The stress is really kicking in now---VENT

rachael7183 · June 2012

So, trying to pin down my final numbers for this wedding and my lovely future in laws decide "woops we didnt invite.... we should invite them..."...One month and 10 days before my wedding they are adding people on. It's really pissing me the f--- off because I was praying to be just under 200 or exactly 200. We were doing good there for a while and now, we are at 197 and there people we are hunting down to find out if they are coming. One of my fiance's uncle's is bringing his entire family ...they RSVP-ed for 6 people!! Sorry if this rant is hard to follow, I am just so mad. These are people that do not get that they need to cover their plate - - so they will show up with 6 people and leave us $200. It's just really aggravating me. The best is when people say "it's just two more people". Ok, well that's $300+ dollars out of my pocket!!! I really wish I eloped.

ceglare4 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_the-stress-is-really-kicking-in-now-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:a69a67c2-bd36-473e-a39b-2cd9f9fc9f45Post:b542ed2e-15ed-4530-a5d2-d247c5c99a65">The stress is really kicking in now---VENT</a>:
[QUOTE]So, trying to pin down my final numbers for this wedding and my lovely future in laws decide "woops we didnt invite.... we should invite them..."...One month and 10 days before my wedding they are adding people on. It's really pissing me the f--- off because I was praying to be just under 200 or exactly 200. We were doing good there for a while and now, we are at 197 and there people we are hunting down to find out if they are coming. One of my fiance's uncle's is bringing his entire family ...they RSVP-ed for 6 people!! Sorry if this rant is hard to follow, I am just so mad. These are people that do not get that they need to cover their plate - - so they will show up with 6 people and leave us $200. It's just really aggravating me. The best is when people say "it's just two more people". Ok, well that's $300+ dollars out of my pocket!!! I really wish I eloped.
Posted by rachael7183[/QUOTE]

Sorry, the bolded part is the only thing I took away from your post. Since when are guests expected to gift you as much money as you're spending on them?? This sounds totally rude IMO.

arunkumar · June 2012

No one needs to cover their plate. I think that's what most brides would like, but you shouldn't expect this. Have your FI explain that you do not have the budget or space to invite more people and that your in law's cannot invite more guests this close to your wedding.

rachael7183 · June 2012

Maybe it does sound rude, but I always make sure to cover my plate when I attend a wedding - - you have to figure that each person is costing at least $130(this is low for NYC/Suburbs of Manhattan)...maybe that's a New York thing because we dont tend to give "gifts" at the wedding, you usually leave a card with money. All of my friends that got married this year, all talked about the same thing...

rachael7183 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_the-stress-is-really-kicking-in-now-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:a69a67c2-bd36-473e-a39b-2cd9f9fc9f45Post:ad373b52-c828-4b3a-a04b-64e01f944178">Re: The stress is really kicking in now---VENT</a>:
[QUOTE]No one needs to cover their plate. I think that's what most brides would like, but you shouldn't expect this. Have your FI explain that you do not have the budget or space to invite more people and that your in law's cannot invite more guests this close to your wedding.
Posted by arunkumar[/QUOTE]

Yes, he has got to put his foot down. We really dont have the budget for more than 200.

colleenm18 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_the-stress-is-really-kicking-in-now-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:a69a67c2-bd36-473e-a39b-2cd9f9fc9f45Post:c79ba383-3cd0-4f4d-8ea5-5e689c7a2fc3">Re: The stress is really kicking in now---VENT</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe it does sound rude, but I always make sure to cover my plate when I attend a wedding - - you have to figure that each person is costing at least $130(this is low for NYC/Suburbs of Manhattan)...maybe that's a New York thing because we dont tend to give "gifts" at the wedding, you usually leave a card with money. All of my friends that got married this year, all talked about the same thing...
Posted by rachael7183[/QUOTE]

I understand that this is what you do.. I also do this when I attend a wedding. However it is not required! No guest is required to bring you any sort of gift at all so yes it is very rude for you to make this statement and I am sure that any board you post on will agree.

YuMMMy721 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_the-stress-is-really-kicking-in-now-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:a69a67c2-bd36-473e-a39b-2cd9f9fc9f45Post:b342772b-d606-4773-8218-de1b28f1711b">Re: The stress is really kicking in now---VENT</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to The stress is really kicking in now---VENT : Sorry, the bolded part is the only thing I took away from your post. Since when are guests expected to gift you as much money as you're spending on them?? This sounds totally rude IMO.
Posted by ceglare4[/QUOTE]

I completely agree. You shouldn't ever expect to make your money back. Guests are not expected to pay for themselves!! Very Rude!!

butterflyjumper1 · June 2012

I understand the annoyance of FIL's adding to the guest list - that is super frustrating and difficult at this point in the planning process.

However, I totally agree with the others about "paying for their plate." While I think this is something lots of brides think about, it absolutely is not expected or required. lots of my guests could never afford to give us that much cash - and I wouldn't want them to, or expect them to. If this was a post on the etiquette board, you would probably get your head cut off by them! Luckily we are nice here

Carla1019 · June 2012

I understand you are stressed. And I agree that it is best to keep your expectations low when it comes to receiving money.

On another note, you WILL have guests RSVP Yes and not show. Try and remember that it will balance out in the end. No need to stress.

rachael7183 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_the-stress-is-really-kicking-in-now-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:a69a67c2-bd36-473e-a39b-2cd9f9fc9f45Post:a0dea0ab-1f83-4e55-80dd-ef56c37450ea">Re: The stress is really kicking in now---VENT</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand the annoyance of FIL's adding to the guest list - that is super frustrating and difficult at this point in the planning process. However, I totally agree with the others about "paying for their plate." While I think this is something lots of brides think about, it absolutely is not expected or required. lots of my guests could never afford to give us that much cash - and I wouldn't want them to, or expect them to. If this was a post on the etiquette board, you would probably get your head cut off by them! Luckily we are nice here :)
Posted by butterflyjumper1[/QUOTE]

But, you admit that this is something most brides think of...obviously you dont expect everyone to do this but, I should have explained myself better - - for example, we invited Mr. and Mrs. Bob Smith (Not Mr. and Mrs. Bob Smith and Family) but they RSVP-ed for themselves plus their four adult children. My post was out of frustration.

rachael7183 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_the-stress-is-really-kicking-in-now-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:a69a67c2-bd36-473e-a39b-2cd9f9fc9f45Post:43ca164d-1a67-4686-96fb-0fa9e8b22edb">Re: The stress is really kicking in now---VENT</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand you are stressed. And I agree that it is best to keep your expectations low when it comes to receiving money. On another note, you WILL have guests RSVP Yes and not show. Try and remember that it will balance out in the end. No need to stress.
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]

That's actually worse for me if they dont show because I still pay for them...unfortunately we have to pay in full three days prior to the wedding, and we do not get $$ back for no shows.

lvissers · June 2012

I think you should let your uncle know his entire family wasn't invited if they weren't and they "added themselves" when they rsvp'd. This way you won't hold any resentment. We are keeping very strict to our guest list and not allowing any extra's that were not included on the invitation. Our per person prices are about $250 and it's how we cut our guest list quite a bit. We had to think "would we ever take out this person or that person out to a $250 dinner?" I however do not expect my guests to gift me with $250 or $500/couple worth of cash/presents. That would be ridiculous to expect.

ceglare4 · June 2012

Yes, if he added guests that weren't invited, you are justified in explaining to him that the family wasn't invited with him. That's fine.

And just FYI, everybody will be screwed over if there are no-shows. It's not just you. Everyone pays up front so if people don't come, you lose money. That's the way it is though, so no sense in stressing about it now.

rachael7183 · June 2012

I am definitely in a different situation then most of you - - marrying into an Albanian Family. They do not get american traditions at all, at least my fiance's family...they dont send out invitiations usually, they do not RSVP and they will just show up a wedding uninvited and expect the reception hall to make them a table some place. My own FFIL decided to cut his list down because he knew we were paying much more than they tend to pay per person because they always pick QUANITY over QUALITY...

And, actually I know a lot of places that dont make you pay until the evening of so you have a better calculation of cost and people.

rachael7183 · June 2012

Didnt know I would get ripped a new one for my vent! Sorry ladies!!

ceglare4 · June 2012

You're absolutely right. None of us have difficult guests, difficult families, people that don't RSVP, random guests that show up, no-shows, people adding themselves to the RSVP card, etc. etc. etc.

It doesn't matter which way you slice it, your thought process of people needing to pay for their plates is rude. I went to a wedding last summer and my FI and I brought $20. oh.my.gawd $20!! How were we not skewered on the spot??

I get that you're stressed, but some perspective might help you here.

rachael7183 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_the-stress-is-really-kicking-in-now-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:a69a67c2-bd36-473e-a39b-2cd9f9fc9f45Post:0ffceeb5-ae59-4574-8550-21787538a9d3">Re: The stress is really kicking in now---VENT</a>:
[QUOTE]You're absolutely right. None of us have difficult guests, difficult families, people that don't RSVP, random guests that show up, no-shows, people adding themselves to the RSVP card, etc. etc. etc. It doesn't matter which way you slice it, your thought process of people needing to pay for their plates is rude. I went to a wedding last summer and my FI and I brought $20. oh.my.gawd $20!! How were we not skewered on the spot?? I get that you're stressed, but some perspective might help you here.
Posted by ceglare4[/QUOTE]

WOW, dont take it so personally. And no, I did not say that I am the only with stress, aggravation, etc...obviously that's something all people planning a wedding will eventually have at some point. My post may have come off rude to you, so therefore I apologize for that. We are all different and we all come from different areas so maybe what is OK and acceptable for YOU is different for others. I realize that I cannot expect everyone to do what my FI and I would do. My vent and aggravation was the way I was feeling in that moment...no need for you to get so worked up and take it so personally.

ceglare4 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_the-stress-is-really-kicking-in-now-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:a69a67c2-bd36-473e-a39b-2cd9f9fc9f45Post:785d7dbc-1bff-471f-bbb5-9078a84aacc6">Re: The stress is really kicking in now---VENT</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The stress is really kicking in now---VENT : WOW, dont take it so personally. And no, I did not say that I am the only with stress, aggravation, etc...obviously that's something all people planning a wedding will eventually have at some point. My post may have come off rude to you, so therefore I apologize for that. We are all different and we all come from different areas so maybe what is OK and acceptable for YOU is different for others. I realize that I cannot expect everyone to do what my FI and I would do. My vent and aggravation was the way I was feeling in that moment...no need for you to get so worked up and take it so personally.
Posted by rachael7183[/QUOTE]

I didn't, but thanks for the suggestion!

rachael7183 · June 2012

FYI...I am not the only person in the world that goes by this rule of thumb!

http://www.yoursmartmoneymoves.com/2012/04/27/how-much-do-i-give-for-a-wedding-gift/

LADY324 · June 2012

To avoid all conflict you guys should have called the uncle and told him the invite was for him and his wife and not his entire family. Also tell your FMIL that you can not afford to pay for the other people and if she wants to add them last minute that she has to pay for them.

Also don't expect everyone to cover their plate or else you are going to be really disappointed. Some people will give you $50 bucks per person and some will give you $150 bucks per person. Everyone is in a different financial situation. FI keeps trying to estimate how much we are going to get. I am not even thinking about the money part. I am just thinking about getting married and having an awesome wedding with our family and friends.

If you knew your FI's family also will just show up at your wedding I would have estimated our headcount to be higher and would be prepared to pay for them god forbid 15 extra people come and you guys are short on cash. Then what are you going to do?

ceglare4 · June 2012

Holy crap LADY, I just looked at your ticker and everyone and their brother is coming to your wedding! That's crazy!! You must feel so loved haha

LADY324 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_the-stress-is-really-kicking-in-now-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:a69a67c2-bd36-473e-a39b-2cd9f9fc9f45Post:5df1cf72-d2bd-45ee-b52d-c52412d8dfc2">Re: The stress is really kicking in now---VENT</a>:
[QUOTE]Holy crap LADY, I just looked at your ticker and everyone and their brother is coming to your wedding! That's crazy!! You must feel so loved haha
Posted by ceglare4[/QUOTE]

Lol seriously everyone's saying yes which makes me want to throw up picturing all of those people while I walk down the aisle!! I am hoping for about 15 more no and we are in really good shape then!!

rachael7183 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_the-stress-is-really-kicking-in-now-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:a69a67c2-bd36-473e-a39b-2cd9f9fc9f45Post:f48ec327-efa3-4239-a2b5-f0ef77ecfcfa">Re: The stress is really kicking in now---VENT</a>:
[QUOTE]To avoid all conflict you guys should have called the uncle and told him the invite was for him and his wife and not his entire family. Also tell your FMIL that you can not afford to pay for the other people and if she wants to add them last minute that she has to pay for them. Also don't expect everyone to cover their plate or else you are going to be really disappointed. Some people will give you $50 bucks per person and some will give you $150 bucks per person. Everyone is in a different financial situation. FI keeps trying to estimate how much we are going to get. I am not even thinking about the money part. I am just thinking about getting married and having an awesome wedding with our family and friends. If you knew your FI's family also will just show up at your wedding I would have estimated our headcount to be higher and would be prepared to pay for them god forbid 15 extra people come and you guys are short on cash. Then what are you going to do?
Posted by LADY324[/QUOTE]

Very true! Believe me, we cut out list from 335 people to 250, we know that we CAN afford to go to 230 but we did not want to do that...Our frustration is also that alot of the people on his side that we had to invite are people we dont know from a hole in the wall...but out of "respect" because his father was invited to their son's wedding (etc etc etc), they had to be invited to ours...I really meant no disrespect to any one when I said I am in a different situation, because culturally and traditionally I really am!

brandichamberlain · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_the-stress-is-really-kicking-in-now-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:a69a67c2-bd36-473e-a39b-2cd9f9fc9f45Post:862cc971-2188-4eac-9f84-fb9f2d7888ff">Re: The stress is really kicking in now---VENT</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The stress is really kicking in now---VENT : Very true! Believe me, we cut out list from 335 people to 250, we know that we CAN afford to go to 230 but we did not want to do that...Our frustration is also that alot of the people on his side that we had to invite are people we dont know from a hole in the wall...but out of "respect" because his father was invited to their son's wedding (etc etc etc), they had to be invited to ours...I really meant no disrespect to any one when I said I am in a different situation, because culturally and traditionally I really am!
Posted by rachael7183[/QUOTE]

How do you know that know one else here is marrying into the same type of family as you?

LADY324 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_the-stress-is-really-kicking-in-now-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:a69a67c2-bd36-473e-a39b-2cd9f9fc9f45Post:862cc971-2188-4eac-9f84-fb9f2d7888ff">Re: The stress is really kicking in now---VENT</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The stress is really kicking in now---VENT : Very true! Believe me, we cut out list from 335 people to 250, we know that we CAN afford to go to 230 but we did not want to do that...Our frustration is also that alot of the people on his side that we had to invite are people we dont know from a hole in the wall...but out of "respect" because his father was invited to their son's wedding (etc etc etc), they had to be invited to ours...I really meant no disrespect to any one when I said I am in a different situation, because culturally and traditionally I really am!
Posted by rachael7183[/QUOTE]

My FMIL did this too and it drove me nuts. FI doesn't know 1/2 the people on his mothers list which really pissed me off b/c they are people that she never even sees herself. But they are paying for 1/2 of our wedding so unfortunately we didn't have a say. Those are the people that I am hoping say no!

rachael7183 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_the-stress-is-really-kicking-in-now-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:a69a67c2-bd36-473e-a39b-2cd9f9fc9f45Post:37a2b408-bfde-42c1-9b8f-900649ec16a1">Re: The stress is really kicking in now---VENT</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The stress is really kicking in now---VENT : How do you know that know one else here is marrying into the same type of family as you?
Posted by brandichamberlain[/QUOTE]

If there is please come out and let me know, it would be really fun to talk about the albanian traditions and if its different in other states!

butterflyjumper1 · June 2012

LADY I thought our number of no's was pretty low considering guests have only had their invites since May 26-ish, but your number of no's is incredible!!! I keep hoping for more no's but they just aren't coming!

LADY324 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_the-stress-is-really-kicking-in-now-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:a69a67c2-bd36-473e-a39b-2cd9f9fc9f45Post:33bc581c-2f17-4868-9400-1d78f3f2e458">Re: The stress is really kicking in now---VENT</a>:
[QUOTE]LADY I thought our number of no's was pretty low considering guests have only had their invites since May 26-ish, but your number of no's is incredible!!! I keep hoping for more no's but they just aren't coming!
Posted by butterflyjumper1[/QUOTE]

haha I guess everyone just likes us since we are a cool couple ;)

colleenm18 · June 2012

Every time we get RSVPs in the mail FI and I hope for a no.. so far we are rather low as well!

Carla1019 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_the-stress-is-really-kicking-in-now-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:a69a67c2-bd36-473e-a39b-2cd9f9fc9f45Post:cb24e3c3-466d-406a-b848-5b965a5e7237">Re: The stress is really kicking in now---VENT</a>:
[QUOTE]I am definitely in a different situation then most of you - - marrying into an Albanian Family. They do not get american traditions at all, at least my fiance's family...they dont send out invitiations usually, they do not RSVP and they will just show up a wedding uninvited and expect the reception hall to make them a table some place. My own FFIL decided to cut his list down because he knew we were paying much more than they tend to pay per person because they always pick QUANITY over QUALITY... And, actually I know a lot of places that dont make you pay until the evening of so you have a better calculation of cost and people.
Posted by rachael7183[/QUOTE]

You are not alone and I don't think anyone here is "ripping you a new one". I'm also marrying into a different culture. African. Normally their weddings are 500+ guests that lasts 2 days and no one RSVPs and they show up as a community. There is no such thing as invitation only weddings.

I think the ladies here are trying to help you to understand that you can vent but keep your expectations low no matter where you are or who you are. If you must have a "host/bouncer" at your door to make sure Uncle Bring-Everyone doesn't go against your wishes than so be it. Make a plan, hold your ground and enjoy your day.

kidlets2 · June 2012

Ok but if you could only afford 200 people, why did you invite more than 200?

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