Funerals

amalama · July 2009

At what age do you think it is appropriate to bring a child to a funeral?Story: My daughter is 2. Recently my BF's great aunt died, and his mother was a little irritated that we did not bring her to the memorial. She said that our daughter would have cheered everyone up (which I thought was innappropriate anyway) and that she was part of her family too and should be their.Now BF's step grandmother is dying of cancer. They are already planning the service and it has already been brought up again. I am very uncomfortable bringing her to a funeral, for a few reasons. I am not sure if it would scare her, she's not old enough to need it for closure or anything, and I feel she would be disruptive. Basically I am trying to avoid situations like Julie's baby shower or what Mandy was saying about her mother's wake. She has a lot of family we don't even know and I don't think they would appreciate everyone else being excited to see our daughter.So WWYD? Just say no, even though it will upset BF's mom when her MIL is dying? Ask her husband (it's his mom who is sick) what he prefers?

mandysmear · July 2009

It's your child. If you feel uncomfortable than don't bring her. I have no idea what age I would be appropriate, but 2 is defintely not.

Calypso1977 · July 2009

where you bring your child is no one's business but yours. if you dont feel comfy bringing your child to a funeral, then you dont need to consult with anyone other than maybe the other parent of the child. my nephew was 3 or 4 when my dad died. my sister did not involve him with the funeral or the wake. he played over at a neighbors house. while he knew his grandpa was sick, my sister didnt feel it appropriate to see him in the casket, etc. i tend to agree with her, btu at the same time there were other kids who did come and they were fine. its all parental preference but you should nto feel pressue either way from anyone.

shellydiane820 · July 2009

It is definitely what the parent thinks is best for their child. I haven't seen a two-year-old at a funeral. I think it is too young.

Kati0105 · July 2009

I think until a child is old enough to grasp the concept of death (in whatever way you choose to explain it to her), she should not attend a funeral. As you said, it will be confusing for her. For a memorial service at a home, I think it would be fine to bring her along to see BF's family, but for the actual church/cemetery parts I think it would be inappropriate.

kissybee · July 2009

I think that's really a parenting decision you get to make. Just be gentle, but clear when you articulate why. Our of curiosity though - how do your funerals go? We usually have the serious bit (at the church or funeral home) and then go for a "social". If yours is similar, you could compromise and bring her to the social part where it will be noisier/cheerier anyway.

julie_abeille · July 2009

She said that our daughter would have cheered everyone upWow, that's kind of weird. I guess my main concern would be how you think your daughter would react. I remember attending funerals when I was a young child and being pretty scared. I do think it's ok to bring her etiquette wise but I would ignore your BF's mom and do what you think is right.

Night_Sprite · July 2009

I think 2 is too young. You don't have to answer to anyone.

gkb0910 · July 2009

I actually don't see a problem with bringing her. When I was young, maybe about 4 (brother was 3), quite a few family members passed away. We went to all of the wakes and funerals. When young, it doesn't impact them as much. My parents explained in an age appropriate way what happened. Conversly, when my sisters were little, there weren't any wakes/funerals to attend. When they finally had to attend one when they were older, they didn't know what to expect and were more uncomfortable (not like it's ever easy to attend one). Plus, with my family, there's always a lot of food in the lounge and you can take a child out of the room if needed.

amalama · July 2009

I guess I just needed someone else to not act like I was being overprotective and crazy! BF agrees with me that our daughter is too young, but he also doesn't want to upset his mom and stepdad more. And then his mom says that grandma would want her there, and it's a little hard to argue with things like that. Usually I am incredible stubborn when it comes to what I think is right for her, but for some reason this I'm having trouble with.

Brie2010 · July 2009

I think 2 is too young. I would maybe bring her to a funeral luncheon, or something where there wasn't an actual dead body, but that's it. I'd honestly explain that you think she's a little young and you don't want the possibility of her crying to interrupt services, and then offer to bring her by after everything formal is done.

julie_abeille · July 2009

Our of curiosity though - how do your funerals go?That's a good point. On the Irish side of my family there is a lot of drinking and singing at funerals. Mostly drinking which isn't the best environment for a child to be around.

jbnbridal1 · July 2009

These are not 'close' relatives, and you are not comfortable with taking her, so don't. 2 is too young. We didn't take our own children to my FIL's funeral -the girls were 2 and 10 months. We did take my oldest daughter to her great-grandfather's funeral when she was 4...and that was only because she actually had a relationship with him. My favorite story about that is when we told her that Great-Grandpa was in Heaven now, she pointed to the casket and said: "No he's not. He's in that box!"

TiDa2009 · July 2009

I personally wouldn't take a toddler or a small child to a funeral. The age at which they are "ready" will be different for all kids and only the parents can determine that. If you don't feel comfortable taking her, don't. I would be scared that at that age she would be bored and would become disruptive. The way Kissy's family does funerals is similar to ours. There's always a social or supper at someone's house afterwards and I would feel comfortable bringing a child there. Good luck!

TiDa2009 · July 2009

I will add that if the child is really close to the person's who's died, I would probably take them. But only if it were a parent, grandparent, or sibling - someone that they'll notice missing even at a young age.

danieliza1127 · July 2009

I don't know...my brother and his wife brought their 6 month old and 3 year old to our grandpa's funeral back in January and they weren't disruptive at all. That family didn't know them well enough to fawn all over them and take attention away either so that wasn't an issue. In the end, you're the parent. If you aren't comfortable taking your daughter to a funeral, don't.

amalama · July 2009

Kissy-There is usually the church service and then a graveside service, then a lunch usually in the church hall. I am not positive about that part because this grandma belongs to a different church than FMIL's family, which have all been at the same church. But if there isn't a church lunch they will probably have something at their home. That's a good idea though, those usually aren't as serious or sad so it wouldn't be inappropriate to bring her. I am worried about her not sitting still for one, and I am also worried how she will react to a dead body. I just don't want to be insensitive to what BF's stepfather wants either, but FMIL just assumes that everyone wants our daughter around, and we don't really feel comfortable asking her husband about this.

TiDa2009 · July 2009

*to the person who's

danieliza1127 · July 2009

Wait, I'm sorry, I totally take that back. They didn't bring the 3 year old to the funeral. We picked him up afterward and took him to the luncheon that was held somewhere else. So yeah maybe 2 is too young.

betrothed123 · July 2009

I think it depends on the child. If you don't think she would be ready for it, or capabale of handling it/behaving in an appropriate manner, it's your perogative to say no. I honestly can't think of a situation where it would be appropriate for a 2 year old to attend a funeral.

wadingmoose · July 2009

My niece and nephews were at my grandpa's funeral. They were 2 at the time and they were fine.It was the 4 year old who didn't understand when to be quiet

But he knew who great-grandpa was and understood the funeral so it was fine.

Brittany Allison · July 2009

My son is 2 and I don't think I'd take him to a funeral yet. But I agree with PP, and would probably take him to the social part afterward if it was a family member. But I don't think you're being weird and overprotective.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt · July 2009

You do whatever you feel is right for your child. You're the parent, you get to make the decisions, end of story. Personally, I was exposed to funerals at a very young age (unfortunately). But, because of that, I think I have a very healthy opinion of death and handle it really well. My parents explained to me what Heaven was, and that our loved ones were there now, and it was never a scary thing for me. The sadness didn't come until I was old enough to really miss someone, but by that point, going to the funeral was the least of my concerns. I hope to do the same thing with my kids if the situation comes up.

diggitydog · July 2009

My parents took me to a funeral when I was 3 and I told everyone that my great aunt wasn't sleeping, she was dead. So, no, I think your daughter is too young for a funeral. My mom would agree- a 3 year old at a funeral is too unpredictable.

julie_abeille · July 2009

I am also worried how she will react to a dead bodyAttending funerals with an open casket gave me nightmares as a child. I was sort of an over sensitive kid anyways but I would be concerned about your daughter having the same reaction.

Peyton Lawrimore · July 2009

I did bring my DD to a funeral when she was 3, and because her dog had just died and we had to explain that to her, she grasped a little bit of the concept (it was out of state and I had her with me, so I didn't have much of a choice but to bring her). It wasn't a big deal because she didn't really understand what was going on. That being said, if you don't want to bring her, I wouldn't. It's completely a parenting decision that you and only you can make. This is a touchy subject for me because I had so many close family members die when I was young. There were 6 of us at home (my grandparents lived with us my whole life, along with my parents and my brother and me). My grandmother died when I was 11 (I "found" her, which was awful), my grandfather 3 years later, and my father when I was 17. I hate funerals and even more than that, I hated being made to "behave" at funerals when I was young - which according to my mother, meant no crying. So I'm a little biased, but funerals aren't really for children. It's hard enough on little ones when they lose a person who is close to them.

Lacynak · July 2009

I was 3 when my Great Grandpa died. I remember glimpses of the day. I remember leaning into his open casket and giving him a kiss. The memory is actually very peaceful in my mind.

lpstl · July 2009

I think it's incredibly inappropriate to bring a child that young to a funeral, especially since it sounds like she'll just be used to cheer people up. That's f*cked up.

wadingmoose · July 2009

Well. hooray for my inappropriate family.

ffmaid · July 2009

Funerals vary a lot by culture and custom. Even my moms and dads side of the family have very very very different customs even though both Catholic. I've been to funerals with almost nobody there, with hundreds there, that are sad and everyone weeping, that are religious to the point of fanatical, that are casual, that are formal, that have peopel telling corny jokes , that hev people laughing, that have people crying, that have everyone dressed up , that have people mainly in jeans, that have people in shorts and hawii shirts, jewish ,catholic ,muslim, bury at sea, non denominational, not religious. People where they have been dying a long time and are over 100, little kids funerals, ect Think of all the wedding variation and magnify that 100 fold. In my mind it is ok to take a kid but you must be ready to remove if it becomes inappropriate

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt · July 2009

Wading, my family is just like yours. At my grandfather's funeral, the pastor spoke only of happy memories. We laughed through the whole thing, cracked jokes in the limo, and rushed through the graveside service becaues it was -10 and grandpa would have told us we were effing crazy for standing out there in that cold. When my mom died, we were laughing as soon as humanly possible afterwards because we knew that's what she would have wanted. There were jokes and fun stories during the funeral and at the reception afterwards. I was devistated and missed my mom terribly, but that didn't stop me from laughing that day. It felt good, honestly, to stop crying for awhile and think of my mom in a happy way. Apparently we're freaks too

Funerals

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