Re: 2012 not off to a great start

melbelle24 · January 2012

Dude, look. We don't care if you have a PPD, just realize that's what you're doing. Having a vow renewal (because that's what it is whether you like it or not, you already had your WEDDING the day you married your H) will not make you any more or less married. It'll just give you the chance to be the center of attention and have everyone ooh and aah over how pretty you are in your big white dress as a "bride". Hence the term "pretty princess day". If that makes you feel more like a real married woman, by all means go for it. Just don't expect support from the regs on this board. And for the love of God, would people please stop using the excuse "but I know tons of girls that have done it this way"???

CAB1217 · January 2012

It's gonna be AWESOME when you go and explain on another board why your ticker says that!

Sammy0709 · January 2012

Head-desk...

ggirl2001 · January 2012

Everytime I see one of these posts, I just assume that the bride has always gotten her own way in life and that when she doesn't she throws a fit or tries to work the system.

Irishcurls · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_re-2012-not-off-great-start?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:25088458-98e5-4a7e-940f-c392971d037fPost:f32cf805-e1f9-4d9d-a467-502211e8f7f9">Re: 2012 not off to a great start</a>:
[QUOTE]It's gonna be AWESOME when you go and explain on another board why your ticker says that!
Posted by CAB1217[/QUOTE]
HA! Didnt even think of that!

hansonam446 · January 2012

I don't mean to come off as bitchy but understandly I was getting frustrated and I can be sarcastic too. If people want to call me spoiled and think I need a "Pretty Pretty Princess Day" I think I can snark back. Yes, I do want a ceremony since I have a big family and in order to have both sides there we would have to save money since he's from SC and I'm from Ohio. I'll call it a renewal of vows then, if that would appease the crowd but I guess I just didn't expect such a gigantic backlash. I have just as much right to wear a gown, to have bridesmaids, and have some cake as the next girl. Maybe it isn't traditional but this is 2012 after all and things don't have to go by the book anymore. My mom is helping but we are paying for most things on our own. We're definitely on a budget, our guest list isn't outrageous, but I enjoy planning and thinking of creative solutions. With how the military is, especially the army, time off is unpredictable at best so we didn't have to delay in planning our future and to help us prepare for when he gets out we got married. Now should my family miss out on this occassion because we're located so far away?

We can agree to disagree with no hard feelings. I'm not going to hate anyone over a discussion board but, seriously, ladies we don't have to name call and ridicule others because we don't agree. You do things your way and I'll do them mine and in the end if we're all happy then that's great!

hansonam446 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_re-2012-not-off-great-start?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:25088458-98e5-4a7e-940f-c392971d037fPost:12dff4c8-c24c-40ea-8e8f-37a4aaf324ff">Re: 2012 not off to a great start</a>:
[QUOTE]Everytime I see one of these posts, I just assume that the bride has always gotten her own way in life and that when she doesn't she throws a fit or tries to work the system.
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Then you assumed wrong. But I suppose this is the internet and you can't really know a person by some posts on a discussion board. I don't have to defend myself to you but I can say that I work for my money as does he. We know the value of a dollar.</div>

ggirl2001 · January 2012

Nobody has a "right" to what you described. It's a privilege. Plenty of people get married without it because they don't have the money to throw a party. It's called prioritizing. What's more important, being married or having the party? Apparently in your case, you "need" to have both. Gag me with a spoon.

BinxRose · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_re-2012-not-off-great-start?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:25088458-98e5-4a7e-940f-c392971d037fPost:a55be250-f973-4301-8737-4090c93990e4">Re: 2012 not off to a great start</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't mean to come off as bitchy but understandly I was getting frustrated and I can be sarcastic too. If people want to call me spoiled and think I need a "Pretty Pretty Princess Day" I think I can snark back. Yes, I do want a ceremony since I have a big family and in order to have both sides there <strong>we would have to save money since he's from SC and I'm from Ohio</strong>. I'll call it a renewal of vows then, if that would appease the crowd but I guess I just didn't expect such a gigantic backlash. I have just as much right to wear a gown, to have bridesmaids, and have some cake as the next girl. <strong>Maybe it isn't traditional but this is 2012 after all and things don't have to go by the book anymore</strong>. My mom is helping but we are paying for most things on our own. We're definitely on a budget, our guest list isn't outrageous, but I enjoy planning and thinking of creative solutions. <strong>With how the military is, especially the army, time off is unpredictable at best so we didn't have to delay in planning our future and to help us prepare for when he gets out we got married</strong>. Now should my family miss out on this occassion because we're located so far away? We can agree to disagree with no hard feelings. I'm not going to hate anyone over a discussion board but, seriously, ladies we don't have to name call and ridicule others because we don't agree. You do things your way and I'll do them mine and in the end if we're all happy then that's great!
Posted by hansonam446[/QUOTE]

1) I'm planning my wedding from over a 1,000 miles away. So have most women here. You're not some rare case.

2) Being in a modern time does not equal throwing all etiquette out the window.

3) Umm..we're all either military or a military SO. We know this. And it's not "especially Army," it's any branch. We knew things could change at any moment (and they did) but we are still planning our wedding, without getting married first and then having a VR. Again, you are not some rare case.

Sammy0709 · January 2012

You didn't have get married in order to plan you future now. DH and I were planning our future long before we got married. Just so you're aware, I had a JOP followed by a VR. I had a dress, we had attendants, we had cake. The huge difference is that if someone had called it a pretty princess day I wouldn't have gotten butt-hurt. Who cares? You say you can call it what you please so we can refer to it as we like as well. An additional suggestion that I suggest because we did it. We requested for our guests not to bring gifts. Some people did anyway but, if you're already married it's kind of inappropriate. Some people brought money and were told ahead of time it would be donated to charity. ETA: Especially Army is a load of crap. Any branch has the situation where things change at a moment's notice. DH is Navy and he got a 3 week notice on one of his deployments. Then, after his mom had flown out and I had a plane ticket home he got notice it was cancelled 3 days before he left. There is no "one branch is harder to deal with than the others"

hansonam446 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_re-2012-not-off-great-start?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:25088458-98e5-4a7e-940f-c392971d037fPost:04ff4005-ab31-457b-92f3-318ee9e9ab18">Re: 2012 not off to a great start</a>:
[QUOTE]Nobody has a "right" to what you described. It's a privilege. Plenty of people get married without it because they don't have the money to throw a party. It's called prioritizing. What's more important, being married or having the party? Apparently in your case, you "need" to have both. Gag me with a spoon.
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I don't NEED it but it would be nice to have. My first marriage was terrible and short lived. This is forever so I want to celebrate it with my nearest and dearest and does he. He's even helping me plan. For the last time it's NOT JUST ABOUT THE CEREMONY. I really don't know how many times I have to repeat myself here. I'm a on a budget but if we can get out of debt and save more money for a down payment on a house as well as plan a ceremony why not do it? For heaven's sake, I'm not telling you how to live your life so don't critisize mine. I'm also acting like an adult and trying to discuss this as so but apparently some people can't do that. And obviously being married is more important because I did it without a second thought. Reguardless if we never have a ceremony or a vow renewal or an abomination of a wedding (as so many seem to think it is) I will be with him and build my life with him and love him just as much.</div>

calindi · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_re-2012-not-off-great-start?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:25088458-98e5-4a7e-940f-c392971d037fPost:a55be250-f973-4301-8737-4090c93990e4">Re: 2012 not off to a great start</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't mean to come off as bitchy but understandly I was getting frustrated and I can be sarcastic too. If people want to call me spoiled and think I need a "Pretty Pretty Princess Day" I think I can snark back. <strong>Yes, I do want a ceremony since I have a big family and in order to have both sides there we would have to save money since he's from SC and I'm from Ohio</strong>. I'll call it a renewal of vows then, if that would appease the crowd but I guess I just didn't expect such a gigantic backlash.<strong> I have just as much right to wear a gown, to have bridesmaids, and have some cake as the next girl</strong>. Maybe it isn't traditional but this is 2012 after all and things don't have to go by the book anymore. My mom is helping but we are paying for most things on our own. We're definitely on a budget, our guest list isn't outrageous, but I enjoy planning and thinking of creative solutions. <strong>With how the military is, especially the army, time off is unpredictable at best so we didn't have to delay in planning our future and to help us prepare for when he gets out we got married. Now should my family miss out on this occassion because we're located so far away? </strong>We can agree to disagree with no hard feelings. I'm not going to hate anyone over a discussion board but, seriously, ladies we don't have to name call and ridicule others because we don't agree. You do things your way and I'll do them mine and in the end if we're all happy then that's great!
Posted by hansonam446[/QUOTE]

1) It's great you wanted a ceremony with all your family & friends to see you guys get married. It's a shame they missed seeing you get married because you rushed, but I'm sure they'd love to celebrate with you after. Seeing you pretend to get married again might be weird, though.

2) No one has a "right" to these things. If you wanted them for your wedding, you certainly could have had them. You chose to go to a JOP to get married. The military certainly didn't make you do it, and even with a complicated schedule, it is totally possible to plan a wedding you want the first time around with whatever budget you have.

3) Your family already missed your wedding. It isn't us meanies punishing them - it was a choice you made to get married by a JOP without having family & friends around. Again, you are WELCOME to have a party later, but wouldn't it make more sense to just have a party, not a big production that mimicks an actual wedding? It just seems like you're saying, "Oh, we got married so we didn't have to delay in planning our future, but now we want our big celebration to pretend we're getting married again so I can be the center of attention in a white dress and make all my friends wear bridesmaids dresses and plan me showers and a bachelorette and give me presents!"

hansonam446 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_re-2012-not-off-great-start?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:25088458-98e5-4a7e-940f-c392971d037fPost:daeb96cb-2516-4b57-bade-d0051f956a36">Re: 2012 not off to a great start</a>:
[QUOTE]You didn't have get married in order to plan you future now. DH and I were planning our future long before we got married. Just so you're aware, I had a JOP followed by a VR. I had a dress, we had attendants, we had cake. The huge difference is that if someone had called it a <strong>pretty princess day I wouldn't have gotten butt-hurt. Who cares?</strong> You say you can call it what you please so we can refer to it as we like as well. An additional suggestion that I suggest because we did it. We requested for our guests not to bring gifts. Some people did anyway but, if you're already married it's kind of inappropriate. Some people brought money and were told ahead of time it would be donated to charity.
Posted by Sammy0709[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Because it's demeaning something that means a lot to both of us. Just because we went about it a different way apparenlty I'm spoiled now. </div>

calindi · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_re-2012-not-off-great-start?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:25088458-98e5-4a7e-940f-c392971d037fPost:a93bd265-5662-4ab7-946e-b4797e115fe6">Re: 2012 not off to a great start</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 2012 not off to a great start : I don't NEED it but it would be nice to have. My first marriage was terrible and short lived. This is forever so I want to celebrate it with my nearest and dearest and does he. He's even helping me plan. For the last time it's NOT JUST ABOUT THE CEREMONY. I really don't know how many times I have to repeat myself here.<strong> I'm a on a budget but if we can get out of debt and save more money for a down payment on a house as well as plan a ceremony why not do it?</strong> For heaven's sake, I'm not telling you how to live your life so don't critisize mine. I'm also acting like an adult and trying to discuss this as so but apparently some people can't do that. And obviously being married is more important because I did it without a second thought. Reguardless if we never have a ceremony or a vow renewal or an abomination of a wedding (as so many seem to think it is) I will be with him and build my life with him and love him just as much.
Posted by hansonam446[/QUOTE]

Because the government money for spouses is supposed to be used to support spouses, not to be spent in a twisted backwards way for a big fake wedding later.

And if you're in debt and need to put a downpayment on a house, not to mention legal advice, you have better things to be spending your money on than a party.

hansonam446 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_re-2012-not-off-great-start?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:25088458-98e5-4a7e-940f-c392971d037fPost:c0266ecc-9a9d-491c-8088-835721755913">Re: 2012 not off to a great start</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 2012 not off to a great start : 1) I'm planning my wedding from over a 1,000 miles away. So have most women here. You're not some rare case. 2) Being in a modern time does not equal throwing all etiquette out the window. 3) Umm..we're all either military or a military SO. We know this. And it's not "especially Army," it's any branch. We knew things could change at any moment (and they did) but we are still planning our wedding, without getting married first and then having a VR. Again, you are not some rare case.
Posted by BinxRose[/QUOTE]

<div>1) I never said I was a rare case. I just stated my reasoning.</div><div>2) How am I throwing etiquette out the window? PEOPLE KNOW and still want to come. They're just as excited as we are.</div><div>3) Well I know, in particular, how the army is with changing plans at the last minute. That's all I was saying here. I was expecting some comraderie amongst other military brides but I guess I don't fit into your guys' little mold of perfection so that's not happening. I'm trying to be neutral and peaceful but you all are acting superior and catty. I apologize for not consulting the marriage gods before planning.</div>

ggirl2001 · January 2012

Take tips from Sammy. We obviously don't care if you have any party, but stop acting like that without this party your marriage is invalid. I don't care how big it is and what you do, but you don't have a "right" to have it and it's not a "need". It is a ppd, plain and simple. You want it. There is a difference. You are not a special snowflake and the only person who has been in this situation before.. We have all been in a place like yours. You made a choice and there is a consequence to the choice. You are not getting married again because you are married. You are having a party to celebrate said marriage.

LetsHikeToday · January 2012

Here's what I think...

You can do whatever you want with your money. You can plan a huge party with your extra BAH if you want. BUT I don't think extra BAH is going to get your out of debt, pay for a reception, and put a down payment on a house.

I'm so confused!

OP- I'm trying to understand, really I am but didn't you already say vows at the courthouse?

ggirl2001 · January 2012

FFS just own the fact of what you are doing and stop making justifications. You want the effing party. Excuses of military, family missing it etc is bs. You could just as easily celebrate with a dinner with family if you want to. You WANT the big party, so own that.

hansonam446 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_re-2012-not-off-great-start?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:25088458-98e5-4a7e-940f-c392971d037fPost:47a9d99b-6e20-40f1-9a4c-f3d0fac69a06">Re: 2012 not off to a great start</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 2012 not off to a great start : 1) It's great you wanted a ceremony with all your family & friends to see you guys get married. It's a shame they missed seeing you get married because you rushed, but I'm sure they'd love to celebrate with you after. Seeing you pretend to get married again might be weird, though. 2) No one has a "right" to these things. If you wanted them for your wedding, you certainly could have had them. You chose to go to a JOP to get married. The military certainly didn't make you do it, and even with a complicated schedule, it is totally possible to plan a wedding you want the first time around with whatever budget you have. 3) Your family already missed your wedding. It isn't us meanies punishing them - it was a choice you made to get married by a JOP without having family & friends around. Again, you are WELCOME to have a party later, but wouldn't it make more sense to just have a party, not a big production that mimicks an actual wedding? It just seems like you're saying, "Oh, we got married so we didn't have to delay in planning our future, but now we want our big celebration to pretend we're getting married again so I can be the center of attention in a white dress and make all my friends wear bridesmaids dresses and plan me showers and a bachelorette and give me presents!"
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

<div>I can go on about this all day but what does it matter to you? Honestly. If no one wanted to feel special, already married or not, they wouldn't have a ceremony at all. They'd all do JOP and be done with it. You want to feel special because it's a special occassion. I'm forgoing most of the tradition things (shower, bachelorette party, etc) so no, it isn't all about that. And yes, the military gives money to married couples to use to their benefit. You think they care if you plan a "vow renewal" with it or not? No, they really could care less. And like I said, we're using it to give ourselves a better life as a married couple. I don't understand all the bitterness over my decision. I'm in no way cheapening your marriage or mine so just take a deep breath.</div>

Sammy0709 · January 2012

I went about it differently too. I think what people really have reservations with is your reasoning for having a VR. If you wanted a big wedding day with your family then you should have found a way to do that in the first place. Afterall you do say you like being creative and finding solutions. No snakiness intended.

calindi · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_re-2012-not-off-great-start?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:25088458-98e5-4a7e-940f-c392971d037fPost:caa58851-83ad-454d-8dd9-72b3dd87b0c1">Re: 2012 not off to a great start</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 2012 not off to a great start : I can go on about this all day but what does it matter to you? Honestly. If no one wanted to feel special, already married or not, they wouldn't have a ceremony at all. They'd all do JOP and be done with it. You want to feel special because it's a special occassion. I'm forgoing most of the tradition things (shower, bachelorette party, etc) so no, it isn't all about that. And yes, the military gives money to married couples to use to their benefit. You think they care if you plan a "vow renewal" with it or not? No, they really could care less. And like I said, we're using it to give ourselves a better life as a married couple. I don't understand all the bitterness over my decision. I'm in no way cheapening your marriage or mine so just take a deep breath.
Posted by hansonam446[/QUOTE]

It's called "BAH" for Basic Allowance for Housing. As in it's meant to be spent on keeping a roof over the heads of dependents of people in the military. It's given to them so that they don't have to worry about their families while they're away doing their job. It's for the purpose of having more efficient troops who aren't preoccupied with their family making the rent check.

So as a taxpayer, I'm annoyed when someone wants to wait and throw a huge PPD because they're going to use the BAH.

I'm glad you told your family & friends you're already married - that's definitely a first, because we have a lot of girls come on and say they're keeping it a secret until their 'real wedding', which honestly makes me want to hit someone.

hansonam446 · January 2012

Yes, I would like to have a celebration. I'm not claiming to get married again. I own this. Holy cow. I'm not sure how many times I should repeat myself. The extra BAH helps us accomplish those goals. We both made decent money before but the little extra helps us get ahead and, as I already said, save for our move when he gets out later this year. The only reason I keep going is because I don't understand why everyone is so up in arms about this or so critical and catty toward me.

AmandaSC1988 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_re-2012-not-off-great-start?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:25088458-98e5-4a7e-940f-c392971d037fPost:be1a75e9-820f-44d5-9fa7-7db33b3691c1">Re: 2012 not off to a great start</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, maybe I'm doing it wrong but when we got married, H's BAH only went up like $300. That isn't enough for a party... or to pay off debt.
Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

See...you did it wrong. =P You have to find an E-1 to E-3 where they are required to live in base housing. At that point you secretly get married...THEN you get the BAH for being married AND they are allowed to live off base. Tada! Double your pay over night!

ETA - Posted before reading...I feel we are just beating the dead horse.

Sammy0709 · January 2012

You're really missing the point. No one cares what you do. You can repeat yourself all you want about your reasoning or how you know you're married, etc. No one is going to agree that you are justified. You say you're being adult about this but an adult would agree to disagree and move on.

LetsHikeToday · January 2012

OP- I'm not trying to be catty right now at all.

I know I started replying to you because I didn't agree with your definition of a wedding. It seemed to me that you kept saying that a wedding involved a party. Yes a wedding can involve a party but the actual wedding itself is when you and your husband said your vows. You did say vows, right?

I also think saying you're a year and however many months away from tying the knot rubbed people the wrong way. You already tied the knot.

I don't care if you have a reception in a year, a month, tomorrow, or never. It doesn't matter. I just think people, including myself, were taken aback at how you were referring to it.

LetsHikeToday · January 2012

and OP- For what it's worth, I hope everything does work out with your husband and the legal stuff going on right now. I'm sure it is scary and I can't imagine having to deal with that.

hansonam446 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_re-2012-not-off-great-start?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:25088458-98e5-4a7e-940f-c392971d037fPost:0a3a32f3-ada9-4826-b91c-17b1576b3796">Re: 2012 not off to a great start</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 2012 not off to a great start : <strong>It's called "BAH" for Basic Allowance for Housing. As in it's meant to be spent on keeping a roof over the heads of dependents of people in the military. It's given to them so that they don't have to worry about their families while they're away doing their job. It's for the purpose of having more efficient troops who aren't preoccupied with their family making the rent check. So as a taxpayer, I'm annoyed when someone wants to wait and throw a huge PPD because they're going to use the BAH.</strong> I'm glad you told your family & friends you're already married - that's definitely a first, because we have a lot of girls come on and say they're keeping it a secret until their 'real wedding', which honestly makes me want to hit someone.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Thank you for defining it for me. I would've been completely lost had you not done that. since I haven't been around the military for the last 4 years. Guess what? I pay taxes too! Look, I get why people get upset because I've seen plenty of cases of girls marrying army guys for money. I know, I understand. It's deplorable. But we are genuinely in love and sharing a life together so if we can save and budget our money what does it matter? Yes, we use the money we make to buy groceries, to maintain our cars, to live in general but if we can put some extra away and not live about our means I don't think what I'm doing is wrong. It's not a contract marriage in any way.</div>

ggirl2001 · January 2012

You repeated yourself with excuses of why it had to be this way and that you had a right to your ppd. That is pretty much all wrong. You proceeded to argue about how it's a right and you deserve it. That is also wrong. You then also argued that you wanted your family there. Well thats the consequence of your choice. Deal with it. I don't like excuses, and I certainly don't like bs excuses.

ggirl2001 · January 2012

All I wanted was for you to own it and not use excuses. You chose this way, nobody forced you, KWIM? So with that, I'm sure your party will be gorgeous. I hope you get to have it sooner than later and that things with H work out.

hansonam446 · January 2012

Calindi - If you saw the bitchy response I posted before I deleted it, I apologize. I didn't read your following post. But thank you. Again, I wasn't trying to piss anyone off I just am not one to back down when it comes to a debate or discussion.

Hike- Thank you. I mean it sincerely.

ggirl- You don't even know me so go take your judgements somewhere else.

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