Traditions

lecomptebaldridge · March 2010

I'm having an issue with my fiance'.
First of. I am Christian and my FI doesn't practice anything. I want my pastor to marry us and for that to happen he has to do just 1 bible study. Well, he'll do one but not with my pastor because he says its weird. He could do it with my brother but he said my brother is younger than him and that weird. Its just excuse after excuse. All he has to do is just sit there and listen. How hard is that?
Should I sacrifice my dream of getting married in the church I grew up, in by my pastor, just to make him happy?
I have been compromising alot throughout the whole wedding process. I wanted him to wear a soliid white tux. He wanted something different so I let him have that. I wanted a church wedding, and he wanted an outdoor wedding. I told him he can drink (alcohol) the day of the wedding so we had the church and he agreed. (I didn't want him to drink because I wanted him to be "aware" for our wedding nite. I wanted him to remember that night. I'm a virgin and he's not so its special for me.)
He wanted the rehearsal dinner at one place and I wanted it at another. So I let him have it where he wanted it.

Please someone help me!!!

MyNameIsNot · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_traditions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:2742470e-7ae6-4613-b73f-4189a23f7c08Post:dd3c433e-9bf3-4cdd-a710-48d28b23794f">Traditions</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm having an issue with my fiance'. First of. I am Christian and my FI doesn't practice anything. I want my pastor to marry us and for that to happen he has to do just 1 bible study. Well, he'll do one but not with my pastor because he says its weird. He could do it with my brother but he said my brother is younger than him and that weird. Its just excuse after excuse. All he has to do is just sit there and listen. How hard is that? Should I sacrifice my dream of getting married in the church I grew up, in by my pastor, just to make him happy? I have been compromising alot throughout the whole wedding process. I wanted him to wear a soliid white tux. He wanted something different so I let him have that. I wanted a church wedding, and he wanted an outdoor wedding. I told him he can drink (alcohol) the day of the wedding so we had the church and he agreed. (I didn't want him to drink because I wanted him to be "aware" for our wedding nite. I wanted him to remember that night. I'm a virgin and he's not so its special for me.) He wanted the rehearsal dinner at one place and I wanted it at another. So I let him have it where he wanted it. Please someone help me!!!
Posted by lecomptebaldridge[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You are compromising by letting him make his own decisions about what to wear and what to drink? This sounds like you are really controlling. </div><div>
</div><div>Your FI isn't Christian, and it's really unfair to expect him to pretend to be. I wouldn't want to get married in a church that didn't accept both me and my DH. If I were your FI, there's no way I would agree to do this. I think you need to go back to the pastor and explain that your FI is not Christian and is not interested in being Christian, and that making him study the bible is not right. If the pastor isn't willing to accept your FI for who he is, I think I'd be looking for someone else to perform the ceremony. I wouldn't want to be married by a pastor that didn't accept both of us.

</div>

britne28 · March 2010

First, it is disrespectful to push one's religious beliefs onto another, which is what you are doing by trying to get him to do bible study. Second, I am assuming he is a grown man, so unless he is a raging alcoholic you don't get to tell him whether he can drink or not. A marriage is supposed to be an equal team, not you dictating what you think should happen, and it doesn't you calling it all a compromise.

Instead of a bible study the two of you should consider pre-marital counseling. Because it doesn't sound like you are on the same page. Or if you are, there is mis-communication that just needs to be sorted out.

trix1223 · March 2010

Wow. Darlin', what you're doing isn't called compromise. It's called micromanaging. Your FI is a grown man. He gets to pick what he wears at his own wedding. You pick your dress, he picks his attire.

You're afraid that if he has a couple of drinks he won't be "aware" on his wedding night? That amused me.

Your FI is not a Christian and you are a devout Christian. This is a huge issue now and in the future. Have you two really thought this through? What will you do about raising children? How will your participation and support of your church play out with him?

I work in a church, and I think that you both need to be at least in agreement about the importance of having a faith-based wedding before using the church for your ceremony.

Why can't you compromise here? My DD and SIL wanted an outdoor ceremony, because it reflects their interests, but incorporating faith into it was also important to them.

So they had a beautiful faith-based outdoor ceremony performed by our recently retired minister.

I think you two have a lot of talking to do before you're ready to get married. And you need to stop being quite so controlling. Good luck to you both. I really hope you can work through this.

jenn.daniel · March 2010

Could the two of you do a Bible Study together? I think it'd be a good idea so he has a bit of an idea of where you're coming from.

Pirata13 · March 2010

And FYI, most couples are too tired to do much, if anything, on their wedding night. Telling him you'll "let" him drink alcohol the day of the wedding is not a good sign of how this relationship is going to go. Maybe you need some counseling before proceeding.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · March 2010

I agree with PP, but I have another suggestion.

Has your FI been to your church? Is he comfortable there? Does he refuse to go with you? Has he met your pastor? You might want to ease him into this lifestyle gradually, if he's willing.

Can you compromise with an outdoor ceremony with a pastor? Or a non-religious ceremony in a chapel?

Compromise is letting him pick the menu, the cake flavor, or have input on the color scheme and invitations. It is bringing him to the venues, photographer appointments and meetings with other vendors to get his opinion on who you should hire. It is planning a wedding TOGETHER and making decisions that suit you both, or letting one side that feels strongly make one decision and the other side make another decision. It is not letting him choose his attire or "letting" him drink. Those should be givens. I have no clue what my FI will wear. And neither does he! He plans to go pick out a tux 2-3 months before the wedding, which is FINE with me.

lecomptebaldridge · March 2010

the church won't let us use the church unless a minister does the ceremony. I have a justice of the peace already. I'm thinking we can do it in the back yard of the church. That way he has his way and mine in a way.

msmerymac- he has been to church with me several times and has met my pastor. He said church makes him a little uncomfortable so I told him he doesn't have to come.

He only came with me for getting the tuxes and looking at bridal party gifts. I asked him to come with me for all other stuff like the cake and stuff but he said he didn't care and to go with my family.

amagwire · March 2010

This sounds a little more serious than just what is happening on the wedding day. My fiance and I practice no faith, so we are on the same page. You and your fiance sound like you're on completely different paths. There's more to considered than just what happens on your wedding day.

Have you discussed what will happen when you have children? I assume you will want to raise Christian children, and as you have noted, your fiance is uncomfortable going to church. It sounds like there is no compromising there. It seems like you want what you want and if you don't get it, he's not "compromising" with you.

aerinpegadrak · March 2010

52% of married couples don't have sex on their wedding night. And most people will tell you that the first time they have sex is also not that great; sex is improved by awareness of what you and your partner like or don't like, and learning to respond to each other takes practice. (Our first time was kind of awkward and brief. It usually goes like that.)

You guys need to get into counseling ASAP. Religion plays a big role in any relationship, so you guys need to figure out how you're going to work this out NOW, before you go any further. How are you going to raise your kids? Can you accept him not going to church, or are you going to be trying to get him to come with you for the rest of your lives? He doesn't practice anything, but where does he stand philosophically? Where do YOU stand philosophically? Do you fully understand what you profess to believe? (Most Christians I've known don't.)

You need to be able to answer these questions before you get married, or you're in for a very difficult road where the odds overwhelmingly point to divorce. (Religion is right up there with infidelity and financial issues in leading causes of divorce.) It sounds like it would be more fair to your FI to seek counseling that isn't religous-based than whatever your church, since he's already said he's uncomfortable there.

I wish you luck, you have a lot of challenges facing you. You need to learn to communicate and truly compromise (and not just beat him into agreeing with you) now, because if you don't have that foundation, you're destined to become a statistic.

redheadfsu · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_traditions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:2742470e-7ae6-4613-b73f-4189a23f7c08Post:a1a146f6-b9a4-4db5-9d50-709fac4a8395">Re: Traditions</a>:
[QUOTE]the church won't let us use the church unless a minister does the ceremony. I have a justice of the peace already. I'm thinking we can do it in the back yard of the church. That way he has his way and mine in a way. msmerymac- he has been to church with me several times and has met my pastor. He said church makes him a little uncomfortable so I told him he doesn't have to come. He only came with me for getting the tuxes and looking at bridal party gifts. I asked him to come with me for all other stuff like the cake and stuff but he said he didn't care and to go with my family.
Posted by lecomptebaldridge[/QUOTE]

Why does the church make him uncomfortable? Are you two going to find a church you both like? Are you going to be hurt if he will never go to your church? What does he believe? What are you two going to do about your children?

Your first post did sound a little controlling. Sounds like you two need to work on communication. It doesn't sound like you have talked about the important stuff and or don't know how to talk to each other. If you haven't even talked about religion, I doubt you have talked/ asked the important questions about money, goals, etc. Sounds like you both need to work on your communication skills. Please do some pre-marital counseling.

Also just FYI, my first time hurt terribly so it might not be as special as you may think. Practice makes perfect. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

MyNameIsNot · March 2010

I agree with PP 100% about counselling. You talk about him like you barely know him, he doesn't care about your wedding at all, and the religion issue is a nightmare.

You don't sound like two people ready to make the commitment to spend their lives together at all. You sound like a couple that just started dating. You need to figure this out now, before you even think about getting married.

Putting in this work now might suck, but it's nothing compared to getting divorced.

aerinpegadrak · March 2010

FI and I actually talked at length about this when I told him about this post. And we came to the conclusion that you can't exactly compromise about religion, because it's such an integral part of who you are. All you can do is either decide to stop talking about it, or talk openly about it and possibly allow your mind to be changed. But that works much better when the gap is small.

FI knows a lot of religious people who married someone non-religious to "save" them, or because it's the person they lost their virginity to, or because they were desperate to lose their virginity. They're either divorced or miserable, one and all. His quote: "You don't have to be on the same page necessarily, but if you're not at least in the same chapter, it doesn't matter how much you love each other, it's not going to last."

I'm not saying that you can't figure this out and work through it, but it's not going to be easy, and you're both going to have to work on it.

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