I have struggled with this....

Future.Mrs.Shawty · July 2009

...from the beginning.Ok.I have one older sister and two younger sisters. Without getting into too much detail, I do NOT get along wtih my older sister (3 years older than me). I was a rebellious teenager when I was about 16 years old and put my parents through things that I can only pray that my children don't dish back to me. I am extremely regretful for the things I put my parents through. It actually brings me to tears when I talk to them about it and about how bad I feel. I think I have that reaction BECAUSE I'm a mother and can't imagine going through that.Anyway....My older sister has held a major grudge toward me and basically can't stand me and judges me for the decisions I made as a teenager. Decisions that didn't effect her in the slightest (at the time she was 19 and away from home).We sort of made amends when my daughter was born, but that was short-lived. Now for the part I struggle with: inviting her to the wedding.When she first heard about the wedding, she told my mom she had no intentions of coming because "this isn't her first marriage, so what's the big deal." (She lives in OK). I was hurt.Also, what pisses me off is that I wanted nothing to do with going to her wedding in 2006, but my parents MADE me. They bought me a plane ticket, said I had to come because she was my sister and then made me pay them back for the ticket. Whatev.So - I've pretty much decided I don't want to invite her. Not only because of the ways she judges me, but because she always has something $hitty to say because she thinks she's better than everyone else, but because she's a spotlight hog as well, and I don't want to deal with that on mine and Brad's wedding day. She just has such negative energy and I just don't want it.Then - the better side of me says that I need to be the bigger person and extend the invitation even knowing she has no intention of coming. It really kinda makes my stomach turn to think about sending her an invitation. Because I don't want her to think I really want her there? Does that make sense? But I also don't want this life-long fued (at the same time...I don't want to really be her friend either). Ugh. Why can't it be easier when it comes to family.So should I send the invitation or not? I have one week to decide.PS. My other sisters can't stand her either, but they put up with her so they can hang out with my twin neice and nephew. They all 3 live in OK. And my mom is pretty appauled with her behavior most of the time, too.

Future.Mrs.Shawty · July 2009

Correction to paragraph above...So - I've pretty much decided I don't want to invite her. Not only because of the ways she judges me, but because she always has something $hitty to say because she thinks she's better than everyone else. And also she's a spotlight hog as well, and I don't want to deal with that on mine and Brad's wedding day. She just has such negative energy and I just don't want it.

jeremy.teresa · July 2009

I'm going to say absolutely do not invite her. I don't get the feeling that you want her there, and you shouldn't do it JUST b/c your mom, or whoever else, says you need to. I have quite a few family members that I am in the situation with and I didn't hesitate about my decision. You aren't trying to be mean. You are being realistic. You know your sister better than most, and you shouldn't have any ill feelings on asking any guest to be part of your day. Save yourself the headache and don't worry about it. The day is about you and Brad. If your mom gets upset you didn't invite her, just politely remind her that you did what you felt was best. If you need to talk, you are always welcome to email me. Hugs girl!!

Future.Mrs.Shawty · July 2009

My mom has known from the beginning that I don't want to invite her and she's actually not said anything to me about HAVING to invite her. She understands completely where I'm coming from. I know my mom wishes it was different between us, but she also understands why it's not.I didn't send my sister a STD either and I think that's when my mom knew I was serious.I just feel like I should be the bigger person...

vaughnar · July 2009

I agree with J.T! From your post it sounds like you really don't want her there (for some excellent reasons) and are in fact afraid she might ruin your happy day, but you also don't want it to be a life-long fued (because even though you don't want to be her friend you also don't want to be her arch nemisis). I am sure you can think of someone to go in her spot that is a lot more loving and caring of you and would truly love to be invited. Only invite the people who you couldn't think the day would be rememberable without and share it with them:)HTH!

Future.Mrs.Shawty · July 2009

But what if she throws a curveball and DOES come??? I reallllly truly don't want her there.

mrsschroeder1 · July 2009

I am in kind of the same situation, but, with DF's sister. DF and I use to get along with her until she married this man, who we didn't approve of. I mean the first time we met this guy, he said "I am a genius. I am so smart the can't even test my IQ" (Hope that made you LOL!) She was not invited to my house for Christmas this year, but, showed up anyway. I was the bigger person and let her in. (They do have 2 kids) I haven't talked to her since then. I am inviting them only because it is DF's sister. If her husband is annoying my guests, they will be asked to leave!It is YOUR day. You make the decision. If you want to make ammends, maybe call her before the invite goes out. Have a adult conversation and tell her exactly what is on you are feeling. If she hangs up, doesn't want to listen, etc. at least you tried!

jeremy.teresa · July 2009

I completely understand where you are coming from, Erin. You want to be the bigger person, but you still have reservations. My mom has reacted the same way towards me on certain people's invites. She knows how I feel and yet wants me to do the "right" thing. To me, the right thing is to not have people there that I don't want to have anything to do with.I know this is such a hard situation, but I have learned that sometimes being the bigger person means that you just have to let things be. Only you can know how you will feel in either situation. I am generally in favor of the gut feeling is usually the right answer.

stosha1 · July 2009

I agree with Mrs Schroeder. Try and call her and tell her that you're tired of your relationship and you're tired of the space between you. Both of you are going to have to give a little and let things go in order to get to a place where you can understand each other.See if she seems receptive. If she is not, sh*t on her and send the invite to meeeeeeeeeeeee!

Future.Mrs.Shawty · July 2009

hahahaha Carrie! Actually - she's NEVER been included in the guest count. I didn't even make an invitation for her. I'd have to actually MAKE one to send to her. I just have this thought that people that share in your wedding day should be people that support you individually or support you two as a couple. She does neither.

econner42 · July 2009

I'm sorry that your relationship is like this with your sister, but just b/c she's your sister does not mean that you have to invite her to your wedding. I am not inviting the whole side of my mom's family, other than my gma, b/c of a huge family feud. B/c you call someone family doesn't entitle them to be included in your special day and the way that I did my guest list was whoever has been close to Kevin and I and has seen us through all our good and bad times is who we invited - mostly friends. I think that if you do invite her you will be unconsciously focused on her on your big day - wondering what she's going to say or how she's going to steal your and Brad's spotlight. I say don't invite her. You don't have to be "the bigger person" here b/c it sounds like you have already tried that and obviously it didn't work the first time. Your wedding day is not a time to waste your positive energy on anyone that does not deserve it. I hope you find a decision that you will be happy with internally - not one that others will be happy with.

tdmd09 · July 2009

Erin,I am going through something very similar right now. Due to financial irresponsibility, my mom called me last week and said she's not coming. I won't get into the details, but she never made an effort to save up money for a plane ticket, and instead bullied a family member into paying for her, and then that family member backed out. Which stinks, but I've been engaged for a year and a half. Saving $20 a month would have gotten her enough money to come to my wedding. And she never even tried to handle this herself.If I really, really, really wanted to, I could probably scrape together the money to pay for my mom to be there at my wedding. But we have a very rough relationship and honestly, most of my wedding stress has revolved around "OMG what if Mom does X Y and Z at my wedding?" So part of me is relieved she's not coming.BUT, I do have the "she's the mother of the bride, she should be there" voice nagging me in the back of my head. And then there's the "you'll regret not having your mother there" voice. But you know what? I don't know if I will regret not having her there. I don't think I will.So, anyway, how this relates to you: it's your decision whether to invite her or not. If you don't want her there and don't think it would magically reunite you to have her at your wedding, just don't do it. Don't let anyone talk you into "But it's your sister!" The idea is to surround yourself and Brad with people you guys love and care about, and who will be there to support your marriage. If she doesn't fall into that category, then her presence is not necessary.Good luck with what you decide -- it's a crummy position to be in. :-/

Mrs42509 · July 2009

I agree with Carrie totally though I know exactly how your feeling with the sister drama. If she does come I think you'll be so busy you'll barely notice her. If anything ask your Mom to try to keep her under control. Be the bigger and better person. Don't add fuel to the fire.

jarmstrong23 · July 2009

Wow, look what all I miss when I sleep till 8AM! Sheesh! First off, Carrie makes me laugh. And that's saying something when the coffee hasn't even kicked in yet

Next... here's the point that no one else has made... Do you want your children to have any sort of relationship with this sister? I know this seems like a bizarre question to ask, but-- this day is as much a part of THEIR lives as it is for you and Brad (at least I'm pretty sure that's how you want it). The only reason I bring this up is because of my observations of my own family vs. my FIs family. In my life, I have close to zero relationship when it comes to the few aunts, uncles, and cousins that I do have because of the relationship had between my mom and her siblings. FIs family experience is totally different from mine-- he's close to his cousins and his aunts and uncles because of the sustained relationship between his mother and her siblings. Seeing how his family acts with one another makes me admire the memories and relationship they all share. Has it all been peaches and cream for those sisters? Absolutely not. But they have always put their family first, for the sake of the rest of the family and not necessarily just for the own sake. Since she lives in OK, there probably isn't (and most likely never will be) a close relationship between your sister and your kids. I get that.

But, in the end, this could be not only a new beginning for you and Brad, but a fresh start for you and your sis. Plus, like Carrie said, if you DON'T invite her, it sounds like one more thing she'll use to poison your relationship with her. Write her a letter. A real, pen and paper letter. Say exactly what you want to say (your wishes, your fears, your understanding of why things are the way they are, but your desire to do the right thing, etc.) See what happens. It honesly sounds like it couldn't get any "worse" than it is right now, but it has the potential to bring some good into the relationship. Don't you just love overly optimistic people like me? ;-)

Future.Mrs.Shawty · July 2009

Is it bad that I don't see the loss of a relationship of my kids and her to be detrimental?? My kids have their grandparents and my other two sisters that they love and adore and get so excited to see. I know that sounds horrible. And the only downside for me in not being able to have a relationship with my sister is that I have no relationship with her twins (they are Austin's age....and today they turn 4). We don't get presents for each others kids - nothing. No phone calls on holidays. Nothing.But, you're right, being so far from each other means there is no real close relationship anyway.

Future.Mrs.Shawty · July 2009

I guess I'm searching for a reason to change my mind about inviting her. A GOOD reason. And I haven't found it yet. Because it truly does not bother me to lose her from my life. Though, I've always been the kind of person to let go of ugly people no matter what they meant to me at one point or another. I just don't do well with drama, therefore I purge fairly easily.

jarmstrong23 · July 2009

No, it's not bad. It's realistic

And if your kids have a good relationship with their other aunts/cousins (or future cousins) then that's geat! I still think you should invite her because you're inviting your other sisters, but that's how I operate when it comes to inviting guests. For example, I enjoy seeing some of my 2nd cousins, but not all of them. As a result (and due to money constraints) I'm not inviting any of my 2nd cousins. Likewise, I like most of my 1st cousins (but not all) and as a result, I'm inviting all 1st cousins to keep it consistent. But, that's just how I operate and it makes it easier to answer the "How come so-and-so wasn't invited?" questions I'll get after/during the wedding. It makes it less personal to say "I couldn't invite all of my 2nd cousins, so I just didn't invite any" as opposed to saying why I picked and chose certain people over others. She probably won't accept, but if she does accept, I'm sure you'll be so occupied the day of to even really notice her that much. Everyone's right-- it IS your decision and your special day with your family and you SHOULD have guests that are only supportive of you and your decisions. But, you also need to be able to answer the questions of why all of your sisters (except one) are in the family photos of your wedding day. Would you rather say "She wasn't invited." or would you rather say "She chose not to come." If you're comfortable saying both of those answers, I think you have your answer. Likewise, if you're NOT comfortable saying both of those, I think you have your answer as well

(Yeah, I'm twisted and screwed up in the head, but this is how I think of things like this!)

DavidsRaindrop · July 2009

My cousin had similar problems with her sister. She decided in the end to send an invitation......but she sent it one week before the wedding. The sister who is a *itch got and invite and couldn't complain, but there was no way she could make it to the wedding cause the invite was so late.

abbey&josh · July 2009

I, too, am in a similar situation. I have 3 sisters. One is the MOH and I don't get along with the other 2. Of those two I am inviting one (and she probably won't come), but wouldn't even consider inviting the other. You have to do what you think is right, and only you know. It seems like you've already decided but are feeling guilty about it, which you definitely SHOULDN'T! As for regretting it later, I think you'd know now if you'll regret it later. I am abosolutely positive I will not regret not inviting my manipulative, cold-blooded B**CH of a sister (and she's not even the one whose son I have!), but I think I would regret it with the other one. You'll make the right decision. Hugs and good luck!!!

tia0314 · July 2009

Wow- I missed a lot too. I'm going to be honest and say don't invite her. Being the bigger person I think doesn't apply to letting yourself be selfish and want to have the time of your life on your wedding day. There will most likely be other times where you can be the bigger person. I feel like for most of us wedding planning is so stressful sometimes that you know you want to be rewarded when the day finally comes. With especially all you have done to make this day special for you and Brad, and the kids, I think you should enjoy every minute of it. You obviously don't want her there and if inviting her means you'd be the bigger person, but probably not have a great time, then I say don't invite her. She's your sister, but Brad is going to be your husband and that's really all that matters. It sucks that you don't have a relationship with her, but it is what it is. HTH.

LES8419 · July 2009

Well after reading through the other poster's responses and your replies to their comments, I think you have your answer. It seems that you personally do not see a benefit to inviting her, and are more stressed about inviting her than any other emotion. When you said, "what if she throws a curveball and shows up anyway?" pointed out to me that you don't really want her there. Which is obviously perfectly ok! If she has never done anything to support you or your relationship with your future husband, and you don't think inviting her is going to cause a reconciliation, and the negatives of inviting her outweigh benefits, then I think you've got your answer. Good luck, and I hope that you can make your decision soon and be able to move onto more positive things!

stosha1 · July 2009

I am still going to stand by my original post.At some point, one of you is just going to have to break down and try to forgive the other one. Yeah, it sucks. Yeah you don't feel like you should have to. But I think somewhere there's an unwritten rule that you should TRY to have a better relationship with her. Try to understand things from her point of view. (which is wrong (of course) but at least make a real effort to try). At the end of the day, harboring all of this disdain towards your sister isn't a good thing. And, you should set a good example for your kids. What if they grew up and hated each other over stupid stuff? You'd be ripped apart, just like I can imagine your mom is. I think you'll be too busy to even notice that she's there if she does come. I would go with Teresa's idea and write her a pen/paper letter OR CALL HER. Tell her you care and tell her your fears just like JT said. Just let the crap between you go and agree to disagree over the past. And if she still insists on being a huge B then just say "whatev". At least you can say you tried.The crappy part of this whole situation is that you wouldn't be re-evaluating your relationship with your sister if you weren't getting married. It's only one day of the rest of your life with Brad. Chances are she will try to make another day in your future really bad too! Trying to chop down "the beast" sooner rather than later is probably a good idea.

onlymels · July 2009

If she is that negative and you believe she is going to affect multiple members of your family in a negative way I wouldn not extend an invite to her. Because besides you wanting to enjoy this day other members of your family want to enjoy it with you and it wouldn't be nice to have a negative nancy there making it miserable for not only you but your sisters and your mother. I know my FI doesn't want to invite his sister in law she's very very rude to everyone and nobody likes her a bit but we know she would throw a fit and his brother probably wouldn't come if we didn't invite her which would suck because he's a groomsman. So I'm hoping she holds her evil witchy tongue.

mrswalters515 · July 2009

I would say invite her, from what you say she probably won't come anyway. She is your sister and life is too short. If you dont invite her she probably will throw that in your face and you could regret it.

I have struggled with this....

Re: I have struggled with this....

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