s/o teen pregnancy- talking about it

pdxmouse · July 2009

How do you guys plan on talking about it (hopefully before it happens)? When will you start? My parents were pretty terrible. My mom explained the mechanics and said to be sure to have sex with someone before marrying them because of compatibility. No one ever discussed b/c and my dad thought only slutty women got pg because you can't get pregnant the first time. Mr M's parents got it kind of right. He has had one other partner and they waited until they felt they could at least handle the consequences of unintended pregnancy even if it would be life-changing, then used two forms of protection every time. We used two forms of protection every time until he had a job that could reasonably support us and we were living together. Now, Mr M's dad basically told him that women will lie and get pregnant on purpose* so not to leave birth control up to them. That's not the direction I'd ever take, but I do think a few talks emphasizing that birth control is not ever just the woman's responsibility and to protect themselves might have a similar effect. With Bug I don't know that I'd want her to feel like b/c wasn't ultimately her responsibility so I might end up in the hippo crate. I'm not sure there's a way to emphasize "do everything you can to not get pregnant" and "sexual responsibility should be mutual" to a teen and I think I'll ere on the side of whichever will do the least harm. But I'm not quite sure when to begin these talks. She shudders whenever I mention that someday she'll probably want to kiss someone. * Mr M's older brother was born 7 months after their marriage

modb1rd · July 2009

you could do what my folks did. raise Bug on a working farm. I saw plenty of sex and babies (granted all of the animal kind). I knew how it worked and no one ever had to talk to me. ;-)

wingedbride · July 2009

My parents got one of those movies that you rent that has an after school special plot and then periodic "breaks" with a discussion question. I think I blocked most of it out. I also found a vibrator and a picture book of 300 something sexual positions in their bedroom, which was much more informative.

Vinny08 · July 2009

My impression is that you have a very open relationship that is full of mutual respect with Bug. I think you are already on the right track with that.I am thinking I am going to let it happen as naturally as possible. Once he starts making observations, talking about girls in a "Hey, she's cute" rather than "Girls have cooties" kind of way, I am going to open those doors.My niece is already asking questions about sex and has said that a friend said that sex is "kissing on private parts." She is 7.

pdxmouse · July 2009

Did that help you not get k/u Winged?I've given the reproduction talk and I mentioned b/c and stds, but we were both getting a little freaked out at that point so I didn't make the convo longer than I had to. I basically left it with "come to me with questions and we'll talk about it more when you're older and curious."

mashedpotato · July 2009

I've talked to my son about it a lot, I'd hate for him to follow in my footsteps. to my knowledge he's still a virgin at 16, though I don't expect him to be one forever. We've talked about birth control and how he needs to be in control of his own health and future and the girl telling him she's on the pill isn't enough, he needs to take responsibility too. I've shown him where the condoms are in our local stores although I haven't purchased them for him, but I told him I would when/if he needed me to. I don't want him to have any excuses.

Vinny08 · July 2009

Oh, and my sex education came from my brother (6 years older than me), my sister (4 years older than me), and snooping in my parents bedroom (I was such a nosey f**ker. It has taught me to be very careful about what I have in my room). My brother always thought it was very funny to set me in front of the TV and turn on the Playboy channel when I was 5.

modb1rd · July 2009

Mashed you are a good mom. Vinny you just reminded me of the time that I found my older brother's porn stash and my adoption papers. In the same drawer. I was 8.

wingedbride · July 2009

Well, I did not get knocked up, but I did have lots and lots of sex and some of it was unprotected and some was with guys who names I did not really care to know, so I think it's effectiveness was not high.

GroomzMcFinehiney · July 2009

I don't think it's a single conversation. It's kinda like teaching your kid about religion, cultures, racism, science, tv show history. I see it as an ongoing conversation over several years with different levels of information based on age. The main points for me is never trust anyone else with birth control (I'm on the pill is no better that I promise to pull out IMO). And that pregnancy is not the worst case scenario of unsafe sex, by a longshot. Once they are armed with knowledge, I will send them off to a convent/monestary until they are 25.

CaliopeSpidrman · July 2009

My parents didn't really have the sex talk with me that I recall (it's possible I have repressed that remembory), but I had gotten sex ed in school since I was in 3rd grade. I didn't know the mechanics of how it all worked exactly, but I had the general idea and knew how babies were made. Looking back, I don't think I would have benefited from the sex talk with my parents. I was well informed and still made the stupid decision to have sex as young as I did. How I approach talking about it with my kid will be based entirely on how my kid is. I do plan to cover the same stuff as Groomz (use a foffing condom, b/c is your responsibility, pregnancy is the least of your worries). If it's a girl, I also plan to enlighten her about the things they don't teach you in sex ed -- like if you let a boy cum inside of you without a condom, it's going to leak back out. I want my daughter to be one less idiot on the nest asking that question.

pdxmouse · July 2009

Oh, I agree it should be ongoing. It's just weird to think about sitting on the couch one afternoon and turning and saying, "You know, I don't think we've discussed HIV, the Pill and herpes enough. Let's talk." They just aren't things that come up in everyday conversation. Maybe we need to watch TV other than the Food channel together. Our reproduction talk happened because she asked me out of the blue one day what sex was. It turned out that she'd read one of those handicap "attendant of the opposite sex" signs at a public restroom, but by the time I figured that out my reaction had made her curious and I was on the hook. Given my family history and a nagging suspicion I thought best to include "and sometimes it's not just male and females, there's other kinds of relationships too" so Bug already knows about gay penguins.

kaybeeknits · July 2009

My parents' (read: mom's) approach was very similar to what groomz described. I plan on doing the same thing. My mom also had signed some paperwork with our family doctor that allowed my sister and I to get bc w/out having to have her there before we were 18, and let us know.

mashedpotato · July 2009

In the beginning I found some conversations were easier in the car, he was trapped and there was little to no eye contact.

jbloom · July 2009

If I were to have kids, I would prefer to bring up the subject before they hit puberty and decide everything I say is annoying and stupid. My mom gave me a pamphlet, which was stupid because by that point I already knew the mechanics of it and had been menstruating for over two years (not to mention I had been sexually aware from a very young age -- thanks TV and movies and books, haha). I was annoyed by that, big time. Then later we had a conversation about as she was driving me to school, then she gave me a heart necklace and wanted it to be a promise necklace that I would come to her first before deciding to lose my V-card. I guess so she could supply me with birth control? I never intended to do so. I mean, this is the woman who was afraid to let me use tampons or take me to the gyno for yeast infections because it made her feel awky.Also I agree with Groomz that is not a one-time conversation. I would like to add that it was not really beneficial to me when my parents tried to scare me away from sex with negative comments about the terrible intentions of boys/men. I think it's important to talk to your children as if they are intelligent beings who can understand logic and reason rather than trying to scare them.

Meegs10.13.06 · July 2009

I don't remember ever having "the talk" with my parents, but we were always a very open family and I knew I could ask them any questions I had. Plus, from an early age if something would come up that my mom could turn into a teaching moment, in a "here's how that works" kind of way, she would. That, plus sex-ed, always made me feel like I was very informed. I'm not sure how Trav's parents handled things... but seeing as 2 of their 3 boys ended up getting girls pregnant, I'm thinking I might find out as an example of how NOT to do it.

salimoo · July 2009

I had no sex talk with my mom. She pretends we did, though. I remember being at summer camp, going over details with the camp nurse, and the nurse asking if we had had "The Talk" (I think it was more the menstruation talk, though) and I said no, because she hadn't talked about any of that, and she kicked me under the table and said we had.Then she sulked for 2 weeks when she found out I'd gotten my period and didn't tell her.

jens_a_ten · July 2009

I'm with Groomz in that I think it's an ongoing conversation.My parents never talked to us about any of that. I didn't tell her when I started menstruating, didn't talk about any boys I had a crush on. I'm pretty sure she was aware that I waited until I was married, but it never discussed or acknowledged. We got some basic sex ed in school starting around grade 6, and obviously you learn from kids around you talking, tv, etc. I want to be able to have a really open dialogue with my kid, frank and straightforward, discussing all of the options, all of the possible consequences, etc. Talking in the car is seriously great. I've had many conversations with my dad in the car (not about sex, but other things) that would have been so much more awkward just sitting on the couch across from each other.

.MrsBailey. · July 2009

I had sex education at school is 3 different grades. My mom asked me if I had any questions and I didn't. Never had much talk about it after that. But my mom had instilled the fear in me after my older sister went through high school. I never did anything bad in my teen years. In college was a different story but I always had protected sex.

dothenoodle · July 2009

When I was in high school, I asked my mom if I could go on the pill. She told me "If he loves you, he will wait." I knew right then if I told her I had already had sex, I would never see my boyfriend again, so I just agreed with her and dropped it. And this came after my older sister had gotten pregnant in high school and had a shot gun wedding! I know my best friend and her DH started the "serious" sex talks with their son when he started getting serious with his first GF in high school. They really hit home the "always use a condom, even if she is on the pill" side of it. Now with their daughter who is a freshman, I know my friend is having the BC conversations, along with the "don't let your heart/vag rule your head" talks. But I am guessing the best preventive thing they did was have noisy sex not realizing their daughter could hear them. She was completely disgusted. Hahaha.

FallinAgain · July 2009

My mom never talked to me about sex. I got that through sex ed. She talked a lot about future plans, college, career, travel, etc. I think that might be as important, if not more, than mechanics of sex.

Giggity19 · July 2009

My mom never talked to me about sex. I got that through sex ed. She talked a lot about future plans, college, career, travel, etc. I think that might be as important, if not more, than mechanics of sex.Late on this, I definitely agree with this Fallin. My parents never had a sex talk with me (my older brother by 7 years did), but it was more a trust issue by then. They knew that I was smart enough to figure it out on my own. And I did. I didn't have sex until I was in college, and then only with H and safe sex with a couple of randoms. But they knew me. Sometimes you can't tell with a kid. That's why the talk is so important. I did some qualitative interviews for my master's thesis on sex ed communication. You wouldn't believe the broad and diverse conversations that occur.

Irishgrl417 · July 2009

Looks like I missed a lot of interesting discussions yesterday. My mom never gave me the talk. I kinda hid the early warning signs when I first started spotting and had no friggin clue what the hell was going on when I got my first real period. I remember my mom going out the next day for the whole day and hearing my dad on the phone with her talking asking how I was and him telling her I went outside like I had the plague or something. My mom's idea of the sex talk was "the only safe sex is NO SEX" at first even after she discovered I wasn't a virgin and claimed she was more upset that I lied when first confronted which made her go snooping for my journal. But the day I moved into the dorms she sat on my bed and said "the only safe sex is..." to which I replied "no sex." She followed up with "but if you're going to do it, use a condom." Hopefully, I'll take a more realistic approach and it will be an ongoing discussion.

_Fenton · July 2009

I plan to be perfectly blunt about whatever they ask me about. I think trying to keep it from them makes it seem like this cool mysterious forbidden secret, which intensifies interest. I think if most moms talked straight with their daughters and explained "virgin boys are not going to make you come anyway, I will buy you a vibrator whenever you want one." I will probably also ask them frequently what they will do if they get pregnant, and make them think deeply about the fallout.

Giggity19 · July 2009

I think if most moms talked straight with their daughters and explained "virgin boys are not going to make you come anyway, I will buy you a vibrator whenever you want one."I think this is my new favorite Fenton quote. I'm writing it down in my "don't turn into a Nest mom" journal.

_Fenton · July 2009

Except that its allfuckedup and not even a full sentence. ::slaps self::

Giggity19 · July 2009

Don't worry, I'll make the corrections so that your legacy isn't tainted.

samfish2bcrab · July 2009

There will be a lot of talk about this in my house, mechanics, feelings, future plans, all of it. My mom didn't say anything except "I don't think you need those" when she found my pills at 16.

s/o teen pregnancy- talking about it

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