best helpers. So would you like to be the co-Maid of Honor, since you and X are my two dearest friends?"

  

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• SarahPLiz member

  

  March 2010

  Its up to you. Its entirely acceptable to have 2 MOH. She is insulted because you chose for her. Instead of telling her that you were close to the 2 of them and you can't choose, you made a decision for her about how busy she is, without her input, and that her involvement in planning was more important than her friendship. She has the right to be a little miffed.
  
  That being said, its rude of her to ask for an honor, no matter the circumstances. 
  
   You should always ask whoever you want, even if its 2 people, and then let them tell you if they feel like they can do it.

  
  

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• suz62984

  

  March 2010

  She was very wrong for asking to be MOH; however you were wrong in your reasoning of making her just a BM. From the above statement it sounds like you only choose to keep her as a BM because she wouldn't be able to do things for you as MOH.
  
  I might explain or "vent" to my MOH and see if she suggests splitting the MOH duty. I have known a ton of girls who resent the bride for being made co-MOH suddenly. Also, if you have already purchased the dress I would tell her that unfortunately it is not within your budget to purchase a second dress. She can either wear the one she has or purchase another one on her own dime. You may be able to sell the dress you purchased or return it if she buys another dress.

  

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• emilyinchile member

  

  March 2010

  I agree that if you wanted her to be MOH, not asking her just for the reasons you've listed was silly, but unless you told her "you would have been MOH if you could afford it and had more time," there's no reason she should feel offended. And she definitely shouldn't have asked you about it.
  
  I'd probably focus more on the dress issue in my response. Are all the BMs wearing matching dresses? Have you decided on them? If she's having a baby, maybe she wants a different dress for comfort/weight reasons. Assuming the BMs are matching, I'd probably say something like "I'd really like for you all to have the same dress, but I'm open to being flexible about it - is there something that makes you uncomfortable about the dresses we've been considering?"

  

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• lalap69 member

  

  March 2010

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-mad-shes-not-moh-suggestionsadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8a4ece0b-55f3-4e45-b90b-84d7bddb18cdPost:15a3ef37-06e7-4883-adf1-b80b926fae77">BM is mad shes not MOH - suggestions/advice!</a>:
  [QUOTE]Hi, So I have two best friends.  It was a VERY hard choice to pick MOH, but I did choose one. My MOH is very involved in my wedding planning my shower, bachlorette, helping with invitations, etc - I couldn't be happier and <u><strong>I DIDN"T EXPECT her to do anything of things she is doing.</strong></u> My other best friend is a BM because she's having a baby next month and <u><strong>I figured I would make her life easier by having her be a bridesmaids since she has a very busy schedule and will be welcoming a new baby. </strong></u>  She also isn't in a great financial position - I bought her dress and will pay for all wedding expenses because I want her to be part of my day. The other day she emailed me asking if she could be the MOH with the current MOH and if she could have a dress different from everyone else....I don't even know how to respond.... My MOH I have known since I was a freshman in college and the BM I've only known for 3 years. <u><strong>I feel equally close to both of them its just that I was trying to make my BM life easier, but in the process I seemed to upset her.  I'm also kind of annyoyed that she competely disregarded the fact that I just bought her a dress.</strong></u> Any words of advice how to respond?
  Posted by MDT082010[/QUOTE]
  If you didn't expect your MOH and BMs to do anything for you, then why did that factor into your decision of who to have as your MOH?  If you were trying to make her life easier, and she's making it clear that it's only hurt her, then what's your rationale for continuing that?
  
  I also don't understand what you buying her dress has to do with this, unless it's because she said she wants to have a different dress for the wedding.
  
  Since you're equally close to both of them and you only didn't ask her to be MOH since you were under the misguided notion that it would make her life easier, make her MOH.  If the original dress is already ordered and paid for, let her know that it's too late to change the dress.
  
  I do think it's rude to ask for an honour like that, but you can't choose how other people act, only how you react to it.

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• MDT082010 member

  

  March 2010

  The reason I mentioned the dress is because
   1.) I bought it already
   2.) the entire Bridal party is wearing the same dress. 3 of my BM and MOH just had babies too and they wanted a dress they would feel comfortable in. She doesn't like empire waists and wants something more fitted, but she wants a slim fitting dress. She's lucky enough to be one of those people who loose weight quick. We asked her about 10 times to come with us I offered to drive and pick her up, but she had no interest in dress shopping. That's why I was a little annoyed when she wanted her own "special" dress.
  
  I  talked to my MOH and she's pissed because in her circle the MOH does pay for the shower with the bridal party. I know this is not typical, but she's annoyed because she's paying and wants the "credit"....so now its just a mess.
  Thanks everyone for your advice - I've thought about this today and my current MOH is prob my closest friend because she is the only one I would call at 3am. So I made the right choice...it too bad my other close friend is upset, but I'm sticking with my gut. Thank you to all of you!!!

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