Wedding Etiquette Forum

Am I being too sensitive about this (long)?

Back in December, a friend of mine got engaged, and asked me to be her MOH, although she didn't have any idea of when the wedding would be. I agreed, and asked a few questions about what she wanted for a bachelorette party (ie. relaxing spa day or crazy bar crawl). During January, she uses me as a sounding board, and frequently tells me that my boyfriend (and now FI) is still working out some "doubts" and that once he stops having such doubts, he'll propose. I repeatedly remind her that she is not my FI's confidante, and ask her to stop saying that he doubts me in any way. When FI proposes and I say yes, he admits to waiting a month to give her her time in the spotlight. When I tell her that FI and I are engaged, she replies that since I'll be planning my own wedding, I'd have too much to do to be her MOH, and she'll ask someone else. While I'm slightly upset, I also understand that planning a wedding is a lot of work. She later tells me that her FI called me and my FI "copycats" for getting engaged. She decides she wants to schedule her wedding for my birthday. I remind her that that date is my birthday, and as I'm a multiple, have had to share that day with three other people. I ask her to, if possible look at the weekends before and after that day. She later tells me that her church had the entire month open, so she got the day she wanted (my birthday). She also tells me that I'm going to be doing her makeup. 3 months later, I get an e-mail from a friend of hers, asking about the bachelorette party. Apparently my friend decided that since I'm her sorority sister, I'm still responsible for the bachelorette party. I mention it to her, and find out that I'm still expected to throw her party, since I "already started planning it" (I spent 2 minutes asking her what she'd prefer, and can pass that along to someone else). Today, I log onto Facebook and see that she's started a "send us your addresses" group, so that she can send her STDs and invites. My ex (he FI's frat brother) is in that group. Now, I know that it is possible to have a good relationship with one's ex, but I do not have that with this one (it was a toxic relationship and I never want to see him again) and she knows it. She's already said that anyone who gets upset about their ex being there can "get over it for 7 hours" (referring to someone else). Am I overly sensitive to want to step down as a bridesmaid and not attend the wedding?

Re: Am I being too sensitive about this (long)?

  • this friend sounds lame for a variety of reasons.you are not required to throw her b-party, particularly if she's kicked you out of the wedding. however, she does have the right to plan her wedding for your birthday if she chooses, adn she can also invite whoever she chooses, regardless of whether you like someone or not.   
  • Well if you step down as bridesmaid and not attend the wedding, you may end the friendship all together.  Are you okay with that?FWIW, her behavior sounds pretty crappy and not like a good friend at all.
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  • If you don't want to be her friend anymore then I say go for it. She seems to be a bit catty and self absorbed. As far as the ex and birthday thing...you really don't have a place to say anything. It's her wedding....she can invite whoever she wants (I agree w/her on this point) and while it would have been nice to have it on another day, she can pick whatever day she wants.
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  • BTW...her FI sounds like a real gem too! lol
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  • I wouldn't plan the party or do her make up if you don't want to, but the date and the ex are non-issues. She's being bratty about a lot of things. I'd seriously think about dropping out all together if you don't feel comfortable with her. If you and FI are copycats for getting engaged, then everyone in the world is a copycat of someone! Your birthday comes every year. She can choose whatever date she wants as this once-in-a-lifetime event. If she chose the same wedding date as you, I'd have issue, but your birthday is really not that big of a deal after the age of 16 or so. She's right about guests having to "get over it for 7 hours". The last thing she should worry about is people getting along at her wedding. Suck it up and let it go. Ignore the ex for those few hours.
  • She sounds like a selfish bridezilla and a pretty nasty friendzilla, too.  Are you prepared for the relationship to be totally over if you do this?
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  • It sounds like your friend is being a brat. If she wanted you to be her MOH it would not matter if you were engaged, got engaged, whatever. And how does getting proposed to "copy" her. Is she the only one in the world who has ever and will ever be engaged? AS for picking your birthday for her date, while it is her wedding and she can pick the day, that date is important to you as well and you don't want to be dealing with what seems like a bridzilla on your birthday. I think it is time for you and this friend to go your seperate ways.
  • Why are you friends with this person. She sounds horrible. Stop letting her walk all over you. Yes she is allowed to have her wedding on whatever day she wants and she is allowed to invited whoever she wants, but she isn't allowed to treat you like a piece of shitt in the process.
  • Based on what you posted, this friend of yours suck. Drop her like a hot potato. You don't need anyone like that in your life. DITTO
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  • She decides she wants to schedule her wedding for my birthday. I remind her that that date is my birthday,Um, so?
  • You need to kick this chick to the curb with a quickness.
  • I'm honestly okay about the having it on my birthday. I have more of an issue with the ex coming because she knows about his seriously lame behavior while we were going out, and after we'd broken up. I'd be more okay if she'd have told me that she was planning on inviting him and talking it out with me rather than facebook telling me. I'm okay with the friendship ending, although we have a mutual friend that I love and wouldn't want to put in an awkward situation of being friends with both of us, but frankly, it's getting to the point where I'm wondering what she's going to say/expect me to do next (there are a number of things that she's said/done that I haven't added for the sake of keeping the already-long post as short as possible). If I do end up stepping down, how should I break it to the bride to be?
  • I think you kind-of are, but I can see why.  The demotion and the b-party thing sucks.  Although as a BM I would have planned or at least been part of the planning away. The ex being invited and her picking the date is just adding fuel to the fire. The fact is you can not tell her who to invite or when to have the wedding, so you need to just let those two topics go.If you want to ruin the friendship then step down and not attend. 






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Your friend and her FI sound pretty immature.  If that were me, I would definately do her make up and make her look like Coco the Clown... but that's just me!Re: the Bach party, I would just let her know that it's the job of the MOH to plan it if they so desire, and like she said before, you are too busy planning your own wedding to plan this also.Re: The ex- you are going to have to put up with this one i'm afraid and be the bigger person, you can't expect people to fall out with friends over failed relationships, even if your ex treated you badly.  She is right on this one, you'll have to get over it for 7 hours.
  • You're both being a little bratty in my opinion.  It's none of your business what day she plans her wedding, no matter what.  I'd tell you to kiss off if you tried to tell me what day the wedding could be.That being said, either she's just gone nuts since she got engaged (it's been seen often) or she's always been like this.  You have to remember which is the real her.  If it's the latter, well, you shouldn't be friends with her anyway.
  • I wouldn't tell her it's the job of the MOH to throw the b-party, because that's not true.  Anyone can plan the party.  If you plan to step down, just tell her that you feel your relationship has changed and therefore, you'd like to step down as BM and attend as a guest.  As for your mutual friend, you and this friend will just become acquaintences.  See each other when you're together with your mutual friend, but not on your own.  Nothing wrong with that.
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  • Ditto Amoro.  Are these her true colors or has she gone BSC as a bride?
  • Wow copycats???? How old are these people?? Break it to the bride on facebook. On her wall.
  • Honestly, the girl and I were sorority sisters, and she was my big sis. In college, we were cool, but since we graduated, and she's persisted in living like she's still in college, I feel like she is someone I'd want to distance myself from, but I have no idea how to tell her that I think our friendship has run its course. I thought that if I stopped going online so much (which also happened naturally as I got busier) would clue her in (she lives several thousand miles away, and we never call each other, so we only talk online), but it hasn't.
  • Wow. I think the use of the phrase "copy cats" by anyone over the age of 11 is reason enough to consider stepping down. Maybe I am in the minority on this, but I think inviting your ex was catty unless they were really good friends. It also depends on the specifics of your relationship. The birthday thing also seems intentionally catty. It sounds to me like she is being competitive, even if you're not. Some girls thrive on that. I wouldn't feel bad stepping down. "I know you want your wedding to be perfect. Like you said, I am busy planning my own so I really can't contribute like you want me to."
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  • I think you both sound like high-maintenance friends to be honest...her for expecting you to do makeup and plan a bachelorette party; and you for b*tching about the wedding being on your b-day and your ex being on the guest list. You both need to get over yourselves.
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  • I think you just answered your own question(s). Bow out and don't attend.
  • Then just backout and do not look back.btw - I agree it sucks about the ex.  But if her FI is still friends with him, it should not be too much of a suprise he was invited.  It's her FI's wedding also, so he gets to invite who he wants.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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